Minguante
by JAE NI
Summary: There's a distance between them, and it's hard to cross it. There's a void inside of her, and it eats her as it grows slowly. There's a space beside him in bed getting colder by the day, and he doesn't think he could ever let go.
1. never wanted you to lose your heart

**A\N: First, I don't know why I'm posting this.** **Second, I don't believe I'm posting this.** **Third, I'll probably regret posting this.**

 **This scenario has been dancing back and forth on my mind, and has made company to me through many sleepless nights ever since the conclusion of the drama (because Moon Lovers will never let me go...). I wasn't going to write it, but I started to rewatch it with a friend, so I'm having a lot of SoSoo feels that claimed to be written down and seen by the world. Let's just hope it's not that bad...**

 **Oh yeah, English is not my first language, so mistakes are expected. Do let me know them and I'll correct as soon as possible! I did run a grammar check, but my insecurity always speaks louder. And also, I haven't been writing recently, so I'm still a little rusty (bear with me!).**

 **And before you begin, please NOTE: Hae Soo is not pregnant on this fic! Sorry, it's kind of a rewrite, even though I like the ending of the drama... And the other change is that Soo didn't ask for Baek Ah to deliver her hairpin to Jung.**

 **Now we begin from the moment Baek Ah left So. Which means that there are no dubious implied scenes of So and Yeon Hwa's consummation, and Wook is still pretty much dark!Wook. Jung is wherever he is... (This should mean he's at Chungju, but since he walks everywhere in the drama, I might summon him to unpredictable places just for the sake of the plot).**

 **Enjoy your reading! :)**

* * *

When Hae Soo wakes up, her eyes are puffy and her head hurts. She feels disoriented for a while, but after a few seconds staring at the ceiling of her bedroom all the recent memories comes back.

She sits up abruptly, eyeing the chamber that now makes her remember of Chae Rung more than anything. She remembers going out that night, preferring the air of the Damiwon - the place where the king was poisoned - rather than the comfort of her bed, and Baek Ah coming to talk to her. After that it was all blank.

She must have passed out from the exhaustion, she guessed. But the brief nap did nothing to ease the hammering on her head or the pain in her heart. Nothing had changed. Chae Rung had betrayed her, and the King had her executed. (Brutally executed, she remembers, even though she tries not to. The vision of her small body beaten brutally engraved on her eyelids.)

She closes her eyes, stopping the tears from coming down. She always knew that life in Goryeo wasn't easy, but had never seen the cruelty in the way people were treated. Chae Rung said she had no regrets nor grudges, but Soo has. An endless list of _shoulds_ and _woulds_ that only makes her feel worse.

 _I should have been more cautious with the King's bath, I should have realized sooner that she was guilty, I should have let the King grant her freedom when he wanted to, I should have known what she'd been doing, then I would have found a way to send her away from the palace. Then my little sister would be alive. A traitor and a regicide, but still alive._

Then there would be no bad blood between her and the King, and she would be able to look at him without feeling all the pain.

Her little sister had betrayed her.

Her lover had her executed.

Life in the palace was a poison, and she reprimands herself for being so naïve when she arrived for believing that she would be alright there. That as long as she worked hard, all things would come out just fine.

Now she lives among ghosts. Everywhere and everything is a painful memory she's been trying to forget.

She can not bear that anymore.

She is no psychologist, but she knows she's depressed. All the darkness is threatening to take over, and she knows it's only a matter of time until it claimed her life.

She has to leave that room. She has to leave the palace.

Jung said that he could take her out, but now that he is banished it's harder to send a message to him. Baek Ah would help her with that, she's sure, but after Woo Hee's death, she knows he had to be alone for a while. She has to respect that.

Beside her bed, she finds her hairpin, the one he gave her when he first proposed. She should have accepted him then, she thinks as she lays again, too tired to walk out of her bedroom and go back to the bath pool in Damiwon - the place where Go Ha Jin first met Chae Ryung, the place where Hae Soo was betrayed and deceived by Chae Ryun -, so she just stares at the ceiling once again, recalling her deepest regrets.

She curses herself for being so insecure, so afraid of giving her heart away, that she refused when he offered to take her away from the palace. She wishes she had said 'HISTORY BE DAMNED' and just left with him. He would never let her go now.

He would always hold her close, too desperate and too longing. He said he could never be without her, so he would try to convince her to stay. Even if she pushed him away, even if she said she hated him, he would still have her with him. She knows just how stubborn he was, especially if she was involved.

She has to leave, even though it will break her heart.

 _At least I won't suffer too long_ , she thinks. The death sentence of ten years that had been heaving over her head now seemed like a blessing. She has to find a way out, then bear her last years without him.

She wonders if she will even live that long with a broken heart.

She holds her hairpin tighter in her palm. It will hurt him too. It will hurt him as much as it hurts her now (maybe even more), but as a King who made history she knows he will survive. He has survived much worse things in his life, after all.

She feels herself starting to drift away once again when the doors burst open suddenly, and she sits hurriedly once again.

He doesn't see her at first, in the darkness of her little bedroom. He simply walks to the middle of the room, his walk irregular and uncertain - so unlike the prince she first met - until his eyes finally adjust to the dark and he sees her, sitting on her bed and staring right back at him.

She's not surprised when he avoids her gaze and chooses to look at the floor before sighing.

"Baek Ah told me you refused to enter in your chambers."

So it was Baek Ah who carried to her bed.

"Is that why you came here? Were you trying to avoid me?"

"I know you don't want to see me right now." he says, still looking straight down, "I cannot go against that. You are right to be mad, so I'm not going to ask your forgiveness or understanding. I'll leave you alone now."

He turns to leave, and that's when she sees the bottle of alcohol on his hand and finally makes sense of his staggering.

"Have you been drinking?" she asks before she can hold herself back.

He stops and then shakes his empty bottle.

"Indeed." he turns to her with a cold and empty smile, "It appears that I have been drinking the whole night."

"You shouldn't be wasting your time over such degenerated habits…"

"You're not even talking to me properly, but still can give me a lecture?"

She fights back the embarrassment and presses on.

"You're the king. Surely you should focus on ruling the country…"

"Rule the country?" he scoffs, bitterness dripping from his words, "Who rules the country if not those noble snakes that use me as their puppet? I rose from a dog on a leash to a dog on a chair! So, I'm sorry that I'm leaning over such improper habits, but honestly, I don't see anything else that I could do."

She flinches a little, hiding the hairpin further away from his view. She had seen him shouting before, but not at her. Never at her.

Soo knows his anger isn't completely directed at her, even though he is lashing out at her right now. But she can't deny that she is a major contributor to his current frustrations.

It's not like she can't pretend she doesn't know why he is in the middle of such a breakdown.

"You're drinking because I told you I want to leave, aren't you?", her voice is a soft whisper in the dark room.

The king chuckles.

"Is that so obvious?"

His laugh has no humor, just a cold and ironic hysteria, and it hurts her to see it. Especially when she remembers the last time things were good, and the way that his laugh made his chest rumble.

She can't bring that laugh out of him right now.

"I can't stay here anymore." she says miserably, averting her eyes from his silhouette obscured by shadows. She doesn't need to look at him to know what his reaction when she utters those words will be, and she doesn't want to see the moment he feels the rejection and allow his proud shoulders fall. She keeps her gaze down to her hands closed tight around her hairpin when he falls to the floor on the stairs next to her bed.

She can't quite hear when he whispers, more to himself and his empty wine bottle than to her.

"You're cruel, Soo-yah."

She flinches, because just listening to the misery in his voice - so similar to the 10th prince's back in the past - is enough to shatter her heart. Because what he says is right: she's cruel, she's selfish, she just wants to save herself. She had promised to always stand by him, but when things are too much for her to handle, she wants out.

"I'm sorry." And she is, she is sorry for him, sorry for herself. She's sorry because she's weak, she's sorry because she can't stay, she's sorry because she wants to live, sorry because she isn't strong enough to stand by him. She's sorry for not getting away from the palace with him when they had the chance. She's sorry for asking him to let Chae Rung stay.

The tears pour down her cheeks then, because her heart hurts, and she only wishes that she was back to the 21st century, when her biggest problems was a jerk of an ex, a fake best friend, and their debts.

She should have never wished for her life to change back then.

So she cries again for Chae Rung, and a little bit for Woo Hee. Also a little bit for herself, because her heart feels like is going to explode just then and there. She cries for him too, because he's so much more than this, but he's stuck with her and a seat that forces him to make harsh decisions that bring him closer to the king she always feared he could become.

"Every day I wake up here, I remember that I'm trapped in a place that wishes me dead and keeps hurting people that I care about. I have seen so much cruelty happen to people that didn't deserve it. You're making choices that will keep pushing you away from me! I can't even look at you and not remember what you commanded. And it just breaks my heart to the point that I would wish to just stop living, so all this suffering would end."

She doesn't look at him, and she knows he's not looking at her either. The silence surrounds them in the moonless night, in the cover of her bedroom, and in the darkness of all the unsaid things, and the distance between them.

"I don't want to leave you, but you're giving me no option", she whines.

"Well, I had no option!" He's still angry, but holds down the volume of his voice this time, mind working past the drunkenness, "Do you think I like to send people to their executions? Do you think I would have done that if there was another way?"

"Then what about Woo Hee?" her anger also comes up, but unlike him, she does not stop it, "Did you have no option either?"

That stops him, and his next words are muttered through his teeth.

"I didn't know her intentions. And you know I wouldn't hurt my brother like that."

"You would if it was the only way to save him!"

"I did not wish for that girl's death!"

"But she is dead now, and the thirteenth prince is gone." She tries to stop her words, but it's too late. She has hurt him again.

"I shouldn't have let him lead those troops. I should have been more ordering to him. No matter what, the guilt always finds its way back to me. I guess I drove Baek Ah away. One way or another I would eventually do it."

"That's not what I meant." her voice is soft again, because she can't be mad at him when he looks so vulnerable.

"I ruin everything."

"Pyeha..."

"I ruined you." he cuts her motivational speech, his voice void of emotion, "The first time I saw you, you were a ball of energy and light. Look at you now, faded, tied to a place you hate for the mistake of falling in love with a monster. I ruined you, and I ruined my brothers' lives. I promised myself that I would be a good king and put an end to the bloodshed in the court... I guess I ruined the palace as well." she can't see them, but she knows that there are tears on his face, "My mother was right. I'm an animal, and I shouldn't have returned."

She doesn't say a thing. Not because she doesn't want to, not because she doesn't have what to say, but because she can't. She can't make her voice come through the lump in her throat that was formed when he started speaking. So he goes on.

"If I had stayed in Shinju you'd be happily married to the man you used to love, my brother would still be king, princess Woo Hee would be alive and well, and you'd have Chae Rung at your side. And I would be where I belong." He finally brings his eyes to her, and his gaze finds a way to burn her even in the complete darkness. "Even until now, you're trying to run away from me."

"I'm sorry." It's all that comes out in a sob. Her words drown in the emptiness inside of her. Her voice is weak, because she can't forget Chae Rung bloodied body rolling on the ground.

It's unfair. To both of them, it's completely unfair. Life has never been fair to anyone, but the amount of despair that has been building on top of her - of them - is beyond the usual lemons life has to offer. They deserve so much more.

"Don't be." His voice is cold, but his mask doesn't fool her anymore, "I shouldn't have been so much of a fool to believe that you'd always want to be by my side."

The words are colder than ice and cut deeper than steel.

"I don't..."

"Don't bother to apologize." he cuts her attempt to excuse herself once again, "It was inevitable, so it's not your fault. It's just the way things are. Everyone leaves me in the end. Like Baek Ah did. Like General Park did. Like my brothers and my mother did my entire life."

"I love you." She says through her tears.

"I know." He smiles sadly.

"I wish I could stay, but I can't."

"Of course you can't. I'm cursed to always push my loved ones away. You just could bear with me a little longer than the others." He looks down again, his words now a little jumbled due to the excessive drinking and the exhaustion their argument, "I hoped I could always be the one by your side, and that you could be the one who would never leave me alone. But now you want to leave, and tear my heart apart."

"Pyeha…"

"I don't want your pity. But I also don't want to be your destruction." his words are harsh, but his tone is softer than before, "I made your life here miserable, and the last thing I could ever want is to hurt you. So I'll keep my promise of years ago and grant you freedom from the palace." he takes a deep breath, bracing himself for what he says next, "You may leave in the morning."

"Really? P-pye-" She almost goes up to him, the relief making her relax a little. But the shadow of her misery does not lift up from her, so she remains seated.

"Don't come say goodbye to me. I won't see you off."

He lets his head fall back, leaning on the thin wall behind him, and turns his face away from her. Too tired to storm out of her bedroom as he would have done.

She's as tired as he is, but she doesn't lay down, nor does she leave the room to the Damiwon once again. She just sits there, her hand already growing numb from holding on to her hairpin so tightly.

"What about you?" she whispers, trying not to disturb his unusual rest.

"Loneliness isn't a stranger to me, Soo-yah." he manages to answer her through the sleep that starts to spread through him, "My body is used to it as much as it's used to poison."

She's at loss for words. Too surprised by his decision of letting her go, and too stunned by his statement to say anything. So she remains silent, until he mumbles something out of his sleep.

"I don't know if I can live without you, though."

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\- - -『◆』- - -

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She can't fall asleep.

Instead, she watches him sleep next to her, his black robes blending him into the darkness.

She eases the grip on her hairpin, her hand a little numb from the strength she used on her grasp before. Now that their argument is over and he's passed out, the melancholy hits her again with double power. Her heart starts throbbing again and she rubs her chest, hoping to ease the pain, but knowing that only part of it is real.

Her heart is hurting for him, and she can't make it stop. She can't make her feelings for him stop.

He's unlike every other boy that she got fooled enough to give her heart to in the past. He's been by her side through everything. He's shown himself bare before her, allowing her to touch his deepest secrets. He's never been afraid to show his entire heart for her. He never ceased to demonstrate his feelings for her.

He's her best friend, the love of her life. He's given her more than she could ever give him in return. And for that, she could never forgive herself.

"You're an awful person, Hae Soo." she whispers.

Could anyone blame her for wanting to live? No. She knows so herself. But could anyone blame her for leaving him alone in the place that continues to consume every good part of him until he becomes a bloody tyrant? Yes. Especially if she is the only one he still has in that place. She would the first one to do so.

She moves out from her bed, crawling through the wooden floor until she is close enough to him. Through the darkness she manages to see his face, with his tears beginning to dry on his cheeks, the make up on his face faded somewhat. And the vision of his scar with the expression of loss and helplessness on his face brings an old memory.

He is the same boy she saw in the bath of Damiwon. The same boy she had stopped from destroying all the prayer stones. A boy who is suffering. A boy who is tired and just wanted to be loved.

 _Could she live without him?_

 _Could she live or would it just be surviving?_

She wonders if she was brought back just to ease his pain, just for making him love and be loved. To be allowed a few moments of happiness together, so he could be a better king. Or is she simply messing with history? If she didn't reach back for him, would he be in a better place now? Had she been too selfish for trying to stay by his side for so long? Letting him go, just like Jimong suggested, was the better option? Were they always meant to be together just to be torn apart later?

"I'm sorry." She hates that this is the only thing she can say right now.

She hates all of this. She hates the doubts and confusion that took over her mind. She hates that the lifestyle of the 10th century is so harsh that it forces her to push away her most loved one.

 _She didn't know if she could live without him either._

"Don't go, Soo-yah..."

His voice startles her a little, and she thinks he's awake. But after moving a little, the King's body stills and he does not move nor speak again.

Her tears start falling once again.

He always looked younger when he slept, like all the worries and troubles he ever endured never happened. He looked at peace, and she couldn't stop smiling every time she watched him then. But now, he does not look peaceful at all. He resembles more of the time he came to her in distress after being once again rejected by his mother, after being repudiated by the people at the rain ritual, after being haunted by the fact that he had killed his own brother.

 _Everyone always leaves me_ , he said. She had promised him she wouldn't change first, and now she's breaking his trust and leaving.

She thought it would take a lot more to convince him to let her go, she was prepared for a fight, she had a huge list of reasons that forced her to leave him behind, she braced herself for all the lies she would have to tell him, to make sure that their bond would get severed enough that he would no longer wish for her presence at the palace.

But he has already given her freedom. And she feels more miserable than ever.

"Why did you have to love me so much, huh?", she whispers through her tears, "If you had listened to me and left me be, you wouldn't be suffering now. Why did you chase after me, you fool? What am I to do now?"

 _Could she leave him behind?_

 _Could she abandon him in a lair of wolves?_

"Please, forgive me." Her words are soundless, and she turns away from him, before she's swayed from her decision.

She tries her best to move around her bedroom in the darkness without waking the King. She tries her best to pretend that his presence isn't a constant on her mind, and selects the essentials for her life outside the palace.

She's basically running away, and she knows it. But she also does not want to see him before she leaves, or she'll end up not leaving at all.

 _This is not fair to him, Go Hajin._

She ignores whatever her modern self could ever suggest her doing, were she on her place. She opens up her chest and starts packing her personal belongings.

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\- - -『◆』- - -

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When Wang So wakes up, his eyes are puffy and his head hurts. He feels disoriented for a while, but after a few seconds staring at the ceiling of her bedroom all the recent memories come back.

He is alone. Once again.

He thought it wouldn't hurt that much. He had always been alone before, so he thought he would be used to the pain. But after being loved so much, after being helped to get rid of his darkness, after being held against her warmness, after being abandoned yet again, the loneliness hurts even more than in the past.

He holds back the tears. He will not cry.

He raises from the floor, his body aching due to the position he stayed during the night, and that is when he notices the blanket around him.

His heart aches when he notices that it smells just like her.

Gwangjeong then looks around her bedroom, and tries to not think too much about the details, but he can't help avoid noticing that her bed has been taken away, and her wardrobes are opened and emptied.

The only thing that's left is the red and blue hanbok on top of a cupboard.

He moves closer to it, taking it on his hands. For a moment he has to hold himself back to not storm out of the room and go after her, drag her back from wherever she decided to go, and lock her back on her room with soldiers guarding her doors

He has let her go, but she's still his person.

However, after hurting so many people, maybe he does not deserve to have anyone by his side.

He puts the hanbok back on its place and leaves the room.

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\- - -『◆』- - -

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The last stone he piles makes his heart sink a little further.

He does not pray, nor does he say a thing all the time he spends building a small tower besides the ones Hae Soo built. He quietly continues his work, remembering the first time he ever bothered to build one of these, on the day he gave up on gaining the love of his mother.

Maybe now he should give up on being loved at all.

He also remembers the time when he thought that no one would ever be able to hold him close, to warm him and make him smile to the point of blatantly stealing his heart away, make him chase after her, and even be willing to meet him in the middle. He knows that if she left him, then there's no hope for him anymore.

The last stone he piles seals the empty space on his heart.

He rises and stares straight ahead, ignoring the stones she piled for them, and focusing his eyes to the lake, hoping to calm his mind. He does not move when he hears the footsteps coming closer to him, probably belonging to one of the eunuchs who've been worried by his absence.

"What did you wish for?", her voice surprises him, and he has to summon all of his willpower to not turn around, not take her in his arms, not to say he has changed his mind, he does not allow her to leave, she'll have to stay by his side forever.

"Nothing." he manages to speak in a controlled voice, but does not turn to her, "There is nothing else I want."

"Nothing at all? I'm disappointed..."

She must want to kill him, for sure. Had she known how little he is from falling apart just by listening to the small familiarity in her voice, she would have been cold and distant before leaving him behind.

"I thought I said I didn't want you to come to say goodbye?" The harshness on his voice is intentional. If she's so reluctant to leave him without saying a word, he'll have to force her to do so.

"Yes, you did.", she says quietly, but still getting closer to him.

"Then?"

"I'm not saying goodbye."

"What?" He turns to her then, surprise evident on his face and on his posture, and the confusion almost pouring out from his eyes, and he does not understand why she suddenly starts giggling, and even though he's aware that it's the first time he sees her smiling on a very long time, he still wants to understand what's happening, so he raises his eyebrows and she seems to notice his unasked question.

"I'm staying." she says simply, the smile already leaving her lips, but he's too fazed by what she just said to be saddened by that.

"But I thought you… You hate this place.", he swallows hard and tries not to remember every time she ever said that the life in the palace didn't suit her, "You said it was breaking your heart, you said you couldn't stay." He wasn't mistaken, she said so, every single statement was a sharp dagger to his heart.

"I meant I couldn't stay without suffering." it's her clarification, but it does not clarify anything to him.

"Then why haven't you left already?" _Just like everyone else did_.

He does not complete his sentence out loud, but he does not need to. He just looks at her, clad in a pale hanbok and simple hairstyle, and he does not believe he'll survive when she collects her wits and agree with him, wonder why she's still here, turn around and leave.

She does not say anything for a while and his apprehension grows, his hand clutching in a tight fist. She just keeps watching the lake from the distance, melancholy evident on her eyes, before she finally speaks, her voice soft and quiet.

"Remember when you tried to pretend you didn't care for me anymore?"

He scoffs and resumes to stare at the lake just like her. He does not wish to talk about the past, but that does not stop her.

"You almost got me fooled, you know? For a brief moment I did believe your feelings had changed. But all your efforts fell apart when you jumped in front of that flying arrow for me."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"And even before that you had already went to extremes for me." she ignores his anguished question and keeps reminiscing, "When you stood by me on the rain, when you drank three cups of poisoned tea so I wouldn't be implicated. There was even that day you tried to stop my marriage to King Taejo."

He shuts his eyes and sighs.

"Soo-yah."

"And if I had accepted your first wedding proposal and your father had banished you to Shinju again, you wouldn't have minded, would you?"

"I still don't understand. Why haven't you left already?"

"I couldn't." this time he feels her eyes on him when she answers, "I packed all my things, but when I took the first step to a life without you I got scared. And then the thought of you alone in this place scared me even more, and almost broke my heart as well."

He turns to her and lets his eyes meet hers.

"I'd be fine eventually, though."

"Would you?"

He looks down to the ground, to the grass, his shoes, her praying stones. They both knew 'fine' wouldn't be the best word to describe his state of mind after her departure.

He feels her moving beside him then, and when she gets closer he watches through the corner of his eye as she piles a stone and silently clasps her hands together, her eyes closing softly.

"You've already given me too much, Pyeha. Even if it meant you'd suffer as well." she takes a deep breath before continuing, "It's not fair that I'm unwilling to do the same."

"I don't want you to suffer." it's all he can say miserably.

"Neither do I. But I don't want you to suffer either." she lets her hands fall beside her body, "That's why I'm staying. I'm willing to stay by your side even if it hurts me..."

"Soo-yah, this isn't-"

"And I'm willing to do it because I love you." She turns to him then, her eyes lacking any doubts or uncertainties, looking like her past rebel and noisy self, with a small flicker of hope and warmness,still covered by grief and sadness.

Her words make him want to pull her close into his arms and never let go, but her eyes keep him at bay. She notices his hesitation, and even though she does not do anything to close their distance yet, she smiles at him reassuringly.

"Things aren't okay right now, Pyeha. But I'll stay, and I'll fight, so one day they will be."

That's when it dawns on him. She's not leaving. She's staying. She's staying and he's not alone. It's going to take some time for things to be like they used to, and he is sure that the road in front of them is winding and treacherous, but he can do it, he can do anything if he knows she's going to meet him in the middle.

And he knows, there are no stones on his heart that she isn't able to move when she smiles like that.

* * *

 **A\N: I was going to fill this one with so much angst that actual tears would come out from the screen. But I got lazy. And it got too long. And I lost touch with my dark self who breaks the readers' hearts. And if I dragged too long this would remain on my 'The Ones That'll Never See The Light Of Day' folder.**

 **I'll probably continue to write this. I know I always say that, but this time I actually have an outline (kind of)! So the chances of a next chapter coming are really high, I just can't promise when... Sorry, I'm a really slow writer T_T but I'll try to be quicker if I can.**

 **Hope you enjoyed it!**


	2. this isn't working

**A/N: So, I had some sort of lapse last time and forgot to explain the title. 'Minguante' is directly translated into 'Waning', but when I came up with the idea of the name, I had no idea of the english equivalent. Then the name stuck and I couldn't change after finding it out... (It actually sounds better in portuguese to me.) I don't know if, like the portuguese word, the word 'waning' can refer both to someone's strengths fading, and to the lunar phase, but that's what it means.**

 **I actually was going to update this a lot sooner, but I had to travel, and then I had adult life problems. So yeah, it is a bit late, but it's here. I do however, have half of the next chapter written, so I might end up updating sooner... I hope! Still can't promise anything.**

 **Wow, I just realized I actually updated a fanfic for the first time in my life... Enjoy your reading!**

* * *

Fighting is hard, Hae Soo soon finds out. But this realization only comes to her a long time after she proclaims her decision to the King.

When her words leave her mouth - beautiful, well-thought words, so she could break any resistance she knew he had already started to build - she tries to smile and show confidence, tries to pretend her shoulders and her knees aren't about to give up, tries to assure him that she'll be fine, that they'll be fine, but she knows he's not convinced.

He's surprised and a little hopeful, but not convinced.

That alone is one more incentive for her to stay, just to prove him she's right.

"Are you sure this is wise?" His voice carries a deep concern and that's when she knows that he is not unconvinced, he's worried.

Even in this kind of situation, he's worried for her, he's putting her wellbeing first, and she feels her decision strengthening. She cannot leave him, even if he decides to throw her out himself.

Because she knows that the moment she leaves him behind, her melancholy will only increase to the point of claiming her life. She'll be even emptier than she is now, and there'll be no repair to her damages then.

And if, by staying, she's able to save at least a small fraction of what they once had, she'll die happy.

 _I should tell him soon… I'm sorry Pyeha, but even though I promised to stay, I can't stay for long._

But for now, she won't focus on the sad future; the present is sorrowful enough. Now she will just aim for their recovery.

"I'm positive that I've already proved that my decisions aren't very wise." She smiles, trying to lighten up his – their – mood.

"Soo-yah."

"It probably is not wise, Pyeha." She refuses to allow her smile to fall, "But it's what I want to do. So please, do not let me fight alone."

"I will not." And it's his turn to smile. A tiny and almost imperceptive smile, but it is there, and she feels stronger just by seeing it. It still is a phantom of what it used to be, but knowing she's the one providing him with such a joy, even though small, is enough for her.

 _Everything will be fine. We'll be fine._

.

.

\- - -『◆』- - -

.

.

She feels light after she leaves him, the weight over her gone for a little while. But after a few seconds walking alone in the hallways of the palace, she's suffocating once again.

When she enters her little room, her heart is a stone sinking into the depths of the ocean, drowning in the darkness, and she's nauseated once again.

 _Even the air in this place is poisonous._

She could ask someone to clean her room. She could ask him for a new bedroom in a different part of the palace. She doesn't have to come in and sort her personal belongings all by herself. But if she wants to fight for them, she feels like she has to overcome everything between them, and that's how she'll start.

She opens her chest and starts to unpack. And also tries not to think of when the last time she did this, Chae Rung was beside her.

The first item she pulls out is an arrow, and she holds on tightly to it.

When she was packing her belongings last night, that arrow was what made her decision to leave fade. She remembers when she held it tightly a few hours before, when all her memories of him risking his life for her inundated her mind and she felt more guilty than ever. She also remembers when she recalled all the other little things that he used to do - sometimes just to make her smile a little - that meant everything at the time.

Then she was hit by a different wave of memories. The ones of when she had been willing to do anything to help him, to prevent him from suffering.

She remembered when she had risked the rage of the late king Jeongjong to meet him in after his arrow injury, when she had hidden the tenth prince so he wouldn't be forced to kill his brother, when she had held him from destroying the praying stones in his rage. When she had covered his scar, and then he brought the rain.

She had never stopped to ponder if her actions would have some impact in the future. Never once spent too long wondering about all the paradoxes involving her weird time travel. After her failed attempts to come back to the 21st century, she accepted things the way they were, and just tried her best to stay alive.

But when she was finally alone and with plenty of time for pointless speculations, she kept imagining all the possible scenarios that could happen. If she ever came back to her time, would anything have changed? Her lack of knowledge in Goryeo's history was more frustrating than ever.

 _Was it all me? All those conflicts amongst the princes. Him rising to the throne. Was it all me? Had I not come to the past and covered his scar, would any of it happen?_

 _Had I not come to the past and covered his scar, would he spent his entire life as an angry wolf dog on a leash?_

 _Would he be loved?_

 _Would he be understood?_

Her packing was already forgotten. All there was was the arrow in her hands and the memories of their actions. (Also, there was his presence behind her, but she was trying her best to ignore its burning effect on her.)

 _Was I brought here just for him? To make him what he is today? To make him a king?_

Perhaps that was true. Perhaps destiny was putting an extra effort on bringing them together to the point of dragging her to a different millennia from the one she was born. Perhaps everything that happened in her life was a preparation for the moment they would be brought together and clumsily erase their scars.

That sounded a little ridiculous and she almost laughed, but then remembered how her very presence in that place would have been called ridiculous as well, and resumed conjecturing.

 _Then what happens now?_

Her knowledge of Gwangjong's life was limited, but she had a good summary impregnado on her mind from growing up. He had always been described as a wicked and a cold hearted man, who did not think twice to kill his subjects and his brothers.

A bloody tyrant, they called him. A lonely boy, Soo knew.

(A killer, short-tempered and hard to reach boy, but a boy nonetheless.)

 _If I leave will anything change in history? What about if I stay? Will my departure be the trigger for everything, just like my makeup was?_

When she started to contemplate the possibility of staying, she knew that she had just made things harder. Because ever since the beginning of their awkward friendship she saw in him a person in need of help. And just like that little boy who almost drowned back in modern Seoul, she jumped right into his life, not caring about the consequences. Not knowing that after holding him once he would need for her to hold him forever.

He needed her, and she couldn't leave him.

 _He needs you, Hae Soo._

 _And you know you also need him._

She's brought back to the present, in the same position she was the night before, when she decided to stay. The arrow rests cold in her hands, her breath is shaky.

He needs her, and she needs him. But just because she has good motives, it does not make it any easier. Just because he is fighting as well, it does not make anything right.

She tightens her grip on the arrow and takes a deep breath.

 _This is for you and for him, Go Ha Jin. Fight for the good things both of you deserve._

She holds back the tears and returns to the chest.

.

.

\- - -『◆』- - -

.

.

The first time Hae Soo sees Gwangjong after her decision to stay is by accident.

It's not that they have been avoiding each other, this time. He has been too busy to sneak a meeting between his royal duties, and she has been too tired at night to wait up for him. At first, she wanted to force herself to stay awake, but then he sends a note urging her to sleep and get some rest, for the sake of her health.

Her days, however, are no longer spent idly. The king has allowed her to resume some of her activities on Damiwon, even without restoring her as a Court Lady. So she just supervises the new dishes and tea blends, instructs and trains the new girls who are to fill the old positions, and the old ones who are getting new positions at the palace. She also decides on teaching some of them to read, remembering the constant frustration she felt when she was illiterate, and feels glad that she's helping them to get a better life in a place such as the palace.

She makes soap, and finds some relief on having her mind filled with mundane matters.

At night, however, she finds her mind surrendering to melancholy once again. And sometimes she cries herself to sleep over and over again. She makes a habit of counting all the good things that happened to her during the day, and tries not to feel too sad.

When she wakes up, she asks Jimong for news about Chae Rung's family. And despite fearing what the king might think, he tells her everything. He tries to stop her, but he's unable to stop her from helping them in any way they need.

She feels at peace when she helps. So she teaches the court ladies to read and write, she helps the girls to come up with the meals and snacks for the guests at the Damiwon. She takes care of Baek Ah, and keeps him company through his grief. She sends soaps to the fourteenth prince, wishing he's safe wherever he is.

The work is a relief, but a momentary one. Just like the pain in her joints was from her hard work as a musuri.

She's not getting better, she's just getting distracted.

She feels at peace when she helps others, but she'd be happier if others helped her.

 _It could be worse, Hae Soo. You could be worse._

She tells herself what she's fighting for so she can stand up in the morning.

She's the one to prepare the King's meal, even though no one asks her to, no one orders to, no one gives her the permission to do so. She just starts doing, and she's sure that everyone in the palace knows how much the king favors her when no one stops her.

She doesn't know if he's aware that she's eating her food, but she does not care that much. She feels glad enough just to know that he's eating, and feels a little closer to him by doing it, so does not stop.

After that, she starts to prepare his bath as well, before immediately leaving the pool. Not because she's avoiding him, of course not. She just needs to check on the soaps she left drying back in the other room. She could always see him… any other time.

She takes time on picking the herbs for his bath, trying to guess if he needs something more relaxing and calming, or something more revitalizing to help him to stay up, perhaps something more medicinal to improve his health.

One day she takes too long to prepare the perfect blend and when she starts to move out of the scene, she is greeted by the view of her king on his under robs.

She just stands still for a while, until she notices that the court lady who was to assist the king during his bath has bowed down, so she follows her actions after a second of confusion.

"You have come."

She hears him chuckle and hopes they were alone, so she could lecture him on laughing at the cost of others. She does, however, straightens her body and try not to smile after hearing him so amused.

The king clears his throat, eyes still fixed on hers.

"I have received instruction on taking an herb infused bath every once in a while." He says as if trying to start a conversation, and she's more than glad to oblige.

"You'd do well by following this instruction.", she says in a warm voice, "The herbs will strengthen your immune system and relax your sore muscles." He smiles and gets closer to her, and she feels sorry that he still has the need to wear his robe closed in the presence of someone else, but decides not to let it disturb their stolen moment of peace.

"There are better methods to relax sore muscles, though." She cringes on the inside and hopes that the court lady present does not hear the implication on his line, or if she does, that she's a quiet one and doesn't spread it like wildfire on the palace.

"But, unfortunately, none of them are available at the moment, so you'll have to be satisfied with the bath, Pyeha." She raises an eyebrow, urging him to stop being embarrassing and just get into the bath, what he quickly does, and she prepares herself to leave.

She wishes she could stay, but watching him go under the water, even in a different pool, brings her memories and insecurities that she does not need to know. He seems to read her uncertainty and slowly nods, smiling reassuringly at her.

She smiles back, relieved, and can't help but congratulate herself for deciding to stay.

She can do this.

.

.

\- - -『◆』- - -

.

.

She can't do this.

For a while things are stagnated, and she fears they'll ever be like this, not getting worse, but never truly progressing.

There are times they cross ways or they roam around the place they know the other is - at least she does that, he has yet to confirm her suspicions that he's doing the same - hoping to catch a glance, perhaps a smile of reassurance.

There are times they talk, and there are times they can make each other smile. There are times that they think everything is going to be alright. There are times that they can almost - almost! - forget the things that happened and the walls around and between them.

There are times things get awkward between them and they can just be civilized to each other.

And there are times they argue.

She never knows how these time's end up happening, nor how to stop them once they already went far enough to regret everything later, she just knows that these times come, and they hurt her the most.

Because it's when these times come that she feels weak, incapable of changing anything, just a watcher of the sad last events of a tragedy. (She shivers at the thoughts of 'last' and 'tragedy'). But that's the way things are between them, and that's what's happening right now.

"Maybe it would be good for me!" Again, she does not know how this conversation turned into an argument. She doesn't even realize they are fighting over something until she raises her voice.

(Or until he scowls at something she says. Or until she takes a time to realize how both of their postures are somewhat aggressive and defensive at the same time. Or until one of them barges away, fuming and irritated.)

"I'm not allowing Jung to return just because you feel lonely." He retorts her last argument, after a series of other arguments she's been raising just to convince him from revoking the banishment of his brother, even after he told her not to touch this topic again.

"Well, will you just make everyone who's close to either die or go away, so I'll have no option but you?" Her words are too cruel, even for her, but in the heat of the moment, she cannot bring herself to care.

"Is that what you think I'm doing?" He's also too angry to get hurt by her assumption, but he's still outraged.

"That's what it looks like."

"You'd think so low of me..." He shakes his head, skeptical.

"So determined, yes." She corrects his line, not so angry to the point of labeling him as something less than he is, "You forgot you threatened to kill people because of me before?"

"You thought I'd actually go through that threat?"

"Yes."

"Is that why you've never told me who he was?" He suddenly changes the topic all together at the memory of the day she first refused him on the beach, "Up until now you've been afraid that I'd feel like he was taking you away from me, and I'd kill him, haven't you?"

"It's not like that."

"So, you're basically saying I'm an animal."

"I'm not." Her anger cools down at the sight of the small glint of hurt in his eyes.

"No? Then why were you afraid of me before I took you to the beach that day? Why did you tell me to leave?"

"That was so long ago."

"But you did the same thing just yesterday." He makes mention of another not very good moment they had on the previous day.

"Because I wanted to be alone."

"Do you want that now? I can arrange that!"

"Pyeha…" She tries to stop him from leaving, but he freezes halfway to the exit and sighs.

"You said you wanted to fight for us, but why are you always fighting me?"

That's enough to stir her anger once again.

"So you want me to ignore every time you do something I don't like? Am I not allowed to express my opinion? Am I not allowed to stand up for myself?"

"That's not it."

"No? Then what is it? Why do you want to keep the fourteenth prince away from the palace so bad?"

"Why do you want him to come back so bad?" He turns around and looks straight into her eyes.

"I thought I told you more than enough reasons why."

"But none of them were the actual one, were they?"

She swallows and tries to hold his stare.

"I meant what I said."

"But there's something more to it."

"What about you then?" She evades the question and directs it to him, "You keep saying that you're keeping him away because the ministers could see you as weak if you allowed him to return, but the truth is that you're still bitter because your mother loved him more, isn't it?"

There's silence after this, and not for the first time (nor the last, probably) she regrets her words as soon as they leave her mouth.

He does not break the stare, but the effect of what she on him is evident.

She tries to come up with something that can take back the damage she caused, but he's quicker to speak, his voice low and cold.

"I remember when you were the only person who could understand me. I guess that that's too much of trouble for you now, right?"

"Pyeha… I didn't…"

"You meant what you said."

"I meant that…"

"Take responsibility for your words, Hae Soo. They hurt more than arrows."

He leaves her alone then, just like she asked him to, and she feels miserable once again.

.

.

\- - -『◆』- - -

.

.

They avoid each other after that. At least consciously this time. She doesn't know what to say, and it doesn't look like he wants to hear it anyway, so they spend more time alone in the palace, and she takes this time to try to heal. But every time she closes her eyes, his face comes back to her mind, and she wonders if they'll ever make it, or if they'll live like this until her heart gives up.

She tries to drown herself in work, like she would have done in the Gyobang, and sometimes she tries to drown herself in alcohol like she would have done in the modern world, but it seems like her misery keeps her at the surface, and she finds herself floating on the waters, at the mercy of the crashing waves.

One day she's roaming around the garden, trying to find some sort of positivity in that cage she forces herself to live on, when she sees him.

He's at the same little gazebo the late king was when he shot an arrow at her, and she tries to push that memory away.

Instead, she focuses on him, looking straight ahead at the lake, and she believes she can guess what he is thinking about. She remembers when she spent three years coming to this very lake to cherish all the good memories from it (she ignores the bad ones).

Then she decides they have avoided each other long enough already and comes closer to him.

He does not acknowledge her presence as she comes closer, but she knows he's aware of her presence. Soo stands by his side quietly, also looking at the lake, a distance of 3fts between them.

They spend a long time in silence, enough for her to be bothered by it and break it first.

"I'm sorry for what I said the other day." It's all she has to offer to him.

"You don't have to be."

"But I am. I don't like to say hurtful things."

"Even if they are true?" He doesn't stray the sight from the lake for one second, nor does she.

"You can still tell the truth without hurting someone else." She's known this for a long time, she's tried to live with that conviction, but she knows that nothing can justify her words, "I know you're mad…"

"I'm not mad."

"No?" The surprise is enough for her to whip her head around and look at him instead.

He has his eyes closed, as if lost in thoughts, and for a moment she fears he's come back to ignoring her, when he speaks calmly.

"We can't keep fighting like this." He explains softly, "That is, if we really want things to go back to the way they were before.", she can feel the last bit of hope in his unasked question.

"Maybe they can't. Maybe that's what the palace does, poisons every bond to the point of too far beyond repair."

"You said you wouldn't change first."

"I didn't. The circumstances around me did, my responsibilities did, my priorities did." She swallows hard, the conversation not really going the way she hoped to, "My options did."

He sighs deeply, understanding what she means, and recognizing the same pattern on himself.

"Why are we always taking one step forward, then three backwards?"

She looks away from him then, returning her eyes to the lake in front of them.

"You should answer it to me, Pyeha." She has already gave up on finding that answer.

"Every time you look at me, you see a monster." His voice lacks any emotion.

"No. That's not it."

"Every time you look at me, you see the man who caused the death of Chae Rung."

"Yes. But that's not it."

"Then what is it?"

"I don't know…" She says miserably, "It's hard to say."

"It shouldn't."

She gathers her courage and tries to summarise all the events that have been happening ever since he became King that were slowly building a wall between them in a single sentence.

"You're becoming someone else." She tries not to cry, "The throne keeps pushing you away from me, and I fear you'll change."

"That's not how it works."

"I've seen lots of people change, Pyeha. The late king Hyejong going mad, the eighth prince coveting the throne, Chae Rung committing treason, Woo Hee jumping from the rooftops…" Her voice trembles and she stops talking.

"Maybe they didn't change. Maybe you just didn't know them in the first place."

His stubbornness would never let her convince him the dangers of his position to his character, and she knows that. She remembers when Oh Sanggung told her that she could not change a person, and she hoped that the same applied to the throne. However, she cannot set her uncertainties aside after such a long time of discord between them.

"Do I know you?"

The question hangs in the air for a while before he retorts her question with another one.

"Do you still love me?"

She wonders if he knows that, at this point, she couldn't ever stop loving him.

"Yes. But love isn't enough."

"No, it's not."

"Then love is not what we need." She voices the truth they've been trying to avoid, even though it hurts him, even though it hurts her. On this situation there's no way the truth won't hurt any of them.

He leaves her alone then, even though this time she didn't ask him to, and she actually hoped he wouldn't. And she feels miserable once again, even though the sight of his back walking away from her had become something familiar to her.

That's when Hae Soo finds out. Fighting is hard.

* * *

 **A\N: Alright, I confess, I wasn't going to end there. It just got so long... And I really wanted to update soon... So sorry, it was a little messy to write because some scenes were written for the previous chapter, but then I decided to put them here, and then I couldn't make the transitions smooth enough, and I kept getting confused on the use of Present Perfect tense, and then I kept thinking something was wrong with the way I kept using the quotation marks (I still think that, anyway). And proofreading these two was more frustrating than SoSoo drifting apart. *sighs***

 **Anyway, thanks a lot for your support on the previous chapter, and I hope I could attend to your expectations on this one.**

 **...**

 **myrka1296g**

 _ **Sorry for taking too long, and sorry for answering you in english. I can understand spanish alright, but if I try to write I just embarrass**_ ** _myself. I'm glad you like the story, and no, I have no plans to abandon it. I'll keep writing until it's over, even if it takes a long time. Well, they're not together yet, and Seol isn't in the picture yet, but, who knows?_**

 **...**

 **Daoine**

 _ **I'm still at episode 7. Taking it slow and calm, specially because I'm watching it with a friend, and I want her to get attached to the characters (just to watch her reaction to the painful end). I agree, Soo wouldn't have left the palace if it wasn't for Seol, and for so long I pondered if I should have her unaware of her pregnancy, or just to make pregnancy come a while after. I've decided for the later, so I would have more time to prepare myself for all the mess that it will be...**_

 **...**

 **sandufus**

 _ **Not completely well yet, still angtsy, Yeonhwa still lurking at the palace, but hey, it's SoSoo we're talking about! They'll get over all of this (I hope). I'll try not to go all sadistic on them, but do not fret much. The only reason I started this was to write some SoSoo fluff, I just need to get to that part yet... I have prepared myself to write something around 20 chapters, but considering how more and more stuff keeps popping on my head, this number might be bigger (or smaller, considering my bipolar pattern of writing).**_

 **...**

 **Guest**

 _ **Glad you enjoy this auish plot! And yeah, Soo is the best and deserves all the love in the world for always being so ready to sacrifice herself and her own happiness for the ones she cares about! Embrace the feelings, let them overflow your heart. (Sorry for causing pain again.)**_


	3. i can make it right

**A\N: Greetings, and apologies for the late update. No, this story hasn't been abandoned. Sorry everyone, I had half of the chapter written when I fell ill, and the aggressive winter hasn't been helpful on my recovery. However, I finally manage to finish, and it's here, it's ready, it's longer than I expected it to be. In fact, it got so I big that I had to split it. Which means that you'll have a double update tonight!**

 **Enjoy your reading! :)**

* * *

She doesn't see him for a while.

She wanders around the gardens, trying to clean her lungs after spending too much time in the shadows of the palace. She stops by the gazebo near the lake every time she can, hoping to catch him there once again, but her attempts are fruitless.

She hopes to see him, and walks around every place he might be, except the throne room. She's desperate, but not eager for another spar or heartbreaking conversation before the public's eyes.

She stops by her praying towers more often than ever. She piles stone after stone, but this time she does not come up with any words to say. The only thing that exists at the moment is her silence and her hopes that the heavens can somehow see her heart and listen to her quiet desperate wishes.

She wishes he could forgive her for being like this.

She wishes she could forgive herself for being like this.

She wishes they were in a different place, a different time. A different situation and a different background. A different future that didn't weigh on her as the grasp of death over her grew stronger.

She wishes things were simpler and he wasn't forced to do things that made him become crueler and colder.

She wishes that, if she cannot have a different present, then maybe their lives can be eased a little bit. Maybe they could have trustful people around them. Maybe his own family wouldn't throw him away over and over again.

She wishes, and then she feels miserable that that's the only thing she can do.

Some days are colder and lonelier than the others, and on these days Hae Soo also regrets.

As she walks closer to the hallways of the palace, seeking for cover from the aggressive wind, she feels the dread spreading over her body, her grief starting to pull her down, her loneliness accentuated in the echo of the empty spaces that once were so filled up with laughter.

She decides to take the long way back to her room, where she is certain the shadows will be darker. But she regrets coming to that part of the palace the second she hears someone calling to her.

"I heard a rumor that you'll be leaving us soon." The queen is smiling like usual, but this time she actually sounds happy. As if just the idea of the place without Hae Soo's presence was everything she could ever ask for.

"Who told you that?" Soo tries not to sound intimidated, not to look too small next to the woman dressed in bright colors, expensive jewelry and complex hairstyle.

"I don't think it matters. Does it?" The other woman tilts her head a little, letting the answer hang in the air.

 _It couldn't have been him! He said he wouldn't let go of me, he said he'd fight for us as well!_

 _Maybe he got tired_ , the weakest side of her was convinced he's finally got enough.

 _She's just trying to get to you_ , the wisest, strongest - smallest - side of her refused to cry. _You know him. You know he won't send you away like this._

(So she feels worse just for doubting him in the first place.)

Soo takes a deep breath and tries to focus on her distaste for the woman next to her so she won't start crying once again.

"I don't enjoy fake pleasantries, Hwanghu. I'm sure you know that by now. So tell me, what do you want?"

"Want?" Daemok laughs, but Soo notices that her smile is as empty as always, "I'm the queen of Goryeo! Is there anything I don't have yet?"

"Then, please, don't let me bother you any longer," Hae Soo says, trying to contain her hostility and get rid of her at the same time, "Please return to your empty quarters and keep feeding on your wrong rumors, as you just confirmed I'm not leaving." She feels satisfied to watch the queen's smile leave her face, even though she's not half as confident as she sounds.

Yeon Hwa's eyes flash with hatred, and Hae Soo's feels relieved. She prefers that people show their true colors while talking to her, rather than the sweet subtle stabs that were so common in the palace.

"It's amazing what the king's favor does to a person." The woman's voice is filled with despite and arrogance, so Soo cannot hold her retort.

"Or lack, thereof." Her statement makes the queen narrow her eyes on her.

"Still haven't learned your place…" Daemok reprimands as she walks closer to her, in a threatening manner, "Look around, Hae Soo. Your feeble love is already withering. It's just a matter time until one of you let go first. Gripping to a driftwood in the middle of a sea storm takes a lot of courage and strength, but in the end it's pointless, and changes nothing."

Had it been before, Go Hajin would have been able to handle it. Had their circumstances being different, even if she had fought with her king, she would have been able to get back to the woman in front of her. But now, with a weak heart, a weak state of mind, and the memory of his eyes when they last talked, Hae Soo can't.

She can only stop the tears from falling, and that seems to put the queen in a good mood once again.

"No smart retorts this time?" she laughs, using her own words as daggers, "You should have accepted my generosity back then. You'll leave the palace soon, in shame and humiliation, and I'll be watching you from the top of the walls."

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\- - -『◆』- - -

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.

She cannot pretend the queen's words don't affect her.

After the nasty woman leaves her, glad for bringing someone else down again, Hae Soo's misery seems to tenfold.

This time, however, she cannot blame the queen for anything except for telling the truth. That was her reality, and she could not run away from it.

(Not that she was trying to.)

Anyway, the queen's words hurt because they were true. And apparently the other woman also knew that they would hurt more than any of the previous statements and remarks she had ever bothered to direct to Hae Soo.

She feels worse after realizing that that was the first time she could not forget Yeon Hwa's words, and keeps repeating them over and over again in her head.

( _Your feeble love is already withering. It's just a matter of time until one of you let go._ )

"It's not!" She screams at nothing. She yells at no one. Now that she's alone, it's safe to deny the undeniable and to let the tears pour out of her eyes. "It's not…", she whispers weakly, holding onto one of the pillars so she doesn't fall down to her knees.

Their love is not withering, she's sure of it. It's already dead.

It's already dead, and all that's left are the weak embers of what was once a bonfire, that always give the false hope that it can be lit and burn again, but only gets colder and colder, until the ashes are all that remain.

Their love is already dead, and she was the one to pull the flames out.

(The queen is right. Her decision to stay is a futile one, and it will change nothing.)

She adds one more saddening issue to her counting. One more regret to her pile of stones. One more restless and lonely night to her expectations. One less reason to believe.

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\- - -『◆』- - -

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.

(She erases the queen's words. She forgets them. She's already got her hands full, she doesn't need more reasons to feel cold and alone and empty).

When the night falls and her feet are tired from pointless walks, she goes to her small room and remembers when she believed her life in there would be easy. When she vowed to be by his side and help him to be seen as the wise and brave man she knew he was.

 _Was I that naïve?_

Ever since her decision to stay she has tried a different way to see things. Instead of replaying bad memories in her mind, she forces her mind to recall the good ones as well. She grasps every single one of them as if they were her lifetime - which they were somehow - and prevents the bad ones from coming.

(One's regrets, however, cannot be kept away for too long. Hae Soo knows that. Hae Soo knows that if she continues to build a wall of concrete to keep the bad things away, instead of dealing with them properly, the dam will eventually crack, succumbing to the strength of the water, and she will be dragged away, until she drowns in her own misery.)

She focuses on the good memories, knowing that sitting alone while doing so isn't the best way to overcome all the things that keep pushing them apart, but with no other resource at hand.

Even her own dinner, that starts to cool down in front of her, makes her remember the last time they had it - with both of them upset with each other, him leaving before he even ate half of his rice bowl, and her losing her strength to hold on to him.

Soo pushes this memory aside and remembers other times they shared a meal. The first time they had a pacific conversation when she carried his dinner up a mountain. The quiet day they spent on Baek Ah's property and she had to feed him because his arm was not good enough yet. His first days as king, when they would sit around a table with Baek Ah and be the closest thing to a family.

She wishes she had valued those moments more. Mundane occasions when he would come to have dinner just to spend time with her.

 _Maybe if I wish hard enough, he'll walk through this door._

She's reprimanding herself for having such thoughts and clinging to false hopes, when the door opens and he does walk through it.

"I'm sorry I've been missing," he says hurriedly as he sits in front of her at the dinner table, "The ministers wouldn't let me go until we finished an important treaty."

She takes a moment to register his presence. Then another moment to register his words. Then another one just to comprehend the entire situation as a whole, to grasp why he's sitting in front of her as if that was the most ordinary thing in the world right now.

"You haven't avoided me?" She assumes that's what he means when he apologizes for his absence in the past few days. He's been busy, and that reason is so commonplace right now that she thinks he might have forgotten their last conversation.

"Why would I do that?" He sounds a little bit hurt as he furrows his brow.

 _Because I'm a horrible person who keeps hurting you._

She shakes her head and pinches herself a little bit to make sure that this is real, this is happening, and she did not go through another time travel back to the days she longed so much.

However, she continues confused and shocked, not yet used to the view of him sitting peacefully with her after such a long period of distance and conflicts.

"Why are you here?" It's all she can think to say, and that seems to amuse him, based on the way his face lights up.

"Is it okay if I join you for dinner?"

Yes, he's definitely amused. That does not seem to put her at ease though.

"I thought you were busy."

"I am," he shrugs slowly and she wonders when was the last time she saw him so relaxed, "but I still think I should do this."

His request sinks slowly into her mind, her senses still wearing the surprise off. She's a little unbalanced, and when she finally assimilates all the things that happened in less than two minutes she starts panicking.

 _No, not right now. Not yet. Not when I'm still so full of negativity. Not when just a small talk can escalate to another fight. I can't face him while I'm like this. I'm not ready, I'm not ready, I'm not ready._

"Pyeha, you don't have to." He opens his mouth ready to protest, but she's quick to stop him, "No, please. It's not wise."

"It is not wise. But it is what I want to do." His eyes twinkle a little and her conviction fades away a little.

"Pyeha…"

"You can either allow me to join you, or I can order you to do so." He says in a definitive tone, but that does not stop her from coming up with other excuses to be left alone for the present.

"I don't have a spare set of dishes..."

At this moment the doors of her bedroom open once again and a court lady walks in with a tray on her hands.

"Pyeha," she says as she bows, "The set of dishes you asked for."

"Right." He smiles and tells her to come closer.

The woman moves quickly and silently, but Hae Soo just keeps staring him all the while she places the utensils carefully on her table, and then gathers her tray and leaves.

"You look troubled." He breaks her stupor, his plate and flatware still untouched beside his hands, "Did someone come to tell you something?"

"What?" His question surprises her once again.

"Was it the queen? One of the ministers? You can tell me."

He sounds urgent and genuinely worried. She cannot, however, for the sake of her own life, bring herself to tell him.

"No, that's not it," she mumbles while fumbling with her hands.

"Then what is bothering you?"

His voice is sweet and caring and it overwhelms her with attention and support. But she can't handle it, she can't feel comfortable having this kind of conversation with him.

 _I don't want you to see this weak side of me, who keeps wanting to give up on us._

"Why are you doing this?" she sighs and blinks hard to hold back the tears that are threatening to fall.

He looks down at her hands, that are shaking and fidgety and leaving her uncertainties and worries evident to the whole world.

"I told you I would not let you fight alone. I gave you time for yourself, but since we came to the conclusion that this kind of method is not working, I decided to come up with a new one."

"You can't do this," she mumbles weakly, even though she puts a reproving tone in her words.

"I'm king," he raises an eyebrow and smiles amused once again, "That should mean I can do whatever I want, correct?"

"Pyeha…"

He moves around the table and gets close enough to her to squeeze her hand and then letting it go before things got awkward for her once again.

"We used to talk all time back then, didn't we?" His gaze is lost in the memories of the past, "Sometimes we'd talk through the whole night, and we only realized it when the sky started to clear."

"Pyeha…"

She feels her conviction and resistance begin to fade with his words

"I really enjoyed all of those talks, Soo-yah. And I miss them. I'm sorry for stopping them and shutting you out. I don't want us to be strangers, I don't want us to fight our ghosts alone, pretending that we're strong to resolve all of this on our own. I want us to trust each other, like we did in the past." he turns his eyes to her then, and they seem to drink her in, "Let's talk about things again, important things, trivial things, things that bother you, things that make you smile, things that you wish you could tell me, but you're afraid of how I'll react. Open yourself up to me, and I'll open up for you."

She can't say a thing, just stare him in a mist of shock and wonder, so he presses on.

"Besides, we do need some ally while living in a place like this, am I right?"

She looks down. Not because she's afraid, or angry, or sad. Actually, she's so happy and filled with hope - so much more than when she decided to stay at the palace - that she feels she's about to explode from it. She's so happy that she needs a moment to get used to happiness once again.

"So now I'm also your ally?" This time she's the one amused, her eyes locking firmly into his.

His smile is the biggest then, and it eases some of the pain she's been through.

"You're my biggest ally, Soo-yah. You have been since the beginning."

.

.

\- - -『◆』- - -

.

.

He tries his best to come visit her, but their meetings aren't as frequent as she hoped for.

His absence, however, doesn't hurt her as much as it used to.

When the queen's last words to her start to weigh her down, all she has to do is play their dinner in her mind, how he smiled at her after asking her to share her burdens to him, and she can find some sort of comfort in that place.

(It's not dead. If you add fuel, the fire is not over.)

She starts a new prayer tower, this one for herself, and hopes it's not too late for her to go back to her previous self, instead of this new Hae Soo, who distrusts everyone, who shuts everyone out.

She also builds another one for him, hoping she didn't hurt him to the point of severing permanently their bond, even though he's the one reaching out for her this time.

The ties around them are yet too thin, and she uses all her resources to strengthen them. To start the foundations so they can rebuild their relationship, the right way.

This time they are under the shadows of an old tree, she's sitting on one of the huge roots, and he's crouched down in front of her. Her knees had started hurting a while ago, but she didn't want to go back yet. So they remain resting for a while under the shadow in the pleasant weather.

"Are you sure you're alright?" he's not happy with her decision, and would much rather carry her back to her room where they could spend the rest of their day free day, "It's a little windy today, you might get worse."

Her sickness is just a temporary one to his eyes, as she had had no courage to tell him yet everything about her condition. One more thing to feel guilty about.

"I'm fine, Pyeha." She forces her smile to look peaceful and her voice to be calm. But he's too close and too attentive, and it's not easy to deceive him.

"Stop saying you're fine," he reprimands her, "Allow yourself to not be good from time to time."

She sighs and looks away. He's right, she's not well. And it's not only her frail heart that worries her.

"I'm not fine, Pyeha," she resigns, "But the wind does not harm me."

He has asked her to share her burdens with him, but up until now she's been quiet, relying more on his presence by her side than on his support and promise to help her to solve her problems. And he can't hide that her silence bothers him.

"Had it been before, would you tell me?" his voice is small and a bit sad.

"Had it been before, we wouldn't be this distant." she smiles, but they both know that this one is a mournful one.

"I'm deeply sorry." his proud head falls, but she's quick to touch his shoulder and reassure him.

"It's not your fault. Really," she tightens her hold for a second, trying her best to convey her feelings to him, "I'm truly grateful for what you've been doing for me."

"But do you think you'll ever trust me again?"

"I trust you." At his expression of disbelief, she puts more conviction in her words, hoping that there are no longer misunderstandings between them, "I'm serious, I trust you. With my life. You're also my biggest ally. I actually don't trust myself."

"You think this is a mistake."

"No, I don't."

"Then tell me." He looks at her, eyes full of urgency and hurt, as his plea falls from his mouth.

"It's hard." she brings her hand back to herself, fidgeting her fingers once more.

"Why so?"

"All this mess shouldn't be out. It's like... I'm too messed up! You shouldn't see me like this! I'm so lost in this that I'm afraid you'll run away if you find out too much… I…" she fights to come up with better words, to clarify the way she feels inside, the fear and despair she's constantly facing, but fails, "I don't expect you to understand..."

"I do."

"You do?" she looks at him and see that his eyes are soft.

"That's what falling in love with you felt like."

She thinks of that she made him go through the years, and despite feeling relieved for him being able to understand her mess of words, she also feels guilty for being so difficult in the beginning.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't. If anything, I should be the one apologizing." At her confusion he sighs before elaborating, "I'm sorry for Chae Rung."

"I know." She looks away from him, and he looks away from her. She would wish for them not to talk about such matters, afraid that it would push him away, but he was irreducible about talking this over.

"I wish there was another way."

"Me too."

"Do you still blame me?"

"No, I don't," she speaks truthfully, "I couldn't have. It's not your fault that she decided to do what she did."

"But?"

"But I wish you hadn't done what you did."

He takes a deep breath, and straightens his posture, bracing himself for the conversation that was about to happen. She just looks at him, waiting for the words he's been thinking, but that never really came out of his mouth.

"Chae Rung was a traitor."

"She was my little sister," she shakes her head vigorously, tears already pooling in her eyes, "She didn't deserve to die like that."

"What about me?"

"You didn't deserve to be tied to a seat like that." she blinks hard and hopes that the tears would just go away, "It's because of it, isn't it? The throne. I know you, and you're not like this."

"I'm a fair person, and I believe the guilty ones should be punished." his eyes are ruthless, and she fears he's going to raise his voice before he melts down once again, "Soo-yah, she was a criminal."

"She was my friend! And we could have saved her! Baek Ah told me you were suspicious of her, that it was because of it that you were trying to send her away." Her tears fall then, and she no longer tries to keep them inside. "Why didn't you tell me? Why did it have to be so cruel? Was it really necessary to be in front of the rest of the court ladies?"

"It was. It is the law." His definitive tone only stirs a hidden anger that's been subsided ever since she first faced the social system of Goryo.

"The law was supposed to protect the people."

"Innocent people." He cuts her emotional argument with an anger of his own, "Chae Rung killed my brother, prevented Eun-ah and his wife from escaping, how can you defend her?"

"Because of the ninth prince. He manipulated her, and you know that. He didn't even bat an eye after she passed away, and her death is his fault, Hyejong's poisoning is his fault, the ambush on the tenth prince is his fault, but he's still walking around freely and acting like nothing bad will come to him." She remembers his indifference after she confronted him, and her anger boils enough to stop her crying, "Why the law does not apply to him? Because he's a royal?"

"Yes."

"So you'll do nothing..."

"That's not what I said."

She was about to raise her voice, to start another pointless argument. His sudden statement, uttered in such a decisive and resolute voice.

"What?"

"He's not the only one. Won manipulated Chae Rung, but there was someone above him giving orders." His eyes turn colder, and she sees how much he also dislikes the machinations of his brother, "I know who he is, but I need proof to convict him. And if I do something to Won now, he'll manage to escape."

Had it been any other day, she would have feared his look. Had it been any other day, she would have wondered if he was changing and turning into the bloody tyrant she always feared.

Her main goal after her vision on the rain ritual was to avoid him from ever punishing his brothers. But after all that has happened, she can understand his motives to convict his father's son.

"So you promise all the guilty ones will be punished?" She breathes. The anger and the tears gone.

"Yes. Will that make you feel better?"

"I don't know. But knowing that I did not lose you, and I can still reach you, makes me feel less distant from you."

"Are you still mad at me?"

"I wasn't mad."

"Am I still a source of sorrow to you?" He rephrases his question, "Can you see me with better eyes now?"

"Are you still mad at me for grieving for her?" he furrows his brow as if he found the question odd, "You keep asking me not to defend her."

"Right. And I still mean it." His expression softens, and his voice gets a lot more gentle, "You may still love her and miss her, but please, don't try to pardon her sins. Chae Rung wouldn't have wanted that. I know because I wouldn't want you to pardon mines."

"Pyeha…"

"I, as Chae Rung, have made terrible mistakes in my past. I did those things, but your love won't wash me clear."

"I told you…"

"And no matter how many times you say that you don't really care about my past, I still have to bear the consequences of my mistakes."

"You had no other option to act."

"Neither of us did."

She sighs resigned and nods quietly, his words make her grief less rigorous, untangling the big knot that had been blocking her throat.

"When did you become wise in this matter?" She can help but smile in wonder, and he smiles back.

"Ever since someone told me that the higher you are, the more responsibility you have."

"That's easy to say…"

"Yes. And I should know that better than you."

They sit in silence for a while and his smile fades before he speaks again.

"I'm sorry for how things went. You're right, it was cruel, but that's how this world has always been."

She looks down at her tangled hands resting on her lap, remembering what Oh Sanggung had told her about a person like that living in the palace. She then realizes that whenever she went in the entire country, she would face things like that. Whenever she went, her heart would find it too much to handle.

"How did people even manage to live in a time like this?" she says to herself, not noticing she had started to speak out loud.

"What?"

"No, nothing…" She looks up and tries to come up with a different topic, and then remembers the other issue that they should solve, "I guess I should apologize as well. For your mother."

"You don't need to feel sorry for her at all…."

"I didn't understand you," she explains before further apologizing "I'm sorry, but I couldn't. I still can't. I'm sorry."

The effect on him is almost instantaneous. In the space of one second his posture goes from relaxed to stiff, and his expression goes back to cold eyes and thin lips pressed tight together.

"Could you understand Jung?" His voice barely comes out of his chest, and the hurt in his eyes almost makes her regret bringing up the subject.

"Yes. But it's not like that," she says as steadily as she can, not dropping the matter until it is settled, "It's not that I didn't want to, I did. I still do. I've been trying, but I can't."

"Is that why you chose Jung's side?"

"There were no sides. He's your brother and he just wanted to see his mother."

He chuckles bitterly.

"Unfortunately for him, his mother was also mine," he tries to keep the good mood, but the feeling of betrayal that came to him in the night his mother died still claws on his heart, "I told you already. I was denied her my entire life and just wanted to be by her side before she passed away. You really can't understand it?"

"No, I can't."

He nods to himself silently, looking away from her, before standing up abruptly and turning his back to her.

"Let's go inside. It's getting colder."

She holds his hand before he starts to move, desperate to not let him go away and fortify the wall between them.

"One of my prayer tower is for my mother." she says with her most gentle voice, never letting go of him, "She was my best friend and my protection. You know that, right? Before, I always knew that if the whole world turned its back on me, she would be by my side. If my most trusted friend broke my heart into a thousand pieces, she would be there to pick them up and make it whole again. If I ever went too far and became a monster in the eyes of everyone, she would still love me. She was all of this to me," her tears fall down again, this time for the mother she hasn't cried for in a long time, "So when I lost her, I could only feel alone and defenseless in the world. And I couldn't even say goodbye. She was everything to me, and I didn't get the chance to say goodbye. When I heard of you and your mother relationship, I couldn't understand it. I still can't. I still can't understand why a mother wouldn't love her own child in any way less than unconditionally. After I lost eomonim the only thing that allowed me to move on was the memory of her. I can't understand what is like living without it. I can't understand everything about the way you've been living. I can understand being rejected, and betrayed, like you're the worst person in the world, and the pressure to be something you're not. I can understand the despair of just wanting to live, and I can understand the helplessness of doing something that you regret, or not being able to do anything at all. But living without the love of my mother and having to do what you did, I'm sorry, but I really can't understand." She feels miserable and lost at the same time, just by remembering the lonely boy he used to be, "Do you blame me for this?"

"Is that why you called for Jung?" He asks with his back still turned to her, "So he could say goodbye?"

"Yes. I also didn't want him to have any more grudges with you." She feels his resistance fade somewhat and decides to push a little further, "Will you tell me everything? About your mother?"

"Maybe another day."

She tightens her hold, desperately trying to pull his impassive form closer to her.

"You were the one who said we should talk about things."

"And you were the one who kindly reminded me that there were things we would not be comfortable to discuss."

"Pyeha…"

He turns to her then, and she sees that, despite looking tired and drained, he's not angry nor mad, and absolutely not about to push her away.

"Another day, I promise." At his reassurance she releases his hand, and he crouches down before her once again, "And it's not that I don't want to tell you, I'm just not ready to relive all of it right now. So, can you wait a little bit more?"

"Yes," she says eagerly, allowing relief to wash over her body, "Oh, and I'm sorry for calling Jung behind your back that day. I should have come to you and try harder to talk."

"In your defense, I wasn't being too rational back then."

"But it still wasn't very nice." she refuses to let him refuse her apology, "It pretty much shook up everything between us. Whatever was left, anyway."

"Yes, it actually did."

"Then, do you hate me any less now?"

He raises his eyebrows in astonishment, his eyes a little skeptical.

"You really think that anything in this world can make me hate you to begin with?"

"So you forgive me?"

"I've forgiven you long ago, Soo-yah."

She feels another knot untangling of her heart, and she wonders if they would have to have more conversations like this until all of them were gone.

"It's hard to open up." She doesn't fear to admit that out loud, "Was it like this to you?"

"Yes."

He stands up again and helps her to get onto her feet, their time of freedom coming to an end.

"How did you manage to overcome this? To become strong enough to live in the palace without breaking apart and still being good on the inside?"

"You clearly never had to deal with yourself."

He smiles, amused once again.

"What are you implying, Pyeha?" she narrows her eyes at him.

"I didn't open up for you," he says as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "You broke down the doors and barged in."

Never mind that his words would have made her pout and hit him before. Right now, they bring a huge grin to her lips.

"And I would have done all of it again."

* * *

 **A\N: I spend more time studying grammar rules and looking for translations to Portuguese expressions than actually writing. And yet, I still fear that my fics are full of mistakes. If you find them, tell me.**

 **Next chapter will be edited and posted when I get back home from college!**

 **...**

 **sandufus**

 ** _Yes, this is me, fluffy flirts in a moment, heartbreaking fights in the next one. Did I mention that I'm a dark and terrible person? Just feel glad that I haven't killed anyone yet! And while, er... physical intimacy is needed (YES IT IS!), it might take some time till they get there. And hey, this time they had a better ending, right?_**

 **...**

 **Daoine**

 ** _Slowly getting to heal their relationship. Yes, Hae Soo has always had a lot on her plate, and the death sentence was a major on everything that came afterwards. Perhaps that's the reason why she told him to marry Yeon Hwa. Hopefully their conversations will bring them back to better terms and she won't be forced to make any other sacrifices... Don't make her pregnant, you say?_**

 **...**

 **Vero Diaz**

 ** _This is the result of many sleepless nights, and a broken heart after too many Scarlet Heart: Ryeo feelings._**

 **...**

 **myrka1296g**

 ** _Sorry for taking too long, but I hope that the chapter is enough to make up for being late. SoSoo's life is still kind of sad, but they're getting better little by little, so maybe your heart won't break as much as in the past chapter. And yes, there is still something missing from SHR: a second season! A glimpse would make me happy. but I'm still grieving the loss of so much potential for a sequel._**

 **...**

 **Guest (on chapter 1)**

 ** _Hae Soo is the one who takes the hardest. Not because she goes through more than everybody else, but because that life is not hers. She lived 25 years in the peaceful Seoul, and then is thrown to the ruthless 10th century. Their cruel lifestyle is common for people of that era, but for Hae Soo everything is a shock. And is not like she ever stopped loving So, it was just hard for her to be by his side. However, their lack of conversation just increases the distance between them, and when she found herself pregnant and about to die from stress, she has no other choice._**

 ** _Their fall down wasn't anyone's fault, it was just the inevitable ending to a tragedy they never asked to be a part of._**

 **...**

 **Rito Dey**

 ** _Don't worry, they're on the way. :)_**


	4. tonight we'll feel normal again

**A\N: I lost my Internet connection last night, so this update came a little late. But never fret, it is ready and it is here. Yay! My first double update! Kind of... Also, I'm involved in some big projects at college, so if I take too long to update, you already know why.**

 **Enjoy your reading**! :)

* * *

Hae Soo has had enough.

She didn't say anything against it when he suddenly came to her bedroom in the middle of what she knew to be a very busy day and yanked her away holding tightly to her hand. She continued quiet when he walked in his fast pace, dragging her behind him like he tended to do whenever he felt impatient with something. She remained silent, waiting for an explanation as they almost ran through the garden to the lake, and he asked her to step into his boat. But now she has had enough.

"Any reason why we're here?" she watches him getting into the boat as well and untying it from a tree while still standing up.

"Yah, sit down before you fall in the water." He walks to the seat behind her and gets the rows on his hands. "Then I'll be forced to jump in after you, and the water is not particularly warm."

"Not until you tell me why we're here." she crosses her arms and would have put her feet down on the floor, had it been a more stable one.

"I'll tell you in a second, now sit."

At her refusal to move he sighs restless. She feels for a second that she's winning and about to get an answer, but then the boat rocks suddenly, making her gasp in surprise and almost actually falling in the water before catching her balance back.

She turns to him and stares angrily at his most fake innocent smile, and then she reluctantly takes the seat in front of him.

Satisfied with her position, he then pushes the boat away from the margin and starts rowing slowly. His smile fades after a few seconds and his eyes drift to the lake around them, not really focusing on anything, and she resigns to watch him in silence. He feels so concentrated for a moment that she remembers how he never does anything for no reason. She just needs to wait a while to understand what brought him out today, what made him ignore his responsibilities. She'll soon know his pretty good motives.

"This is wrong!" She basically shouts when he tells her his motives, which are not pretty good at all, and looks back to the land, that seems to be too far away now, even if she dared to swim.

"Are you telling the king that he's wrong?" His voice has an intimidating tone, but he's actually amused. She knows he's amused. He just successfully tricked her, and she has no way out of this situation.

"You're ditching work!"

"So?" Her reprimand does not seem to affect him, as he keeps on rowing.

Had they been anywhere else she would have made him go back to the throne room. She would have pushed and pulled, and if he still didn't budge, she would find some way to trick him into going back to his duties. But now, locked in the middle of the lake, having no possible ways to convince him to row back to land, they both know he's the one who decides when he's returning.

She never thought he would actually run away from the ministries, the advisors and all the royal duties he was supposed to be attending to, and go to the only place he could not be followed and interrupted.

"The ministers will not be happy with this…"

"Do I look like I care?" His amused smile is back.

"Pyeha!"

"Relax, Soo-yah."

She sighs out of frustration, trying to keep calm and collected.

"You don't have to do this for me," she says with a sweet voice.

"Conceited, aren't we?" He all but laughs, "I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it for myself. I'm suffocating on that palace, so I wanted to breathe for a while."

"Then why am I here?" His small mockery had washed off any calm or serenity she still had.

"To complement the view."

She would have turned around had the boat not been shaking so much.

"Yah," he whines humorously, "Why is it that when you make me go out of the palace to visit the market is alright, but if I take you to a peaceful ride of boat in the lake you act like it's the end of the world?"

"We had different reasons." she refuses to look at him.

"You wanted to go out. I wanted to go out. You wanted to take me out. I wanted to take you out. They seem pretty similar to me."

She cannot retort his argument, but she can come up with a new one.

"Pyeha…"

"Enjoy the ride, Soo-yah." He interrupts her before she can even start to formulate her line, "Who knows when we'll be able to come back here again…"

He looks softly at her, and she can't stay mad when he stares at her that way. Besides, his plea for her to relax does make sense, and soon she finds herself enjoying her time with him, even though she still thought he should row a little faster.

"I thought you didn't take this boat out." She finds herself saying after a while.

"I haven't taken it out in years, if you remember."

"I remember."

"Good." He looks straight into her eyes, "Then I'm not the only one."

She looks back at him, having all the time to appreciate his face.

"You look happy." She finds it easy to say, and he shrugs.

"We haven't had a fight in like, what? Four weeks? Five?"

"Three and a half."

"A brief discussion over the name of a constellation doesn't count."

"Its name _is_ Orion."

"Whatever you say."

"Right."

"But we're here. Together. And you're laughing."

That's when she realizes that she is indeed laughing, the action coming naturally for her, and the sound not sounding strange at all to her ears. That is also when she realizes how much she missed to laugh.

"I haven't done that in a while, have I?" While the remark does carry some sadness, she can't make herself stop smiling.

"I'm sorry for that." His smile doesn't fade either, "Your well being should me my priority."

"Not when you're king."

"As you are one of my people, yes, it is."

"But as I'm the one who keeps you warm at night, no, it isn't."

He stops rowing. Her words were said in a playful manner, but after all that has been happening, he feels obliged to these small reassurances.

"You know you're more than that, right?" He pulls the rows inside the boat, letting them drift around for a while.

"I do." She smiles a little more in confirmation, "But you're the one who decided you wanted to make Goryeo a better place."

"A better place for you."

"It's not just me, we both know it." She moves a little closer to him and lets her heart out for him to see that there's no hurt in there, "Don't worry, that doesn't bother me."

"Well, that's a relief." He exclaims and sighs in a theatrical manner, and she can't help but laugh again.

"Have you ever thought of the massive headaches you'd feel otherwise? I wouldn't leave you at peace for a second."

"But you don't." He furrows his brow in dissimulated confusion, and she kicks his shin.

"Take that back before I decide to swim all the way to the land."

"You wouldn't swim faster than me."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm king."

"Yah!" She kicks him again, "Stop using that argument against me!"

"Why would I do it? It's a pretty good one."

She's about to kick him again and jump into the water just to make him go after her, when something else comes to her mind.

"Do you like it? Being king?"

He looks up to the sky in contemplation, thinking carefully about his position, before saying.

"It was way more appealing before." He recalls how he wished to become king and change his reality for the better, "Now it's just a nuisance."

"Remember, you have the power to change the entire nation." She can't restrain herself from jumping to the opportunity to give him a lecture, "To be someone with so much power, it was evident that the Heavens would take something from you in return."

"That's why you always hated that seat..."

"Kind of. Don't you hate it as well?"

"I don't think I've ever liked any other position I had. An adopted child. A wolf-dog. Even as a prince I was forced to let go of things that I wanted."

There's a moment of silence between them, in which she assimilates his words. She never got to truly understand the burdens of nobility, having always either being protected by her unnie or living as a court lady. However, as her scar still proved, she had her share of hardships just for bearing the Hae name. She could only wonder what kind of difficulties he's been through, just for being the son of a king and bearing a scar.

"Last time we were here you were about to get married." She reminiscences better days, while also recalling one of his sacrifices.

"Yes."

She stays quiet for a while, wondering if she should continue on the topic, and finally deciding that there is no harm in asking.

"Will she ever be brought back to court?"

"If she wishes to."

His immediate and so alike him answer shouldn't surprise her, but it does.

"Wouldn't that annoy the queen?"

"Probably. But I'm not eager to please her…" He shrugs before crossing his arms above his knees, "You also annoy the queen."

"Yes, but I've annoyed her for a while now. Even before I became a threat to her." The memory of her first encounter with Yeon Hwa still makes her want to jump at the woman.

"That wouldn't surprise me."

She should let go of the topic now, but her curiosity always seems to take the best of her.

"Was she always like this?" The question blurts out of her mind before Hae Soo can even think about asking it.

"Why do you ask me?"

"Well, you are her brother. You've known her for a while, haven't you?"

"I've known a lot of people."

"Of course you have. But I'm asking you about her."

He straightens his posture, hands going to the rows and eyes turned away from her.

"I really don't want to talk about her."

"You're evading!" Soo wants to kick him again, but any wish to abandon the ship before she gets her answers is long forgotten, "That means you must be guilty of something!"

"Please let's not fight." He pleads, still holding on to the rows, but not yet moving them to the water.

"We're not fighting. Yet. Now answer my question!"

He sighs, choosing his words carefully.

"She used to be simpler. More gentle. She was the only one who got close enough to me willingly. And despite being affected by my mask, she wouldn't treat me like a dog or a cold relative."

"So you felt attracted to her?"

"I don't want to talk about this."

"You did!" She starts to stand up, this time decided to storm away to her room "I can't believe this…"

He interrupts her, holding her by her shoulder and pushing her down in her seat, his eyes begging her to listen.

"She was the closest thing I had to a friend in a long time. Until her family was banished and she grew up into what she is today." He takes his hands back, lacing his fingers together, eyes lost in the past, "Maybe losing her life brought out the worst in her."

"You lost everything too. I don't see you looking down on people around you like she does."

He's brought back to the present and to the reality where Yeon Hwa and her brother are the sources of all his current problems, and any compassion he might have found in him is completely lost.

"Then maybe she always had this arrogance inside of her." He sighs deeply, not really wanting to spend his free time with Hae Soo discussing his unwanted wife, "I don't really know, I'm telling you, it's not like we were the closest siblings in the world."

"But you stayed in her house before coming to the palace."

"The Hwangbo would do anything to please my father and annoy my mother at the same time." He scoffs, and at her look of confusion he comes to a new realization, "What? You got fooled by Wook's nice facade?"

"A little, yes." she fidgets a little, eyes nervously changing focus, so he decides to close the matter in a definitive way.

"Well, to put it in a few words, my memories of Yeon Hwa as a child were of a nice girl. My memories of her as a teenager are of a vain and frivolous sister. My image of her just get worse and worser, and the only reason I haven't killed her yet is because she's my father's daughter."

He realizes he might have gone too far when she gasps in horror.

"You'd kill your wife?"

"That's not a wife. That's a snake. If I'm not careful, she'll bite me and kill me."

"But still! You shouldn't kill her!"

"Relax. I'm just venting out a little."

She notices the playfulness in his words. Not that he doesn't actually loathe Daemok, but he wouldn't go to such extremes just to satisfy his personal wishes.

His words, however playful, do not put the matter down.

"But do you think that, if it weren't for me, you'd end up loving her?"

He rolls his eyes and sighs in frustration.

"Why is it that you keep asking about a woman that I just told you had never feelings for, but I can't even get a clue about the man you almost married to?"

As he gets closer to a topic she does not wish to uncover just now, she drops the subject altogether.

"You're right, I'll shut up now."

He pulls the rows back in the and turns his attention back to the lake, not really going anywhere, just keeping a distance between them and the world outside.

She looks quietly at him, but the possibility of her king falling in love with another woman doesn't help to settle her insecurities.

"But just to be sure…"

"It was always only you, Soo-yah." He cuts her with a soft smile, "Only you."

She smiles and watches the sun going down on the quiet waters of the lake.

.

.

\- - -『◆』- - -

.

.

"Let's go back," she says when there's only the twilight and the orange blurs in the sky, "I'm cold."

He's resting his arms from all the rowing he's been doing, and not yet ready to put an end to this moment. Not when he doesn't know when another chance like this will come up.

Then he reaches out for something just behind him, and throws a blanket at her, that she didn't even notice that was in the boat to begin with.

"Cover yourself, then."

She rolls the blanket over her shoulders, but really wishing she could snug up to his chest to warm herself.

"What about you?"

"I'm fine. I've missed the open air a lot."

"Really?"

"I used to sleep in the open whenever I went hunting. I truly am fine."

She laughs a bit with a picture of him taking a nap in the middle of the flowers while dressed in his dark and royal robes dancing around her mind.

"It's a relief you let go of this habit. Who knows when you would have scared a court lady to death by emerging from the grass."

"There are worse things than that. Maybe a court lady would drown me while trying to water the plants."

Her playfulness is soon replaced with indignation.

"That happened one time." She wishes he were closer, just so she could push him into the water.

"One time was more than enough." She doesn't know how he's able to maintain a serious face while shamelessly teasing her, but it only angers her more.

"Well, it's not my fault! You weren't exactly visible!"

"No, I think you were trying to get some sort of revenge…"

"For what? You dropping me off your horse?" She feels satisfied when the smug glint in his eyes is gone.

"You sure know how to keep a grudge… I also saved your life that day, remember?"

"You were the one who put it in danger in the first place!"

"I was just passing by! You were the one who wasn't paying attention."

"You still didn't have to push me off your horse like a sack of potatoes!" She shouts, still affronted with the way she was treated, "You could have waited for me to climb down myself."

"You were staring at me for too long, it was getting a little weird…"

"I was in shock!"

"Nah, I think you were just too dazzled by my beautiful face…"

"I'm about to push your beautiful face from this boat."

"And we're back to violence…"

"Well, you sure deserve it!" She kicks him again, just to show that she still could do it, "And I'm not afraid of the penalty of hitting a king, if that's what you're about to say!"

He laughs and she forgets why so worked up for.

"I sure missed this side of you, Hae Soo…"

Never mind, she's been reminded…

"What? Am I funny now?"

"You used to shout your beliefs to the whole Goryeo." He's smiling, but his tone is serious and it puts her violent impulses at bay, "You'd scream of justice and how the nobles shouldn't be arrogant just because of their power, and you weren't afraid to beat a prince for crossing the line. You used to voice your opinion… In a world of fake pleasantries and compliments that was a relief."

"Well… That was before I started to fear that my words would cause someone's death." She's quickly reminded of Oh Sanggung, and decides to switch the topic of the conversation to him, "And you also were less contained, Pyeha. You didn't really care what people would think of you, isn't that so?"

"Well… That was before I started to care for someone else other than me…"

Another worry of hers pops up suddenly in her head, but this time she's not afraid to talk to him about it.

"Do you think I changed you?"

"What?"

"Oh Sanggung told me once that people don't change, but I think she was wrong. Everyone changes. I just wonder if I was able to do it at least once."

 _Then I would know I would be able to do it again, if necessary._

"Maybe some people change and other people don't. Maybe they don't and just seem like they did," he says after a small contemplation, "But you're not wondering about my past self, are you?"

She's not surprised by how quick he seems to understand her inner storms.

"No…"

"Do you want to talk about it now?"

She's about to deny, but then the chance of sharing one of her biggest secrets, and the prospect of the relief it might bring her, waves her decision down.

 _If it's him, it should be alright, right?_

 _But what if it changes everything?_

At last, she decides to tell him what she feels, even if she doesn't tell what made her feel that way.

"Just promise you won't get mad."

"I won't. Promise."

"It's just… I don't know… Maybe it was all this distance that came between us after your wedding, but I just… Sometimes I feel like I don't know you anymore."

"I'm sorry for that."

"No, I'm not angry! I'm just… afraid?"

"Afraid that I might hurt you?"

"No! It's not that… Afraid that you'll hurt someone else…" She tries her best to put her insecurities into words that won't sound too accusatory, but eventually gives up, "I mean, you had been just crowned and was already sending people to their deaths!"

"Bad people."

"Must you be so merciless and cold?"

She stares at him and he stares back at her, both of them silent for a moment before he speaks.

"You're too kind hearted for this world, Soo-yah…" This time the softness in his voice annoys her.

"Don't patronize me…"

"I'm not. I mean it." He drops the smile and the gentle tone, but his words are still kind, "You get outraged even with the beating of servants. You despise slavery. You don't care about nobility. You truly have a too gentle heart, that is always open for everyone. This world is too dirty and cruel for a person like you… You were born in the wrong life."

"Maybe I did." she sighs at the irony of his words, "But what would be of you if I didn't come to this life?"

"Isn't it great that we don't have to guess?"

"What if I had left you?" She can't stop guessing, "Would it change anything on you?"

"Where do you want to get at, Soo-yah?"

She pauses and breaths, then she speaks slowly and carefully.

"A while ago… I had a vision."

"A vision?" he raises an eyebrow and she immediately regrets telling him about it.

"Forget it. You don't believe in this stuff anyway."

"I don't. But I believe you. What did you see?"

"I saw you as a king. You were dressed just as you are now. But you looked colder. And crueler. Just by looking at you made me feel fear and dread. It was like you were an entire different person…" She feels at loss for words once again and just hopes he's able to understand her, "Do you think I'm being ridiculous?"

"Not at all. In fact, I wish you would have told me this sooner, so I could ease your mind." he replays her words once again in his head, comprehending why she's been afraid to tell him about it, and having to live with it for who knows how long, "Is that why you were so opposed to me becoming king? Was that why you stayed?"

"I stayed because of you. "But I did oppose to you rising to the throne because I feared you'd become some bloody tyrant."

"Then, let me reassure you right now: that's not happening."

"But my vision…"

"It was just a glimpse, no? Maybe it's out of context." At her skeptical face, he crosses his arms once more over his knees, "What? You're telling me that I don't look cold and cruel sometimes? You were even afraid of me in the beginning."

His words justify her vision, but not the knowledge of the future that she has. She cannot, however, tell him how he'll be remembered in a thousand years.

"You're right."

"Of course I am."

"But the throne is not a small burden. You said it so yourself, it…"

"While it does leave me in a lonely position, I'm used to it. I'm used to people keeping away."

"But what if it pushes you too far?"

"Then I'll trust you to hold me back."

"What if I'm not enough? What if you're too angered to pay attention to my words?"

"Then hit me. That should work just fine."

"I'm serious, Pyeha!"

"So am I! I'm telling you I won't change because of power, but if you ever fear that I'm going too far and I don't listen to you. If you ever feel distant and like you don't know me, just hit me. Straight in the face if that's necessary. Then I'll stop and talk and be rational."

"What if you don't?"

"Hit me harder. Feel free to knock me out."

She's not amused, his laugh does not put her at ease. So he reaches out for her hands to comfort her.

"Hey, I'm still me. I still haven't killed a person without a reason, haven't swung my sword carelessly."

"Still…" she mumbles miserably, "You used to be a better version of you."

"Then let's not be too far from each other again. You make me want to be a better version of me."

His words are true, and so is he. So she pushes her negativity down and focuses on the warmness of his calloused hands.

She still feels the distance, but this time she can breathe.

This time she lets him hold her hand.

.

.

\- - -『◆』- - -

.

.

The new sense of normalcy that settles between them feels a little odd at first.

She doesn't realize how much she got used to the cold distance, until it starts to disappear. When she puts his tea on the tray before it's taken to him, she no longer prays that she could reach his heart. When she walks around the gardens, she doesn't have to recall how things were between them.

Things are sure changing between them, but this time they're for the best. This time she knows she can lean on him whenever she feels like she's falling down.

Sharing a burden does make it feel lighter.

That's why she does not hold back anymore. He's already given everything to her, the good and the bad parts of him, so she lets him see the dark Hae Soo, and that way her shadows become less scarier at night.

Her life hurts less, and she feels relieved for finally being able to breathe easily.

She still takes care of his food and his bath, but one day she puts a small peony button hidden between his plate before the court lady takes to him. She didn't mean anything extraordinary by it, she just wanted to let him know she was always there for him. But when she sees him later at night, his smile is the greatest reward for her small gesture, and she finds herself wanting to make him smile like that again.

That's why, on that specific afternoon, she puts his peony hairpin on her hair, knowing that, for him, this sign won't be subtle at all, as the only other thing that could transmit her feelings properly would be if she jumped to his neck and kissed him vigorously.

Who knows? Maybe if she gets lucky, she would get to do both.

.

.

\- - -『◆』- - -

.

.

"You're especially clingy tonight. " She laughs as he nuzzles up to her neck, an arm wrapped tightly around her waist.

"I'm especially happy tonight." He holds her down, preventing her from moving too far from him, let alone sit on his bed.

"I can see that."

She finally manages to get free from his grab, and starts to make herself look presentable when he realizes that she's about to leave.

"Won't you stay tonight?"

"Probably not a good idea."

He grunts disappointed, "I thought we had given up on having good ideas."

"Only if they don't make sense."

"You sleeping somewhere else this night doesn't make sense. Then stay." He holds one of her hands, stopping her from realigning hair.

"We might end up fighting over the blanket in the middle of the night."

"If that's what you're avoiding, then I can give it all to you right now."

"Pyeha…" She says in a whiny voice.

"What?" He imitates her tone.

"People will talk."

"People already talk, that's all people do." So mumbles and pouts like a spoiled little boy, "They'll always find something to criticize me about, so you leaving me cold and alone won't change anything."

"But still…"

"Do you really want to go back to your room right now?"

 _No, I don't! I want to stay in here with forever! Just the two of us, ignoring the world outside, having to care only about each other._

"I shouldn't be selfish right now."

"Yes, you should. You have all the right to be selfish. Do something for yourself."

"Nice try…" She jumps as quickly as possible from his bed, but he still manages to keep holding her hand.

"Please… It's not like I always ask you to stay…"

"As a matter of fact, you do. Every single night I come. And when you come to my room you refuse to leave it."

"I could always order you to stay."

"Go ahead and see if that stops me."

She laughs and starts to prepare for a race, when his other holds her tightly, urgent need emanating from his touch.

"Soo-yah… Please… Stay. We've been far from each other for too long. I miss you."

She smiles sweetly, reassuring his poor heart.

"I'm right here, you silly. I'm not going anywhere."

"Still… We've been too distant for too long. For nights without ending I slept alone, wondering if I would ever have you back…" He looks at her with pitiful eyes, "If you leave me alone tonight it would feel like these past weeks were just a dream, and you're still hurting on your room."

She fights those eyes, she fights those words, and she fights that pout. However, she finds herself coming closer to him.

"If you just as much pull on this blanket, I'm walking out."

His face shines with his smile, and he quickly opens a space for her in his bed and covering her with a blanket.

His arms are around her shoulders and she rests her head on his chest, the silence of her room is replaced by his loud heartbeat and the tremble on his chest when he starts speaking.

"Now that we're here, I'm afraid it will all go down again."

"Who will really know…"

"I love you. I shouldn't hurt you then." He sighs as he lets his own insecurities take a hold of him, "I'm destroying even you."

"You're not. This place is."

"Then I should be able to let you go away." In the dark, with her safe in his arms, it's easy to voice his worst fears, "I shouldn't hurt you."

She leans on one elbow, hovering above him, and places a hand over his heart.

"You hurt me because I love you. Because there are things that I don't like that you must do. Things that wouldn't hurt so much if I hated you."

"That still doesn't make sense."

"It doesn't have to." she smiles down at him, "That's love."

"Are you willing to bet your well-being on that?"

"On our love? I'm willing to bet anything."

When he pulls her blanket, he's not looking for cover.

* * *

 **A\N: Yay! Peace at last! I was going to take a while to get them at their stabilized relationship, but as there wasn't anything else happening, I feared it would drag for too long and become quite boring... And I wanted to make them happy again!**

 **...**

 **sandufus**

 ** _The only reason they fell apart was because of all the misunderstandings between them and how poorly they dealt with those situations. So had to understand her actions, and Soo had to understand his. Maybe now that things are better between them they'll face happier times (I don't promise anyhting...)_**

 ** _Thank you for your kind words!_**

 **...**

 **Rito Dey  
**

 _ **Hopefully this chapter refreshed you some more, as their relatioship now has a much happier horizon!**_

 **...**

 **Guest**

 _ **Let's hate on Yeon Hwa together! SoSoo think she's stupid too! As for Seol, she's not on the picture yet, but anything could happen!  
**_

 **...**

 **Vero Diaz**

 _ **Probably. Eventually.**_

 _ **...**_

 **Daoine**

 _ **Don't worry, she's not pregnant yet. Lots of this to happen until then. And they're communicating! Yay!**_


	5. nothing goes off without a hitch

**A\N: 'Sup.**

* * *

"I hope you haven't been avoiding me lately."

Baek Ah cringes on the inside. That soft and melodic voice that calls him from behind, - along with the hopping manner in which its owner approached him - does not ease his fear of what the woman might be actually thinking. The subtle threat was also not missed by the 13th prince who now tries his best to pretend nothing is happening.

"Now, why would I do that?" He smiles and continues to stroll through the garden with her beside him, as if nothing is wrong.

"Oh, I don't know," she stops walking and crosses her arms, "Maybe because you know I'd try to stop you from leaving?"

He sighs and halts his walk as well, turning around to face her with a weary expression. This is a discussion he's been trying hard to avoid since he decided to leave the palace and Songak. His brother had opposed at first, but in the end knew better than to force him to stay. Hae Soo, however, was a whole different matter, and her stubbornness would make his departure a lot more difficult, if not nearly impossible.

After making sure there's no one around to eavesdrop on them, and bracing himself to all the arguments and blackmail and guilt traps she's planned, he looks straight at her.

"Well?"

She rolls her eyes and lets her arms fall back at her sides.

"You're wrong!" She almost shouts in anger, but he doesn't miss the sympathy in her voice, "I wasn't even going to try!"

"Oh, really?" His surprise is really genuine, and it seems to bother her, as she sighs and begins to explain herself.

"I understand what you're feeling." Her voice is small and her eyes softer than usual, "I too lost people I loved, but for you, things must be a lot more awful," she sounds a thousand years old, and Baek Ah can't help but wonder.

"How could you possibly know that?"

"Because I can put myself in your place. I can imagine what I would feel if lost him, and what I would do," she takes a deep breath before confiding sadly, "And because I almost left as well."

He blinks in surprise. After all that happened, he hadn't been caught up on what was happening in the palace, not even in the lives of his brother and best friend. He was aware that they weren't on good terms, but he would have never thought that it came to the point of Soo almost breaking things off between them. He certainly was a little out of the reasons that broke them apart and the ones that helped them to make amends.

"So... you don't want to leave anymore?"

"In some way, I do. But I don't want to leave him, and the latter wish is stronger."

Listening to her open and touching confession and comparing it to his selfish request for the king turn his stomach into knots, and he can't look at her anymore.

"I must be a terrible brother."

"Don't say that, Wangjanim. Don't be ashamed of your limits. You're going through a hard time, so you need some time off to get healed." Her words are so genuine and comforting, far from the pity and patronizing looks he's seen ever since Woo Hee's death, that it makes him feel a little better.

"Thank you, Soo-yah."

"That said," her smile drops and she suddenly slaps him hard on his shoulder, "Why didn't you tell me you were leaving? And why were you avoiding me?" Her second question is followed by a direct hit to his chest.

Baek Ah does not believe such a small being should be that strong nor should be filled with so much violence.

"I already told you I wasn't avoiding you!" He raises his arms, bracing himself for another attack.

"Then why your servants tell me you can't see me every time I go after you?"

"Maybe because I wasn't at my quarters and therefore really couldn't see you?!"

Apparently an obvious situation isn't obvious when Hae Soo's stubbornness was involved. But at least his quick defense makes her drop her fists.

"Oh. I'm sorry for the second hit, then…" she has the decency to look guilty and bow slightly in apology, but is quick to look angry once again, "But why didn't you tell me you were leaving? I had to find out through Pyeha!"

"I asked him not to tell you…"

"And he did a pretty good job for a while. But after noticing that something was off I couldn't let go until he told me."

"And how, may I ask, did you manage to tear the answer from him?" He remembers his practically begging and the king practically vowing not to say anything to anyone, including Hae Soo - especially Hae Soo.

The woman's frown quickly disappears at his question, a small smug smile taking its place. "I'll never tell."

He half laughs, half gasps in awe at her conceited demeanor.

"Yah, you're such a dangerous woman, having the king wrapped around our little finger like that like that…"

"You're still not answering my question."

He knows Soo's never going to drop the matter and sighs in frustration.

"I was going to tell you," he whines, "I was just waiting for the right time…"

"And when would that be?"

"Tonight. I left early this morning to buy something in the market," he points out in a hurry before her violent habits return, "It was supposed to be a surprise…"

"What is it?" Her anger fades away quickly, her eyes almost going wide with curiosity, and he smiles.

"You'll see."

.

.

\- - -『◆』- - -

.

.

 _We bonded over drinks, so we should have a drink when we part._

That's what he told her when he served her a cup of his favorite wine, expecting a nice and heartfelt farewell, filled with nostalgia as they solemnly recreated that first moment between them.

He did not, however, expect that she would end up recreating everything from that moment, including the five empty bottles and the fact that she's completely drunk.

"If I order you to stop drinking and go to sleep," he tries again, already worried about her state, "Will you listen to me?"

"Pffffff!" She laughs as she pours another cup, "Not a chance."

He sighs, already regretting his decision to ask her to join him in a drink, and wonders why this scenario didn't come up in his head when he bought that damn wine.

 _Why did I even buy so many bottles?_

"You sure became fearless after hyungnim rose to the throne…" he mumbles absent minded to her petulance.

"I was always fearless!" she shouts and slams the table, spilling alcohol everywhere, "When haven't I been fearless? I'm the fearlest of them all! I just became more cautious before beating princes up and speaking revolutionary ideals!"

"You're not about to do that now, are you?" he's ready to put a hand over mouth to stop her from being heard, in case she is.

"Hey, I might be drunk, but I'm in full control of myself." She demonstrates it by gracefully dropping the bottle on the floor, and then she giggles, "Well, maybe not full, but I can control what I say. And besides, I wouldn't follow your orders because you're my friend and I know you wouldn't punish me for that."

"Then, if I ask nicely…"

"Don't get between me and my drink!" she takes a possessive hold on her cup, "You're already leaving, so at least let me make it fun."

He starts to laugh at her expressions, but then her words seem to make his decision to weigh on him.

"I'm sorry for leaving." he speaks softly, mostly to his half filled cup than to her, but she catches his meaning and is ready to start lecturing him.

"I already told you not to apologize! Besides, I'll be better knowing you're out there, instead of in this poisonous place."

"Still, after tomorrow it will be only the two of you."

She blinks a few times, as if that scenario has just dawned on her.

"Yeah," she imitates him and stares her half empty cup, "That's pretty depressing…"

She takes the cup to her lips, quickly draining the wine, and then looks down at the empty bottles before them, a distant look in her eyes.

"Just a few years ago," he starts after a while of silence, "I'd walk around this place and find many familiar faces. Now I see only strangers."

"And ghosts."

"And ghosts."

She pours another drink, and this time he knows she drinks to forget, just like he did in the weeks following that tragedy. Then he chastises himself from bringing all the bad memories back, and for making the only cheerful one of them act broody.

Afraid to have spoiled her wish to have a good time, he tries changing the subject.

"He's still very much upset, isn't he?"

"Well, what did you expect?" Their conversation is still sad, but he can't help to notice the small glint in her eyes that shows up whenever she talks about him, "You're the only family he still has here… And even if you had already left the court, it still hurts."

"Our 8th and 9th brothers are still staying in Song Ak."

She clicks her tongue and raises her eyebrows in distaste. "I'm not even going to answer that…"

Her eyes are defiant once again, and he finds himself in the presence of the old feisty Hae Soo. Full of sunlight and laughter, compassion and innocent affections.

"Does he know? About Wook-hyungnim?"

Baek Ah thought the question would take her by surprise and leave her flustered. But instead, she sighs and sinks her head on her hands.

"Not yet," he can listen to the misery and frustration in her voice, "I've always wanted to tell him, but with everything that happened recently I just couldn't… It just wasn't the right time."

"Find the right time soon, then!" Only Hae Soo's relationship with his brother could make him worried like this, "I'm not the only one aware of your past feelings, so people might try to come between the both of you with it. You two have been through a lot, and deserve a chance of happiness!"

She raises her head, hands supporting her chin, and looks at him.

"So do you."

"Hey, we're talking about you now!" He's blushing a little, but manages to be serious and snatch her cup away from her reach during his lecture, "Be sure to be the one to tell him! And be honest! I'd hate to come back to the palace to see you two in another fight."

"This is really hard!" she lets her head fall over the table as she complains, and he sighs, mentally agreeing with his brother about the hardships of having a conversation with a stubborn Soo.

A stubborn and drunk Soo.

"Are you afraid he might leave you, or hate you or something?"

"I guess I just don't want to be related to the 8th prince anymore," she speaks weakly after a few seconds, her voice muffled from the wood, "And it's not like him knowing whom I had feelings for in the past will change anything. So why bother?"

"What are you saying now? Isn't he important to you? Isn't he a person you trust completely? If he had had feelings for a woman in the past, wouldn't you like to know?"

"Of course I wouldn't."

"Of course you would!" now is his turn to slam the table and force her to raise her head, "Don't try to get rid of this. You'll be good to my 4th brother and be completely open with him! You know I'm right!"

She's looking down to the table, a miserable face that looks almost comical, her cheeks flushed from the alcohol ingestion, and he holds back his laugh.

"Why did I have to be like that?" She's only talking to herself, but that does not stop him from jumping into her words to give her a lecture.

"I told you not to pursue such fruitless relationships! It was a very good advice, you just chose not to follow it," he lets her take her cup back and sips slowly on his own, "Good luck with telling the truth to Pyeha now."

He's about to add a remark on how ridiculous and childish she looks like with that silly pout when she blurts.

"Now I'm wishing I had fallen in love with you instead of him…"

To say he's surprised is an understatement.

"W-wh-what?" he manages to ask after a choke with the wine, "What kind of nonsense you're talking now?"

"What? At least I would know he wouldn't kill you."

He wonders if what she says is a consequence of the alcohol or if it is a constant worry for her, and can't help but, cautiously, pry.

"Do you think he'd kill our 8th brother?"

She shrugs lightly, but, despite the drunkenness, still manages to remain serious and focused on the topic at hand.

"Pyeha has despised the 8th prince for a while now," her eyes are lost in memories and then he imagines what sort of things has she ever heard the king talk about their brother, "I never dared to ask why, he might wonder my reasons."

He rolls his eyes at this, frustrated at the way his two best friends in the world keep managing their relationship. Sometimes he wishes he could just knock their heads together to see if they would stop with their nonsense.

"Then tell him everything," he speaks slowly, pointing out the obvious, "and after that ask why he hates Wook-hyungnim so much."

"I don't want to fight again…"

"Really?!" he holds back a scream of frustration, and focuses on the needed advice, "The two of you are stubborn and have strong personalities, so it's nearly impossible for you not to fight. The real problem is that you two always find a way to blame yourselves for everything, and never deal with them in an adult way. Stop trying to avoid the troubles, and focus on using them to get stronger."

He hopes she's not drunk enough to forget his words in the next morning, and that when he comes back to the palace he won't find them falling apart once again.

"You're very wise, you know that?" she smiles softly and he knows she's taken his words to heart, "We're going to miss you acting like an intermediate."

"I'll miss giving free love advice."

She laughs and he can't help but join her, finding the pristine sound of joy odd inside the walls of the palace, but not caring about it for the first time in a while.

"When are you leaving?" she asks while smiling and he's glad they can talk about his departure without him feeling his heart clench.

"Early in the morning, with the first light."

"What for? So no one comes to see you off?"

"So Pyeha does not kill me for letting you drink too much." he retorts, wondering if being Sanggung increases one's alcohol tolerance, "You're nowhere near stopping, are you?"

He tries to snatch the wine bottle, but she's quick to pull it away from his reach.

"This is a goodbye feast!" she says in an outraged tone, "Of course I'm not!"

She awkwardly pours another drink and he's impressed by her determination.

"When will you be back, Wangjanim?"

"What?" he's still smiling when he answers, "Do you think you're going to desperately need me here?"

"I do."

Her voice is solemn and low, contrasting oddly with her happy and playful tone from just a few seconds ago and it makes him pause. He blinks and looks carefully at her, taking in her serious complexion and afflicted tone, noticing the growing despair behind her eyes.

He feels a tragedy in her posture and he knows there's no way he's going to let it take his friend away from him.

"Whenever you need me, just ask Pyeha to call for me, and I'll come to your aid."

She nods, still not looking directly in his direction, and he sees the old Hae Soo being replaced by the new melancholic one.

"I'll do that. I mean it. So don't complain when it happens!" She tries to smile, but it doesn't fool him.

"What is it, Soo-yah?"

"Nothing of big importance for now." she shakes her head and the old Soo is suddenly back again, "Now what's important is a toast to you."

He holds back all the worried questions and mimics her, raising his empty cup, as she fights to find her words.

"Wang Baek Ah-nim? Please be happy."

He smiles and wishes they all would meet again in a much better life, and the world wouldn't try to hurt them nor keep them apart.

"You too, Hae Soo."

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\- - -『◆』- - -

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Is still a little dark when Baek Ah walks through the hallways of the palace, leading to the exit of that cage that was now consuming everyone. It would be safer to wait for the sunrise before leaving, but he doesn't want anyone to watch his departure, be it one of his friends, or just another snake glad to be rid of the king's last political support.

He's in a hurry, but he can't make himself walk faster. He stops at the stairs leading to the external gate and once again wonders if he's not going to regret his choice.

It's in this last moment of pondering that he's caught.

"I didn't think you'd be leaving us so soon in the morning."

The voice startles him and he almost yelps in surprise, especially because the queen was one of the main reasons he was cautious not to let the news of his departure be known to anyone who didn't have to know. However, he manages to sound unimpressed when he speaks.

"Your presence here says otherwise, Hwanghu." He bows politely and keeps on walking, turning his back to her.

"You didn't come to say goodbye to me," the woman speaks behind him and makes him stop, "But you bothered to go and visit her before leaving."

"That's right, I did. And why wouldn't I?" He turns around to face the woman, her pale face contrasting with the darkness around them, "Why would I come to see you?"

He's not surprised that she knows he visited Hae Soo the last night. Nor should he. But having a direct confirmation from the queen that she has spies around them makes him uneasy one more time.

"How cold, Baek Ah-yah. You're my broth-"

"But that doesn't matter to you," he cuts her self-pity speech, trying to refrain himself from doing something he would regret later, "If I remember well, Eun-hyungnim was also your brother."

"Not you too..." Yeon Hwa pleads and puts on a teary sad face, that does not fool him for a second, "You really judge me for that? You can't possibly blame me for what-"

"I can. I do," he cuts her one more time, no fear or hesitation left in him now that he's leaving, "But after everything you've done, I really shouldn't be surprised."

"What?" She has the nerve to look surprised and his anger seems to quickly overcome his desire for a quiet and eventless departure.

"You've always desired power. However, I wanted to believe that, despite the desire to stabilize your clan, you loved your family."

"Of course I-"

"Please, enlighten me," he asks, even though he doesn't want to hear her answer, "The reason you offered your younger brother as a sacrifice to the late king, was because you didn't want to be sent away, or because you wished a higher position?" At her outraged expression he feels motivated to continue, "And the reason you abandoned your brother to support Pyeha's claim to the throne, was because you were desperate to establish your clan, or because the idea of becoming a queen by marrying our 4th brother was too attractive to you?"

His words seem to hit her hard, but he does not regret them, not even when her eyebrow twitches and she starts to fume, her voice in an icy tone, "It seems you've been too much around Hae Soo these days. Must I remind you that I'm your queen? And therefore-"

"Yes, you're queen. And how, Hwanghu, did you manage to achieve such a high and esteemed position?" he smiles bitterly, eager to rip that snake's head up, "Don't try to play innocent for me again, noonim. We've known each too long for that… And now there is absolutely no one in this place that will come to your aid with no second intentions, not even Wook-hyungnim. That alone should be enough to tell you how far you've fallen."

He starts to turn away when Daemok speaks in an empty voice.

"I did what I had to do to survive. You really don't see that?" then the last bit of calm leaves his body at her next words, "That Hubaekje girl was just the same. She and I are alike."

It takes every bit of his willpower to not jump at the woman and strangle her. Hit her hard in the face and drag those beautiful and expensive hairpins from her hair and make her take back her words.

He needs to take a breath before turning his face back to the nasty woman. He needs to clench his fist tightly and count to ten to remain in his place.

"Woohee was trying to protect her people," he manages to speak through his gritted teeth, "You were just trying to protect a throne for your family."

"To live."

"Tell yourself what you need to, so you don't feel like a horrible person. And before you start crying and feeling miserable, remember that you're the one who chose this path, and the only one to blame for your misfortune." He faces away from her, before he does something that would backfire on his brother and his friend.

Baek Ah then leaves the palace, not a single regret behind him.

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\- - -『◆』- - -

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When Hae Soo comes back to her room after having a breakfast with her king, the prospects of being alone through the rest of the day make something down over her. This time, however, is not the cold melancholy that makes her miserable, but a piece of the innocent dialogue she had with Baek Ah before he left.

The last afternoon she had visited the royal doctor again, to check if her already dying heart had deteriorated some more, and once again begged him not to tell anything to the king about her short remaining lifetime.

She thought she'd be able to tell then. When Baek Ah left, she felt like she should tell him. When the king left for court she felt like she should tell him. She even remembers when she met Jung at her praying stones - when he told her he had a way out - how she struggled to spill it out.

She thinks of all the opportunities she has had on the past few months, but decided to be selfish.

And now there is guilt. Guilt for not letting them know about her progressing illness. Guilt for holding back such a crucial information that she knows will affect everyone. But she's still unable to dimming his feelings of this new found happiness between them after being distant for such a long time.

 _After I tell them, everything will change._

She's not a fool. She knows she'll have to tell everything soon. But just the thought of leaving them behind so early makes her want to cry and sob, and she feels like she won't be able to live through the night if he can't come to her, let alone be able to tell the truth.

She spreads a sheet of paper before her, mixes the ink slowly and starts to write.

When the external light extinguishes, when a court lady comes in to light the candles up and tells her that the king has requested her presence for dinner, Hae Soo has twelve envelopes piled up before her, and a few discarded pieces of paper. There would have been a few more of them had she not run out of ink a few moments earlier, and too lost in thoughts to fetch some more.

She forces a smile to ease the girl before her and takes the envelopes with her hands. She carefully puts them in the chest she keeps his poems and the broken arrow, along with the other letters she has written the past few days.

 _How many more will I have to write before I'm ready to tell him? Before I'm ready to say goodbye?_

She holds tightly to one of the envelopes, caressing slowly the tag that says '14th Prince', before putting it down with the rest of the others, closing the chest and walking away.

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\- - -『◆』- - -

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 _"Why did you even ask for a new chest?"_

 _"You wrote so many copies of that poem, that now I don't have space to keep my stuff."_

 _"You were the one who asked for them!"_

 _"That is irrelevant to this conversation. The point is, I need a new chest."_

 _"Alright, I'll send one to you."_

 _"There's no need. I'm going to the market tomorrow."_

 _"There's like a thousand empty chests in this place! Just take whichever appeals you more and keep me company tomorrow!"_

* * *

 **A\N: It's been a while. I know it. I'm sorry. I've got a lot of stuff going on. But the chapter is ready and is here.** **Also, I've just watched The Bride Of The Water God, so I guess that explains the 13th Prince POVs. And if you thought that Baek Ah was a little OOC, than it's probably because Habaek infiltrated my system.**

 **Thank you for reading, and I'll be back soon! (I hope...)**

 **...**

 **sandufus**

 _ **I'm writing this fic so I can come up with SoSoo fluff... So sit back and enjoy all those pure moments that come to mind before I sleep, because Moon Lovers just refuses to leave me alone. Also, if you wanna know, Soo pushed him from the bed. I don't even know why I write her so violent, may the problem is me...**_

 **...**

 **Alisa H**

 _ **It is quite nostalgic to see them like that! I kept remembering episode 4 while writing this chapter. Seol though... Who knows?**_

 **...**

 **Daoine**

 _ **I am highly tempted to do so! It would be awesome! Don't give me ideas...**_

 **...**

 **Rito Dey**

 ** _Even my sadistic heart has a limit when it comes to its OTPs. So, don't worry, I don't have any plans on angsting their relationship with more fights and misunderstandings. I can't promise they're out of danger though..._  
**


	6. tell them something is coming

**A\N: So, I'm alive, and it just so happens that I finally managed to write this chapter. Enjoy.**

* * *

Things are bad in court, and not for the first time Hae Soo wishes she could do more for him than just be a company.

He smiles at her every time they meet, he tells her everything is just fine, he has all the matters under control, and that she shouldn't be worried about it as she's still recovering. So she smiles back at him and agrees, makes him promise her again that he'll tell her when things get troubling, and resumes to do whatever they are doing.

(She hugs him and savors the feeling of his breath on her neck, the way his hair comes loose around her fingers, his smile on her skin and allows herself to pretend the world outside doesn't exist, just the two of them.)

He doesn't know, however, that she has the court ladies informing her on the basics of what's happening in the shifting struggle for power, and that she's aware of how bad things are. She's finding it harder and harder to pretend she's not deadly worried about him as the days pass by.

But she can't do much with the gossiping of the girls, nor with her power. Knowing is something, being able to change their situation is a whole thing altogether, and she blames her own desire to be separated from the palace politics in the past, unknowingly tying up her hands, so that now she can only watch the play from afar.

 _He called me his queen, but to the rest of them I'm just a pawn._

She's just a spectator, just a witness to the events with no significant part in all of it. No importance to anyone but him. It frustrates her, it has ever since she arrived in that place, but, afraid to do more harm than good, she keeps a low profile hiding herself away in the Damiwon during the day, to avoid having any of her actions being used against him, shaking his frail position.

"I think it's because of how quickly the two previous kings died," Min Ji tells her, hanging low her head as usual, even though Hae Soo is no longer Sanggung, "They are trying to be ready to grasp more than the others, in case Pyeha suddenly passes away," she pauses and breathes, then she catches on her words and she bows a little lower, "I'm sorry for my words, my lady!"

"I've already told you to speak freely with me," Soo smiles and reassures the girl, "Don't be scared of your words, you're speaking only the truth."

"Yes, my lady."

Min Ji is quiet and sheepish, but she has good ears and is easily unnoticed by the powerful ministers, and she has a great sense of loyalty to Hae Soo, from the period she ran the Damiwon. Yoo Bin, on the other hand, who knew Hae Soo since the girl became a court lady and followed her because of the late Lady Oh, has less insecurity, and thereafter offers more than the whispers and rumors from the palace.

"Who would be the one with the best claim, should Pyeha pass away suddenly?" Soo can't help but wonder, Min Ji's insinuation making her dark thoughts stir once again. Not that she fears the king will die any soon. According to history he still has decades in front of him, many more years than she has. But she'd feel more at ease if there wasn't a shadow looming in court, and a fight for power that might come to the point of him making more radical decisions.

"By the talks, I'd say the 8th prince," Yoo Bin's words make her stomach sink, even though she already knew that would be her answer, "Apparently he is the one holding more power."

She tries to visualize the old 8th prince, who was kind and protective, but her mind is filled with the cold and distant man, who she keeps running into in the palace.

She's not sure, however, if the cold man is a murderer or a support for her king.

"Is his power being used to defend the King?"

"It's hard to say, he's being quiet."

Soo remembers all the times she ran into Wang Wook during Hyejong's and Jeonjong's reign. He never spoke a word, never said anything when their paths crossed. He just stared at her with empty eyes and left soon after. The only time they ever talked was outside the Throne Room, when she asked him if he had planned the murder of the king.

 _He said he didn't do anything wrong. And he wouldn't have been involved with the 9th prince in the poisoning if it meant his 3rd brother would ascend to the throne, would he?_

 _He still covets the throne? He would be willing to kill his own brothers for it?_

 _Was it me?_

"I think the Hwangbo have calmed down," Min Ji adds nervously, worried about Soo's pensive expression, "After the Chungju and the Kang, they are the clan with more interest in protecting Pyeha," she smiles, trying her best to sound optimistic.

"Even though Pyeha being on the throne favours both his clans, it's no secret he's not attached to any of them," Min Ji's shoulders drop, her smile fading into incredulousness, as Yoo Bin continues her analytical* words, "They mistreated the current king, so they already failed in claiming his loyalty. Now they have no reassurance that he might turn against them."

"Wasn't his wedding supposed to take care of this? Won't the Hwangbo be satisfied with the queen?"

Min Ji's innocence reminds her of her own, and Soo feels a little bad for the girl, unable to crush the hopeful dreams of the girl. Such sympathy seems not to exist in Yoo Bin.

"A queen gives them power, but Hwanghu has little influence on Pyeha's actions. An heir would stabilize the ties, but she remains childless," the woman pauses and looks directly at Hae Soo, "Should the opportunity be presented, the Hwangbo would rather have a king than a queen."

Her chest tightens and she winces. She should not be having this kind of conversation, having these kind of thoughts. Her heart is already giving in, and it does not need any more incentive to fail faster. But not knowing anything is just as bad, just as stressful, just as hurtful, so it's not like she actually has a choice.

The troubles in court won't stop and wait because she can't handle the stress, so she sighs and thinks, wanders, contemplates and tries to have faith in a good ending.

"They are all watching him, expecting a moment of weakness."

 _They want to knock him out, but they won't succeed._

 _Is this the beginning of the bloodbath in the palace? Is this instability and whispered conspiration that will force him to kill many of his ministers, and cause him to be forever remembered as a bloody king?_

 _Will I be handle all the stress, then? Or will my heart simply succumb to its disease?_

"Maybe the 8th Prince will be satisfied with having his sister as queen," Min Ji tries being optimistic once again, but this time is not Yoo Bin who crushes her hopes.

"After coveting for that seat for so long, he became blind by it," Soo tries to settle for the worst case scenario. She won't be able to change anything nor to help him in a political manner about it, but it's good for her to prepare her heart for all that is to come, "Pyeha will have to strengthen himself a lot more to prevent him from coming any closer."

"Or stop him altogether," Yoo Bin comments calmly, making Min Ji gasp and Soo wide her eyes.

"The 8th prince is his brother!" Hae Soo voices her most recurrent thoughts from ever since the feud between the princes had started. The indignation of such a common thing in this century still being a shock to her 21st century mind.

"I'm sorry my lady," the oldest court lady does not sound sorry at all, "but so was the late King."

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"What can I do to help?" she insists once again another night, her fingers buried in his dark locks as she massages his temples softly, and he sighs, already knowing where this conversation is leading to.

"You don't have to do anything," he answers, eyes still closed, and she knows he means well, she knows he just wants to protect her, but she can't help but feel uneasy and restless.

"What if I want to?" The petulance in her voice is enough for him to know that this isn't going to be a quick conversation.

He opens his eyes, staring directly at her eyes, and she holds his gaze. She thinks he's about to rise his head from her lap and close off the topic once again, saying that there's nothing she has to do, as she steels herself, her position decided and her arguments prepared, when he catches her by surprise as he raises his hand to her hair and moves it behind her ears slowly.

"Take care of your health," he say in a tone that is filled with worry at the same time it carries some of his regal authority, "That way I won't have to worry."

She holds back the "i'm going to die anyway, so i could just as well stand beside you in all the palace politics" retort. She doesn't fear the consequences that might come to her anymore, as long as she helps him to become a different king from the one history will remember in the future. She does fear, however, the sadness and heartbreak she'll inflict on him after she uncovers the truth.

She sighs, not being able to promise him that she'll just sit idly by and watch the politics slowly stain and break him. Not being able to confess that he won't need to worry about her health for much longer.

"I can't just sit and wait. This a very frail peace," she untangles one hand from his hair and holds his own to the side of her face, "They might use me against you."

He sighs long and deep, tired and whiny, and she would have smiled if she wasn't so resolved on presenting commitment.

"You really want to discuss politics now?" He sits up, but doesn't let go of her hand.

"I don't. But this is your world now," she snuggles closer to his chest, happy that he's not denying immediately, "We have to be on the same page, we have to talk about these things, even if we don't like them. You said you didn't like them either."

"I still don't. In fact, I've been trying to dodge this conversation for plenty of time," he pulls her slightly away, just to look her closely in her eyes, "There are better things we could be doing instead."

"I told you I'd stay with you!" She almost shouts as she tries to keep him away, before he starts something she won't have the heart to stop, "That includes through the hardships of court. Now that Baek Ah and the General Park left you'll need more help."

"Do you really fear I'll fall that easily?"

"You won't fall," after all that has happened, and with she knows that'll happen, there's not a single shred of doubt on her about that, "There's not a single man in here who's fit to challenge you. I only fear you'll be forced to sacrifice what's good in you to take those beasts down."

"Not every fight requires a sacrifice."

"This one might. So please, let me help you."

"You're already helping me."

"Pyeha…"

She takes a deep breath, but he cuts her before she starts another argument.

"I'm being honest. You are!" He cups her cheeks with a caress, holding her like she's the most precious thing in in the universe, and she knows that she's about to let it go, "Just knowing that I'll get to see you at night, just knowing that you believe in me, that you're still here, it gives me strength to last the day," he speaks so wistfully that she feels her resolve start to fade.

"I should do more for you than just give you comfort…"

"Do something for yourself. Make sure you're well and try your best to make your life here comfortable."

"Pyeha…"

"I don't want to worry you over the court matters," he lets go of her face and holds her hands, "But when you manage to recover your health, I'll be less anxious and I promise we'll have this conversation again."

She looks down at their entwined hands, avoiding his eyes and biting her lower lips. She's afraid of what might happen to him in court, but she's also afraid of what will happen when she tells him.

She breaths deeply, and comes up with a middle-ground.

"Very well," she looks up at him, willing to argue over the matter a little longer, "But you have to tell me everything you're doing," she waits for his agreement, but then he closes his eye and pinches the bridge of his nose, and she knows she has to be quick, "You keep telling me everything is fine, but I want to know at least what is happening! I can't live in complete ignorance! You said you'd be more open!"

"Soo-yah…" His regal voice is back and she goes for her secret weapon.

"If you don't, I'll stop coming to see you."

He narrows his eyes to check if she's bluffing, but knowing better than take his chances and dare her to do so.

"I'll go after you…"

"I'll hide in a secret cave at the Damiwon."

"I'll issue a decree…"

"You know that won't work."

He grunts in frustration, and she almost giggles at the sight of the feared and imposing king acting like a little kid. Almost. She still needs him to agree.

"Fine," he whines, "I'll tell you my decisions and decrees beforehand, if that's what you want. Happy?"

"Yes, thank you," she smiles, broadly and brightly, as she pulls him to a hug, burying her face on his chest.

"You really think that'll be better?" he's still doubtful, but that won't ruin her mood.

"I sure do."

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Hae Soo turns out to be right, as the open talks about politics give her some greater comfort.

For a few weeks she does not need to rely on the whispers of the court ladies, she doesn't have to guess and predict what's happening inside the court hall. The relief is greater when the only problems and pressure is coming from the lost harvest on some lands at the east side of the country, a few military encounters with the Khitan forces, and a dispute over which lord has the right over a certain portion of land.

There are problems, of course. But not a riot, nor a rebellion, and finally, not the pressure to take him off the throne.

He just needs to get stronger now, so people won't dare to fight him, so he won't be forced to kill his own ministers and brothers, so the people from a thousand years in the future won't remember him as a tyrant.

"Stopping threats is a way to get stronger," Yoo Bin points out and she gracefully ignores the woman. Her king is not like this, and she knows him. She knows he does not wish to spill blood, he won't do it if he doesn't have a real reason.

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She finds him on the Astronomy Tower, but before she can even be filled with the nostalgia of meeting him in such an evocative place, she notices the disarray of his bun and the frenzy on his eyes. Jimong is nowhere near sight and she wonders what might have caused his distress, but before she can even open her mouth to speak he sees her.

"Soo-yah!" he exclaims and a smile opens on his face, making him look like a maniac, and she shudders.

"Pyeha… Is everything alright?" she rushes to him, taking his hands carefully on hers, "You're not acting like yourself."

"Oh, I'm fine. I'm completely fine," before she starts to worry that he may have ingested some suspicious substance, he tones down his excitement and speaks in a sober manner, "I did it, Soo-yah! I can make everything right again!" at her expression of confusion he continues his explanation, "I know how to get rid of him."

Hae Soo's heart stops beating for a second and she feels a terrible dread come over her.

"What? Get rid of whom?" he doesn't seem to notice her fear, as he continues his mad speech.

"It was all because of him. It was all Wook! And now I can stop this."

At the mention of the 8th prince name she freezes and almost doesn't notice that he's stomping out to the stairs.

"Pyeha, wait!" she shouts at him when she's back to her senses, but he does not stop, "What's going on? What did the 8th prince do?"

"I can't explain everything now," he speaks without looking back and she wishes he would stop just so she can try to understand what's happening, "I have to be quick or he'll get what he wants."

"Quick for what? Pyeha!" she forgets about the condition of her knees and runs the steps separating them, stopping right in front him and making him halt as well, "Tell me what's happening, please! What does he want?"

"He wants to get rid of me," he looks sceptical and speaks slowly, as if this was a known fact and he's surprised she's even asking him this, "He wants the throne."

And it's not like Hae Soo didn't suspect something of the sort was happening, or that she never knew about the 8th prince's aspirations, but she hoped that he wouldn't sentence his brother just for aspiring the highest position.

"Wait. Are you completely sure of it?" she grasps his arm as he walks around her, forcing him to face her again.

"What? You don't believe me?"

"That's not it!" She doesn't expect her question to make him look so vulnerable and sound so angry. Nor does she expect for them to be yelling at each other once again. She tries to calm down, and sound reasonable, her grasp easing on his arm, "I just don't want you to do something you might regret later."

For a second she believes he's calmed down. For an instant she's sure that he is coming back to her and that he is going to listen to her. But then he pulls his arm from her and the moment is gone.

"I thought you would understand," he mutters under his breath, turns around and leaves her behind, watching him get away from her once again.

.

.

.

.

"Was there anything out of the ordinary today?" she asks Yoo Bin casually, her voice completely calm and neutral.

"Not at all. Why? Did anything happen?"

"No. Nothing happened." _At least not yet…_ , she adds mentally, the optimism inside her fighting with the apprehension she developed after living in the palace for so long, "Do you think there's still wish from the 8th prince for the throne?"

"It's hard to say, my lady," Yoo Bin answers, her hands never stopping from taking out the cups and pouring the tea.

"That's why I asked for what you think."

The court lady puts the tea-pot down and kneels on the floor, her face expressionless and her eyes unsettling.

"Unlike the 13th and the 9th prince," the woman begins, "I've never seen nor heard the 8th prince manifest the lack of interest for it. Not even once."

 _He won't move if he doesn't have to, but he'll attack, he'll bite and kill if he feels threatened. If the 8th prince never claims to have no desires for the throne, he'll remain a possible threat._

 _Someone needs to stop this._

"Is there any way for a truce between them?"

"Yes. One of them dies."

.

.

.

.

"Wangjanim!"

She doesn't yell, nor does she shout, but the word seems to be carried to everywhere in the palace and the world goes silent. The 8th prince stops walking, and for a while that is the only sign that he heard her, that she has caught his attention.

When he turns around she tries not to flinch at his cold stare, tries not to look too weak, too guilty, too desperate. And when he speaks she tries not to shudder at the strange way he sounds.

"What is it?" she would take his expression as amusement if she didn't know better, "Do you have more pitiful words for me? Are you going to start another nonsense of stars?"

"I just want to ask you to stop."

He takes a few steps closer to her and she has to fight the urge to walk away from him and stand her position.

"Are you afraid that I'll overthrow him and kill him?" he stares icely into her eyes, "Or do you fear that I'm incapable of succeed and be sentenced to death?"

"That is not it..." she tries to explain, but he cuts her off.

"You don't think he'll lose, otherwise you'd have left him. So why bother with such worries?"

"Wangjanim..." she fights for the chance to say something else, to come up with something that could dissuade him, to find a fraction of the old boy she once loved, but there's nothing. She can't say anything. She can't do anything. There's nothing left there that she could use to change his mind.

The 8th prince seems to notice some of her internal conflict and shrugs, taking his eyes away from hers and turning to the way he's going, speaking in a neutral tone, as if the matter has no substantial importance.

"My sister is queen. Such power will have to be enough for a starless prince like me," then he looks at her over his shoulder, "I'll peacefully watch from afar, to see how long you'll be able to remain by his side."

.

.

.

.

Despite his harsh words, she feels a wave of relief come over her. The palace is still poison and is filled with snakes, but knowing that the 8th prince is not about to start a rebellion that would unleash the purge that would stain Gwangjong's reign and label him as a tyrant.

Her relief however doesn't last long.

She's still rooted to the same spot, looking at the place the 8th prince was just a few moments ago, when suddenly the world around her spins and she sees red.

She's drowning once again.

She sees the sun shining at the top of the water, but something drags her to the dark bottom.

It's been a long time since she's had a vision, and for a brief second she wonders in the back of her mind what triggered this one, when it all gets clearer, the other colors come to her and she manages to discern shapes.

It just lasts a few seconds. It's just a few seconds and she knows it. But it always seems to last and eternity.

The first thing she notices is the library of the 8th prince, looking abandoned and dusted. Then she notices the blood dripping on the floor.

The sharp sound on her ears seems to get louder and louder as she comprehends the entire scene before her. And she realizes that she's watching the 8th prince die, with blood dripping from his mouth, and his face pale and weak, just like her Unnie looked like on her final moments.

He tries to reach for something - anything - before everything is red once again.

She wakes with a gasp, shock still filling her veins, her hand coming forward, trying to reach out, when she realizes she's back at her room, the sunlight filling up the place.

"Min Ji-ah found you passed out," she hears someone say and only then notices she's not alone.

She sits carefully, her head's still a little dizzy and she massages her aching chest once again, the nature of her latest vision not helping to increase her condition at all.

"When did I pass out?"

"We don't know," Yoo Bin turns away from her and starts to prepare a cup of tea, "Perhaps if you didn't ditch the court ladies Pyeha assigned to you, we would."

"I'm sorry."

"Say that to the poor girl," Soo winces when she thinks of the younger court lady having to deal with her unconscious body, "She thought you were dead."

"I'm fine..."

"No, you're not fine," the woman cuts her traditional healthy speech, "As the Royal Doctor told me, you're not fine at at all."

"I asked him not to…"

"Not to tell the king. And he didn't. He just told me because he trusted me to be discreet on the matter."

She looks down at her cup of tea, its smell going unregistered as she's too focused on the mess that starts to form inside her head.

"Does he know what happened?" She doesn't have to ask, but she likes to be sure.

"You've been unconscious for almost two days."

"Is he too mad?"

"He shouted for a while. Demanded to know what was wrong," Yoo Bin's shrug – such an uncourteous gesture - is a sign she's been up at her side for too long, "Then he shouted a little more when the Physician gave a vague answer. You know you have to tell him."

"I do. It's just… I'm not ready to say goodbye yet."

"All of this is because of what happened that time, isn't it? When you were framed for trying to poison the prince."

"It wasn't just that."

"But that was what catalysed it, wasn't it?" she can feel the piercing eyes of the older woman on her, and she really can't hide it, "Are you positive that staying here won't aggravate your condition?"

There's some implication on the court lady's words, and she can't really catch her subtle message, so she looks up from her untouched tea and back to the woman.

"What do you want to say?" A sign for her to speak freely and uncarefully, even uncourteous if necessary.

Yoo Bin seems to hesitate a little, but then she takes a deep breath and – in a sign of rare affection – places one hand on her shoulder.

"Oh Sanggung died because of the actions of the late queen mother," she speaks in a hard motherly manner, "Should the same fate come to you, I'll beg you to do what she couldn't and leave him behind."

Soo blinks, taken aback by the words that sound so much like the late woman, but then smiles softly, not letting such fears cross her mind again.

"It won't. I trust him."

The odd warm on the woman's eyes fades, and she takes her hand back, her voice going back to the void and neutral tone of always.

"Then you must know that the king just accused the 8th prince for treason."

The world goes quiet once again, and all that there is are Yoo Bin's words hanging in the silence, echoing to her again and again.

"What?" _That can't be. It can't be._

 _He just told me he wouldn't. Did he lie again? What happened? Why did he change his mind? What did he do?_

 _What about the king? What happened to him? Is he alright? Are the ministers pushing forward? Is the bloodbath beginning?_

 _What do I do?_

"It happened this morning," Yoo Bin continues after noticing Soo's confusion, "Apparently the 8th prince offered the king a dead hawk in front of all the ministers. A death sentence is being expected to any moment now."

"Death sentence?"

"He'll be forced to ingest poison, most likely."

Hae Soo's senses go numb as the world spins around her and the piercing noise comes back. She does not see the bottom of the lake, nor the red, nor a glimpse of the future. She does not pass out, nor does she drop her cup of tea, but her heart beats violently against her ribcage as the fear sinks in. Her blood leaves her face and the memories of her old Goryeo knowledge flood her mind.

 _I thought I changed it! I thought I had made it!_

 _Was it me? What did I do? What should I have done?_

 _What do I do now?_

* * *

 **A\N: I know I can't promise to update soon, but as I am finally - FINALLY - free of college, I might be able to come back sooner than it took this time. Also, I'm sorry for dragging the storyline and for taking so long to solve things, but I'm about to run out of canon events that I can use, so I promise this won't take too long.  
**

 **...**

 **Daoine**  
 _ **You know what would be better than Baek Ah tearing into Yeonhwa? HAE SOO TEARING INTO YEONHWA!  
**_

 **...**

 **Rito Dey  
** _ **So sorry for making this to you, specially with what happened in this chapter... BUT IT HURTS ME TOO! I just need to get rid of Wook, then I can move on to my compilation of SoSoo fluff.**_

 **...**

 **myrka1296g  
** _ **Sorry for taking so long. Again. Really. Seol is a thing in my mind, just not on the story yet. It would too much for poor Soo to handle. About the ending... yeah, some things can't be avoided, but others can, and that's all I can say really.  
**_ _ **Gracias :)**_

 **...**

 **Clavel  
** _ **Welcome aboard! Sorry for the late update and for the unexpected angst. I promise there's fluff on the way. Thanks for reading!**_

 **...**

 **sandufus  
** _ **I wish I could write everyone being honest and ruthless against Yeonhwa... Maybe even joining "The Roast Of Yeonhwa" weekly meetings. For now, let's just have Baek Ah... (sorry about soo)**_


	7. i won't be the one

**A\N: No, this story hasn't been abandoned.**

* * *

She runs to join him as soon as the doors from the throne room open. She ignores the eunuch that tries to stop her and struggles to keep up with his pace. Her skirts and much shorter legs make her half jog besides his long imposing strides.

After a few seconds waiting for him to acknowledge her, Hae Soo decides to speak up.

"I need to talk to you."

"No, you need to lay down," he doesn't look at her, nor does he slow downs his pace, "The doctor was very specific that you must rest."

She rushes faster, feeling his attempt to shut her off and bursts out her request.

"Spare the 8th prince."

By then, the doors of his chambers have been opened and he's walking in, sighing when she follows and the doors close behind them.

"Not this again…" he mutters under his breath and she tries for another strategy.

"He is innocent!" she begs, trying to appeal to his sense of justice, "I'm sure of it. Pyeha, please!"

He stops then, and she feels a little bit better when he finally turns to look at her. However, the glint of his eyes do not help to ease her anxiety.

"He is a traitor," he says in an icy tone, making that vision she had of him more vivid in her mind, "and he deserves the worst penalty I can think of…," he starts trailing and raising his voice, but she bursts out once again.

"You were the one who did it," she clenches her fists around her skirt, not wanting to accuse him of such a thing and yet unable to find another explanation, "You killed the hawk and now you want to punish him."

There is a huge pause then. He stands silently, watching her with unrevealing eyes. She wishes him to deny it. She fears she's wrong and he'll lose trust on her again. But after a few seconds he tilts his head and smirks.

"What? Is that wrong? He is a threat that has to be eliminated," His words make the fear stir up once again inside her, growing as a sadistic laugh starts to form and pour from his chest, "I wish I could just kill him with my own hands."

There's a glimpse then of the boy she met a long time before, telling an assassin to kill her. There's a glance of the coldness and indifference she hasn't seen on him for years. There's also that raw anger that made him look like an wild, frenzied animal, who saw no problem in following its instincts and getting its prey.

There's an even higher semblance with the future Gwangjong, known as a bloody king and merciless tyrant, who will kill his own brother.

She once again curses the palace for being so hard on him, for pushing him to such extremes, for forcing him to become more like the bloody and merciless king she feared he became.

He's still laughing when her punch hits his shoulder, and frowning in confusion when a second one hits his chest. When the third one comes he is quick to firmly hold her hand.

"I thought this was to be done only on extreme situations…" he sounds bothered and slightly angered, which makes her a little angered as well.

"You start to laugh after saying you wish to kill your brother and don't want me to be afraid?!" She tries to hit him with her free arm, but he holds the other one as well, "You said you'd let us talk about such things, and yet, you ignored my pleas the entire day. You're being so heartless right now that I wonder who you are."

He pulls her fists, bringing her closer to his eyes, and she fights the urge to push him away as he lowers to meet her stare. He does not hurt her, but his voice disturbs her.

"Such things about the court matters, right? Haven't I done that?"

"When were you planning to tell me about the 8th prince?" She tries to match his tone, even though she's being harsh, "After your verdict? After his execution? Just like it was with Chae Ryung?"

"This entire thing is at a completely different level compared to what happened with Chae Ryung. Even he knows there's no way he can escape…"

"He promised he would stop coveting the throne!" She urges in despair, "Even if everyone believes there's no way out, you're the king! You can surely…"

"Why do you protect him?" He interrupts her, frustration emanating from him "Why do you choose his side?"

"There are no sides…"

"Yes, there are! And if I don't take him down now, he'll come after me later, and won't hesitate before killing me. Is that what you want?"

"That's not what I mean…"

"He is a murderer! A liar and a manipulative bastard!" The words start to come out firmer from his mouth, and she can't help but listen in shock, "He's the reason why we couldn't get married and you were spurned by all the ministers. He sided with our brother, just aiming to get the throne for himself. He even helped him to capture and kill Eun-ah. Moreover, he was the mastermind behind the king's poisoning, and even Chae Ryung's framing. Didn't you say you wanted justice for her?"

She can't move. She can't think. She can't let all of his words sink in and make sense of them. She can't understand all of his accusations, even though another part of her can, and is drowning in a different kind of horror.

She's frozen, her mind is stuck. But she can only think about that one fracture she remembers about the 4th ruler of Goryeo, and how she's so desperate to prevent it.

"But… but still… you shouldn't kill him!"

"Why would you want to help him? Why would you bother to save his life?"

 _Why at all?, if trying to save him make we drift apart even more? Why would I step for him, when he has no salvation? Why can't I just leave him behind, like he did with me?_

 _Am I that cold blooded?_

Soo doesn't want to move, but her body starts to shake so much that she needs to hold onto the fabric of his robes. She doesn't blink, but the tear she has been holding back falls down anyway. She doesn't open her mouth, but the sob escapes even so, and echoes in the short distance between them.

She feels his silence wrap around her, she feels his confusion, and she wishes she wouldn't fall apart, not now, not at all, but she does anyway.

The king's hands are soft and warm around her shoulders, even though he sounded cold and brutal just a few moments before. Even though they were having an argument, he can't stand her crying, he's desperate to know why she suddenly burst into tears, and she knows that she can't keep it a secret anymore.

She braces herself for his reaction, because she knows after her answer and her confession, things will be hard for them once again.

"Because it's my fault," she whispers, but she knows he can hear her, "I broke him."

"Nothing you could have done would have made him become what he is."

"Nothing, but one thing." Soo doesn't dare to look up to So's eyes, so she remains with a low head, her grip getting stronger, and letting her tears pour down, trying to make the words come out from her, despite the sobbing, "He told me that his actions… He told me that everything he would do… He wanted the power because he believed he would take me back and then marry me. I told him it wouldn't, he was never… Not after he… Not after Sanggung… It was all my fault! If I hadn't… If we never had… He wouldn't be involved in this war if it wasn't because of me! If something were to happen to him now, it would be because of me! I… I can't! I can't do this..."

She lets the sobs take over, and she can't speak anymore. She can only feel the way his touch changes, the eager grip slowly merging until a loose hold, as her disconnected speech starts to make sense in his head.

"You said you'd be scarred forever…" He speaks slowly, as if in a trance, and she dreads the calm in his voice, feeling that rift opening once again, "Back then, you asked me not to take his life, that you'd be scarred forever, and I thought it was because of your cousin, but all this time it was..."

"He doesn't mean anything anymore." She tries to pull him closer, afraid he misunderstands everything and push her away once again, "He didn't back then, and he doesn't know. This is because of me. I can't keep on living knowing I caused someone else's death, so I'm asking you again," she buries her face on his unmoving chest and lets her tears soak his robe, "Please, spare the 8th prince."

There is an eternity of silence in the room. He hasn't taken his hands from her shoulders, but he hasn't moved at all. He does not pull her closer, nor does he push her away. He remains still and if it weren't for the way his heart beats against her cheek, she would think he wasn't there at all.

He lets her go then, and speaks in a tone so different from before that she feels cold and empty.

"I'm only doing this for you. So his death doesn't weigh on you. He'll live, but he'll be forever confined to the limits of his own house. He'll be locked inside of his walls until he passes away. For all I care, he can rot on that place. That will be his sentence."

.

.

.

.

"Have you come for a last look?"

The 8th prince does not look at her, nor does he turn to her direction. The only acknowledgment offered is his question, heavy with bitterness and despair.

This is a man who hit the bottom of his life. A person just trying to survive, just hoping to live, eager to pay any price for that at this moment. It is a pitiful sight, to see someone who walked on the top of the world having to kneel for his life. A man full of power having to beg just to save his life.

Had it been before she would have sat by his side until he could feel better, but now, Hae Soo cannot offer him any more comfort than her words.

"You know very well that I never wanted for any of this to happen."

"But this is how things are," he smiles even though there's no humor whatsoever in him, "The destined king is raised, and this is the end for the starless prince."

His head hangs lower in resignation, and once again Soo wonders if this ending could be avoided somehow or if he was destined to be corrupted from the start.

 _Was it the stars or was it my presence? Was it your destiny or was it my meddling?_

 _Was it me?_

 _Does it matter?_

She's already tired of wondering and doubting herself. She's tired of living in this place and in this era. She's tired of fighting for everyone. But still, there's a stubborn part of the old Hae Soo, the one who looks so much like Go Hajin, that refuses to die in the cold body of the current Hae Soo.

She cannot comfort him, but she can at least offer some relief to him.

"Pyeha has decided to spare your life."

The 8th Prince is clearly surprised, the relief making the tension leave his shoulders, but he still does not move and continues to bow before the throne.

"For what do I owe such a lenient sentence?" He manages to speak in a detached tone.

"Nothing at all. He does not do this because of your fraternal ties, nor because of mercy towards you," she answers coldly, making sure that the distance is settled between them, "This is for my peace of mind."

"So you begged for my life to him again?" His eyes turn away from the floor and back to her "Why, when you no longer have any feelings for me?"

She feels his stare more than she sees it, as she keeps looking at a point between him and the stairs to the throne.

"Because that's what I do. I keep you brothers from killing each other."

"Yes, that's how you've been from the very beginning. But now it's too late for any of that."

Hae Soo's eyes drift to the cursed seat before the 8th prince. The symbol of the position that broke apart an entire family, the representation of the power men would kill to have. The source of all ill in her life.

"Before," she speaks in a nostalgic way, "I would always hope things could go back where they used to. I would think that my place was at your house. I would wish that those afternoons, when your brothers would come to visit could one day come back.

"Even when that place stopped being my place, when that house was no longer my home, I would wish to see you all together again. Like you were on the day of the 10th prince wedding. Just for a moment. If all of you stopped your fights just for a moment and saw how foolish all those battles were, maybe they could have." She doesn't have any tears left for him, so when she faces him there is no expression in her eyes, "However, once you sever a bond, it shall remain severed for its eternity. And I am tired of trying to fix it."

He still doesn't look at her, so she looks down to the floor as well. However, when she's about to leave, he speaks in a low and soft voice.

"Back then," he starts slowly "you said that you would marry me and we would go to my homeland, if I gave up on the throne."

Hae Soo sighs, remembering a time that almost looked like a dream, when she first arrived in Goryeo and took his hand, when she thought she would be the happiest by his side. The bliss of ignorance.

"That is a thing of the past now."

"Perhaps we would have been happy then?"

There is a small and hidden hope in his voice. A happy wish she knows he has been nurturing for a while. He never truly gave up on her, and even though she does not wish to cause suffering to anyone, she's quick to blow that candle out.

"That is something we'll never know." She thinks of her king, and how he was always by her side when she needed, even if she didn't want him to, and is unable to think of a reality where their lives never met, "From the start, Wangjanim, we've been doing this in the wrong order. We fell in love before we knew each other, we were separated before we got together, you abandoned me before I was yours, and I gave up on you before you became mine. Now, let's do something correctly. Let's say farewell and never meet again. I'll stop thinking about the days that will never come back, so you should stop as well." She takes a deep breath and looks back at him and finds his eyes staring back at her, "Stop your meaningless fight. Forget the throne and forget me, so you don't suffer more. For you, I can only go this far."

"Very well, then." He bows his head as she walks out, "Our intertwined fate ends here."

.

.

.

.

Her new chest has only letters. Carefully written and beautifully wrapped. Some of them are just words about what she's feeling, others are poems the 13th prince taught her. There are a few requests and some confessions as well, but still unopened, still undelivered, and as the day passes by she adds a few more to them.

 _Maybe now it's the time._

 _Am I ready now?_

The envelopes are beautiful, and rich in thoughts. The contents are well-thought, and each stroke of ink has a purpose. She didn't have the habit of writing letters back in the 21st century. Her hectic life was too much time demanding to sit down for such a slow task, and the technological resources made the effort completely unnecessary. But now, in such a calm and quiet place, her letters are her only escape.

She has just closed the chest when he walks in, silent and void of expression. She looks up at him and blinks, unsure of what to do, and he looks back at her, silent for a second, then he speaks in a neutral tone.

"I thought you'd be dining by now."

"I'm not hungry. I sent them away." She looks around disoriented, trying to be as casual as possible at the same time she tries to understand what he's doing on her room.

His expression flares up in an instant, indignation filling his eyes and he starts to shout in a shocked voice.

"But the doctor said…!" he catches himself up in the middle of his sentence, and sighs exasperated. Then he turns around and open the doors, addressing to the court ladies still outside, "Bring us something. We are going to eat now."

He turns back to her, walking closer, and she fears they are about to have an argument.

"Pyeha, you don't have to."

"No, I don't. But you do." He sits beside her on the floor, speaking in a stern manner, "You passed out and didn't wake up for two days. Now you're saying you're not going to eat because you're not hungry?!"

She looks down apologetically, as she didn't think she'd be caught breaking the doctor's orders, but at the same time, feeling relieved, that he joined her at dinner, given the mood between them when she pled for the 8th prince's life.

They eat in silence, tension emanating from both of them, the irritation still visible on his frown.

"You went to him." he finally speaks, still not looking at her.

"I told him that you'd be lenient," she answers, even though it wasn't really a question and hopes he's not angry, "Forgive me for my meddling."

"Hmpf," he grunts while still looking down to his bowl, "I wanted to look at his fearful eyes one last time before I decreed his penalty. It would have been a nice compensation after all the arrogant attitude I had to endure."

"I don't think he'll ever look down on you again. He was expecting to get a safe position with the hawk and be out of danger."

He grunts again, and the silence that follows makes her a little nervous.

"Aren't you mad? For not telling you sooner?"

He sighs and stops eating, putting his spoon down. He looks contemplative for a moment, while he seems to think about his answer, before he finally looks at her.

"Actually," he says in a warmer voice, "I'm surprised that I didn't notice it before. You two weren't exactly discreet about it." He pauses and looks up in contemplation once again, and this time she knows he's reminiscing of all the moments in the past that should have indicated her previous status with the 8th Prince, "I'm sure many others know about it."

"Yes," she answers quickly and immediately regrets it, "I'm sorry. Thank you for not avoiding me, though."

He huffs and grabs his spoon once again, distaste covering his expression.

"I'm not about to let Wook ruin everything."

She smiles shyly at his stubborn tone, which made him look more like a child than anything else. The tension leaving from her shoulders as they continue to eat in silence.

It takes a while before he speaks again, this time in a quiet and cautious manner.

"What do you feel for him now?" He looks hurt and she wants to go to him and ease his fear of rejection, but she remains seated before him. The small table between them seems like a thick wall, but she knows she'll only break it if they have a proper and open conversation.

She wants to answer 'nothing' to him. She wants to say that the 8th Prince does not even cross her mind, but she needs to be honest with him and with herself.

"Pity." She looks down coyly, clasping her hands together over the wood, "Guilt."

"Guilt?"

"I pushed him too far," she confesses in a quiet voice, "Because of me, he became greedy for the throne."

He chuckles without humor, making her look up to him.

"That's nonsense. Your hands are unable to destroy anything, Soo-yah," he comes a little bit closer and places one of his hands over her intertwined ones, "You heal. You soothe. I bet you even tried to help him. I bet you showed him another path, but he just couldn't listen."

She sighs, remembering her attempts to prevent a war from breaking into the palace, to stop a brother from killing another, to make history change its course, but failing miserably and having to watch it all fall apart.

"Not as much as I could have."

 _I could have prevented him by not being there from the beginning. Then things would have been different._

 _If I had stopped him, the late king Hwangjong could still be alive._

 _The 10th prince and his wife could still be alive._

 _Chae Ryung could still be alive._

 _You could be free._

 _Why didn't I realize it?_

She's doesn't realize she's deep lost in her thoughts until he clears his throat and starts to speak again, bringing her attention back to him, and she realizes he drew back his hand.

"Did you really love him?"

She shrugs miserably, wishing she could back to the day she came to Goryeo and stopping herself from taking a hand offered by an inspirational stranger. But just as the rest of her pile of regrets, she'll have to carry this one forever.

"I did. It was easy to fall for him," She remembers just how softly and unnoticeably he entered into her heart, "He was there when I lost my memories and didn't have a place in this world. He would treasure me and say sweet words. He made able to walk on my feet after I lost everything."

He nods quietly, absorbing her words in silence before speaking again.

"You know, when..." he starts slowly, choosing his words carefully, and she leans in closer, "When someone helps us, they become important to us. That person is called a friend."

She blinks in confusion at the feeling of familiarity with his words. Then the outrage settles and she frowns affronted when she understands what he's doing.

"Hey! Don't use my lines to mock at me!"

"I'm not mocking," he says with a deadpan serious face that only makes her think he's definitely mocking, "Really, I am not. I just think that you are getting confused over that difference, so I'm worried."

She keeps down the urge to throw a bowl at his head and stands up in a huff to leave.

"Have fun dinning alone."

She moves quickly towards the door, but he's faster than her and grabs her hand, laughing in a hysterical fit that she would find endearing in any other moment, and the teasing is almost too much for her. She struggles to break free, but only ends up back to the floor, sitting on his lap and captive to his embrace.

"Let me go." Her protests are weak to his iron strength, even though he's smiling like a little kid.

"I'm just surprised that you were trying to give me the advice that was meant to you."

"I loved him, okay?" she retorts angrily, but regretting it the instant his laugh diminishes and his eyes look a little bit more serious.

"Do you still?"

"No. For a long time now," She decides she can't really be angry or annoyed with him, and turns around to hug him, letting her head rest on his shoulder, her hand caressing his tied up hair, "Do you really think I would go to you while still loving another."

"Is that why you took so long?"

"Of course not," She flicks at his head at his provocation, but does not remove her hand away, "I needed time, I've told you that."

"Yeah, you did."

She can feel his smile and the way his arms wrap around her, but there is a vulnerability, and also and hesitation, inside of him, that if it wasn't for how well she knew the sensation - and him - she wouldn't have noticed. But she's tired of ignoring things that'll eventually come back even worse, so she pushes him back, just enough to be able to look at his face, but without breaking their contact.

"Is there anything you'd like to ask?"

He looks rather relieved than surprised for having her reading his mood and his mind, as if he was just waiting for her to give him permission.

"If it weren't for me," he speaks softly, not looking directly into her eyes, "If I hadn't come back to Songak, if I hadn't pushed you off my horse or if you hadn't seen my scar in the bath. If we had never met at all, do you think you would have been with him now?"

He's the ruler of a land, the most powerful man in the country. A thousand years in the future he'll be remembered and studied, the greatest king of a great nation. He's all of that, but he looks at her with such a timid expression, an hesitant smile and a little insecure, that it makes her remember of the young prince she first kissed by the lake.

She can't help but smile.

"Who knows? Maybe... Maybe not," she shrugs carefree, "But what I really think is, if it weren't for him, if he wasn't my cousin's husband, if I never lived in his house, then I would have been with you sooner."

The way his face brightens up is priceless, and she wishes she could see it happen over and over again.

"Do you love me that much?" He leans in forehead into hers, and this time she can't help but smile back at his teasing face.

"Yes, I love you that much, so don't ever forget that," She wraps her arms around his neck as she closes her eyes, "It is only you, Pyeha."

He laughs heartily out loud, and she soon joins him.

That night she does need to write any letters.

* * *

 **A\N: I know I said I wouldn't take long, and I'm sorry. Life hit me like a brick in the middle of a hurricane, and there was nothing I could do. Anyway, I'm back now, and hopefully this chapter didn't suck entirely. See you next chapter - whenever may it be.**

 **...**

 **Rito Dey  
** _ **Sorry for the delay, but hey! Look at them, they are happy! They are together!**_

 **...**

 **Daoine  
** _ **If only we could jump into the story and make characters realize it to... (Stick aroun, you might get to see So tear up YH)**_

 **...**

 **Clavel  
** _ **Soo is free now. Let's just hope Wook really keeps his distance.**_


	8. i need you to hold me now

**A\N: Yay! An update in less than three months! Miracles happen! Enjoy your reading!**

One of the things So misses from his time of bring a prince is the freedom to do his morning routine however he pleased to. As a king, however, he had to follow a series of rites and proceedings before he officially started the day, and that bored and annoyed him.

He still isn't comfortable to let anyone see his scar, so he has to do the make up part by himself before all of the court people barges into his room, or before he goes to the assembly meeting. Depending on how busy he is, he has to leave that step out and just hope that the make up does not fade until he retires himself back to his room.

All of that worry, however, could be avoided if Hae Soo listened to him and helped him to get ready in the morning. She could easily brush, comb and tie his hair up, dress him in his robes, and also properly clean and cover his scar.

Another thing he misses is being able to see Soo whenever he wants to.

She still stubbornly argues that she can't come to see him all the time, that it won't look good in the eyes of outsiders, that the ministers might even protest her presence in the palace, but that does not stop her from sneaking into the throne room whenever she feels like it.

He sighs, slightly frustrated, at how things are. He could very well order her to come to him when he wants to, he is king and no one would dare to question it. A decree would not oblige Hae Soo to do something she didn't want to, though, and the entire palace knew that. But sometimes he wishes she would come deliberately to his side, uncaring to the world outside them, acting egotistically to spend just a small time with him. That way he won't feel like a desperate kid, reaching out by himself.

The senior court lady has just finished collecting the products for his morning routine when the doors open and she walks gracefully in.

"I'm here to help the king," she bows and speaks softly, and he holds back a smile that would probably break his face.

The court lady turns to him, waiting for his dismissal. It is probably not a secret among the Damiwon court ladies, that, if he ever had the option, the king would always prefer to be treated by his woman.

"You may go." The woman quickly steps outside, but So can only see her and her smile.

She comes closer in silence, but still smiling, and he thinks his grin will tear his face up, but he doesn't mind.

"Have you been doing the make up correctly?" she takes the small pot by the side of the brushes and quickly inspects the contents, spreading it in the back of her hands, and he just wants her to turn back to him.

"Following your instructions strictly," He watches her expression to see if she's satisfied with how he prepared what she called concealer and happens to see faint dark circles under her eyes, and his smile falters in worry, "Have you been resting and eating properly?"

She chuckles, indifferent to the plea on his voice, but soon turns to him, as if she knew what he wanted, "Sleeping like a baby," she says in a clear effort to ease his preoccupation, "Eating from three to three hours. The heaviest thing I lifted was the teapot."

He is about to ask more, he wants to know more. What has she been eating? Has the doctor prescribed a new medicine? Have the herbs made any effect? Is she feeling any better than she felt the day before? Does she feel cold at night and wants company before going to bed? Should she be up and walking around the Damiwon?

He opens his mouth and is about to interrogate her when he feels her hands unraveling his hair and massaging his scalp. He can't help but relax into her hands and let her scrub his worries away.

So always feel like he could sleep forever whenever she spreads the oils on his hair. However, he is always reminded that he can't whenever she takes the comb to untangle the occasional knots.

He winces at a particular painful one, breathing out in relief when it's gone, and slowly opens his eyes to watch her reflection in the mirror before them. Instead of finding her usual apologetic expression, that she always used when his hair was in a difficult day, he sees that she is smiling in amusement.

He scoffs, "What? Are you enjoying yourself?"

She blinks in surprise, taken out of her contemplation. The confusion only lasts for a second though, and soon she understands his annoyance and laughs with mirth.

"I just remembered of Oh Sanggung and how she used to brush the late king Taejo's hair," she explains in a happy tone. Her mind is set on a happy memory, and he knows it, but it damps his mood slightly.

"Is that really the time…," he mumbles and she laughs again, her hands busy, finding more knots to exterminate.

"What?" Her smile gets bigger than the one from before he interrupted her reveries, and there's no way he can be in a bad mood after seeing the way she glows, "I'll have you know I think this is very romantic…"

He chuckles at her silly notion of romantic, but at the same wondering if he had asked her to marry him while she combed his hair, she would have said yes.

Then he wonders about his father, who married many women - and almost Hae Soo as well - but could only ever remember and love the Sanggung of the Damiwon, and he thinks he can understand the reason of her goofy smile.

At the same time, though, he wonders about Taejo, who let one of his concubines down too many times, because he just couldn't get rid of one of his queens.

"I'm not my father, Soo-yah," he says in a soft voice and her smile grows larger.

"I know that," She places her hand over his shoulder in a delicate touch, and leans closer to him so this time she looks directly into his eyes, "I know."

He takes advantage of the easy reach she placed her hand into, and slowly brings his own around it, pulling it down carefully.

"Good," he smiles sweetly at her, "Because my father would never do this." He quickly brings her hand to his lips and presses a kiss in its back, then another in the curve of her wrist, then another in the faint scar of her forearm, then another and another and another.

He manages to reach until the inner part of her elbow before she yanks free, her eyes bulged in indignation and her cheeks flushed, "Pyeha!" she shouts and he can't hold back the laughter.

She pouts in annoyance and takes her hands away from his reach.

"It was just a demonstration," he explains in a hurry, trying to make her smile again.

"A demonstration?" He catches something in her tone, and feels she'll join him and smile again, "Like, Oh Sanggung would never do this?"

Before he can ask what she meant he feels the strong pull on his hair, the sharp pain on the lower part of the back of his hand, and he yelps in hurt and surprise.

"Yah! Now you're just being violent," he protests, and she laughs alone this time, "Remember, we're aiming for a romantic scene here," She laughs even harder and when he notices, he's laughing with her.

This time she doesn't protest when he pulls her closer, his arms wrapping around her waist, her head leaning down to meet his.

A few extra minutes after, she's finished his hair and is cleaning his face before applying a new layer of makeup. He wants to, but he won't dare to say she would be much more comfortable sitting on his lap rather than leaning down to properly see his face.

He feels peaceful like this, with her fingers slowly working on his scar, her lips pursed in concentration, and he wants to only look at her forever. He felt like this when she first touched his face, and he feels that now.

To make this moment any more perfect, she would have to marry him.

"Bring me tea today?" He knows it's a selfish request. She shouldn't, but he doesn't care. If he can't marry her, he'll find any other way to have her near him.

"I thought there was a court lady assigned to do that already," He feels the hesitation in her voice, and tries to break with a challenging smile.

"Would that stop you?"

"I don't think it's proper…"

"Please…," he tries her strategy and lets his face fall and his lips pout. It's an undignified expression for a king, but if he gets her to go to him in the afternoon, he doesn't mind it.

"Oh, fine!" He smiles in victory at her exasperated surrender, "Just don't make this face again."

.

.

.

.

"Announcing the entrance of Hwangbo Hwanghu."

Any other day So would have sighed and braced himself for what she would say. Any other day and he would feel a wall heaving over his shoulders. But that was to any other day, and that particular day was going too well for his mood to be damped by the presence of the queen.

"What is it that you wish?" He manages to speak with a soft - and almost hidden - smile, while she tries to maintain a regal and steady posture.

"Greetings, Pyeha. I have come in the name of the Hwangbo clan to properly thank you for preserving the life of our 8th Prince Wang Wook, even though he committed a deadly crime. Your mercy and benevolence are endless, Pyeha."

Yeon Hwa's bow is elegant and graceful. But she does not kneel. She would never kneel. She liked to be above everyone else, even if the person in question was the king of the nation.

She would not bow, but he could certainly bring her attitude down if he played well.

"I appreciate the gesture and the feeling of the Hwangbo household, Hwanghu. However, my mercy and benevolence are not the ones responsible for preserving the life of your brother," He turns to Hae Soo, standing beside him, trying hard to look composed, but failing at it the second he says her name, "Since you wish so much to properly thank for the 8th prince's lenient sentence, you should say it to the Lady Hae Soo, who begged for his life on her knees and thus, saved him."

He tries not to smile with satisfaction at the way Yeon Hwa's eyes bulge and her brow frowns immediately, chest inflating in a challenging manner, and her cheeks getting slightly flushed.

 _You will properly thank her, with bow and all, before your entourage of ministers and allies, and before your king. You will do it now, because you can't ignore a king's command in front of all those people._

 _You will do it, and when those people leave the palace today, they will all remember you placed a court lady above you._

His eyes pierce into hers, waiting for her iron pride to bend. Casually reminding her of her real place.

The queen's bow is not as graceful as before, but it is a bow, and even though it is not of big importance, nor does it compensate for all the ill she has brought upon Hae Soo, it is the end of the world for her, and he knows it. Hae Soo knows it.

It is just a bow, but he savors the moment nevertheless.

After the door closes behind the flustered and angered queen, though, he lets his laugh fill up the empty throne room.

"Your timing is just amazing," he manages to tell Hae Soo, who's still frozen in her place in a stupor and shock, eyes wide in confusion, but a small smile threatening to show up in the corner of her lips.

"I didn't beg on my knees."

"But she doesn't that. It's something you would do anyway, let her believe you did."

"Wait, did you know she would come?"

He's still laughing when he shakes his head, "I just wanted to see you for a moment today. But I'm really glad she decided to join us," he speaks in a tone he never would when speaking about his wife, then he adds thoughtfully, "Should I have asked for you to sit beside me?"

"Pyeha!"

"What? It serves her well."

She rolls her eyes in a mix of indignation and exasperation, but he knows she is just as pleased as he is for seeing the queen's angry and vexed expression. And as she starts to take away the cups and the teapot, he can't help but hope to one day see Soo beating Yeon Hwa just like she did with Eun. That would be funnier to watch than any bowing he could force her to do.

"Will I see you tonight?" Her voice brings him out of his very fertile imagination and back to hard reality.

"I have to go trough some reports tonight," he says in a tired voice, "It'll take long, so just go to bed early."

"Alright," she complies and continues to carefully place the pottery on her tray, making him raise an eyebrow in suspicion.

"I mean it!" He looks pointedly at her, fearing she'll just ignore this request just like she did the others, "If I go to my chambers in the middle of the night and find you asleep on the floor again, I'll start to lack at my work and Goryeo will fall! The entire nation's well-being depends on you!"

She laughs and this time jokingly rolls her eyes, and he feels relieved for learning from her how to make dramatic speech.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Pyeha." She bows before leaving and he's smiling once again.

.

.

.

.

Time passes swiftly for him, and is not only because Hae Soo is by his side, even though he feels more at ease to have her company at night, and life does not feel as dreadful as it did before. The nightmares of his life in Shinju haunt him a little less, and the throne is a much bearable burden. However, he feels that he is finally being able to start his changes to the nation. He spends more nights working on the stability of the borders, restoring peace between the clans and growing the strength of his rule.

On the other side, having to administrate properly the progress of the nation meant more time in the throne room with Ji Mong or any other minister, sometimes during the whole night, and less time with Hae Soo.

That night is one of those. He sighs tiredly, rubbing his eyes as he walks alone around the dark garden, hoping to relieve his mind and breathe some fresh air. As always, he ends up wandering to the lake, near the margin where he took her to watch the stars years ago, and is rewarded with the most beautiful sight.

The full moon reflects on her ivory skin, her hair is down and loose around her shoulders, and she's wrapped in an embroidered blanket. She most likely couldn't sleep and left her room to do the same thing as he did. It is dark, but she seems to shine near the dark water. And even though it's too late for her to be still up, he is actually happy to find her.

"How did you manage to avoid the patrols to come here?" He stands behind her and she looks over her shoulder with a smug smile.

"A young man I knew told me their routes once."

"That was so nice of him."

"He was just trying to find a way to court me," she shrugs and turns her head back, "Didn't know when to give up. It was really bothersome."

He laughs and sits beside her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and pulling her closer to his chest.

"Can you be outside?"

"It's not that cold today," she says, but still snuggles up to his chest, looking for warmth, and wrapping her arm around his waist when she finds a comfortable position, "And I'm with a blanket. I'll be fine."

"Still, is pretty risky to come here just to watch stars."

She huffs and looks up to him, "Who's watching stars here?"

"No?"

"I came to see the lake."

"The lake?"

She chuckles when he blinks in confusion, and then looks back to the placid water before them. He does the same and just enjoys her touch as he listens to her voice.

"It feels peaceful, no? Watching it at night it seems to last forever and never end. It makes me feel like I'll last forever as well."

He remembers when she said she knew he wouldn't die, just before his first brother became king, and he felt immortal.

"That seems good," he whispers close to her temple, "Lasting forever."

He's about to carry her away, take her on his arms and go back inside, when she moves and starts speaking.

"There's a story I heard a long time ago," He settles down and lets her voice calm him, "A woman who lost everything stood by a lake, very much like this one, as she contemplated on how everything in her life was going wrong…"

"Why did she have to go to a lake to contemplate?" He can't help the curiosity that hits him, and he feels her falter at his question.

"I don't know. But if she doesn't go there, then the story doesn't happen."

"Why is the lake so important?"

"Do you want to hear the story?"

He knows he has annoyed her when her soft voice gets a little rash, and her warm touch gains a little bit of aggression, so smiles like the cute little boy he is to avoid violence.

"The woman was by the lake, contemplating on how everything had gone wrong with her life, when she fell into it."

"How did she fall?"

Soo's expression of frustration and dismay is completely adorable, but So is not about to say that out loud.

"How is that important?" She has moved away, and turned around to face him in exasperation, and he struggles to keep her closer and in his arm's reach.

"Was it an accident, an attack or an act of despair?"

"Do you really need a reason for her to fall in the lake?"

"No one falls in a lake for no reason."

"Well, maybe she slipped, maybe her envious colleague pushed her, maybe she wanted to swim or do something stupid like save someone drowning, I'll let you decide."

He decides not to decide on anything, and to finally let her finish the story, so he stops smiling and nods solemnly.

"Go on."

"She fell in the lake, but no matter what, she could not go back to the surface. So she accepted her fate, and sank slowly to the bottom, waiting for death to come. But death never came." He waits, completely silent, for the outcome, looking attentively to her wistful expression.

"Instead," Soo continues, "she found a new world underwater…"

He does not mean to interrupt her again, but his proclaim of indignation is too strong for him to contain it.

"Now, that's just too unrealistic!"

"I'm sorry, when did I say it was going to be logical? I'm just telling you a story I heard a long time ago. Now keep quiet.

"She found a new world underwater," she repeats, and looks to the placid lake before them, "In a way, it looked like our world up here. But it had a different culture and different costumes. In the beginning, she tried to come back, she thought everything was weird and she could not fit in that place. However, she learned how to live there, she made friends, and even found a new family. She became one with the people there. And she no longer thought her presence was a burden."

He waits until he's sure she finished her story to make any comments, turning his eyes from her to the reflection of the moon on the lake and he smiles.

"That's a nice story," he whispers and he feels her nod as she leans back into him.

"Makes you wish life was this easy to fix…"

There's a note of longing in her voice, and when he looks down, he sees the earn in her eyes and starts to feel slightly wary, "Are you thinking about leaving me behind and finding a new world to yourself in the underwater?"

She laughs out loud, and even though she's laughing at him, he can't help but smile.

"It's just a story, Pyeha," she speaks as if he were a child, but he doesn't mind, "Besides, I've tried it before. Didn't work."

His mind automatically starts to picture the moment. A young Hae Soo wearing her old colorful outfits walking down into the water, holding her breath and waiting to be dragged to the fantasy world until she couldn't breath anymore.

Then he notices that it is not an imagined scenario he's playing in his mind, but actually a memory.

"Wait," he nudges her shoulder, turning her attention to him, "is that what you were trying to do when you were spying on the princes bathing?"

She blinks and opens her mouth in surprise, stuttering before she manages to speak an understandable sentence.

"I don't know," she says in a tone that most definitely means that she knows, "I lost my memory, remember?"

"But what about the other time, when you saw my scar?" He inquires with a curious tone, cornering her into giving an answer.

She stutters in embarrassment again and he has to hold his laugh to not make her angry, until she crosses her arms in a sign of stubbornness and pouts.

"Well, maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. You'll never know for sure."

He laughs then, pulling her closer again, arms crossed and all, and rests his chin on the top of her head. He imagines a different world, with an entire different tradition. He thought about a place he wouldn't have to carry such a heavy burden like the throne, but where he could live freely with Hae Soo, married and with children and everything else.

"It would be nice to go there," he wishes and prays for a place they could run away too, where everything wasn't as messed up as Goryeo.

As they silently watch the moonlit lake, he hopes this wish may one day become true, and he allows himself to ignore the urge to shield her from everything just this time and not to carry her to his room, so not to interrupt this moment.

After a while he feels her arms wrapping around his, her hand finding his, and their fingers lacing tightly. Before he can say anything, she starts speaking again.

"There's also an alternative ending to the story, but I don't like it that much."

He does not say anything, but he does turn to look at her face, still watching the lake, and waits for her to continue, "The woman, after having settled down, established a family and found happiness, was walking around her new home when she felt herself drifting upwards, as if something in the surface was pulling her up. She tried to fight it, because she wanted to stay in the underwater world. But then she felt water filling up her lungs and she lost consciousness, and disappeared."

So waits for a conclusion, for a more concrete ending, hopefully a light at the end of the tunnel for the woman, or at least a clear and definitive demise, but gets confused when he doesn't get any.

"What happened to her?" He inquires, already deciding that he does not like this ending of the story as well.

"Who knows?" She shrugs and tries to sound indifferent, but he feels the way her grip gets stronger with fear, "Maybe she went back to her previous world. Maybe she just died. It doesn't matter. She had lost everything again. And she had left behind the only thing she did not wish to..." She looks at him and opens her mouth, as if she's trying to say something when, all of a sudden, she starts to cry.

He's lost as what to do, not understanding why she has burst out in tears and suddenly sobbing while grabbing his robes, so he just holds her shoulder, trying to comfort her and comprehend her at the same time.

"I do not wish to leave you either." Her voice breaks his heart and confuses him even more. He can't stand her crying.

"Soo-yah…" He wants to ask many things all at once. Why is she crying? Why is she talking about leaving him? How can he make her stop crying? What does she need? Does she want to come inside? Does she want anything at all?

However, he can only watch in despair as her cry gets louder and louder, growing more and more unsettle, as her words start to make less and less sense to him.

"Forgive me, Pyeha," she whispers among the tears, "Forgive me."

.

.

.

.

His world is torn.

His world is broken and colorless, as he slips through the cracks and dissolves into nothing. There is only the void around him and the silence. The nothing staring back at him as he feels himself falling farther and farther away. Everything around him has ceased to have meaning, and they can't make sense anymore.

His heart also stopped beating, and is cold and dry like a stone, making his chest ache, making him sink even more in the state of oblivion and nothingness. His heart is dead, and refuses to come back to life, and his lungs stopped working long ago.

His eyes focus on her, though, his ears trying to grasp all of her words, and part of him still screams that it's a lie, it must be a lie, because even though he understands what she's saying, there's no way that it is true. It can't be true.

He feels her hands touching his face, her warmth coming to him, but he remains cold. He doesn't know when or how they came into her room, but he still feels like he's watching the endless lake and is trapped in an infinite state of loss. Because he is lost, but he's not sure he wishes to be found and brought back to reality.

"Pyeha…" Her voice is filled with worry, and that only serves to confuse him even more, because she shouldn't be worried, not in the state she is. He's the one who has to take care of her and protect her from all harm.

Even though he's already failed at that.

Her arms wrap around his neck, and he feels her bury his head on her neck. He's surrounded by her smell, and he feels her heart beating, her weak heart, already failing, already dying.

Because it is true, and he can't escape from reality.

He tries to find his voice. His arms enlacing around her waist, trying to bring her closer to him, "How long have you known?"

"A while now…" she answers after an instant of hesitation.

"Soo-yah!" he pulls her face away to look into her eyes, "How long?"

She averts his eyes, looking to everywhere but him, and winces when answering in a small voice.

"Before your wedding."

"All this time…"

He pictures her alone, sitting in the Damiwon all day, praying before her towers. Then Chae Ryung and Woo Hee passing away, Baek Ah leaving the palace. Their relationship falling apart, then erratic restoration. So much that has happened in the short span of a few months, and all of that time, he would have never imagined that she was dying.

He only notices that he has stood up when he feels her grab his robes, trying to stop him from walking away.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner!" her voice is desperate and her eyes have that begging glint that he has to fight to ignore, "The things between us were so messed up. I just couldn't… Please, don't be mad!"

"Don't be mad? But of course I'll be mad! You tell me you're dying and don't want me to be mad?"

"Pyeha…" She stands up and closer to him, but he holds her away by her shoulders.

"Is that why you asked to leave?"

She sighs, placing her hands over his, before answering, "No."

"Then is that why you decided to stay?"

"No, it wasn't it."

"But you knew then. When you came to me in the prayer tower and told me you'd stay, you knew you were dying, and yet you said you wouldn't leave me…"

"Pyeha…"

"You said you wouldn't leave me!"

He doesn't care how he sounds, if he's being whiny or unfair. He doesn't care if he's throwing a fit. He just wants the world to stop and make sense again, he just wants to find a way to fix this.

Her arms come around him again, pulling him closer by his waist, burying her face in his back.

"If the heavens decided I'm not to stay long, who am I to oppose? What would I do?"

He holds her untangled hands, angry at the heavens and at life itself. Angry that after all that she went through she still has to fight the illness.

"How did you manage to live like this?"

"I just had to."

"You should have told me."

"I couldn't have."

Then it's his turn to break down. He hadn't noticed he was about to, but he suddenly can't hold his tears back. His body bends and he falls down to his knees.

He suddenly can't breathe, he can't think. He can't do anything except cry and cry and the stone that replaced his heart seems to grow bigger and the weight is dragging him down again. He is being dragged to the void again, a place where nothing exists, not even himself.

He doesn't mind it. Compared to live an entire lifetime without Hae Soo, not existing is a much better option.

He doesn't know how long he spends crying, nor if he's being quiet or loud, but he's aware of her, of her hands coming to hold his face and wipe his tears, her arms trying to calm him down, her words trying to comfort him. But he does not want his tears to disappear, he does not wish to calm down or to be comforted.

He just wants to wake up and find out all of this is a bad dream.

After his storm passes, she's still there, still holding him and drying his face from his tears. Still bringing him comfort and calming his heart, even though she's the one who suffers the most.

His head is resting on her lap and she tries to calm him down by caressing his head. It takes a while, but he manages to speak in a rough voice, his throat is a sandpaper.

"You must have cried a lot alone." She doesn't say anything, but she nods affirmatively, her hands focused in stroking his hair, "Do you still have to cry some more?"

She smiles bitterly, and nods negatively, "I'm fine, Pyeha. It's you I'm worried about."

He scoffs with incredulity to the woman before him. He places one hand on her wrist, and looks carefully at her.

"Is this really happening? There's no way to stop it?" At her negative sign he sits up, his sorrow giving place to determination and conviction, "I refuse. I'll talk to the doctor. He'll be tasked to find a cure for you."

"Don't," she says in urgency, but that is not enough to dishearten him, "If you do that my illness will be revealed, and you're not stable enough should the nobles throw a blow using me."

"Then I'll send Baek Ah to find someone," he says in a resolute tone.

"He's not even in the palace."

"He'll do it for you. Maybe he can find someone. I refuse to give up, Soo-yah!" At the lack of more alternatives, his voice cracks again in exhaustion and debilitation, "Otherwise, what will we do?"

"Maybe there's nothing we can do," She takes a deep breath, a melancholic smile returning to her lips, "I just want to spend all my lasting years with you."

He feels his heart shattering again, a sharp pain in his chest when he thinks about how short is the span of years they'll have, and how much he had wished for them to grow old together. Now he can only hope for peace as the countdown begins.

"Don't say it like that," he hugs her and brings her closer, burying his face on her neck again, and holds back the tears.

He allows himself to give in and savors her smell and her warmth, wondering how he'll manage to survive when she's gone.

 **A\N: Phew. This was both fun and hard to write. Sorry for not saving Soo from a terminal disease, nor for killing off Yeon Hwa (at least for now), and for being a sadistic writer. I feed on the tears of people, do not trust me. But hey, fluff!**

 **Clavel**

 ** _So and Soo sticking together is my life - and I love strong united couples, so yeah, let's keep working on that (thanks for the cookies, they were delicious)_**

 **Rito Dey**

 ** _Hmm, So and Soo at peace? Married? Yeon Hwa not in the palace anymore? Interesting..._**

 **5427869**

 ** _Thanks a lot! I'm glad you liked it. Hope I didn't hurt you too much with this update._**


	9. you have one wing, i have another

**A/N: There ya go! Sorry for being late after saying I wouldn't be late. Again. Real life got really hectic and took me by surprise. But I'm here now, and I'm not making any promises. I did, however, just polished and finished the timeline, so now I know where I'm going.** **Anyway, enjoy your reading and I hope you like this new chapter.**

* * *

When Baek Ah left the palace, he never thought he'd come back so soon.

Of course, three months weren't that little of a period of time, but compared to the years he expected to be away, a few months were a brief travel.

However, no matter how much time spent by, he despised the way the gates made him feel trapped, how the walls made him feel enclosed, and how the people in there made him wary.

He was a prince, but all the memories in the hallways and the courtyards made him want to leave again. To run like a madman towards the gate and walk away and as further as he could possibly go until the place became only a bad memory. To make everything disappear and avoid thinking about all of the darkness that surrounded the place.

He would have never returned at all if it weren't for the last two friends he had in there.

"Announcing the 13th Prince," the voice of the eunuch resonates through the throne room, and soon Baek Ah soon finds himself standing before the king.

His brother is thinner than he remembered, his skin paler than before, contrasting more with his black robes. His eyes are tired, and his expression is beaten down. He has dark circles under his eyes, and looks completely devastated, and Baek Ah wishes he could go up and hug him.

Instead, he falls down on his knees.

"Forgive me, Pyeha." He remembers when he last knelt on the very same floor, and wonders how their lives got so warped.

"Stand up," the king says and he does so, and he sees that his smile is weak and bitter, "You don't have to ask for forgiveness. I just clung on a thin thread. It wasn't even a royal command."

He cannot keep his head up, even after hearing his kind words, "But it was a favor for a brother and a friend," he says, still not looking into his eyes, "I feel powerless."

"That makes two of us," he sighs in exhaustion, looking defeated for a while, but then he takes a deep breath and seems to recover himself a little bit, "Come with me. I'd like to have some fresh air for a while."

He follows his brother in silence, walking through empty hallways, their footsteps sounding louder in the quietness that settles around them. His entourage of court ladies and eunuchs is absent, and before he knows it, they are walking towards the garden, and away from the throne room.

"Is it okay to leave the responsibilities like that?" He can't but wonder out loud, not wanting people to think the king was lacking because of his powerless brother.

He sighs in frustration this time, rolling his eyes as he complains, "You and Soo keep nagging me about responsibilities… I'm king, I do whatever I want to do."

The whining is completely unexpected and Baek Ah starts to laugh without noticing.

"Sorry," he says when he manages to catch his breath, and So huffs, "You're right."

After his laughter dies the silence comes back again, and so do the miserable and intrusive thoughts. He wants to talk about Hae Soo, but he doesn't know for sure if it's the best moment - if there will ever be a better moment - and at the same time he doesn't know if he should wait for this brother to speak first.

If there's anyone suffering the most right now, that would be him.

Eventually, they stop walking and Baek Ah notices that they are under a gazebo. He looks up to the man beside him, but he continues to look forward, so he just waits.

"Forgive me for telling the news like I did," the king finally says, referring to a letter Baek Ah received a while ago with a short paragraph giving him dreadful news, and how his heart sank like a stone, even though he believed he'd be prepared for anything that ever came to him, "I'm sure asking you to come and tell you in person would be better, but…"

"But time was the essence, right?"

He nods in a silent agreement to Beak Ah's words, and manages to look even gloomier than before.

"Soo only found out I had told you two weeks ago," He looks down to his feet, sounding a little guilty and he breathes deeply again, "She wasn't very happy that I asked you to search all the corners of the nation and the neighboring countries for a cure."

He can picture a mad and fuming Hae Soo scolding and nagging endlessly at his older brother, speaking incessantly how she never wanted to be a bother to anyone, even though she should, and how he has to give a break to others and he can smile for a moment.

"She should know that I would have gone, with or without your request."

"She does," So smiles as well, and the melancholy dissipates for a short second, "Actually, she forgave me quite quickly."

A second thought invades his mind and he can't help but wonder silently. His apprehension and concern, however, is enough for him voice his thoughts.

"So you two are good now?" he looks wary, because this is always a sensitive topic, but his brother unaffected and unfazed look reassures him.

"We're doing fine, despite everything. A few bumps here and there." His brother seems to want to leave the matter at that, but then he looks sideways to him and decides to elaborate, "I guess you know what happened to Wook."

Baek Ah nods solemnly, still lamenting that the 8th prince escaped from his punishment, even though he was his brother.

 _Fairer people did not have a fairer sentence._

"I knew she had to do something with his penalty." Because Hae Soo can't stand people dying and being put to death, be it a good or a bad man, "But was it true? The hawk?"

"He was guilty of treason. If the hawk was his doing or not is of little consequence."

"I was sure you'd kill him. How did Hae Soo convince you otherwise?"

Baek Ah had many theories, some too unrealistic to be true, others not really likeable. The king's temper and anger were a force to be reckoned with, and not even Hae Soo's lectures could stop him when his mind was set up to do something.

But then the man's eyes get darker and he looks at him with suspicion.

"I'm sure you know about them," he says in a tone that does not leave a doubt of what he's implying and Baek Ah gasps.

"She told you?"

"Was I really the only one who didn't about it?"

"One of the few who didn't, yeah."

"But why?"

Why indeed? That's one question Baek Ah can never completely understand. Why would she deliberately hide such a big issue, that could blow up in a much larger proportion? Why would she conceal something that, if used by the wrong person, could destroy everything she had been fighting for?

He can't understand her reasoning, but he knows what she would say right now, and that's better than having a debate about love.

"Hae Soo said something about not wanting to make things between you worse. And also something about you killing him," Baek Ah still is not sure if that part was actually true or not, "Other than that, I'm sure she's over him now."

"You think?" He doesn't like how his brother sounds so insecure and vulnerable, so he sighs anticipating a long conversation.

"You two have been together for years now. And even before that she already had feelings for you," He cogitates the idea of charging every time he has to intervene in his brother's love life or give love advices, "You're not thinking she still longs for him, are you?"

Baek Ah knows his fourth brother sees the reason behind his words, and that he's able to follow his line of thought, even though it doesn't make him happy. It frustrates So how complicated, and simultaneously simple, things are in the romantic department, and he smiles at his pout. He can't help but to think that the king looks kind of silly when he's about to throw a tantrum. Or at least until said king bursts out his thoughts.

"Now I just wish she had fallen for you instead."

It's not the first time he hears this ridiculous idea, but just like before he chokes with his own breath, and fails to pull himself together.

"Wh-what? Hyungnim!"

"What? At least I wouldn't be this irritated, then."

"Why?"

"I don't despise you," he answers as if that explains everything, and changes the subject before Baek Ah can ask for further clarification, "Why did she even love him?"

There are two answers to this, a short and a long one, but there's no way his brother would be satisfied with either, so he tries to evade the question by being vague, "Well, she didn't love _love_ him, you know."

Probably Hae Soo had tried to do this previously, because he sighs and looks up as if praying for patience.

"Not you too with the different kinds of love," he exclaims and Baek Ah decides for the long answer.

"But they are different." Forgetting the decision to evade love discussions he tries to be as clear as possible so his brother cannot rebuke him, "Just like I loved Myung Hee-nui differently from how I loved Woo Hee. Think how you never thought you could love Hae Soo before you got to know who she really was. And the way you felt for her before is similar but not completely the same as you do now. The problem with her and our 8th brother was that she fell in love before actually knowing him. Sure, you can call it love, some weak and pathetic version of it, but the roots weren't deep enough and, eventually, it withered and died. You two are more like an Oak, unshakeable by the storm. And that's what is love. What true, actual and real love is."

When the king doesn't say anything Baek Ah thinks he finally understood. That now his best friends will stop being stubborn and just be happy together while they still can. That now stupid discussions about love and romance will be over and they will focus on more important and pressing matters.

The man looks at him silently, and then he nods quietly to himself, as if repeating Baek Ah's word in his mind.

"That was a nice speech," So says in a contemplative voice, "Still doesn't make me feel better. Did you know they almost got married?"

"Really? She didn't tell me that." His shock makes him immediately forget how the man disregarded his argument. He suspected something like that happened, but knowing it for a fact was something else.

"Apparently I messed up their plans by asking her to the late king Taejo and then by being poisoned."

"And then by making her fall for you." Baek Ah thinks on the way things work and how much had changed between them and he sighs in an amusing contemplation, before making sure things are okay, "You're not angry at her, are you? Did you fight again because of that?"

"No, I'm not," the king groans, "I just told you we were fine."

There is a hidden request in his voice to just let the matter be, but there are still a few questions unanswered.

"Does he know about her condition?" Baek Ah asks carefully once again and his brother scoffs in distaste.

"I don't care about anything that may come to him. If does or if he doesn't, it's not important. He can't leave his house and she won't go there. They'll never meet again."

He lets the silence sink for a while before asking another dangerous question, "Does our 14th brother know?"

"Let's not talk about them," his brother half pleads, half commands and Baek Ah decides to drop it before he starts to feel more miserable or completely angry.

"Alright, then."

He turns his eyes back to the lake, but before he can ask something else, So touches his shoulder lightly, nodding to a different direction, calling Baek Ah's attention to the woman walking through fields of flowers, looking way smaller in the distance.

"She came to see you," So comments and she starts to wave at them from a distance as if that was her cue, "You should go to her, she shouldn't be walking around like this."

The chilly wind of the end of an afternoon fall is not cold enough to make them shiver, but he knows her hanbok in quite thin to be any good protection, and Hae Soo does not have a coat with her, so he starts to worry as well. He rushes to go to her quickly and then stops and turns around when he notices his brother does not move.

"You're not coming?"

"I'll talk to both of you later. I have a lot of responsibilities."

"Yeah, I think that's what Hae Soo will say."

"Just go."

He begins to rush away again, but a doubt crosses his mind and he turns around to ask for advice.

"Wait, how do I talk to her?" He knows is a stupid question the moment he finishes it and his brother scoffs.

"Like always, or she'll hit you."

.

.

.

.

"Wangjanim! You're back!" Any other woman wouldn't have hugged him, but Hae Soo isn't any other woman, so jumps at him and laughs heartily as her arms wrap around him. "It's great to see you!"

"I'm sorry for taking so long."

She backs away from the hug, still smiling, but with eyes full of reproach.

"I thought you would stay away for at least a year," she sighs and shakes her head, "You are going against your plan, Pyeha shouldn't have asked you to come back."

"Yes, he should. And you should as well," his smile fades as he speaks in reproval, "I can't believe you had a terminal heart condition and didn't tell me."

Her eyes glint with sadness and he feels miserable again.

"You'd feel worse by leaving if I did," she explains calmly, and he knew she would say that, so he can't be mad at that.

"I felt worse when I came back."

That may show in his eyes because she smiles softly at him, and her voice gets that so comforting maternal tone.

"Why feel bad when you are not to blame and you can't stop it?" She's able to speak as if she's not going to die in a few years and there's nothing they can do to help.

He sighs, unable to continue the argument and just follows her lead. Starting to walk towards the hallways of the palace, where the wind does not hit them.

"And how is my brother?"

"I'm sure you just spoke with him."

"And I'm sure he's keeping a good appearance. How is he?"

Soo hesitates before answering. She looks down at her feet and sighs miserably, as if trying to find kinder words.

"He was devastated at first," she answers in a sad voice, "Then he was in denial. He's coming to terms slowly, but he's better now. He's strong, he'll be fine."

"What about you?" At his question she smiles brightly, even though her eyes are still teary.

"As long as I can be with him, I'm fine. Be it a long or a short time."

"But I know you wish to be with him longer."

Her smile fades and she shrugs in defeat.

"What can I do? There's a lot of things I wish I could do, but I have to accept the way things are. It's the only way."

Baek Ah doesn't have any words that comfort or counsel her, so he controls the tears that fight to come down and remains in silence.

He refuses her offer to send someone to prepare a bath for him, but sits down in the Damiwon to have tea, hoping it will help him to relax.

Hae Soo can't stand silence so she starts conversations from the most mundane topics, and lightened all of the others so they could talk. She asked about his travels, what he'd seen and done, who he had met and where he had gone to. Then she would start to talk about things in the palace, who had married whom, the court ladies that left and the newcomers who always had a little trouble to understand the soap making process - which eventually led her to describe the whole soap making process -, she also mentions visiting Eun's grave and hoping to one day visit her Unnie.

Baek Ah doesn't mind a bit. For a few moments he can listen to Hae Soo blabbing and pretend there's nothing wrong at all.

After the court ladies leave with the empty cups and they are alone once again, she puts an envelope nonchalantly in the top of the table. The movement would have passed unnoticed if he wasn't looking down to the furniture.

He looks up at her, the question already forming on his lips, but she speaks before he can.

"I still think Pyeha shouldn't have asked you to come back, but I'm glad you are here," her tone changes a little and she speaks gravely, even though her smile is bright and sweet, "You have a great timing."

He recalls her promise to ask for him whenever she needed him to, and the little side comment that she might do it soon. He didn't understand at the time, but now that he thinks about it, he concludes that Hae Soo has been planning something to do amidst all of this drama.

He wonders what any of it is related to the sealed letter that she slides to him, but he doesn't touch it just yet.

"Was that what you meant? Were you going to ask me to find a cure?"

"Not quite, even though it had something to do with my illness," he waits for an explanation, but she evades his eyes and evades his question, "It doesn't matter anymore. Things changed. I'll explain later, but you arrived at a perfect moment."

He takes the letter slowly, but does not open it. He looks back at her and tries to come up with a solution for all of their problems. Something that will ease the helplessness of his friends, put an end to this twisted nightmare and make things the way they should have been.

He wants a miracle so he doesn't have to see what's in her letter.

"I can look some more."

"Don't," he stills at her voice and the way her command slips from her lips. She takes a deep breath, looking out to the pale green fields, seeming to get lost in the vision as she muses out loud, "I can feel it already. Death. When my deadline was given to me, I felt dread and fear; sadness for those I'd have to leave behind. But now it's more than that. Now it's this coldness spreading from my fingertips. It's this void growing inside of me. A shadow getting closer, as my light flickers helplessly," she smiles again, but this time is with sadness and melancholy, "I'm waning, Baek Ah-nim. I'm getting weaker as the hours pass by, and I fear the day all of me is gone."

"Soo-yah…" He tries to find something to say that could make her feel better, feel lighter and hopeful, but she shakes her head softly, defeat clear in her face.

"There's no cure, Wangjanim…" her eyes are glassy when she looks at him, but she doesn't cry, "This is not a crisis, nor a temporary illness. This is the end, and it's getting closer."

.

.

.

.

"You're still stiff," his brother comments pointedly. And even though he does not look at him, it's obvious who he's talking about.

Baek Ah swallows quietly, remembering how meals with him after his coronation always had this kind of atmosphere and how he always felt intimidated when his brother was sitting with all of his regal aura beside him.

He should have escaped from Hae Soo's casual conversations before the king joined them for dinner, but it's too late now.

"You're still king," he replies in the most respectful voice he has. The older man clearly doesn't get satisfied with this, as he sighs and looks at him with an exasperated look.

Before Baek Ah can apologize for committing a deadly crime for the fourth time, though, Hae Soo intervenes brightly, chastising his brother.

"Don't be hard on him," she puts her hand over his forearm, squeezing a little bit in what Baek Ah can't know for sure if it's a reassurance hold or a reprimanding one. Probably both, "Not everyone can be as irreverent as I am."

Not even Soo's warmth seems to lighten up So's mood, and Baek Ah feels guilty for bringing more worries to them. "After all we've been through, I hoped at least this wouldn't change," he says in a dejected voice, making Baek Ah's heart sink a little bit.

He opens his mouth to try to fix things, at least a little. He fights the intimidation that emanates from the mighty man beside him, resists the submissive impulse that came from years of practice and etiquette, remembers how easy it was to talk to him just a few hours before and focus on his brother's needs right now.

He opens his mouth to make things better for them, so they can have a nice evening meal, but he's cut before he even starting to speak.

"Try teasing him a little bit more," Hae Soo says with a big smile, "He will lose up eventually."

"He might end up leaving again," So says with a sigh, but Baek Ah does not miss the fake whine in his voice.

"But he'll always come back."

So and Soo laugh out loud heartily when they see his expression of confusion, and he knows he's being made fun of.

His relief is greater than his indignation, but his confusion is greater than his relief. He had been trying to deal with a huge weight over his chest, but they seem to be in a much better condition than him. They seem to act as if nothing is happening and Baek Ah wonders if there's something wrong with him.

"How can you two be normal?"

 _How can you two act as if death isn't approaching?_

The silence follows his question. So's eyes drop as they did when they talked sooner, and he feels another pinch of guilt. So, however, shrugs with a sigh, and speaks with a reprimanding voice.

"It's not like I'm dying tomorrow," her eyes turn to the man beside her, and she places a hand over his in a silent plea, "Pyeha..."

"Why be sad now, if we're still together?" The king's smile is small and faint, but it's a smile nevertheless, "Let's leave the sadness for when it's time."

Then he looks at her and his smile grows and brightens at her playful one, and Baek Ah decides that being happy and enjoying the present is much better than living with fear and sorrow, so he decides not to muse over all of the sad things right now and just focus on having dinner with his friends.

Or at least try to, and just be caught in their bickering and quarrels over the food.

"Hey, why are you taking that?" Hae Soo's voice breaks the peace eventually in outrage, "I was going to take that!" she says referring to the piece of chicken So's holding with his chopsticks.

"Calm down! It's for you," he says in a appeasing tone, a little bit shocked by her outburst.

However, before he can place the meat in her rice bowl, she uses her chopsticks to block him and push him away, "I don't want it. I was going to take it for you."

Baek Ah blinks, once again confused, but So sighs as if it's not the first time something like that happens, and continues to push the piece of chicken to her, coaxing her to accept it, "But it's your favorite."

"I know it's my favorite. Now take it."

"You didn't touch anything else. Take it."

"I'll touch something else. You take it."

"Soo-yah, you have to eat."

"I'm eating. You two are seeing me eat," She looks at Baek Ah and he nods, she was eating a lot indeed, "I have to take care of you because you spent two nights without sleeping. It's your favorite too. Take it."

"You're sick, you take it."

"Why don't you just split?" Baek Ah intervenes before the sparring gets even more ridiculous or even longer than it should be over a piece of the cooked chicken and sighs in a mix of relief and frustration when they do as he say.

So and Soo smile at each other when they eat the shared piece of meat, and Baek Ah can't help but smile as well as he watches them. The peaceful silence of shared company helping him to ease down his melancholy.

"Hey, I like that!" He looks up at Soo's exclamation to see his brother stealing a piece of seaweed from her bowl, a look of pretended indifference on his face.

"So you're giving it to me, right?"

"No, I was going to eat it," she prevents him from taking the seaweed to his own bowl with her chopsticks, and he continues to pull, "Give it back."

"No, it's mine now. You refused when I last gave you something."

"But this is something I actually want. It doesn't count."

Baek Ah sighs again, deciding to give up on peace and silence and settling for being their intermediator for tonight. How they had dinner without breaking down the whole palace when he was away, he had no idea.

"Why don't you just split?" He murmurs in a tired voice.

.

.

.

.

Soo doesn't blow out all of her candles later that night. A little too late for her to still be up, but she sits quietly on the floor of her little room, watching the single flame flicker before her. She's tired, but she has too much on her mind to rest, so she doesn't even try it.

That's why she doesn't startle when the doors slide open quietly and Baek Ah walks in quickly.

She waits for him to close the door and come next to her before speaking.

"You read it." It's not a question, if he's here now is because he knows what's inside her head right now, and the only way to know was to open the sealed envelope she had given to him, that had clearly confused him.

He's not confused now.

He nods silently and kneels down before her, "I also burnt it."

"That was a good idea." Hae Soo wonders if she should burn all of her secret letters in the locked chest, before someone finds them and frustrates her plans.

At least, now that the 13th Prince knew she wouldn't be completely alone. He was the only one who would willing to help her with that, and if he didn't look very happy with the letter's content, then for sure nobody else would.

"Who else knows?" He asks after what it seems like an eternity.

"Only the two of us."

He puffs in shock and incredulity, shaking his head in disapproval, "Are you insane, Soo-yah?"

"You told me before you'd help me."

"Not behind my brother's back! You have to tell him..."

"I will," she cuts his speech before he even starts to say it. She knows what he's going to say because she said all of that to herself. She spent countless nights debating with herself how to tell him, when to tell him, not ready to break him apart once again, "I promise I'll tell him. But you can't leave me alone on this."

"I won't. I'll see what I can do, but you have to talk to him."

She nods deeply, and sighs at the perspective of having another tough conversation with the king, "That's fair."

The 13th Prince pinches the bridge of noise and grunts in helplessness, probably still trying to make sense of all the events, going through the same inner conflicts as she.

"This is all messed up," he murmurs and takes a deep breath, "Why is this even happening?"

"I've stopped asking myself that," she says bitterly and let her shoulders fall, "We can't change how things are now. We can only hope that things get better."

"Are you sure this is the way to make things better?"

Her nod is solemn and conflicted, and her voice cracks a little when she speaks, "He won't understand it. Wangjanim, you're my only hope."

There's a moment of silence as Baek Ah muses silently for a moment, his breathing heavy and erratic. She watches him in silence, apprehensive. Her fingers twisting around each other, her hand trembling and her own dim musings coming to her.

The prince finally takes a deep breath and gives his answer.

"I'll be leaving soon. I'll tell him that I'll look for a cure somewhere else. I'll be back when I arrange everything." He stands up to leave before he changes his mind, looking at her to give one last advice, "Until then, find a way to tell him. He's strong, he'll be fine."

"This time I don't think he will."

"He has to," he speaks in a firmer tone to give her courage, "I also wish there was another way, but if that's what you decided, then you have to go to the end."

The 13th Prince walks away from her room, leaving her behind with her lonely candle and her gloom and consuming thoughts.

That night the king does not go to see her, so she takes the opportunity to write a new letter.

She takes a new envelope, simple and plain, but does not write any names on it. She raises the tallest pile of letters and hides the new one under them, along with a few similar unadorned envelopes, hoping for them to stay there secretly and never come up. At least until the time comes.

When the time comes she can burn them all.

* * *

 **A/N:** **I have no idea of what people used to eat in Goryeo, so I just went for chicken because of SoSoo first meal together. And seaweed, because I'm pretty sure seaweeds already existed back then. I also have no idea if they had Oaks around, but I used it because one of my surnames means oak in Portuguese.** **If anyone with a more extended knowledge is willing to make a correction, I'll be thankful for your help. I also take tips on any grammar mistake that I may commit.**

...

 **Clavel**

 ** _Not that much SoSoo this time, but I hope those interactions were enough to you. Not all is lost? Maybe? Who knows?_**


	10. i'm just the words, you're the sound

**A\N: I know it's been a while, but this one refused to be finished. Just look at its length. I actually had to remove a few bits or I wouldn't be updating anytime soon. Sorry about disappearing after that cliffhanger, but hopefully this chapter makes it even? Enjoy your reading!**

* * *

"Care to say why must we walk you to the gate?" The annoyance in the King's voice makes him sound like a child and Baek Ah can't help but annoy him even more.

"Because you two are the only family I have?" He says with a smile as he continues to walk towards the gate, and his brother scoffs.

"That didn't stop you from leaving at the break of dawn last time."

The comment is not meant to harm him, and he knows it. But he can't help the small bit of guilt that starts to spread on him, and he tries to make things right quickly, "You can say I'm avoiding certain companies."

"You don't have to explain yourself," Soo cuts in, smiling brightly at him, "Pyeha is actually happy to be able to send you out."

He has no option but to smile as well as the moment for departure approaches. And when they finally arrive at the last gate, Baek Ah stops to look back at them.

He stays silent at first, unsure of what to say, when his brother speaks before he has a chance to decide.

"I still think you should stay," So complains bitterly, "Why are you even leaving again anyway?"

So's demeanor amuses Baek Ah, but this time he manages to not smile.

"I just need to double check a few things. And even when I come back I won't stay forever," he explains solemnly, and looks at Hae Soo expectant gaze, "I wouldn't even come back if it weren't for your illness."

Beside him, So sighs in feigned disappointment, "So it's only for Soo, then?"

"I won't be far, Pyeha," Baek Ah says to reassure his brother, even though he knows that he doesn't need to, "You can write me anytime."

"If you are only going because of me, please don't," Soo speaks before they can continue with their antics, "I still think you shouldn't be exhausting yourself like that."

Baek Ah can see the hidden question beneath her words. A question she can't ask out loud in front of the King, but it's clear in her eyes. A question that cost him a sleepless night.

 _Will you do it?_

"I can't ignore my friends when they need me," he says in a solemn tone, "And you need me right now."

 _Yes, I will._

Her shoulders relax, and he wonders how she always managed to live with those heavy burdens upon them.

"Thank you, Wangjanim. For being a good friend," she says with a candid smile, and he knows she doesn't mean only this favor, "And forgive me for always depending on you."

"We have always depended on you, so it's only fair. Isn't it, Pyeha?"

His brother shrugs, still clearly upset, "Just be safe and come back quickly."

"I'll come back whenever I want to."

Instead of rebutting him, So turns his furrowed brown to Hae Soo, "See? He's like this now because of you."

Baek Ah is about to intervene, but before he can, another bickering starts between them, so he se contents in rolling his eyes.

"Why am I to blame?" Soo's voice shrieks with indignation.

"You were the one who kept talking about freedom with him. Now he's got your bad habit of talking back whenever he receives orders."

"What about you always asking him to call your Hyungnim?"

"That's different. He's my brother, of course he should call me like that."

He watches them arguing over small things like that, the smile on her lips and the glint in his eyes, and he's filled with relief and easiness.

"I'm glad you two are happy," he says quietly, not wanting to be dragged into the discussion once again. His brother, however hears his wistful musing, and turns to him with a full smile finally showing up on his face.

"Of course we are," So manages to say in both happy and authoritarian tones, "Now go and focus on coming back soon."

Baek Ah bows still smiling. But when his backs are turned and the gates start to get smaller with the distance, he feels the bitterness come back to his heart.

Hae Soo's letter is just a pile of ashes now, but he remembers the contents vividly, and once again he wishes their lives weren't a huge mess and in this reality people could actually be happy.

But those were their lives, and they couldn't change it. They could only make them bearable and hope the worst didn't come upon them.

 _I'll do it_ , Baek Ah vowed once again, this time for himself, _I have to_.

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.

.

.

"Do you really think it's my fault?" Hae Soo's voice break the silence between them, and her words make So frown in confusion as he turns to look at her.

"What?"

"Earlier you said that it was my fault that the 13th Prince became like that," she explains still looking forward as they walk slowly, "Do you really think so?"

The realization dawns on him visibly, as he goes from confused to incredulous.

"You're still thinking about that?" Her silent and expectant gaze does not falter, so he sighs and says in a heartening voice, "I was just joking. You know that."

"I do, but let's stop to think about it for a moment," she smiles, but it's clear she's taking the whole matter to a more serious level, so he smirks to try to ease her anxieties a little bit.

"What?" he asks as he turns slightly to her, "Are you worried about your power to change people?"

"I'm being serious, Pyeha!"

"It's not your fault." He lets the smile disappear from his lips to ensure her that he's being serious as well, "Actually, if you stop to think about it, it kind of is, but that's a good thing."

"He's a wanderer now, how can that be a good thing?"

"Not that part," he cuts any other arguments she may have by squeezing tightly her hand, "He was always afraid before. He couldn't voice his opinions and he never dared to step over the line," his description of the old Baek Ah seems to catch her attention, so he proceeds his narrative, "But then some drunk crazy girl kept talking to him about how some people shouldn't be above others, and that he should just focus on living the way he wanted. Because of that, now he's quite fearless. To the point of supporting my rebellion and my claim to the throne. He was even willing to throw everything away and marry a Hubaekje princess. If it weren't for you, none of that would have happened."

Her shoulders fall when he mentions Woo Hee, and he regrets it immediately, but before he can say anything else she starts to speak again, "But he wouldn't be suffering."

"You don't know that. No one knows," he nudges her arm with his elbow in a gesture of reprimand, "But I'm sure he'd thank you for doing what you did."

"Still… I feel bad."

"Don't. How he is it's not on you, that's just consequence of people's greed. It's who he is that you should feel proud of."

She looks at him suspiciously, as if looking for a sign that he is teasing or just trying to avoid the topic with his speech and attempts to light her mood, but she seems to notice that he's being completely serious and adamant, so she looks back to the path ahead and sighs.

"How can you be so sure about that?"

"Because I'm the same," he says wholeheartedly, unafraid of looking too vulnerable or too eager in front of her. But then she giggles and his enthusiasm starts to fade into annoyance, "What is it?" he grumbles, unsure of what came upon her to provoke that behavior, but when her eyes turn back to his, he doesn't care anymore.

All he cares about is the glint of true love and happiness that he can see in her eyes.

"That's actually my line," she says, and a heartbeat later he realizes she's answering his question, and then he can't help the grin that takes over his face

"Hae Soo, are you saying that I made you who you are today?"

He pushes her closer by her shoulders and feels his heart flutter when she embraces his waist and leans her head on the side his chest.

"I'm an unmarried woman with a married man, and I decided to stay in the palace, even though I could leave now… Don't you think I would be in a different state and different place, otherwise?"

 _And you'd be married to Wook_ , he thinks but doesn't say out loud. It still bothers him, but he never says anything of the sort out loud, unwilling to bring him to the conversation and darken his mood when he's focusing on being happy with Soo while he can.

So he puts on a contemplating expression and muses out loud, trying to take his own mind out of his eighth brother.

"l don't know, you were quite reckless before…" He laughs when she rolls her eyes and pinches his arm slightly, but he continues to talk, "And what do you mean by leaving the palace?"

This time her smile is a challenge, as she raises her eyebrows when she turns to him, "Are you saying I can't?"

"That's right. You can't. I won't let you go."

"No? But what if I have to?"

"Why would you have to leave me?"

"I don't know," she hums and looks up in an attempt to come up with a reason, "Let's say, what if there is a plot to assassinate me?"

He shrugs, "I'll kill them so you'll be safe."

"Wah!" She backs away from his hold slightly, just enough to look at him properly and speak in a mocking shock, "A death threat in the middle of a peaceful stroll through the palace garden. Aren't you sweet?"

"You know me." He smiles and she laughs out loud, so he counts it as a success.

They manage to walk for a few seconds in silence, but then Hae Soo's curiosity and uncertainty seems to strike again.

"But seriously," she blurts and he gives up on dropping the subject, "You really wouldn't let me go?"

"Why? Is there a plot to assassinate you?"

"You don't know that, do you?" she comments, and then her inquiring tone turns into a condescending one, "Maybe you should be a little less possessive."

"I don't want to," He stops walking abruptly at her last remark, his expression now showing that he is most definitely not amused. She frowns, already knowing where he's headed to, but he starts to speak before she has a chance to, "I'll have to part ways with before I'd like to, why should it be any sooner? I can't let you go, not when you mean so much to me."

"Pyeha…" By her voice he knows how vulnerable he looks. He knows she wants to get closer and hold him, but, even though he wouldn't mind it, there are things he needs to tell her.

"I'm still trying to accept that, you know? I have to accept the fact that one day you'll be gone forever, and I'll have to keep on living as if this world still makes sense," He breathes in deeply, trying to focus on his words and not on what he's feeling and trying to conceal, "I'm trying to be strong so you can be strong as well, but if you keep saying things like that, it gets really hard for me."

She comes closer then, but instead of embracing him, she takes one of his hands between hers and caress it softly.

"If there was a plot to assassinate you," she speaks softly, looking down to their hands, "And I had to leave the palace, it wouldn't be easy for me either."

"Then why are we talking about this?"

"Because even though it would be hard, I would still leave." She looks up then, smiling, but with a sad glint on her eyes, and he remembers again the day she said she couldn't marry him.

"So you wouldn't even fight?"

"Unlike you, I cannot threaten to kill anyone," she sighs and then blinks hard to shake off the sadness and putting on a fierce expression that manages to make him smile again, "But just because I would be leaving it wouldn't mean I would be giving up on you, or changing my feelings, or even wanting you to move on, or…"

He interrupts her with his lips on her, and after a quick touch she's finally silent.

"I understand it already," he uses his hand, still on her hold, to drag her behind him as resumed their walk, "Now let's stop talking about such depressive topics, this is supposed to be a peaceful stroll through the palace gardens."

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.

.

Later that night, after he's done with his reading and leaves the throne room, she follows after him into his bedroom to give him a new pillow and ends up compelling him to stop by the vanity and wash his face clean before going to sleep.

"But I want to make it clear that I'm only wiping it away because of you," he hisses, staring at her with an annoyed expression, battling with the cloth to remove the concealing cream completely.

"Who's the one here who actually studied cosmetics?" She retorts and he can't argue, so he goes back to his task of removing the make up, still under her vigilant gaze and lecturing, "Just let your skin breath. You are always wearing it. You don't even remove it properly when you reapply it."

"Then can't you make it less permanent?"

"Hey, it's not even hard to remove it," she reprimands him, "You just apply it too much and now you have too many layers."

"You should come here and teach me, then."

He looks at her expectantly as she seems to think about it, but then she just smiles and shakes her head, before saying in a charming voice, "No. I'm fine with just watching you struggle."

She giggles at his undignified face and then she stretches again all over his mattress, leaning her head on her arm to get a better vision of him.

"What are you even doing in my bed, anyway?" He asks as he resumes his cleaning and she rolls to her side so she's closer to the edge and to him.

"Resting my knees. It was really cold today."

"We shouldn't have walked outside this afternoon."

"But it's a tradition!" She whines and he sighs at her logic, as if she'd rather endure pain the entire night or just stop taking walks around the gardens in a cold weather.

"It's not a tradition if we only started it a few weeks ago," he says, not wanting to show he's too worried, but failing anyway, "Has the doctor said anything about your knees?"

Hae Soo shrugs, "They're just like they were before."

So puts the cloth away and looks back at her eased expression, as if there's nothing wrong with the way her knees were before.

"You should be careful," he says softly and she smiles.

"I am. You should take care of yourself too."

"Don't worry about other at times like this."

"Well, you should have someone worrying about you", she reasons and he can't argue, "Might as well be me."

He sighs in defeat, then, already knowing how this will end, but too tired to drag the conversation even more. So he just stands up and walks closer to his bed.

"It's not like I can order you to do anything you don't want to."

"That's right."

"And since both of us are tired and in desperate need to rest, I won't even ask you to stay," he sits beside her and looks down at her, "Just promise you'll come to see me in the morning, so I can have a good sleep."

"I was actually planning on staying tonight," she says as she sits up and starts to leave, "But since you're really too tired to keep me company..."

"No." He holds her down and pulls her to him, offering his arm as a support for her head. She giggles when he almost jumps to stop her from going away, and he can't help but chuckle as well, "So this is the new Hae Soo. Not even fighting to leave and making me spend minutes trying to convince you to stay."

He lets himself drop on the mattress, taking her down with him, and she laughs.

"I'm needy today," Soo explains as she snuggles up closer to his chest, "Last night you weren't busy, but you still didn't go to see me."

"You spent too much energy yesterday, I wanted you to rest."

"I wanted to talk to you a little bit before going to sleep yesterday."

"Sorry," he whispers in her hair and kisses her temple, "I'm here now, though. What did you want to talk about?"

At first, she doesn't say anything. But then Soo pulls away a little from his hold, just enough to lean on her elbow and hover above him, looking completely serious as her words come out of her mouth.

"You should lay with the Queen."

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.

.

Go Hajin hated cheaters.

Of course, maybe that was because she had been cheated on, but even before she had met her trash ex, she was sure cheaters were no good. And that trait seemed to pass on to Hae Soo.

That's why, after she arrived in Goryeo, one of the biggest cultural shocks was the polygamy, and how everyone expected the men of higher status to have more than one wife. How it was odd to see them taking only one woman to be their partner until the end.

People there didn't seem to, but for Hae Soo, that was a little bit like cheating.

She wanted her man to be hers, and hers alone. And even if it were a political or strategic marriage, she believed she couldn't take it if she had to send her loved one to someone else.

But that was before, when Go Ha Jin and Hae Soo were young and full of hope. Now all of that is gone and she only has fear for the small amount of happiness she still possesses in a distorted world.

Now she doesn't mind a few wounds, as long as her loved ones are protected.

"You should lay with the Queen," she braces herself and whispers her request, a small part of her going numb as she looks down at him, waiting for his response.

So doesn't say anything for a few seconds. He just keeps looking at her, analyzing her with his dark eyes, and she feels small and anxious under his gaze. But this is something she has to do, so she doesn't look away.

He frowns a bit, then he speaks in a dumbfounded tone, "You were right, you're a completely different person now."

She doesn't roll her eyes, nor does any other sign of reproval at his bad attempt of making a joke.

"I'm serious," she says firmly and his frown deepens.

"I have a limited number of nights with you, and you want me to spend one of them with her?" He sits up, leaning on his elbows so they are on the same eye level, as he mutters through clenched teeth, "Are you insane?"

"Just once, to ease her mind." She didn't know when Gwangjong's firstborn had come into the world, but that's not what worries her. What worries her is how the rumors start to spread in the palace and how the Queen glanced at her the last time they met, "You've been married for months and she hasn't conceived."

"Well, it would be hard to, since the wedding wasn't even consummated in the first place."

It takes a while for her to process the information and fully understand what he means. But when she does, she has to process it all again and a screech leaves her mouth when she realizes what it implies.

"What?" She jumps and sits up, incredulity and confusion taking over her, "Then what did you do on your wedding night?"

He shrugs, unaffected by her dismay, "I walked around for a while."

"You walked around…" she repeats his words to herself numbly and then she shrieks again, "Then why did you let me think you were with her?"

"Why would I be with her? I despise her."

"What? But I… you…" She remembers being alone and gloomy on the day of his wedding, unable to sleep at night because her mind kept going to undesirable places. But she can't be relieved right now, even though a part of her was desperate to hear that, "Don't you realize how dangerous this is? She's clearly unhappy about it."

"Don't you realize that I don't care how she feels?"

"What about me? Don't you care how I feel?"

"I do," he straightens his position, and gets closer to her, aloofness being replaced by annoyance, "In fact, you were the main reason why I did what I did. Or didn't in this case."

"What if she takes it out on me? What about it, then?"

"Why would she? She already got what she wanted," he says matter of factly, "She is Queen, and she won't even have to fight for the position of Queen Mother, since I promised to make her son my heir. What could you possibly have that would make her harm you?"

There are many things, and Soo knows it. There are many problems that may happen. Some of them carry more weight than others, but all of them are on the same spectrum and have the same origin.

"Well, since I'm the reason you won't lay with her, then maybe she'll feel threatened and try to take me out of her way?"

He watches her silently, as if pondering on her question. Then he sighs and asks in a drained voice.

"Alright, I'll ask one more time: Is there a plot to assassinate you?"

Her eyes harden at his attempt to deflect the subject and her voice sharpens.

"Do you really want me to live like Oh Sanggung lived?"

"Do you really want me to go to another woman?"

No, of course I don't. She wants to cry out, but she holds it in. She ignores the way her heart squeezes and focus on her brave words.

"If it's to protect you, to protect us, it doesn't matter what I want. We do what we must." She says it out loud so she can start to believe as well, pressing forward when she notices he's about to interrupt her, "You have to appease her clan to remain king. You have to appease her to appease her clan."

His annoyance is gone, replaced by worry, as he looks away from her in contemplation.

"If you knew we would come to this," he muses out loud, "Would you have supported me to become king?"

"I would," she says softly, placing one hand over his, "I've known for a while you were destined to greatness."

He rolls his eyes, clearly, even though not fully, understanding what she means, "The vision."

"A beautiful vision." She smiles, trying to lighten up his mood.

"Didn't you say I looked mean and cold?"

"When don't you look mean and cold?"

"Not to you," he says pointedly, "Never to you."

"And that makes me feel really special." She moves her hand so their fingers are entrelaçados, "Your in-laws, however, may not feel the same way."

He takes a deep breath and Soo knows he's about to put a strong argument on the table, so she gets ready to whatever he might say to not lose her confidence.

"They wouldn't dare to do anything. Not after making me marry Yeon Hwa. I already gave them a peace offering. I accepted their deal and gave them a queen," his retort comes so fast and so strong that she finds herself gaping and struggling to form a sentence.

"But…"

"And Yeon Hwa won't let her clan dethrone me. She's greedier than you can imagine, and if she has to choose between being Queen or the sister of a King, she won't hesitate to march to Wook's house and get rid of him herself."

"Still…"

"I am also the only chance of her being Queen Mother. She knows I won't take any more wives, and she has already convinced you not to marry me."

"That's..."

"But if I go to her and she does conceive, she might decide to take me out of her way and make her son a King while still an infant. That way she could even be a Regent for a few years, and it will be all because you refused my beautiful proposal and made me marry her."

His annoyance is back. But so are his whiny voice and sad eyes. After he finishes speaking he lets himself fall back on the mattress in a sulking manner and she knows she has lost. She can't bring herself to contradict him when he's like that, she has no heart to continue pressing on the matter when it hurts him so much.

So she just lets a small smile come to her lips, approaching him slowly and asking carefully.

"You're still bitter about that?"

"Yes," he grunts and covers his eyes with the back of his hand dramatically, "I can't even look at you right now."

She chuckles quietly and leans her chin on his chest, trying to persuade him to look at her.

"Well, you do have around ten years to get over it."

His hand comes off his face and his eyes stare at hers, clearly annoyed and irritated by her comment.

"You joke with all the serious things, and yet you make us argue about things that aren't even a problem."

He's mad, but she can't help being relieved by the end of their argument. Part of her is glad that he adamantly refused her request, but the other part is still worried about the consequences. And even though his arguments are solid and give her some reassurance, this scared part continues to make plans and calculations.

The happy part, however, melts on the inside, feeling pleased. And in the end, Hae Soo decides to count even this small loss as a victory.

"It's because I care too much. Even the smallest things worry me," She lies down beside him, burying her face near the crook of her neck, "Sorry for pushing you to her once again, please don't hate me and fall in love with anyone else."

"You should only worry about what's important, silly," he reprimands her, but wraps an arm around her waist to bring her closer, "And how could I possibly fall for someone else if my heart is already yours?"

His words surprise her and she looks up at him smiling, "You're smooth today."

"Just because you're here." He tries not to, but she knows he wants to smile as well, "Now sleep or next time I'll be the one insisting that you leave."

Soo pulls a hand over his chest and leans in so she can listen to his heartbeat, and bask in his warmth. She hums and closes her eyes, focusing on his body so close to her, hoping she can ignore the worried plans on the back of her mind and finally fall asleep.

.

.

.

.

A week later he finds out.

And it's not because she finally gathered up the courage to tell him or that she decided to follow Baek Ah's advice and be completely honest and open despite the consequences.

She had been at ease that day, supervising and orienting the work of the court ladies. She even had the disposition to walk to her prayer stones and start to build a new tower.

When an eunuch came to tell her that the king had called for her, she was excited to see him sooner than expected. She practically hopped all the way back to her room, smiling to herself as she walked down the hallways.

But then she opened the door of her room, and all of her ease and content dissolves into fear and insecurity.

She finds him sitting on the floor of her room, but before she can greet him, or even get closer, she sees her chest open and the envelopes spread around him.

His head hangs low as he reads the open letter in his hand. She can't even see his face, but the dejection is clear on the way his shoulders fall.

 _I should have burned them. I should have burned all of them._

She doesn't move, uncertain of what to do. She had pictured thousands of scenarios in which she told him, but this was not one of them, so she's at a loss.

After a while she attempts to take one step forward and coax him to talk to her, "Pyeha."

"I didn't mean to violate your privacy." His voice is ice cold and it stings, making her stop right where she is, as he continues to speak without looking at her, "I was going to wait for you. But I saw your chest open, and the envelope was for Jung. Many envelopes were for Jung. I got curious. What did you need to tell him that you wrote so many letters? And why weren't they sent?"

She can see where this is going to, but she doesn't want another fight to break between them, "I can explain."

He looks at her then, and her words get lost somewhere in her throat. But it's not because of the coldness in his eyes. It's because of the tears of hurt and betrayal.

"I think I understand it already." He smiles bitterly, folding back the letter and tossing it to the floor, "What I don't know is why would you'd tell me you'd stay while planning all this time to run away. And to him, of all people."

Her words disappear again. This time, however, she freezes out of incredulity and confusion, bulging her eyes, and speaking in a higher tone.

"What? No, that's not it. Which letter did you read?" She marches up to sit at his side, taking the paper in her hands and scanning over it, finally realizing what he meant and what he understood, "Of course, from all the letters, this is the one you opened first…"

Now it's his turn to be confused, as her words finally make sense to him. But then he also looks a little bit mad, "Now you're trying to say it's a misunderstanding..."

"Because it is," she says calmly and slowly so he can also see the absurdity of his implication, "I'm not leaving you for Jung, that doesn't even make sense."

"Oh, then what's the meaning of the letter?" He asks dubiously, and leaves her without words once again.

This time is for a different reason, though. This time she just doesn't want to see his expression when she starts to talk about her illness. So she just looks down and tries to find the best words.

"It's a farewell. All of them," she says without looking at him, just focusing on the words before her, "At least most of them."

"Farewell?" So's anger is mostly gone now, but the confusion is still evident in his voice.

"Not all of them are to the 14th Prince. These are for you, and these are for Baek Ah-nim," she explains, pointing at the piles of envelopes carefully organized in the chest, "I have some for people who are not here anymore, and others that I wrote just because it became a habit. They are things I wish to say to everyone, and things I want to say to myself.

At first, it was just a way to practice how to tell you about my illness," she continues after a deep breath, "Then it became everything I wanted to tell, but never got to. Or everything I wanted to keep telling even if I couldn't anymore," She manages to look at him then, smiling even though her eyes are starting to get teary, "When I'm gone, I won't be able to tell you anything, but I still wanted you to be able to know all of it."

It's his turn to look away, as he looks down at her hands, probably trying to hide his tears as well.

"And this one?" he asks, pointing to the one on her hand.

"That one was when I thought you were done with me after I begged for the 8th Prince's life."

"But why Jung?"

She cannot possibly tell him that the 14th Prince had a way to take her out of the palace, so she just shrugs and tries to play indifference, "He has a house big enough to accommodate a guest."

Soo hoped her comment would ease him a little bit, but the King nows looks annoyed.

"You were going to live with him because you thought I'd tell you to leave?"

"Not really live with him," she changes her voice tone once again, wondering how did he come up with such absurd ideas, "Maybe just spend a few nights until I found a place of my own."

"Is your faith in my that small?" He looks into her eyes in disbelief and incredulity.

"You were acting weird," she points out, "And we had a really nasty fight. And I was feeling particularly down that day. It's your fault that I had to resort to such means."

She says it teasingly, but his eyes fall down and she knows he's taken it seriously to heart.

"I see that now," So mutters in a broken voice and she's about to comfort him, but then he smiles and she knows he's teasing her as well, "Should I compensate you for that?"

"Should you be ditching work?" She retorts and he smiles.

"You know what I always say."

Soo rolls her eyes and he crawls closer to her, "Yeah right, you're king."

He hums and kisses her softly and deeply, so she forgets everything about his work and her annoyance at his excuses.

Then he pulls away to kiss her forehead, and whispers softly, close to her skin.

"Forgive me for being so negligent to the point of making you think about going to another man for help."

"The letter's still here, right? That means you're forgiven."

"If I'm forgiven you should burn it."

She puts on a contemplative expression and pouts, "It would be a pity since I wrote it so well."

Soo laughs at his frown and proceeds to kiss him again.

He remains quiet and satisfied for a while, but grunts in annoyance when she pulls away once again, and she smiles so not to irritate him.

"Pyeha," she begins to ask using her sweetest voice, "If I had left before telling you about my condition…" So sighs and grunts and she knows the topic displeases him.

"Let's not talk about leaving again, please."

"But if I had left after all that happened with the 8th Prince. If you were really mad at me, and I were dying…"

"Why do you keep bringing up weird scenarios?" So pulls away so he can look properly at her as he speaks in an exasperated voice, "You could even stop loving me and marry someone else, if you were suffering I would go to your side in a heartbeat."

He's angry again, but Hae Soo can only smile. "Really?"

"You still have doubts about that?"

Her smile turns to a mischievous one as she pulls him closer, "I just like to hear you say it."

So tries to maintain a serious face, but her laugh is contagious and soon he's laughing as well.

"Look at her," he accuses, "Show-off and greedy."

"It's not my fault it makes me happy." So doesn't argue with her this time, for her relief, and just complies to give her another short kiss, for her despair.

Soo almost whines when he pulls away once again, but sighs at his worried semblance.

"So there's no major secret you're hiding from me?" His tone is careful, as if he's afraid of what she may answer, as if this short moment of peace they have is frail and short-lived.

Baek Ah's words come to her mind once again. The fright of thinking he had found out about that from an accidentally discovered letter is still very fresh on her mind. The logical part of her brain requests incessantly to tell him, and tell him now.

"Actually, there is something I have to tell you."

She can feel him tensing almost immediately, bracing himself for the worst, "What is it?"

"Relax," she smiles to reassure him, but he doesn't move, "It is important, but not grave."

The king seems to get even more nervous when she turns away from him and to the chest of letters, but Soo doesn't stop moving.

She digs deep down into the chest, raising the piles of colored envelopes until she can see the few white ones. She takes them out, caressing her hands over it, trying to decide which one to give to him. In the end she picks up the first one she wrote and hands over to him, trying not to give everything away from her expression, and to put him at ease at the same time.

He's hesitant at first, but after an encouraging nod from her, So finally manages to open the envelope and unfold the letter.

Soo watches him in silence. She watches apprehensively the way his expression changes as he processes the information on the letter, his tension fading away as his face merges into a blank expression. She curls around herself a little bit as his eyes go back and forth through the page, reading its content over and over again. And when So blinks, looking away from the paper to her, she freezes, uncertain of what he's thinking.

"How long?" He asks neutrally, as if he's only asking how her day was.

"I don't know for sure…" She fidgets nervously, wishing he would just express himself, "Around two months?"

As soon as the words leave her mouth, Soo feels his arms wrap around her, hugging her tightly, bringing her to his chest, and she gasps at the sudden movement. But she doesn't mind it, as So's laugh start to echo around her small room.

"All this time and I never suspected."

She smiles at his wondering voice, relief coming over her as he kisses softly the top of her head over and over again.

"So, are you happy because I hid it from you?" She asks kidding, grinning so much that her cheeks start to hurt.

"No, but we'll talk about how you should tell me things sooner in another moment." He pulls away from the hug just so he can hold her face and look closely into her eyes. "Right now, I'm…" He hesitates, trying to find his words.

"Happy?"

"Euphoric," he says after a deep breath, his smile never fading for a second, "I would be screaming and running around if this wasn't the palace."

"I know what you mean."

And she does. She remembers when she realized she had conceived. The mess of feelings that came over her. There was fear, apprehension, insecurity, anxiousness, but most of all there was happiness. Or euphoria as So described. Like there were bubbles inside of her, coming up to her mouth and she had to let them out.

Even though that was just a couple of months ago, she still feels them. And when he kisses her, it's like that joy is amplified, because now that he knows what's happening inside her, she feels exhilarated.

 _I'm going to be a mom._

 _You're going to be a dad._

 _We're going to have a baby._

"You know what, forget the meeting, I'll send word that I'm sick or whatever."

"You can do that. You're king."

He laughs at her answer and she follows him. Too lost in the happiness to even nag him to not procrastinate work. She indulges on his presence and gets drunk on his joy, allowing her worries to disappear, at least for this moment.

This moment, she vows as she watches his eyes tear out of pure joy, she'll keep on her jar of memories and nurse it, so it does not fade away until she's gone.

.

.

.

.

 _You're still just a small piece of me, but I already love you more than my own life._

 _I have never seen you, but I already know you're the most beautiful and adorable person in the world._

 _I have never met you, but I already know you will be loved and kind._

 _So far, I've been trying my best for myself, but if it's for you, then I'm sure I would let go of all of me so you'll live._

 _I just want you to live. Even if this world is cruel and harsh, I want you to live. I want you to live and to be happy._

 _That happiness I wished for myself, but that slipped through my hands, I want it to be yours._

.

.

.

.

Hae Soo waits until his euphoria has died down. She waits until he's sober and his excitement has subsided, his joy finally settles and he's not eager to run around the palace screaming he's going to be a father. Soo waits because he has the right to be completely happy and free of worries like this, at least for a while. But she knows she'll have to tell him.

They are walking through the gardens once again, after Soo argued that the exercise would be good for her and the baby and he convinced her to wear at least a small coat, even though it wasn't even winter yet.

As usual, she waits until they are safely away from the buildings and out of anyone's ears and reach before openly talking about their unborn child. But unlike all of the other serious conversations they had in the past, she decides to go directly to the point.

"You know this is also bad news, right?" she says, as her hand touches her stomach discreetly, "Especially with your wife around."

He grunts, already knowing where this conversation is going to, "Is that why you kept pushing me to go to her the other day?"

"She has no child," she knows it's a dull argument, but she says it anyway.

"That's her problem." He shrugs and she can't say she's surprised.

"If you give the Queen what she wants, she'll leave us alone." Soo decides to say it directly and avoid his attempt to ignore the topic.

He stops walking then, and she turns around to look at him. For some reason his eyes don't look angry like when they last had this same conversation. He looks apprehensive and coy, as he sighs and wets his lips.

"She wants my heart."

The repulse hits her hard, like a hammer, and her bile seems to want to leave her body again, as she feels a sudden urge to throw up. And this time is not because of the pregnancy.

"What?" Her voice sounds cold, and she doesn't know how, since she's burning on the inside.

"She told me a while ago that she loved me, before I even considered becoming king," he explains calmly, as if he isn't narrating the most absurd and sickening of the events, "The opportunity to become Queen and receiving all the honors was a mere incentive to…"

"That... Incestuous wench!" She shrieks before she can control the loathe, not even letting him finish speaking. The thought of the vile queen in love with her king making her shake in anger, as she starts marching in indignation, muttering disconnected sentences, "Such an evil and nasty person! Trying to seduce you like that! I bet that's why she told me to leave you! All this time she wanted you to herself! How can someone be so repulsive and disgusting! I can't even bear to see her now!" The thought of So being embraced by her makes her want to shiver, and it fuels the anger that came up over her, "And I've been telling you to go to her?! What an outrage!"

"Then," So cuts in her angry venting, "Become my second queen and save me from her."

Then her anger is gone, replaced with the cold melancholy of before and she tries to regain focus, to say the important things before it all gets too complicated once again.

"I cannot," Soo fells tears start to pool in her eyes, "And what makes me angrier is knowing that one day you'll go to her."

"I won't." The King's voice is determined, and she knows he means well. But his royal status won't help him get away with that.

"My lifetime will be a lot shorter than hers," she feels her voice tremble when she speaks, but she can't hear herself, "You'll have to go to her eventually. And you'll father her children."

She hates it. She hated back then and she hates it now.

She hates this image carved in her brain of the king and the queen together. It has not been a reality yet, but that's only a matter of time.

Soo doesn't remember how many children Gwangjong and Daemok had, but surely there were more than one. He went to her many times, and she conceived and gave birth to his princes and princesses.

But now, more than anger, she feels a sudden urge to cry. And when she knows it the tears are streaming down from her eyes and his eyes get worried as he holds her by her shoulders carefully.

"Soo-yah…"

"I saw the doctor a few days ago." Once again she tells herself to go directly to the point. Avoid detours, be completely honest and open.

So's suddenly worried, before she even tells him anything, "Is there something wrong with the baby?"

"Not with the baby," Soo sighs, and instead of touching her belly, as she used to whenever they spoke about her pregnancy, she places her hand on her chest, just above her failing heart, "I won't be here to protect this child."

.

.

.

.

This world is cruel, Hae Soo has known for a while.

Over and over, it took something from her. It hurt someone she loved. It destroyed her.

And now is destroying him.

Soo would rather not hurt him like that again. Having to tell him about her illness and her terminal status was hard enough, she didn't want to go through it all again.

Ten years was severe enough already.

A few more months is plain torture.

She watches him carefully as she tells him what the doctor had told her before, but he doesn't look at her. He listens in silence, nodding in comprehension, until she's finished.

And when she is, he takes a deep breath to hold back his tears before he looks at her.

"How could I choose between my love and my child?" His voice breaks and she feels his despair.

"Then let me be the one who makes this decision." She doesn't need to think about it, as the doctor suggested. The choice was already made even before she knew she had one.

The choice was already made, so she didn't have to ask him anything. Between a shorter life for herself and a life for her child, there was not even a second of hesitation.

He knows that, but it still hurts. It is visible on the way he looks lost and vulnerable, "I think I'll be upset with whatever choice you make."

"Don't be like that, Pyeha…"

"Either way I'll be losing one of you," he snaps furiously, brushing her hand away, his temper flaring at the feeling of impotence, "I don't see myself being satisfied with any of these scenarios."

"Who said anything about losing one of us?" She snorts, crossing her arms, and speaks in a deliberated stubborn and inflexible tone, so she can break through his melancholy, "You don't know that! Maybe I am so stubborn that I'll just refuse to die."

"Will you really do it?" He looks at her with a mix of hope and suspicion, afraid to be disappointed and eager to be comforted at the same time.

"Yes. I am not dying in childbirth," she says it with conviction this time, so he knows she's confident, "I also want to meet this child."

"Promise me." Soo doesn't mind he's asking for something absurd, because this time she wishes for the absurd as well.

"I promise, Pyeha. I'm not going to leave you so easily. Not after everything we've been through."

"Good." He nods and comes closer, his eyes set on hers, "Now, if you break this promise. I'll be really mad."

So tries to put on his regal aura, his commanding voice and imposing posture. But it all crumbles and he's almost crying again, so she rushes to hold him, encircling her arms around his body, humming softly to calm him down.

"Don't be afraid."

"How, when this is so terrifying?"

"Just focus on me." She squeezes him a little bit to reassure him, "Right now I'm here. And you are here too. Also, think about the Queen's face when she sees us here together."

Soo tries to make him smile, but he doesn't yield.

"How come you're trying to make me feel better? I should be the one comforting you."

"Then hug me." She feels So's arm come around her waist, so she holds on his shoulders and his neck, "There. I just need this."

"You're easily satisfied."

"Now, now. During the pregnancy what I want it's what the child wants. And right now our baby wants to feel the parents' love."

She feels him smile next to her temple, but also feels the tear coming down his face and she can't stop hers from following it.

"Can I send my love to both of you?" The king sounds vulnerable, but his words make her smile.

"Of course," she nudges a little closer to him, closing her eyes in content, "The baby wants what I want, after all."

So kisses her cheek softly, taking a few of her tears away, and then buries his head in the crook of her neck. Hae Soo sighs, long tired of how things were, long exhausted from the constant blows this world seems to throw at her.

But now she has no time to feel sorry for herself. She has already cried enough for her life, now she'll cry for the others. She'll cry with him and find a small portion of comfort in that embrace of her small, new, and already broken family of three.

Soon it will be only two.

But that's the future, and she'll only focus on the now. And as long as she has them, she will be alright.

* * *

 **A\N: So yay! Pregnant Soo! Seol finally shows sign of life. Sorry, it took longer than I expected to introduce her to the story. But look fluff! (there was angst too, but what did you expect? we're still in goryeo here)**

 **...**

 **Vero Diaz  
** _ **Sorry for the trolling, but hopefully the chapter eased your worries.**_

 _ **...**_

 **myrka1296g  
** _ **Yes, she is. You were the first to call on that. :) Sorry for taking long again, but thank you!**_


	11. i carefully build walls of brick again

**A\N: I'm back and I can't believe how quickly I wrote this. Sorry for the mixed emotions on the last chapter. This one wasn't even supposed to exist, but I wanted to add some fluff and other stuff before diving into the full angst mood. Enjoy your reading.**

* * *

Hae Soo truly believed she would be alright.

Of course, she was scared. She feared for her baby's life even more than she ever feared for her own. She feared that one day the Queen would find out about her secret pregnancy. She feared someone else would try to poison her to get rid of her, and her child would suffer because of that. She feared that even the smallest mistake resulted in making her lose everything she wanted to protect.

She had fears, but after she started to share them with the King they had subsided significantly.

She could avoid being seen by others, taking shelter in the Damiwon or her room - occasionally the King's room - so not to be found out. She could wear more layers of clothes and coats to hide her belly when she started to show.

She thought about everything that could happen, and that's why she believed it would be alright.

But now she's not so sure anymore.

And it's all because of her.

"How long has it been since you served someone in the Damiwon?" Baek Ah asks jokingly as she pours him a cup of tea and she smiles, still unaware of the shadow that was about to land upon her.

"Lately I have only served the King. But that's not because I don't want to," Soo sighs and pours a cup for her as well, "I think Pyeha ordered them to not come asking for me. That, or people just don't want to be associated with me."

The 13th Prince hisses in distaste, "Hey, I'm here right now."

"You don't have much at stake by joining me, Wangjanim," She says, smiling as it is a joke, but also a truth, so he has no arguments left. He shrugs agreeing with her, but smiles as well.

"Lucky you," he adds to her comment, "Otherwise we'd both be suffering of boredom and apathy right now."

"You still bore me," she scolds and reprimands him, putting on a serious face that does not fool him for a second, "You've been back for a day now and still haven't told me any stories." She pouts and he sighs in defeat.

"Because there are none," Baek Ah says in a tired voice, as if he has repeated the same answer a thousand times, which maybe he has, "The only exciting thing that happened to me ever since I last left was coming back home."

She feels her smile fading a little at his response, her hope and resolution starting to shake.

"Nothing?" Her uncertainty must show in her voice, despite her attempt to sound natural.

"It's not the end of it yet," he reassures her quickly, "I'll have to leave again soon, and this time I promise I'll look for adventures so I can entertain you and the little one."

Her eyes bulge when he mentions the baby and she looks around quickly to see if there's anyone around.

"Shhh." Soo silences him, putting her finger on his lips.

"What? You're almost four months long and wants to keep it a secret?"

He's shocked, and she doesn't blame him. The King had been shocked as well when she told him she wanted to conceal her pregnancy. She knows how ridiculous that sounds, but she'd rather be ridiculous than risk her baby's safety.

She places a caressing hand on top of her growing belly, and then she doesn't mind sounding ridiculous or absurd.

"I'll keep it a secret as long as I can."

Baek Ah smiles, but he looks worried, "Is that even viable?"

She holds the extra layer of clothes so he can understand her strategy.

"It's winter," Soo explains carefully, "No one will wonder why am I wearing such a thick coat."

Once again, she thanks the Heavens above for the perfect timing. Had she been pregnant during the summer it would be virtually impossible for her to hide her belly. Now, even though this winter isn't as severe as many others she witnessed in Goryeo, it is cold enough to justify all of the new coats and hanboks the King gave her.

She had three months of protection ahead. But she has already started to think of what to do when Spring comes, and frankly gaining enough pounds to conceal her belly or be confined to her small room aren't practical ideas.

Of course, to announce the pregnancy is not a choice for her.

"You thought about everything, didn't you?" Baek Ah muses out loud and Hae Soo smiles, remembering

"I have," _at least for now_ , she doesn't say, she doesn't worry him even more, "I'm still too anxious, but I'll be fine."

She manages to not sound as distressed as she is, and when his smile gets bigger she can feel hers growing as well.

They finish the tea in a companionable, and after he puts the cup on the table he looks carefully at her.

"You know," comments solemnly, "If there was anyone who would be able to live like that, it would be you." He looks directly at her, and then she sees the mischievous glint in his eyes and she roars.

"What do you mean by that?" She asks and sounds clearly affronted, but her furrowed brow only makes him chuckle.

"I mean what I mean."

She sulks, crossing her arms and pouting, looking exactly like a pampered child, "You meanie."

The 13th Prince bursts out laughing and Soo can't help but start to laugh as well. She allows her worries to give space to this rare bubbling sound that comes out of her, glad that she still has people she can count on. Happy to still have a reason to laugh like that despite all that has come upon her.

She laughs carelessly, letting the sound resonate through her body, enjoying it to the fullest, forgetting all about the cage around her.

And then the shadow comes.

.

.

.

.

If later someone asked Baek Ah what happened, he wouldn't be able to tell.

The truth is that he never saw it coming. He never noticed the possibility of it happening. He had been blind to all of the risks and perils that surrounded them that afternoon.

He was caught by surprise. And when it happened, it was already too late.

Baek Ah could do nothing to intervene.

After Hae Soo pours more tea on his cup he notices the ruffling sound of fabric and the jingle of jewels behind him, but pays it no attention. He doesn't bother to turn around since the place was full of visitors wishing for a warm beverage.

But then he hears her voice, and his smile melts.

"Such a public display of a shameful behavior," she sibilates behind him, and he fights the urge of throwing something at her as turn around to face the Queen.

"Greetings, Hwanghu," he says with a polite smile, standing up with Hae Soo before graciously bowing to the woman, "Do you wish to join us?"

"I'll have to pass on that," Her smile is gracious, but it distills hatred, "I just came to speak briefly with Hae Soo."

Baek Ah then turns to the woman beside him, and notices she has not looked directly to the Queen ever since she walked into the room. Soo stays unmoving, her posture frozen, her eyes set to a blank point in the air right before her.

"I do not wish to do so," she answers in a neutral and empty voice, "Please, leave."

Daemok's eyebrow twitches at the clear defiance in Soo's polite decline, even though her smile does not falter for a second, "You refuse?" The threat is not hidden and he fears where this conversation is headed to.

"Pyeha has ordered me not to answer anyone's summons without his permission," Soo explains crisply and pointedly, and then decides to turn her eyes to the other woman, "That includes you, Hwanghu."

The Queen chuckles in a patronizing manner, as if they were two children being stubborn, and then speaks condescendly.

"Why?" Her smile grows bigger as she begins to scorn her assailant, "Is he afraid I'll be a bad influence on you?"

"He just wanted me to be able to refuse being coerced to an uncomfortable position." Hae Soo's cold and polite tone does not falter, nor does her Sanggung posture seem to shake as she speaks swiftly, "I do not wish to speak with you right now, so I won't. If you insist on doing so, you'll have to go ask it directly to him."

Yeon Hwa's smile finally seems to fade, and Baek Ah wonders how long will it take until she gives up and leave them alone.

"Fine," she says with an indifferent shrug, casually walking a little bit closer to them, "If you won't come with me, I'll just tell you right here and now."

"You still have something to tell me?" He senses the challenge in Soo's voice, but decides she's experienced enough to deal with the other woman, and knows exactly what she can and what she can't say to her.

His sister seems to sense it as well, as her eyes get sharper and her tone more authoritarian, her lips pursing in a distaste expression.

"Leave that court lady's family alone," she commands and threatens at the same time, "You're drawing unnecessary attention of the ministers and making Pyeha look unfair."

He's confused for a while, a consequence of being away from the palace for so long. But Soo seems to know exactly what she means, as her stiff and polite posture shifts and her determination wavers.

"You mean Chae Ryung?" Her question comes out in a squeaky voice, and they both know Yeon Hwa has successfully affected her, "She was a friend and asked me to take care of her family just before she died. It has nothing to do with her punishment or Pyeha's sentence."

"She was a slave executed for her misconduct. I don't want my position shaken because of your foolish ideals."

Hae Soo blushes and he thinks she's about to give in to the Queen, but then she speaks in a patronizing and impertinent tone. Her face brightens with a sugary smile that reminds Baek Ah of the time she was a spunky and witty girl, and he knows he doesn't have to worry.

"I'm sorry, Hwanghu," she says without sounding sorry at all, "But I can't abandon my friends like you did with your brother."

Then it's time for Daemok to lose her composure. Her teeth clench in outrage, her fists tighten like balls beside her body, her eyes burning with rage, and, despite enjoying the spectacle, Baek Ah wonders if maybe Soo's not crossing the line a little bit.

"What do you know about me?"

"I know you didn't do anything to save the 8th Prince from being executed, or even tried to keep the castle closed to put him on the throne," Soo says casually, pointing out the events with a wondering voice, "You turned your back on him the second you got the chance."

The Queen scoffs and glares daggers at the other woman, who still smiles in disdain, her lips trembling from repulse as she starts to walk towards Soo in an imposing stride.

"You were the one who made him like that. It all started with you," Yeon Hwa retorts, assailing Soo directly, "And it's because of you that that girl died."

Baek Ah is about to jump in the conversation, to challenge the Queen despite his lower position, to deflect the woman's attention before she lashes out at Soo. But then he hears a splash, and, in the blink of an eye, Yeon Hwa is drenched and aghast, her mouth gaping for words, her intricate hairdo and complex make up lost in the water slap that just hit her face.

Before her Hae Soo stands livid, holding the now empty teapot, her teeth clenched in hatred, and Baek Ah is at a lost of what to do.

Actually, he wants to start laughing really bad, but he sets on listening to Hae Soo for the moment.

"Chae Ryung died because all of you thought it was okay to treat her like a tool, and have no scruples to satisfy your greed," she speaks louder, no more polite or provoking, just blatantly calling out the truth of the woman before her, "I don't know how you are not embarrassed by being who you are. You're the worst, and the people around you only want something from you."

Yen Hwa finally seems to move, her hands trying to wipe out the hot water from her face, as she tries to recover her authority and dignity, "How dare you? I'm a queen you lowly woman."

"I might be lower in rank, and people in court might frown upon my presence. But what do you have other than your titles?" Baek Ah can only listen to Hae Soo's continuous attacks and stare in awe at her fearless expression, "Does your honor, your recognizement and your power keep you warm at night?"

"None of that would have happened if you knew your place!" Daemok raises her voice and marches down towards her rival, but is blocked once again.

"So you're saying that if I wasn't with the King, you wouldn't have to denounce the 10th Prince or ignore the 8th Prince situation?" Soo practically throws the teapot back to the table with a loud noise and crosses her arms, "Stop making excuses and admit you're just too greedy and self-centered to be a decent person."

There is silence then. A long and profound silence as the two women stare at each other, both unmoving, and Baek Ah stays rooted in the same place he was when the Queen arrived. He barely breaths as he watches the conflict unfold before him, waiting for one of them to finally move or speak, since he has no idea of what to say or what to do.

Then the silence is broken, and it's like the strike of a snake.

"Oh Sanggung's death was a waste on you." Yeon Hwa whispers, but her words seem to amplify in the empty and silent room, sending a chill down his back.

Once again, it happens so quickly that Baek Ah can't react properly.

Just a moment before Hae Soo was standing next to him, and in the other she was at Yeon Hwa, her hands burying in the Queen's hair, digging them out of her hairdo and pulling out a few strands in the process.

This time, however, Baek Ah manages to unfreeze and take action, as he comes in between the angry shouting woman and the whimpering one, having to use some strength to avoid Hae Soo from killing the other one as she continues to shout a series of raging affronts.

"You'll die a miserable life and die alone," Soo shouts, and Yeon Hwa's words get lost in the intimidation, "Even your children will end up despising you and you'll deserve it."

"Pyeha will know about this." The Queen tries a last blow, but it doesn't even make Soo blink.

"Sure. Go ahead," she calls on her threat, as no one thinks anything will come to Hae Soo if the Queen goes to him, "Tell him that for the first time I gave you what you deserved after all of your wicked words. See if he can love you any less!"

Yeon Hwa grunts in aversion and Baek Ah is slightly tempted to let go of the furious woman, still debating against his hold, and allow her to finish the job.

But the Queen seems to know when she has lost, as she quickly turns around and hurries to leave the room and the Damiwon, her posture somewhat less gracious than when she walked in, and he settles on watching her defeated back withdrawing and disappearing from his sight.

"Yes, leave just like that!" Soo shouts behind the closed door and he assumes she's satisfied as well, "Oh, you messed up with me in the wrong day!"

She continues to mutter words of anger and indignation, but she doesn't try to kick or punch anyone so he decides to let her go. He watches her walk around the room, speaking to herself how much she hated the other woman and her evil plots.

"What was that all about?" He asks when it's safe, the Queen's customary trail of court ladies out of sight and Soo's kicking and cursing just a small and low grunt deep in her chest.

"Don't ask me. Ask the hormones that are fueling me," she snaps at him and then jumps to the door, trying to follow the other woman and Baek Ah has to use his strength to stop her again, "Wait, I'm not finished with her."

Soo's restlessness makes it hard for him to hold her firmly without worrying about how it will affect the baby.

"Wait, you can't!" It is something to attack the Queen in a private room at the Damiwon, but it's something else entirely to knock the woman down while in the hallways full of people, no matter what was the excuse she just gave him, "Hormones? What? Soo-yah!"

.

.

.

.

So waits on the outside.

He was about to come inside the room where Baek Ah and Hae Soo were having tea, hoping to surprise both of them, when he heard the Queen's voice and decided to wait.

He waits because, given the conversation that is completely audible from where he stands, he knows exactly how it will end.

So waits on the outside for the Queen to come out, but he has to smile when he sees her appearance, caught out of guard to how far Hae Soo could go once you pushed her too much.

The woman freezes when she sees him, her eyes bulging in surprise and he can't help the grin from growing bigger.

"You didn't expect she would react like that, did you?" He comments on the argument he just heard and on the disarray of the woman before him, what makes her eyebrow twitch in something he'll gladly label as shame and embarrassment.

"She's too volatile to keep living in the palace," Yeon Hwa says, trying her best to look composed while drenched in tea, messed up hair and unraveled clothes, probably scratched in a few places, jewelry falling apart, "Surely you know that."

"I can see she's volatile indeed," he speaks casually as if she just said that rain falls from the sky, and he watches her mortified face at his indifference get even more shamed as he walks closer to have a proper look at her, "But like most people would know, she's harmless when unprovoked."

"Since you're so careless about keeping your position, I have to take responsibility so I won't lose mine as well."

He nods, still smiling at her angry expression, enjoying how the small sign of easiness seems to disturb her.

"You always did a good job at taking over things so they'll go well for you," he says sweetly, as if he's not deliberately hitting her nerves, "To gain power and secure the position of Queen Mother you sacrificed everything, including your own clan. You were willing to let your own brother, whom you love so much, die. And you didn't even lose a night of sleep because of that, did you?" He doesn't ask for an answer, he only asks for her reaction. She glares at him angrily for his insults, but is unable to contradict his words, "I'm sure my late mother would be very proud of you. You are now just like her."

His last comment seems to be the last straw, as Yeon Hwa's anger fade again and the shame comes back to her face.

She doesn't even bow properly before dashing away from his sight.

.

.

.

.

Hae Soo truly believed she would be fine. But that was before, and now she thinks her life is ruined.

All because of her.

All because of the wicked woman who craved for her man.

Even after the Queen has left, she feels her presence, her hateful eyes hovering her, her malicious words filling the room, and she hates them. She hates all of them with all her might, and all her body, as she feels her muscles contracting while she tries, unsuccessfully, to erase the encounter from her mind.

"Soo-yah, calm down!" Baek Ah's voice tries to reach her among the fog of thoughts and emotions surrounding her.

"Are you saying I'm not calm?" She doesn't mean to, but she snaps at him, surprises him with her sudden attack.

"You are clearly shaken by whatever Hwanghu said to you," he says slowly, his hands raised in an easing gesture, "Now, please stop crying."

Her response to that, of course, is crying even more.

She bawls and whimpers, her tears never once stopping ever since Baek Ah stopped her from following the woman and finishing what she started. Her messed up hormones not making any sense anymore, as all of her feelings seem to only come out as a hopeless crying.

"I can't," she answers him with a cry that he somehow manages to comprehend.

"You'll get swollen eyes and a runny nose," he tries to use other methods to cease the crying and cheer her up, "And you didn't even finish the tea and the snacks."

After listening to his words her tears seem to stop for a moment. She looks up to him, noticing that, in some point of her copious crying, she crouched down and Baek Ah got close to her, trying to coax her into a more composed condition.

At the table behind her is the empty teacup and the remaining snacks she had prepared to welcome the 13th Prince back.

"You're right, I didn't. And now your evening is ruined." She proceeds to cry her heart out.

Baek Ah sounds completely confused again, "My evening?"

"I'm sorry I spilled all the tea." Her heart is honest, as she does lament wasting such a precious tea on such a terrible person, never letting him fully appreciate her new blend.

"Don't," The 13th Prince says quickly, "That was pretty funny to see."

She remembers how the Queen's eyes bulged in shock and how funny her make up looked when it started to drip on her face, and her tears seem to stop falling.

"Yeah, it was, wasn't it?" A smile starts to grow on her lips and the 13th Prince starts to smile again.

"It just wasn't better than when you tore her wig." He continues describing the last events and she grins heartily, her face lighting up.

"I did that, didn't I?"

"Yeah, you did."

She laughs out loud then, because Yeon Hwa's face was indeed very funny and Soo had been wishing to do something like that ever since their first meeting, and finally being able to do so was relieving and satisfying.

And then she breaks out crying again.

"Will they sentence me to death?" Her fears return heavy like a hammer, as she remembers why she has been keeping a low profile in the past few months, and what she just did is the complete opposite of that.

"They? What?" The 13th Prince can't seem to understand why she's crying again, and she's wonders if he has already forgotten what almost happened to her a few years ago.

"The King wanted to sever my limbs when I hit the 10th Prince before."

"You do remember who the King is now, don't you?" He speaks slowly and carefully, as if she could have possibly forgotten who the king is. (She actually has, just for a second, but that's not important for him to know).

Her brain starts to make wild calculations once again, and when they are done her tears resume to pour out like there is no tomorrow, and Baek Ah seems to start losing sanity.

"Pyeha will be forced to kill and that will hurt him even more."

"Who's going to be forced to do what?" The King's voice resonates from where the Queen has just left as he walks closer to them.

Beside her the 13th Prince seems to breath out in relief. But now she has many fears and many nervous hormones, so she can't allow herself to do the same.

Soo is quick to fall on her knees, bow and beg for mercy.

"Forgive me, Pyeha."

Baek Ah looks shocked again, but So only sighs in resignation, walking and kneeling before her, pulling her crying body to him, so she does not force her knees, "Why?"

"If I were more controlled, I wouldn't have attacked her," she explains.

"Yes, you wouldn't," he agrees.

"Now she'll plot with her clan to dethrone you," she speculates.

"That's unlikely," he disagrees.

"And then you will die and our child will be all alone," she proceeds with her theory.

"No, that's just silly," he retorts.

"How can you be so sure of that?" She snaps, starting to get anxious at his nonchalant attitude.

He just smiles then, wiping away her face from the flood of tears, and she allows herself to relax at his soft touch.

"Because Yeon Hwa would rather die than tell people that you gave her a beating," he answers her with a calm and serene face.

"What about her appearance when she left?" she asks him with a dubious and uneasy expression.

"She stumbled and the tea tray flipped over her." He shrugs and shakes his head in indifference.

Soo looks around, trying to see if that would be a plausible story in that scenario, and then she realizes she has stopped crying for a while. She also realizes that at some point of her conversation with So, Baek Ah quietly slipped away from the room.

Then she realizes she's wasting her tears over someone who's not worthy of anything from her, and she feels the anger coming over again.

"Pyeha, I know I insisted on you go to her," she tries to say it incisively, but it comes out as a whimper and a plea, "But please don't lay with that ridiculous and arrogant wench."

"Alright, I won't," he indulges her casually.

"And please tell me you never loved her," she asks, burying her face on his chest.

"How could I, if for me it was only you?" he wonders out loud and she smiles in content.

She gradually feels her anxiousness fade away, as her hormonal rate seems to finally normalize and he caresses her shoulders, holding her closer to him.

"Pyeha?" She manages to say without wanting to cry.

"Yes?"

Soo looks up to him, her face breaking into a grin, as she decides to be reckless for now.

"You should have seen her face!" she exclaims and So smiles as well, "I know I wasn't on my right mind, but I am so glad I did it!"

They both laugh as she proceeds to give more details and information to her narrative, and Soo feels she's back to her normal self. And then realizing, after he has pulled the loose strands of hair behind her ears and kissing her cheek softly, how So is able to handle her mood swings so easily and seamlessly.

She knows he jokes a lot about that, but Hae Soo also knows that dealing with her is actually pretty easy.

.

.

.

.

After a hectic day, and a calm dinner, where she gave a most needed explanation to Baek Ah of how her pregnancy affected her mood, and So gave him advice on how to avoid worsening her condition, and how to calm her down when she's like that, he walks her back to her room.

Just like every other day spent in the Damiwon, she has a lot to say, as she keeps babbling, talking non-stop about what she did and what she wanted to do with the court ladies, and he's happy to just walk beside her and listening to her calming voice, especially when she looks so radiant and at ease.

However, they eventually arrive at her doors, and she hesitates to enter when she notices he has stopped moving.

"Are you busy tonight?" He wishes he wasn't, so he could accept her subtle invitation to spend the rest of the night with her, but he has to sigh in disappointment before answering her.

"I have a pile of correspondence that requires my immediate attention," So says and it's her turn to sigh in dissatisfaction.

"Being King is no fun," she half complains half jokes and he rolls his eyes at her comment before nudging her slightly away from him and towards the closed doors.

"Just get some rest."

Soo holds tightly to his arm, and pulls him closer.

"You should come with me," she whines and he can't find the strength in himself to resist her.

But she does need to rest, and he does need to check on the paperwork. Then, instead of allowing himself to have one more moment of leisure with the love of his life, he decides that it's better to be separated for one night, so they will have more free time together later.

That's why he moves her grip from his arms, even though he doesn't let go of her hand.

"You need rest after what happened today," he says it for her and for the baby, chastising her as he tries to coax her into going inside at once, "You even scared Baek Ah."

"It wasn't on purpose," she tries to argue, but he's having none of that tonight.

"But you have to sleep properly, so your nerves won't make you go through such sudden changes of mood. And have such a tendency to be angered." He tries to remember the explanation she gave to him before, the conditions and circumstances that made her present this behavior, but he's still at a lost to what's happening with her, "I don't think I completely understood that."

So means well, but when Soo's brow furrows into a grimace, he knows he just did one of the forbidden things.

"Do you think I'm easily angered?" She asks in a low voice and he knows he has to answer her carefully.

"I think you're captivating."

"Then why won't you come in?" She fusses and he smiles thinking how it's adorable when she puffs her cheeks and pouts like this, even though her stare was ice cold just a few seconds ago.

Then So enlaces her waist with one arm, bringing her closer until she's leaning on his chest, before saying faintly on her ear, "Because then I won't be able to come out."

He feels her smile as she leans in closer, standing on the tip of her toes, and then her whisper, making goosebumps climb down from his ear to his lower back, "That's what I meant."

He pulls away quickly and she laughs at his blushed face.

"You're dangerous, you know that?" So censures her, but he's laughing as well.

He starts to run away, but Soo catches his arm again, and they start to wrestle again, as he fights against her tight grip and she keeps dragging him into his room. So, however, eventually manages to break free and Soo starts to pout once again.

"At least give me a kiss." She tries to grab him again, but he's with the guard up this time and evades her easily.

"No can do," He puts both of his arms behind his back, so they're out of her reach, "That's how you got me to stay last time."

"I don't remember you complaining," she tries to tease him, but he has already started to walk away, a grin spread on his face.

"Wait for me tomorrow," he says goodbye happily, but doesn't deny her words.

He walks backwards, watching her cross her arms and huff to the inside of her room, and he laughs to himself before turning around and resuming the lonely walk back to his lonely throne.

Dealing with Hae Soo is indeed harder than dealing with the government. But that's when he feels the happiest, so he wouldn't dare to change it for the world.

The flame of the candle flickers before her, as it draws closer to the end. Soo stares at it as if she's watching her own lifetime, silently and slowly approaching to the darkness.

The door cracks open without a sound, and the 13th Prince walks in quietly, approaching her almost in reverence, but she continues to watch the small flame before her.

"You haven't changed your mind, have you?" His whisper sounds too loud in the secrecy of her room, and draws her attention to him.

Soo smiles bitterly, shaking her head in a slow denial, "I'm sorry for being a burden."

"You're my family, Soo-yah," he reprimands her words, sitting on the chair in front of her, "Not a burden."

"I really wish there was another way, but…" She really does. But she also wishes for a life with no illness, no intrigues and no heartache, so she knows better than to blindly follow wishes, "We were all ruined here…"

"I understand," There is pain in his eyes, and she doesn't have to ask, she already knows that he does, "You dislike this as much as I do, but I agree with you. Despite everything, it's for the best."

Soo takes a deep breath, feeling herself being torn by her own choices, "But I also worry about him."

He nods in agreement, but doesn't offer any other word of solace. There are none. There's no way she'll be able to protect everyone, there's no way she'll be able to have everything. They both know that. They both understand how painful the decision is, and at the same time they both believe it is the best choice for them.

"Just tell me the day," he says after a moment of silence, his voice full of determination, "Tell me when you're ready and we'll do it. I don't mind what hyungnim might do to me."

Her reaction to his words is a broad smile and a teasing voice, "That's very brave of you, considering he's going to direct all of his anger to you."

Apparently her attempt to make a joke is way too bad, or he's really not in the mood for being teased, because he remains silent and somber, not even scoffing or rolling his eyes at her.

"You're something, aren't you?" He reprimands her, but she only shrugs, her smile gaining a tint of sadness.

"I'm just trying to not drown in sorrow and despair."

The 13th can't reprimand or ignore that, so he gathers a different kind of determination, his gaze softening and trying to comfort her.

"In this case, until the time comes, just focus on the happy moments," he says tenderly, as if making a wish or a prayer, "Try to imagine how would it be if you were living out there. Avoid walking alone or going to sleep without talking to him."

Soo nods, as this is something she has already planned to do, but she looks at him with suspicion when he doesn't continue his customary speech.

"Won't you say that I have to tell him?"

"I have given up on giving you love advices," he says with a smile, "Now I will only give you happy advices. You'll need them."

She smiles as well, and hopes all of them can be happy one day.

"Thank you again, Wangjanim."

"I'm only doing what I must," It's the last thing Baek Ah says before leaving, "Isn't that what we always do?"

* * *

 **A\N: Sorry about that last bit. I had to keep the story going somehow. But yeah, the whole purpose of this chapter was to write Hae Soo destroying Yeon Hwa. You're welcome. See you next time.**

 **...**

 **Rito Dey  
** _ **I'll promise to really think about it. Will that be alright?**_

 **Mayonaka Yue** **  
** ** _I'll try to include more scenes with the baby in the next chapters!_**


	12. we're a bouquet with plucked wings

So wakes up with the clarity stinging his eyes, a headache making him regret ever being born, and a dizziness that makes him want to throw up. He grunts in protest, moving his aching body and trying to form words with his dry throat, but all that comes out is a whine of pain.

He tries to understand what's happening, contradicting his own body's instinct to curl up and forget the world outside. He fights against his disoriented senses as he tries to at least sit up and see where he is.

But then he feels a hand caressing his loose hair, and he relaxes to her soothing touch.

So surrenders to her caress, buries his head on the pillow and tries to go deeper under the blankets and covers that are tossed around her mattress. He gives in to her massage in his exploding temples and sighs in contempt.

"What happened?" He asks after a while, when he's able to find his voice and not to sound like he swallowed a sand paper.

He knows she's smiling even though he's not looking at her

"You got too drunk last night." He hears her explanation and the last events start to flood his mind in a disarray.

He blinks, trying to put things in order, turning his face around so he can see her properly, "And I came here?"

"You did," she nods slowly, moving his hair off his face, "You kept talking non-stop and then you passed out on my mattress."

Her words trigger a memory, as he recalls turning around from his room because he really wanted to see her. Then So remembers barging into her room and waking her up, so he grunts once again.

"I'm sorry."

"Who's complaining?" Her smile only grows bigger as she lays down close to him, "It was adorable."

"That might be even worse." So buries his head in the pillow once again, dreading the words he might have said and the behavior he presented last night.

But she chuckles, nudging him teasingly, and he loves the sound of it. Even if his brain wants nothing but to fall asleep once again.

"You just kept saying you were happy," she continues to describe his actions with an amused voice, "But you couldn't tell why, because it was a secret."

He does remember saying those words, but something feels fuzzy.

"You already know it, why would I say it was a secret? No, wait. I think I remember." He turns around, scrutinizing her room, trying to confirm a few things from his foggy memory, then pointing to a piece of furniture he's somewhat sure it was involved, "Was I, for a chance, talking to that stand?"

She laughs, and he knows he looks mortified, on top of sick, but it doesn't stop her from teasing him a little more.

"No." She holds his arm and moves it so his finger is pointing to a different stand, a few meters away from the one he indicated, "That one."

He whines and grunts once again, letting his head fall back to the pillow, and she giggles, caressing his hair a last time and kissing the top of his head before standing up.

She moves away from the mattress, sitting before a small table where she always prepares some tea whenever she has morning sickness. Soo relocates the pots, organizing in an order he learnt the hard way to never disturb.

So settles in watching her work in silence, accommodating in her bed and relishing in the warmth of the room. But then another memory makes him sit upright, and he looks around looking for his robes and his hairpin.

"How late is it?" He asks a confused Hae Soo and she shrugs.

"A little," she answers indifferently, since the time hasn't been very clear for her after she conceived and started to hide from public view, "I had a small breakfast at the Damiwon. I would have waited for you, but…"

She leaves the explanation in the air, and he immediately understands what she's trying to say, "I guess someone was hungry."

"Someone might be hungry again very soon, so I can still keep you company if you want to ask for your breakfast."

"No food for me, thank you," he says, and not only because of the protest of his stomach, but also because he doesn't have time to eat anything, "Do you have any tea that'll make me normal again?"

"It's mixing. Be patient," she chastises him, but So continues to try to look presentable with his wrinkled robe and bed hair, "And you have to eat at least the soup."

So turns to look at her table and sees the bowl of soup she's ordering him to have, and never has he been so relieved for having to dash out to the throne room before.

"I have to go," he explains quickly, "There's a meeting right now..."

"Not anymore," she cuts him, pulling him down by the sleeve of his robe. He's caught by surprise at her interruption, so he can't protest or come up with a different excuse to avoid this situation, "You'll like the soup. I made it myself."

She drags the bowl across the table until it's right in front of him, and puts a spoon beside him. So looks down at it, unsure of what to say or what to do, "You cooked?"

Soo looks at him, clearly affronted, her eyebrow twitching in annoyance, and he shudders.

"What?" she snaps in a hormonal fit, "You trust me with teas, but not with actual food?" Her question is not a question, but even so, he starts to come up with an excuse that sounds like an answer, so she won't grow even madder.

"Well, I'm sure it has lots of medicinal properties," he swirls the spoon in the repulsive looking green liquid apprehensively, "But I'm not sure about the taste."

Her angry expression fades away a little bit, but she's clearly still affronted, so he decides not to try his luck.

"It's medicine. It's not supposed to taste good," she nudges the bowl to him, just a little bit aggressive, "Now drink."

"A king shouldn't be undignified like this," he complains, but eats the soup by taking the bowl and gulping it all down in one go.

He then regrets his decision and proceeds to cough and choke from the burning sensation her medicine left in his throat, still feeling her unmerciful watch.

"Honestly, none of this would be happening if you didn't drink so much."

So tries to stop coughing, and manages to speak, his eyes getting teary, "What was I supposed to do?"

"Put on your scary face and come to me," she says with a pout, getting sullen once again, and he smiles.

"You've been too needy lately."

Soo hisses, clicking her tongue, and nudges his ribcage in protest, "You know why, and you're partially responsible for it."

"Then, let me make up for that," So comes closer, his head leaning down until his forehead touches her belly, and he whispers to it gently, "Don't give a hard time to your mother."

He waits for some kind of response, but even after receiving none, he kisses her slightly swollen belly, trying to reach the sleeping unborn infant, that's not even in the world yet, but already changed his life so much.

"So, no morning meeting?" He asks as he straightens back to drink the tea she just poured for him

"That's right," she says, her smile already back at full force, "I said you were ill in the middle of the night and is now recovering."

So tries to picture her walking into the throne room, full of old and bitter clan leaders, and softly and politely telling them to leave, and he gags in shock, "You said it to the ministers in court?"

Soo blinks in confusion and then also gasps when she realizes what he understood from her narrative.

"I said it to Ji Mong," she explains better, and then continues so speak in a shocked tone, "Can you imagine the scene? The woman of the king coming to court to say he's not going to attend a meeting!"

"That would be a great scene to watch," he says with conviction, since he has already imagined it in his mind.

"They would dethrone you immediately." Soo scoffs, but smiles anyway.

He lets the silence settle around them, as he takes comfort in savoring his tea and just watching Hae Soo do whatever she always does in an unnecessarily complicated tea ritual, and he comes to conclusion that this is happiness for him.

This is happiness for him, but the world outside always wanted to take it away.

"Thank you," he says, referring to the free morning he just got, and she nods.

"Anytime," she smiles at him, always glad to be of help, "Oh, and the astronomer asked me to remind you that the ambassador is arriving this afternoon."

He groans, his headache threatening to get worse at the mention of the visitor, who had slipped from his memory, that he would have to discuss a few trading deals with. All the thoughts of having a peaceful day after a tiresome week, shattering and turning into dust.

"I had forgotten about that. I think I'll need more tea."

"You'll go meet him with the Queen, right?" She asks as she pours him another cup, and he starts to drink it all as quickly as possible.

"He's bringing his wife. Unless I want to be impolite and create tension among the nations, I have to bring my wife as well," he explains his position, somber, as he also takes no pleasure in his situation, "Well, his wife was one chosen among others, but I can't even do that, can I? I guess no one wants to marry Gwangjong."

He pouts, but Hae Soo smiles teasingly, "I can relate."

Usually So would retort her comment, but he's too wasted to think of a decent retort, so he lets get away with it, and just asks for more tea.

"Will you be fine alone all day?" he asks after a few more moments of silence, unable to hide the worry in his voice, "This might end up quite late."

"I'll manage it," she shrugs, trying to assure him, "Just don't get too drunk and come to throw up in my room."

So knows she's only teasing, but he sighs and bows his head, "Again, I'm sorry."

"Why were you even drinking?" Her curiosity spikes, and she forgets all about the tea ceremony procedures, turning to him for a proper interrogation, "The 13th prince is a bad influence on you."

He hesitates before answering, knowing she won't like it. But it is inevitable, and she'll find out eventually, so he braces himself and confesses, "We were discussing names."

"Names?"

"Baby names."

Soo blinks once, then twice, then she explodes, "Yah! You should be deciding that with me, not your brother!"

"Easy. I didn't decide anything. I just thought about a few options," he holds her hands, clenched into fists and hitting at his shoulder, preventing her from throwing things at him, "You come up with your own options too, and when the time comes we'll go over them together. Alright?"

Soo doesn't look as angered as before, but she sighs and rolls her eyes, "You've been like this ever since you felt the baby moving."

"It's magical, and I don't know how you're not as happy as I am," he says with his sweetest smile, which is not hard when he remembers the first time his child kicked his hand.

Her anger subsides quicker than usual at his happy and joyful expression, and she sighs in frustration, whining as she pulls her hands free to cover her teary eyes.

"Well, I am," she says miserably, her emotions spiraling out of control once again, "I am just too conflicted to be showing anything at all."

"No," he disagrees softly, placing a hand at the side of her stomach, "you're definitely showing something right here."

"Really?" She shrieks, her hands falling to her belly, fussing over clothes as she tries to conceal the growth of her secret baby.

But then he smiles and adds, "Your love."

"Pyeha," she whines annoyed, but when she hits him So knows she's not mad at his attempt to lighten her mood.

He kisses her temple and stands up to rearrange his clothes and his hair, and then commenting as a second thought, even though it's for her own sake, "Put one more coat when you leave the room."

"I'm already doing that," she says, reaching to the said coat and wrapping it around herself, but her face still showing her worry, "I can't help being paranoid over it."

So sighs, not liking to see her so conflicted and anxious, "If you want to end it, let me announce your pregnancy."

"I think you're still drunk."

.

.

.

.

After he manages to settle his stomach down, he goes back to his room and sits down to have his makeup redone and his hair properly combed and tied.

Soo has already untangled the knots in his hair, even though he protested like a little as usual. She has already tied it up with his usual hairpin, managing to escape from his attempts to flirt with her as she works. But before she can start to cover his scar again the doors open behind her.

She's about to turn around, her hands ready to come to her belly and her back ready to bow to the visitor. But then Soo hears her voice and decides it's better not to move at all.

"The ambassador has arrived," the Queen says with a polished and distant tone, and even though there is no threat to her, Soo shivers in fear.

"Is that so?" she hears the king say, but she continues with her head low, fussing over the pots, trying to look busy and not to capture the other woman's gaze, "Make sure he is accommodated properly."

"This has taken care of," Daemok replies, but she has not finished yet, so she remains in the room, "He required to have a meal before he attended the meeting with you, Pyeha."

"Very well," So says and Soo wonders why did she have to come here to just talk about this, "That will give me time to get ready as well. Send word to him that he has not to hurry. I've freed up my schedule to attend him."

"I will do as you say."

The Queen is finally gone then. But Soo waits a few seconds after the door has closed to stop pretending and to turn around, her hand covering her belly, as if trying to protect her baby.

"Do you think she noticed?" Soo's question comes out in a whisper, her voice shaky after being caught out of guard by the sudden arrival of the woman she wanted to avoid the most.

However, So looks relaxed and nonchalant, so she walks closer and tries to take some of his easiness as he looks at her with a carefree face.

"I think my scar was enough distraction," he comments, and that's when she realizes his face is clean, and that she hasn't started to apply the concealer. The pot still back on the tray she was fumbling with when she was interrupted.

"I didn't even turn to greet her," she recalls with an aghast tone. And then she smiles despite her nervousness, "She'll be mad."

"I think she has learned from experience to leave you alone." So grins and she can't help but giggle.

She continues to laugh as she recalls the look on the woman's face after being drenched in tea water and attacked by some kind of feline creature, the King clearly thinking about the same scene.

But still, her hand shakes a little when she holds the brush, her breathing becomes somewhat erratic, and a small, but sharp, pain starts to build inside her chest, her palpitation seeming to grow stronger with her anxiety, no matter how much she tries to find relief in his eyes, or how much she tries to laugh at the Queen's perplexity.

So notices it, as it's not the first time she starts to panic over small things, and breathes in and out deeply, trying to come up with something to ease her.

"She didn't notice," he holds her hand after she's finished with his makeup, "If anything, all she could see is that you gained a few pounds. But that's normal for you during winter."

Soo's hand stops trembling, as he successfully distracts her mind from her anxious thoughts. However, her eyebrow twitches, as he heedlessly mentions another forbidden topic.

"Are you calling me fat?" She knows it's irrational to be mad at him because of such petty matters, but it annoys her hormonal and sensitive self, so she'll be mad. Her feelings had been a mess way before she got pregnant, and now she has grown tired of holding them back.

And, by the way her expression changes, he also knows she's mad.

"I'm calling you healthy," he says with his sweetest smile, but he can't deceive her, "Remember how bad your shape was when you were at the Gyobang?"

"But when I'm healthy I look fat?"

"You look beautiful," his eyes glint as he says adoringly, and her heart melts.

Well, maybe he can deceive her a little, but if always kisses her like this, then she doesn't mind being deceived.

"You'll run out of excuses one of these days," she mutters after he's pulled away, but they both know she's in her happy mood now.

"Not when I love you so much," he exclaims before leaving and she groans, rolling her eyes.

"Now I'm sure you're still drunk."

His laugh echoes in the small changing room and she's smiling to herself like crazy once again.

This moment is another one she bottles, puts in a safe inside her heart, guards it, so only she can go to when she's weeping of pain in a cold and empty bed. She marks it down, revives it, so she can keep it in her memory, fresh as if it just happened, so she can be warm at night.

And when she starts to organize all of the pots and brushes and trays, she lets her mind wander and go to him, go to their baby, so she can distract herself from the numbness in her fingertips.

 _Maybe I should have putted another coat on, like he suggested._

Soo is about to leave the small room and stay in a more secluded place in the Damiwon, trying out the new mixes and herbs, when Yoobin comes in.

The senior court lady's face is emotionless as ever when she bows in greeting, and Soo knows better than to think she has come for idle chatting. So she waits the woman take the neat tray before following her out.

"I'll be at the usual place today as well," Soo says in her Sanggung tone and the other woman nods in agreement, "Is there anything new today?"

"More herbs have arrived, but very few are in need of cataloging, as the storage have been properly organized," Yoobin starts to list the activities Soo can take, "We do however, finished a new set of soaps that need to be checked. The younger girls did them."

"I'll trust you and the other ones with the herbs." Soo doesn't think she can handle the dire routine of organization, even though it's not that exhausting, "Send the soaps and the girls later. And tell them I'll want to see their performance at serving tea."

"In this case, I'll also send the ones who failed last time." The court lady bows and starts to leave, but then she adds quickly, as if she had almost forgotten to say it before, "Oh, and Minjin heard a funny story yesterday, I'm sure you'd love to listen."

Hae Soo smiles, the dull pain returning.

"I'll be glad to."

.

.

.

.

The next day, Soo sits down at the Damiwon like usual, serving her own tea as she holds an extra blanket over her shoulders, even though she's not that cold. Today she uses the extra layer of cloth as a protection against prying eyes and evil machinations.

The tea is also to give her some inner strength, to stop her heart from throbbing like crazy, and her anxious hands from shaking, to give her determination and stableness. Because against her foe this time, she'll need every bit of ruthlessness she can find in her.

That's why, when the door opens and Daemok walks in, she doesn't look fazed at all, but smiles politely to greet the woman, who doesn't move to walk towards her.

"You can come closer," she reassures the woman, even though her pleasantry is fake, "I'm not going to jump at you this time."

The Queen's lips purse as her frown deepens, but she strides across the room and sits before her at the small table.

"You have the nerve to summon me here, and now you even make jokes?"

And just because it clearly annoys the other woman, Soo makes a point of smiling even more as she pours a cup of tea for her visitor, "Well, you're here, so I'm sure you're at least curious, isn't that so?"

"I'm not in the mood for tea," Yeon Hwa doesn't even bother to look down at her cup, "Just tell me what you want."

She sounds restless and eager to leave the room, and Soo can't blame her. She also doesn't want to stay even one more second in there, but she's not about to let that show.

"Calm down, Hwanghu. There are no witnesses, and Pyeha isn't around to reprimand you."

"What do you want?" Daemok bursts, and since she's going directly to the point, Soo decides to do the same.

"Leave me alone," she answers the Queen with the coldest tone she has, trying her best to not hit the woman with the teacup once again.

"What? Leave you?" Yeon Hwa scoffs and Hae Soo hates that sound, "You were the one who asked to see me."

"Well, I don't get involved in the intrigues of you people, so I'm sure I'm out of a few things," Soo nods slowly, but does not back down, "But I know you're right in the middle of everything, and that I'm currently a target, so stop. Just leave me alone."

"Why would I target you?"

"That I don't know for sure. Why do you hate me?" Soo puts on a look of curiosity, and speaks in an innocent voice, "Is it because I sleep with your husband? Maybe it's because he actually listens to me and that is somehow a threat to you? Or maybe it's because you can't control me?" The other woman's eyes harden, but Soo's smile doesn't fade, even if she's basically threatening her, "I don't know for sure, and I don't care. I don't like you either. But you will stop whatever it is you're doing."

"You're crazy. If you think I'm planning to take you down…"

"If it's not you, then you'll protect me."

Daemok's laugh makes her anger boil once again, but she's seen many villains in dramas laugh just like that, so Soo knows how this conversation is going to end. And that's why she doesn't lose her composure at the other woman's attitude, "You really lost your mind."

"You will protect me, Hwanghu," Soo says it again, more pointedly this time, "You will, because if you don't, you're doomed as well." Her grin grows into a maniacal expression as she leans in over the table, unsettling the woman with her fixated gaze, "Or do you really think Pyeha won't suspect and destroy you the second something happens to me?"

"He might. But he has his own responsibilities to attend to." She shakes her head in a patronizing manner, and speaks in a condescending voice, "You clearly don't know the role of a king."

"And you clearly don't know Wang So," Soo rebuts harshly, but then corrects herself with a depreciative tone towards the other woman, "Oh, no, I'm sure you do know him a little. You knew he would never accept your clan proposal unless I convinced him, and that's why you came to me, isn't it? Now, let me tell you something else about Pyeha." Soo takes the cup from the table nonchalantly before continuing to explain the woman's situation, "He is not his father, he is not like any of you here. If I'm ever harmed in any way, he won't hesitate in forsaking and crushing you and your whole clan, even if it means he'll attract blood and fire to the palace. Of course, you might not be the guilty one, but I don't think he would care about that."

She takes a break to sip of her tea, and listens to the woman's sullen words, "You think you can say anything just because of his favor, don't you?"

"You can put my word to the test, if you want to. That is, if you're sure you can survive his wrath." She puts the cup back on the table with a loud noise, ignoring all the etiquette and manners, "Otherwise, you'll put a stop on this plot."

They stare at each other in silence for a few seconds, Soo daring the Queen to attack her once again, and Yeon Hwa wishes she could just kill the noisy insect before her. But none of them look away first.

Soo's hand is itching to throw the porcelain cup on the woman's pretty forehead, but she waits for her answer without moving a muscle.

"I could just make you leave him, what about that?" Daemok says as if she really believed it to be possible, and Soo laughs out loud heartily.

"Please, Hwanghu," she says joyfully, "You'd have to kill me to achieve that."

.

.

.

.

"Are you finished?" So asks, blinking in confusion at her laying figure on his bed in the middle of the day.

"Finished?" she asks in a bored voice, "What is it that I have to do all day but to wait for you?"

He sits next to her, smiling at seeing her earlier than expected, "Didn't you say you'd spend the afternoon at the Damiwon?"

"I wasn't feeling well, so I came back to rest," she lies a little bit, keeping up the bored tone. It won't do any good to have the king worried and fussing over her, "It's annoying, I do nothing besides sit and give orders around, but I always get too tired."

So lays down then, his head resting on the same pillow as hers.

"Let's do something fun, then."

"I'm not in the mood tonight," she rolls around and humpfs to cover her sudden gasp for air, "Let's just stare at the ceiling as I try to fall asleep."

He laughs at her reaction, and his arms wrap around her.

"I meant we should go to the market," he offers again, trying to make her smile as well, "I'll buy you anything you want."

She turns around to face him pouting as she whines, "You already buy me everything I want."

"Well, it is too cold for you to go outside, anyway," he shrugs and gives up on his hasty idea, "What do you want, then? Food? Another silly game?"

"My games aren't silly."

"Of course not, they're awesome," he manages to evade her anger once again and she smiles, "Come on, be a little whimsical and spoiled for now, say whatever it is that you want."

Soo hesitates, but his look is convincing enough to make her actually consider asking for something.

"Anything? I just have to say it, and you'll do it?" She double-checks and gains more confidence when he nods firmly.

"Anything."

She looks down at her hands as she voices her request, "I want you to pick something to give to me."

So doesn't say a thing for a few seconds, and she thinks he might not have heard what she said, but when Soo looks at him, he's blinking in confusion.

"What kind of request is this?"

"You said anything."

"Why?" He sighs, already growing tired from her weird request, even though he was the one who told her to be like this.

"Because then it will have meaning," she doesn't mind she sounds like a spoiled child, she deserves this one wish and she'll have it. It doesn't matter if she was being selfless just a few moments ago, "Just like that hairpin you gave me." Her words don't seem to clarify anything to him, as his expression of confusion doesn't fade away.

"You want another hairpin?"

"I just want you to decide," she bursts out, her patience evaporating as she demands instead of requesting, "Surprise me with a gift."

"You make things hard for me on purpose don't you?"

"Just because you let me," she smiles and nudges up closer to him, "It's your fault for loving me so much."

"Yeah, it is," he chuckles and raises her chin so he can look at her eyes directly, "You'll be fine with anything? Really?"

She nods, already content with having him for herself this night.

Soo never asked much from him. But even before, when she only thought of him as a dear friend and only wished for his well-being, he decided to offer her his devotion. After he became the only one for her, she only needed his love, but he decided to shower her with all the treats she could put her hands on.

She didn't mind the material things he gave her, but from all of the jewelry, clothes and gifts she has received, his heart is still the most precious for her.

"As long as it comes from you," she whispers confidentially to him, "Anything is fine."

She closes her eyes, ignoring the twinge in her chest, and accepts his warmth.

* * *

 **A\N: Sorry if it feels like I'm dragging. There are a few things I want to happen before going to the final bit - like for example, more scenes of Yeon Hwa being put in her place or SoSoo and their baby - but I'm getting there. I know I promised fluff, but please bear with me in the small bits of angst. Thanks a lot.**

 **Rito Dey _Sorry for being mean. But yeah, it's a perfect moment for them to get married..._**


	13. then i cross a bridge

**A\N: Another chapter that refused to get ready on time. Consider the extra length an apology for taking so long to update. Hope you enjoy.**

* * *

Hae Soo never wanted that path to end.

Whenever she walked beside the King, it didn't matter how cold or windy the weather was. She just wanted to keep walking by his side, enjoying his warmth and his presence, listening to his soothing voice and allowing him to hold her close to him, uncaring to the eyes that might be around them.

She wanted them to keep walking forever, and that their point of arrival never came. Just so she could stay freely with him a little longer.

But then his voice takes her out of her musings, breaking her reverie and dragging her to cold and harsh reality.

"This should be our last walk outside," the King says and suddenly she feels the biting harsh winter wind threatening to freeze her bones.

"Excuse me?" Her voice shakes, and she stops on her tracks and turns around to face him, ready for another argument.

"At least while winter lasts," he sighs and explains, as her expression probably shows this isn't going to be an easy conversation, "We shouldn't be outside in the wind. It's not good for you or the baby."

"I'm fine," she says stubbornly, even though her knees had started to hurt again just a few seconds after they went outside.

"Can you really say that even though you have a terminal condition?"

So doesn't like talking about her illness. He'd rather use an argument about how he's king and she should obey his orders, so his unusual question makes her falter. Because, even though she has come to terms about it, it's painful to talk about it to her as well.

Soo blinks hard, looking down to her feet and up to the sky, trying to find words that may reassure him and convince him to not put an end to their routine strolls around the palace at the same time.

"That's only years into the future." She can't possibly say that walking with him eases her mind, despite the pain growing in her chest, "I'm fine right now."

He doesn't seem to buy her small lie, even though she's certain she sounded convincing

"You woke up in pain in the middle of the night," he doesn't say it accusingly, but it does sound so, and she can't hide her guilt. But at the same there is shock on her face, as she was certain he was fast asleep when she quickly escaped from his bed and his room that night, to try to calm her heart from hammering against her rib cage and bursting into pieces, and her stomach from emptying itself completely of the little dinner she had, and then when she quietly came back to his side and tried to fall asleep.

He notices her surprise and raises his eyebrows incredulously, "What? You really believed I wouldn't notice it? Or all the other times you tried to hide it from me?"

Soo flinches guilty, as there is a considerable number of times she attempted to hide the twinges on her chest or her knees from him. And the fact that it happened as often when he wasn't around and she never mentioned it to him, made it worse.

"I didn't want to worry you."

 _I didn't want you to know my condition is deteriorating faster than we expected. I didn't want you blaming yourself for something that is completely out of control. I didn't want you to suffer too._

The King takes a deep breath, clearly annoyed by her decision to hide things, even though it was for his sake.

"So you'll just pretend to be fine and keep risking your health and our child's for a pointless tradition?" He sounds angry, and even though she truly believes that their tradition holds meaning, this time she can't argue back. Because he also sounds hurt and worried, as if his whole world is about to fade away.

"You don't have to know everything."

She feels his hands take a gentle hold on her shoulders before he speaks softly, "I have the right to know everything, because I have the duty to protect and take care of you. Both of you."

Soo looks at him, then. And while So does look afraid and worried, she can't help herself from smiling softly, feeling rather comforted by him fussing over her.

"You're not my husband."

"I'm the father of your child."

He smiles faintly as well, but still looks tense and unnerved, desperate and eager to put her in a fortified box so there'll be no harm over her. And even though she finds it endearing right now, she's sure he'll keep on fussing as long as his worries don't fade, so she decides to comply with his request. At least to give him some tranquility.

"Alright then," she yields, taking a deep breath before acquiescing, "I promise, this is the last time we'll walk together outside."

"I'm sorry. But at least until spring comes that's how it has to be." He lets go of one of her shoulders, caressing her head and her hair softly, clearly relieved and reassured, "Now come, you should go straight to your room today. Get some rest. The girls at the Damiwon have everything under control."

He starts to pull her by her hand back to the same way they came and she struggles against it, starting to panic, because this walk has a definite purpose, and it's not going back while still halfway through it.

"Go back? Now?"

"I told you yesterday," he blinks, taken aback by her reaction, "The meeting, have you forgotten?"

Then it's her turn to blink in surprise, as she has indeed forgotten all about the meeting summoned by the elders to discuss a change in their taxes and contributions to the crown and the royal army, especially in the areas of conflict. So had been complaining about it for the past few days, grumbling about how they all just wanted to take a piece out of him, and wouldn't be satisfied until he started bleeding, never mind the damage it would be to the borders.

It is an important and crucial meeting, and there's no way Soo can convince him to neglect his royal duties this time. It would also be reckless from her to do so.

But she can't go back now.

Her eyes roam around quickly, trying to come with something, because if the returns to the shadow of the palace then it will all be over. So when she glimpses her piles of stones she blurts before he can drag her back.

"You can go back first, then. I want to finish my new stone prayer."

"A new stone prayer?"

"For the little one. See?" She points to the spot in the distance, but doubts he can see it, as it is too small and a little far for him to be able to do so, "Since I won't be coming back for a while, I should finish it today."

The King looks rather dubious, torn between agreeing to a few moments of peace of mind for her and bringing her back right this instant, because the sages said that snow might fall any moment now.

"It's really cold today."

"Then leave me your," she provides a solution quickly, as she is always ready to every argument he may use, "I promise I won't take long. And I'll go straight to my room afterwards, for a very warm cup of tea. And tomorrow I won't even raise from my bed."

So takes a deep breath, sighing in defeat and her smile grows as he begins to take out his black and long coat, and stands before her only on his royal robe.

"Don't let it wrinkle."

"Have I ever wrinkled any of your clothes?"

So narrows his eyes at her comment, smiling mischievously, and she can't help herself from smiling back as he carefully places his coat over her shoulders, meticulously closing it, so it won't fall or open by the wind.

"Don't take too long," he says it again, this time in the regal and commanding tone, and she nods firmly.

She continues to smile, even after he starts to walk away and she keeps watching his back, waiting for that usual moment he takes to turn around and smile at her.

Had it been the 21st Century, Hae Soo probably would have blown a kiss for him, or made hearts with her hands. But since she's trapped in the past, she decides to be old-fashioned.

"Pyeha," she calls out loud enough for him to hear, "I love you."

His grin grows even more, and he shouts back at her.

"I know."

Soo keeps watching him until he takes a turn and goes out of view. And then her bliss is completely replaced by her melancholy.

That wasn't the first time she ever told him she loved him. But compared to how many times she said it when she was Go Ha Jin, she didn't tell him that often enough. Perhaps even compared to how many times she heard him tell her, her own words had been trapped inside her mouth.

Soo knows So doesn't mind how many times she tells him she loves him, but now she regrets not saying it more.

That was a regret she didn't want to leave behind.

To keep the unwanted thoughts at bay, and to stop recounting all of her regrets, she decides to pile the rest of her stones quickly, sending another prayer for her friends and her small family.

Her hands are still clasped together, and her mind is focused on her wishes, but she hears the sound of footsteps clearly and loudly, and her focus is gone.

"Wangjanim."

"Am I late?" Baek Ah approaches carefully, looking around them to see if anything is off, "You were supposed to be further ahead."

Soo shakes her head, her hands falling down and she holds tightly to So's coat.

"You're just in time, I just wanted to finish something," she explains to ease his mind, taking one last look to her precious prayer stones, "I trust everything is set."

The 13th Prince looks a little disturbed and still uncertain, but a little affronted by having her questioning his course of action, "I wouldn't risk your safety. Or the baby's."

"I know that," she manages to smile, despite the grief that starts to take hold of her, "It's just that, now that the time has come, I'm a little scared."

"There's still time to change your mind."

She wishes she could. She wishes he could tell him to put an end to all plans, go back to her room, take a very warm cup of tea and wait for him to go to her, just laying in her bed and giving her knees a much needed rest. She wishes she could keep on her promises and not lie to him again.

But now she has more than herself to worry about, and she doesn't want to lose anyone else.

If changing her mind now means risking her child's safety, then there's no need to think about it again.

"No. We'll follow as planned, and everything will be fine." Soo takes a deep breath, gathering her last bit of courage that lasted from her feisty days, "I'm sure I'll be a lot calmer when all of this is over with."

Baek Ah hands out a small chest for her and she holds it closer to her chest. It is small enough to not draw unnecessary attention, and big enough to conceal all of her treasures and secrets. It is heavy, but not enough to tire her.

And compared to her newest regret, it doesn't weigh a bit.

 _Ah, I should have kissed him before leaving._

The 13th Prince starts to walk away in the opposite direction the King left a few minutes ago, and she follows closely behind, fighting hard to not look around.

"I really hope you know what you're doing," Baek Ah says under his breath, still sounding dissatisfied with the path they are taking.

At his comment, Hae Soo can only smile bitterly, swallowing her regrets, "I'm doing what I must."

 **.**

 **.**

 **.**

 **.**

The meeting comes to an end with a massive headache for So, and once again he laments not being able to use his fists and his sword to discuss and solve things at court.

But as soon as he walks out of the confined room and out to the courtyard, letting the fresh air bring him some calmness and clarity, he tries to forget about the elders' faces and cries of outrage, before he goes mad.

Instead, he decides to think about Hae Soo and cling to the last piece of his life that still makes some sense.

So feels the weight on his shoulders getting lighter as he walks down to her room, the tension leaving his body at the prospect of seeing her again. It is already pretty late and she should be sleeping so she wouldn't push her body, but he was sure she's still up, probably writing poems or letters, waiting for him to show up. Hae Soo was always too restless to simply fall asleep and get some rest.

That's why, when he arrives and sees she's not in her room, even though he's appalled, he's not surprised. Despite her promise earlier to go straight to her room, So was sure she just couldn't resist the temptation to visit the Damiwon quickly, and then got too absorbed and lost track of the time.

He starts to prepare a scolding speech, even though he knows she'll disarm him like always and he'll end up giving in to her big and shiny eyes.

However, the speech dies before he can even start saying it, as he opens the doors to her usual room and finds it cold and empty.

Caught by surprise, he turns around, going to each and every room he sees, trying to understand why would she chose a different room to stay, when he sees the court lady that always accompanied Soo and calls out to her.

"Is Hae Soo here?" He asks the woman after he's closer and she has straightened her body from her bow.

"She hasn't come today, Pyeha," the court lady answers without looking at him and shows no sign of unsettledness, so he manages to calm down a little bit.

"If she happens to show up, tell her I need to see her."

There is still a possibility that they missed each other, the palace is way too big after all. He has to remain cold headed and not to start an unnecessary ruckus.

Yoo Bin seems to understand this as well, and bows once again, "I will do as you command."

He dismisses the court lady and marches up quickly to his room, hoping she had decided to sneak up there and wait for him, his heart already running fast, a cold sweat starting to form on his brow and a dread starting to pool and sink on his stomach.

And then the hopelessness and emptiness when he opens his doors and finds his room as empty as hers.

He can't think.

He can't breathe.

He can't do anything at all.

He takes a deep breath, trying to come up with something. Trying to come up with anything. Trying to form a plan of action so he can decide what is the next step to make things right again. Trying to make sense of what's happening, because he feels the world is spiraling out of control.

The world is spiraling out of control, and he has to do something, quick, before it ceases to have meaning once again.

He traces back his last few moments with her. Her small form wrapped in a coat that was way too big for her, smiling like a child as he waved goodbye, standing next to the praying stones, because she wanted to pile a new one for their unborn child, and his mind clears a little bit.

He rushes to the outside, to her praying stones, holding his breath in apprehension, making a pray himself to see her there, untouched and unharmed.

Then it takes all of his control to not knock all of the towers down in frustration after he double checks, triple checks, to make sure she's not there. Not anywhere around the place he last saw her, and he feels like he's about to lose his last trace of sanity.

He rushes back to his room, then to her room, feeling like he's hallucinating or just having a really bad dream, as he investigates every corner in the chambers, behind screens and windows, under his bed and under the covers, only to be frustrated once again.

Then he walks back to the Damiwon, checking the Sanggung office and the guest rooms, searching the empty bath area and the accommodations of the court ladies.

At some point of his search, he stumbles on the court lady Yoo Bin, and quickly interrogates her even before she can bow or greet him.

"Still no sign of Hae Sanggung?"

"No, nothing, Pyeha." The woman sounds apprehensive, and his heart is swallowed by his worries.

"Did she mention anything about where she might be today?" He hopes it's all a misunderstanding and he just needs to find the lost bit of information, but the woman shakes her head emphatically.

"Hae Sanggung only said that if she doesn't show up at the Damiwon, I'm to assume she's feeling ill."

"She never sends word or anything of the sort?"

"Not unless she needs me."

"What about the other court ladies?"

"The only one she would ask besides me would be Min Ji, and she was by my side the entire day."

So takes another deep breath, and forms another plan of action. Holding tightly to every bit of reason he still has left.

"Be discreet about what you say and do," he tells the woman who nods as she receives the orders, "I'll need you to walk a few rounds in the palace. Keep your eyes open."

As soon as the orders leave his mouth he turns around to check their rooms once again, but the court lady calls out behind him.

"Forgive me for speaking out of turn," she says in a firm voice, "But have you seen around the palace gardens? She might have had a pain crisis and fainted once again."

Another evil thought seems to grow in the back of his mind. That she is dead or dying somewhere outside, all alone in a cold night, and that he doesn't arrive in time to help her, and his heart seems to stop dead cold on his chest.

"I'll be going right now," he tells the woman in a hurry, as he starts to walk away from the Damiwon, "When you're finished with the palace, check the Astronomer Tower."

He doesn't wait for the court lady to answer, he rushes out through the doors and starts to run, uncaring about decorum or protocol. He runs through all known paths around the gardens, and the unknown ones as well. He runs to one margin of the lake and then to another, checking under every tree and over every stone in the way.

So doesn't know for how long he runs, he just keeps on running, going over the same place multiple times, only stopping when he sees the lantern of the court lady rushing to him and he waits for her, gasping.

"I can't find her," he says at her expectant glance.

The woman shakes her head slowly, looking worried as well, "There's no sign of her anywhere, Pyeha."

His breathing is already erratic, so the court lady does not notice how her words affect him. So feels like he's out of breath, but not because of some malfunctioning of his lungs, but because he's being torn apart and tossed around in the hurricane that his mind becomes.

He starts to walk mechanically, no thoughts involved in the process as he returns to her room. He just stands there, unable to breathe properly, unable to think properly, unable to do anything but to stare at the emptiness before him. The emptiness inside him.

He can't take another deep breath. He can't form another plan. He can't make sense of anything.

The world is out of control, and he can only watch it, helpless.

But still, he tries to stand up in the middle of his chaos, to fight against his dilacerated heart to cool down his head and fix things. Because, even though everything is out of control, Hae Soo needs him. Wherever she is, she needs him, and he won't let her down.

So doesn't know how long he stands there, trying to reorganize his thoughts, trying to calm down his heart, trying to get a hold of himself, when the doors open behind him and he turns to see a familiar face.

"Pyeha," his brother greets him, bowing down. And even though he doesn't feel as relieved as he would have, had it been Soo coming in, he feels some alleviation anyway.

"Baek Ah-yah, I need you to help me."

So jumps out to him, holding him by his shoulders, too eager to care about anything other than finding her and bring her back home.

His brother, however, doesn't seem to understand how grave the situation is, "Wait, you need to calm down first."

"I can't calm down. Soo's missing. She's been missing for hours now, and it's already dark outside." He lets go of him, starting to pace around the room in a frenzy, "I can't find her anywhere. She might have collapsed somewhere and I have to find her before it's too late."

"Maybe she's not collapsed." Baek Ah's words are faint, but they manage to reach his ears and pull him out of his reverie.

That would make sense, So begins to think. Maybe she's not collapsed somewhere outside, because she isn't in the palace anymore to begin with.

"You're right. Maybe she was kidnapped." The new theory makes more sense, and his despair and emptiness begins to merge into anger and rage, "Those old geezers always wanted to get rid of her…"

He has a new plan of action now. Find out who's the one who took Soo away, then track him down to where she is, destroy the bastard's life and bring her back. There will be no way to placate his fury.

"Pyeha," Baek Ah stops him before he can march out to take his sword, taking a deep breath before continuing to speak, "I know where she is."

Some of his anger seems to fade at the relief to hear his brother's words.

"You know where she is," he repeats to know that it's real, Baek Ah knows where she is, so he can go to where she is right now and put things in the right places.

"I do," he nods reassuringly, speaking firmly and So feels like he can breath properly now, "Oh, but I can't tell you."

So blinks in surprise, not expecting this turn of events. His relief freezes, and perplexity starts to take over him, his body going into a state of stupor and numbness.

He feels his nerves tumbling as hysteria makes him chuckle, this sequence of absurds finally making him lose any sign of sanity.

"You can't. Why you can't? Of course you can," he sounds like a madman, clinging to Baek Ah's shoulders like he's a driftwood in the middle of the sea, because if he can't bring Soo back to his side, then the world has no meaning and he won't be able to come back to reason, "Who took her away? Where is she? Tell me right now, so I can bring her back."

"Pyeha…"

"Baek Ah-yah, where is Soo?"

His grip gets stronger, and something in the back of his mind tells him it's too strong, that it probably hurts, but that small voice gets lost in the storm that rages inside of him. He can't think straight, he just knows he needs to see her.

"She's alright. I know where she is, but I can't tell you. At least, not now," _Not here_ , Baek Ah's eyes seem to say, and So is lost to what is happening once again, "If you want to see her, you'll have to promise me something."

So's about to shout, to demand his brother to take him to her, to order him to tell where she is this very instant. But before he can say anything, Baek Ah raises an arm, holding out something for him to see.

It's small and not that shiny, but it catches So undivided attention. Some of his storm seem to quiet down when he sees the small piece of jewelry on his brother's hand. Her peony hairpin a clear message to him, and he finds the train of reason again.

"She's alright?" He sighs in relief, feeling like his heart and his mind finally calm down at the sight of her hairpin in Baek Ah's hold, but there are still things amiss, "Promise?"

 **.**

.

 **.**

 **.**

Soo knew her plan was insane. She said it to herself as she mused over her course of action on the past few months. The 13th Prince said it to her over and over again as they sneaked out of the palace and to the dark night, and kept saying as they took the secret path to the horses he had concealed before.

(He also kept saying ' _Pyeha is going to kill me_ ' the entire time, so she had to block some of his mutterings)

When they finally arrive, it's already getting dark, and Baek Ah's continued musings have merged into an expression of guilt graved into his face. Her back and her knees protest the hurried trip, and the little one complains by vividly kicking her midriff. She's hungry and her fingers tingle from the cold and for the first time in her life she wishes she was back at the palace.

But then she goes into the cottage, taking shelter from the cold winter, and takes the liberty to start a small fire to prepare some tea, while she waits for Baek Ah to light up the wood to heat the room. And when she feels warm on the inside and on the outside, she breathes in and out deeply, savoring the air outside the bars of her cage for the first time in years.

That's when the doors open and Baek Ah comes closer, fumbling with his hands in guilt and anxiety.

"I know I said I don't care what he does to me…" his voice trails off, the fear clear in his expression.

Soo raises a hand to her hair, untangling a piece of jewelry from her hair strands before giving it to him.

"Here, take this."

"A hairpin," Baek Ah says as he holds her peony hairpin, thoroughly inspecting it, "The finest weapon in the world."

She smiles at his weak attempt of humor, tainted with tension.

"Show it to him and he'll listen to you," Soo explains briefly, there is no time for her to tell him the whole backstory of the hairpin, "And hopefully he'll put any backlash to another time."

"That relieves me," Baek Ah says, not sounding even a bit relieved, "Be safe and don't go out. I'll be right back."

He walks away, closing the door behind him, and Hae Soo is all alone.

There is a feeling of vulnerability, but a bigger feeling of freedom when she thinks about her situation.

She's free. She could walk out this room if she wanted, and keep on walking to wherever she desired. There were no guards outside, no walls.

There was no one.

She's free, but she wanted to be free with him.

The King's coat is still around her shoulders, and although she doesn't need it to protect her against the cold, Soo pulls it tighter around her, holding to this piece of him so she doesn't feel lonely.

As the times pass, she tries to distract her idle mind, before all of the dark thoughts start to shake her confidence. Soo prepares tea mixtures and incense pouches, she draws shapes in the discarded piece of paper and then stands up to exercise her aching body. She finds something quick to eat and talks to her baby, watching through the small window as the stars try to illuminate the moonless night and she waits.

She doesn't know how much time passes, as time doesn't even seem to exist in such a remote place. But she's already tired of waiting, sitting on the empty room, when she hears the sound of horses and the door barges open as the King marches in.

He sees her almost immediately and before she can say anything he is right in front of her.

"Come." So takes a hold of her wrist and begins to drag her behind him, but she yanks her arm free before he can bring her out of the room.

"I can't."

"You can't?"

"Pyeha, listen…"

"I'll listen when we're back to the palace," he cuts her and takes her wrist again, "Now come."

Soo pulls her arm free, then out of his reach. His anger seems to aggravate at her actions, so explains quickly.

"It's too cold outside. It's late and I have to rest. My knees are hurting and I just felt a twinge of pain in my chest," she says bluntly, not minding his pained reaction, "It's pitch black, so the roads aren't safe anymore. It was already dangerous to come here without harming the baby."

That makes him pause, staring attentively at her, in silence for a few seconds before speaking.

"Fine, then." The King marches up quickly to spot next to the door and sit down, leaning his head against the wall, "You go to sleep, and I'll wait right here. When it clears, we're going back."

"I'm not going back."

"I wasn't asking. Now go rest."

"Pyeha, listen…"

"I already said I'll listen when we're back," he says without looking at her, an iron mask on his face, "Now get some sleep."

Soo sighs, feeling tired of this conversation already, even though she knew convincing him wouldn't be easy. She walks closer and sits down in front of him, leaning her side against the wall, trying to get his attention once again.

"I'm not going back," she says it again, this time softly.

So's eyes finally meet hers, but he still doesn't sound calm or appeased, "Then where are you going?"

He sounds like a lost man, trying to make sense of what's happening around him, and once again, she feels bad for what she did earlier.

"Nowhere."

He scoffs at her answer, but doesn't put an end to the conversation, "You're not making any sense."

"I won't go back. And I won't go anywhere," she explains firmly, but gently at the same time, "I'm staying right here."

"Now you're being ridiculous," he cries, skeptical, "Do you even know where you are?"

"The third residence of the 13th Prince Wang Baek Ah."

He blinks, clearly not expecting her answer, but he is quick to recover, "That doesn't mean anything. You can't stay here."

"Why not?"

"Because you said you wouldn't leave!" He shouts abruptly and she flinches, caught by surprise, as he continues to vent out, "You said you'd stay with me in the palace, even if you weren't my wife. You said you wouldn't leave and I just spent the most agonizing hours of my life running all around the place wondering where were you gone to. I even thought you were dead." He comes closer to her, pulling his hands possessively around her shoulders, "You said you wouldn't leave me, so you won't. You'll come back with me tomorrow, and I'll try to forget what happened today."

Soo wishes she could. She wishes the world was simpler and the court wasn't as tricky as it is, so she could take his hand and return to the palace, just when she managed to escape from it.

But there's that funny thing about wishes in Goryeo, so she shakes her head weakly.

"It's too dangerous."

"Is there a plot to assassinate you?"

Soo knows his question is an attempt to convince her that everything will be okay, but there are a few things he doesn't know yet, "Yes. Or at least there was."

"What?"

"Anyway, it doesn't matter if there is or not. What matters is that my belly is almost showing under all of these clothes. And winter is going to end soon, so I can't hide my pregnancy anymore," she places a protective hand over unborn child,"I'm already a target, this will only make them act faster."

The King looks down to her belly, looking mildly confused by her words.

"Why do you need to hide it?" he asks dumbfounded, "I'll just declare you my second wife."

"I can't."

"Well, since you hate being a queen so much, you can be a royal concubine. You'll be safe and no one will dare to touch you," his hold softens as he places a hand on top of hers, "Think about the baby."

She brushes his hand away from her belly, making him focus on her alone.

"I am thinking about the baby, that's why I had to leave." Soo's explanation and logic don't seem to clarify things to him, nor talk him out of his anger.

"No, if you're really thinking about the baby, then you should come back to the palace where I can protect both of you."

Soo takes a deep breath. They have been going back and forth for too long now, and she knows they are both stubborn enough to keep on like this for the entire night, and when morning came they wouldn't have arrived to a consensus. That is why she allows herself to hurt him a little bit.

"How long did it take for you to notice I was gone? How well could any you protect me in the past? How did the late king Taejo protect Oh Sanggung?"

The King falters at her successive attack of questions. He can't retort them, not because he doesn't know the answer, but because it is a reality.

It's their reality. And she doesn't mean to say such things to accuse him or something like that. Soo just wants him to pay attention to their reality, so they can choose the right things for their child.

"I'm not my father," So finally says, suddenly out of breath.

"And I'm not Sanggung," she agrees softly, despite her previous snap, "And the Queen isn't your mother. But the palace is the same. If the only way to save me were to let me go, wouldn't you do it? Do you really want this child to live like we did?"

"We can make it different."

"You can put your life at risk, and I can put mine," she argues, the tears starting to accumulate behind her eyes and she tries her best to not start crying, "But not this child's. If there's a chance to make this baby's life better, shouldn't we take it?"

This time he doesn't answer because she's not asking for one. She's just asking for his collaboration, for him to stand with her and be on the same side so they don't have to fight anymore.

He's silent for a few seconds, very long and agonizing seconds, and then he closes his head, throwing his head back in defeat.

"So you'll leave me," his mind goes to the worst case scenario as always, "Both of you. You'll abandon me."

He sounds lost and lonely once again, just like he did when he confessed why he ripped the late king's letter to her. Or when he opened his heart and she first saw him crying.

Soo couldn't leave him, not even if they threatened to kill her.

If the plot moved further, she wouldn't run away. Just like she did with the Queen, she'd move the right pieces to continue by his side. She'd refuse to be chased away or to lose her few years with him.

But this isn't about her, so she has no option but to leave the palace.

However, the King doesn't seem to fully understand her intentions after coming here, so she places a hand on top his knee, reassuring him that this is not the end.

"I'll come back afterwards," she explains carefully, "This is just to keep our child a secret."

She explains the plan, carefully crafted with the 13th Prince's help, so he can stop worrying and dreading the idea of her staying in the small house, and the prospect of him staying alone back in the palace.

However, after she's finished, he doesn't look reassured at all.

"What kind of things have been sprouting in your head?" he shrieks in disbelief, "This plan of yours preposterous."

Soo knows that without him telling her. She knows it sounds a little silly and too crazy, and even though she feels free, she also feels uncertain, as she took a leap of faith when she left, "It's worth a try."

"It's ridiculous. It's like you'll be gone after the baby is born." She looks away, unable to sustain his gaze and act as if she isn't considering that possibility, and he pants, sounding desperate once again, "Soo-yah, you said you weren't going to die."

Yes, she did. She was so sure back then. When her body wasn't yet feeling the effects of the pregnancy, when her pain was only a mild and occasional discomfort in her chest.

She sighs, not wanting to add more suffering in an already painful conversation.

"I'll survive childbirth. But after that, I don't know," he gapes and his eyes blink in denial. He takes a deep breath, and it's about to say something, but she grabs his hand with both of hers, squeezing and bringing it closer to her lips, "I'm scared too. But what I fear for the most is the safety of the baby. I know you'll love this child endlessly, you already do, but there's only so much you can do," she hesitates for a few seconds, her tears coming to her eyes again, "Your brother had the support and protection of the king, and yet he was always targeted. And even though he was a grown man, he suffered; can you imagine what it would be like to a tiny defenseless infant?"

"I wouldn't let them."

Soo smiles bitterly at his ever constant belief and determination to protect the people he cared about, but her tears don't go away.

"After I'm gone, you'll have to take care and protect a child all alone. Who in the palace can we trust with our baby's life?" As he doesn't say anything, she continues, "Pyeha, what I'm doing is not insane when you compare it to how low those people can be."

So remains silent, looking at her with those lost eyes, as if his heart is breaking on the inside, and it also breaks hers.

Soo looks back at him, trying to show confidence and determination. She's not giving up on them, and she's not giving up on their baby. But she needs his support to see this through.

"Go to sleep," he says finally, nodding to the bed she prepared earlier on the other side of the bedroom, "I'll think about what you said," his voice shakes and he looks away, hiding his face before asking, "But if I agree, this won't be the end, will it? You won't disappear on me again, right?"

"I don't plan on it, darling," Soo squeezes his hand one last time, "The opposite of love is leaving, and my heart won't leave yours. Your heart is still mine, isn't it?"

"You know it is."

"Then everything will be fine," she kisses So's forehead softly, wishing that his mind would calm down and he would understand what she was doing, "Let's have some faith in each other."

.

.

.

.

Soo wakes up in an empty bed and an empty room.

Even though she dreaded the conversation they would probably have in the morning, she dreaded him leaving the most. So she feels her tears coming back, and her fears starting to take hold of her heart.

The doors open, and it gives her a brief second of hope before she notices it is only Baek Ah coming in with a tray of food.

"Well, you're still here, so can we consider the plan a success?" he muses out loud when he sees her sitting on the bed, "Good morning."

Soo only nods in acknowledgement, looking silently at the empty space he was when she fell asleep last night and wondering out loud.

"Did he leave as soon as he woke up?"

"He didn't sleep at all," Baek Ah tells hers, placing her breakfast carefully at the small table next to her, "He just sat outside and then, when the sun came out, he jumped on his horse and left."

The window is closed, but she still looks at it, as if she's watching the faint path they came through the night before, and thinks about his expression during their last conversation. And then his posture when she followed his request and her tired mind surrendered to a restless sleep.

"Is he too mad?"

"I never know with him."

"You think he'll forgive me?"

"He just needs to calm down a bit," Soo feels him putting a comforting hand on her shoulder as he speaks gently, "You know that."

She knows that, but after living in Goryeo for so long, after almost falling apart in the past, she can't erase the anxious feelings that creep into her mind.

However, the 13th Prince looks better than he did yesterday, so she changes the topic back to him, "You look relieved."

"He spared me," Baek Ah says dramatically, "Of course I am."

A small cracks in her lips, but soon it fades away.

"What if he doesn't want to see me again?"

Her teary eyes seem to scare him somewhat, "Are you having another of those mood swings?"

Had it been any other moment, she would have laughed. But now she really is having a mood swing, and she feels that, despite trying her best to not give in to the melancholy, she's about to burst out in tears.

"I don't want to lose him, Wangjanim," Soo whispers, probably panicking Baek Ah.

But his hand caresses her hair, and he tries his best to lift her spirits up.

"He doesn't want to lose you either. That's why he's so upset." Part of her still has a lingering doubt, but she nods and he takes a deep breath, "Now eat, the trip was hard on you."

She cannot eat. Actually, she can, she has to. She manages to chew on the food and swallow it, but it makes her sick and nauseous, like she's eating cardboard, so she gives up.

After the 13th Prince leaves the room, Soo moves away from the tray of food, walking to the small window, and sits on the old chair, looking outside and waiting for his return. But she cannot wait either, so when Soo gives up and stands up, she wonders if this is the best time to start crying.

And then, to distract her mind from such things as crying and giving up to despair, she starts writing.

She's not used to this brush - too big and too long for her - but she manages to write down some characters, as she searches her mind for baby names.

The rest of the day is blur for her. She doesn't know how much time passes until the 13th Prince returns with her lunch, then with her tea, then with supper. Soo thinks he talks with her, but then he's gone and she's not sure of anything anymore.

She manages to find a small portion of comfort in doing that, listening to the faint sound of Baek Ah playing his gayageum on the outside, and when she notices, the sun has started to set and her room is going dark.

Her feet lead her back to the window, her eyes looking for him in the distance, and then back to the table, candles illuminating the disarranged sheets of paper, the ink starting to dry on the brush, and she resumes her writing activities.

Soo knows she should be organizing her small chest of belongings she manages to bring along, as she would be living there for the next months, but she can't move away from her new letters - her carefully chosen words, her pretty and elegant envelopes.

And then she collapses.

Her chest was aching for a while, but the pain intensifies suddenly, making her gasp and clench at whatever is closest at hand. It hits her like a hammer and knocks her down, helpless.

She can't scream. She can't move. She can only endure until it is over.

That's when he appears, out of nowhere, as if he's been there that whole time. He emerges right at her side, and his touch seems to ease her already trembling body. Taking her close to his chest, trying to make her pain disappear.

"Soo-yah!" The King's voice sounds desperate and urgent, but it resonates like a melody in her ears, and she sighs.

"Pyeha…"

Despite her pain, she feels a wave of relief invade her as she sees his anguished face, even though he looks torn and about to cry for seeing her in such a state.

"Where is Baek Ah?" he asks frenetic, fussing over her failing body, "We need to call help."

She tries to smile, to calm him down. He knew about the pain, but this is the first time he witnesses one of her crisis first hand, and Soo doesn't wonder why he's acting like she's dying right now.

"Pyeha…"

"Soo-yah… What do I do? What do I do?" There are tears in his eyes as he holds her tightly from her shoulders, panic taking over his face and entire body, as he shakes slightly.

Soo just moves closer to him, burying her face in his chest, "Just hold me."

So wraps his arms around her tightly, and she just waits for the pain to be gone.

.

.

.

.

"That was scary."

"Don't even try to joke about it," he chastises her weak attempt to lighten the mood, his body still shaking and his arms still refusing to let her go, "Don't you dare."

She doesn't have the strength nor the heart to tease him about his state, so she just snuggles up closer to him.

"Sorry for scaring you."

"Just take care of yourself," So manages to say in a muffled voice, "That way I won't have to worry."

That was the only request he ever made to her whenever she asked him to give her something to do, and she felt sad that she was so bad at doing that.

"You came back," Soo whispers and she's able to smile, "I thought my conduct last night pushed you way too far and you hated me."

Her dramatic speech finally makes him move, as he holds her shoulders to pull her away and look directly into her eyes.

"There is nothing that you may do, in this entire world, that would make me hate you," he says slowly, as if explaining to a child, "How many times do I have to tell you?"

"Then why did you leave?"

"To make sure no one noticed we disappeared last night."

She smiles and pats his face softly.

"You're so smart."

The King continues serious as he takes her in his arms and carries her back to bed. He gently pulls the blankets over her, and after she's settled, he sits down next to her, staring down into her expectant eyes.

It seems like a thousand years have passed when he finally starts to speak, "So, you'll stay here?"

"Yes."

"To keep the baby a secret."

"Yes."

"You'll give birth to our child in a shabby place like this?"

"It's not shabby," she shrieks in protest, "The 13th Prince has been preparing this house for months now. It is well located and not visited, so it's the perfect..."

"Yeah, yeah, I know that already," he cuts her, shrugging off, "Baek Ah gave me a detailed explanation."

So looks away, and she braces herself for a sequel to the argument they started last night, taking a deep breath before speaking.

"I wouldn't take the chance if I wasn't sure all the possibilities were taken into account."

"Then why did you sneak out like that and almost killed me of fright?" His accusation hits her hard, but she doesn't back down.

"Because if I tried to convince you there, you wouldn't let me leave."

So doesn't say anything, because both of them know what she said it's true. He only sighs, closing his eyes for a moment, before looking back to her, "And are you sure you'll be alright here? Without me?"

"Just for a few moments," her answer sounds like she's begging, "I promise."

Another moment of silence comes over them again. Soo just looks back at him, waiting for him to say something, anything, so they can either compromise or resume arguing.

He moves, fumbling with his robe and taking out her hairpin - the one she gave to Baek Ah the night before -, holding out for her to see.

"I know I gave this to you, but can you lend me for a while? Until you return to my side."

Soo can only stare to the hairpin and to him, back and forth, until she comprehends what he's trying to say, and is frozen out of surprise, "So you'll agree."

"I don't like this," he says quickly, before she's able to burst out happily and jump at his neck and start crying out of relief, "And we'll have a serious conversation about it when I manage to come back here again. But, since you have a baseless theory that it's dangerous to have the baby in the palace, I see how it is best for you to stay out here, so you won't have any pent-up frustration. If it's best for you, then is also best for the baby," So takes one of her hands and says firmly, "We'll talk over things calmly, and you'll talk to me before any drastic decision."

Her eager and enthusiastic nod is all he needs to know they're on the same page again, and he leans down to kiss her forehead, a hand caressing her belly.

Soo should try to sleep and get some proper rest, but she prefers to sit and watch him moving around the small room, dressed like a commoner and doing ordinary activities. She could almost pretend they were newlyweds moving to a new house, her body swollen and tired from the travel and the pregnancy and him indulging to every request of hers, and even doing things he didn't have to, like organizing her belongings.

The little light in the room is not an inconvenience for the moment at all, so she smiles without noticing.

"Thank you," she says wistfully+, and he turns around to look at her, "I'm glad you're in this with me."

"For you," he adds, smirking, before a sudden thought darkens his face, "And I'm still mad about what you did, so don't consider yourself fully forgiven. Yet."

Soo chuckles, and he tries to hide his smile. Of course she knew he had completely forgiven her already.

So goes to the entrance of the room, taking something out of the floor and walks to her side, sitting in front of her, before giving it to her.

"Here. I bought this for you." The small wooden box doesn't look as expensive or luxurious as the ones she left behind in her small room in the palace. But it is beautiful and well-crafted, the carvings in the dark surface painted with white. Soo marvels at the design, tracing it with her fingers, then she opens it to investigate its contents and looks at him with a puzzled face, "That chest was already full, so I thought you needed a new one to better organize the letters."

True to what he said, the box, not bigger than the envelopes' width, just the necessary to easily put them in, not leaving any space for them to get messy and disarranged. And it has enough room for her to add plenty more.

She smiles at him, and he seems happy that she liked his gift, after complaining so much about having to choose something for her by himself.

"Thank you." She holds her new box to her chest and his smile grows bigger, "So you brought all my letters?"

"Actually, only the white envelopes, for the little one," he explains, helping her to lay down once again, "What? Is there another secret letter I'm not allowed to see?"

And just because she can, Soo decides to tease a little more.

"If I told you it wouldn't be secret anymore, would it?"

He rolls his eyes, but she knows he's bothered. She watches him struggle and resist the urge to press on the topic as he lays down by her side, and then smiles when he sighs, giving up.

"Is it for Wook?" The King asks and Soo grunts in frustration.

"Do you have feelings for the 8th Prince, or something?"

"What?"

"It's just that you keep bringing him up in our conversations."

She shrugs and his eyebrow twitches in annoyance.

"Fine," he grunts, looking to the ceiling dramatically, "I won't ask you anything about him anymore."

"Thank you."

Despite his tantrum, he doesn't brush her away when she snuggles closer, but wraps an arm around her, bringing her closer.

She closes her eyes, her body completely relaxed and ready to fall asleep, when he moves and pulls her away to ask one more thing.

"Was he a good kisser?"

Soo wants to scream.

"You literally said that you wouldn't ask anything less than ten seconds ago."

"It just crossed my mind," he explains with a goofy smile, and she rolls her eyes, "So, was he?"

"I wouldn't know that." She shrugs, rolling her eyes in annoyance, just wanting to end the conversation so she can sleep.

He blinks, and then smiles even more when the meaning of her words hit him.

"I'll take comfort in that, then."

She laughs as she hugs him, his arms soon wrapping around her, and she feels freedom and peace at last.

* * *

 **A\N: I guess it's safe to say I just threw common sense out of the window and I am just doing whatever I want to. Couldn't make Soo leave, but I can't deal with the palace drama. Also, making Soo queen would involve a mental battle that I'm not ready for, so I'll leave that to another AU fanfiction that I may or may not post in the future.**


	14. time is old and young now

**A\N: The beginning of the chapter might be a little mess, sorry. Just keep in mind that the following is a collection of moments that happened during a long period of time. Then, by the ending, it all comes down to a single moment. Hopefully, there will no problem to understand.**

 **Enjoy your reading!**

* * *

Freedom is refreshing. And so is a nice and warm bath to relax the sore muscles. The refreshing feeling that comes with it, after thoroughly washing the hair and cleaning her skin with the proper oils almost, makes her feel like a noble woman once again.

Soo has just stepped out of the hot tub, and now is dressed in her under robes. The vapor remaining in the room a welcome source of heat in the chilly spring morning, as she starts to run the comb through her hair, when the doors open.

Her smile grows as big as her face when she sees the King, closing the door behind him and walking to her, a grin plastered on his lips.

"I was told you were taking a bath," he says with a hint of defeat, as he watches her completely covered figure turn around to better see him.

Soo laughs heartily, and he is by her side before she has to stand to greet him, "Why do you look disappointed?"

"I'm never disappointed to see you."

Her heart melts when he kisses her forehead, then her belly, and finally her lips. His eyes gaze upon her adoringly, and Soo feels like her soul is out of her body, and she has been dissolved into the wind.

He moves around and sits behind her, taking the comb from her hands and a towel to dry her hair.

"Be gentle," she warns him as he gets ready to untangle her knots, wincing in anticipation, and he chuckles.

"I'm not you," So says casually, earning a smack at his knee for his teasing. Both of them smiling as she leans her head back, closing her eyes, and lets him work in silence. Back at the palace, in the Damiwon, she would never allow So to do that. But since they're far from prying eyes, she does not find the need to be cautious.

"Have you come up with more names?" His voice takes out of her reverie, and she looks back to see his eyes set on her disheveled hair.

Soo sighs and shrugs, her eyes getting drowsy at his hands touch on her scalp.

"I already told you we should decide on something, instead of thinking about more," she chastises him a little, "At this point we will have hundreds of options and the child will be nameless for life."

"I could only stay for the evening last time I came," he excuses himself, pouting a little after her scolding, "We need to sit down and decide this with calm."

"How long will you stay this time then?"

"Not much either," he takes a deep breath, his eyes glinting with frustration, as it seems that they can never spend too much time together, "There are only so many times I can skip meetings and send word that I'm sick."

"You wouldn't want the ministers to think you're in bad health," Soo agrees, "How is the palace, by the way?"

"The usual nest of snakes. People trying to manipulate me, people trying to flatter me. There are some who still try to take me out, but most still value their lives."

So practically tosses the comb on the small table next to the wall, and it makes all of the other utensils over it shake. And although Soo understands his exasperation, she has decided that she wouldn't let any negativity hover over them, and uses the moment to tease him.

"Look!" She gasps, in a fake horror, "The scary Gwangjong!"

Soo can only laugh when he stares pointedly at her, his brow furrowed in annoyance.

"Weren't you the one who said it was better to not refer to me as a king?"

"Weren't you the one who said it didn't matter?"

"But now I'm used to it," he complains, pouting and nudging her shoulder, "It's your fault."

"Well, then please forgive me, So-nim."

Soo has no idea what she makes him feel whenever she calls him by his given name. But he always blushes just as much as he did when she first tried it, and her grin always takes over half of her face, and Soo doesn't think she'll ever have enough of the sight.

"Did anything happen while I was away?" He clears his throat, trying to dodge the topic to something else.

Soo shrugs, "Nothing out of extraordinary."

"Feeling pain?"

"Not right now."

"Have you been eating well?"

"Your child won't let me forget to eat, don't worry," Soo clarifies, placing a hand over her now way too big belly, wondering how much longer she can fit in those clothes, "I had to ask Baek Ah-nim to buy a few clothes yesterday. I always heard stories of people getting really fat, but this is ridiculous."

"I don't know, I think your belly is not that big."

"You don't have to reassure me."

"And you don't have to blame our baby."

"Just finish with my hair already."

At her snap he puts the towel down, his hands raised in a sign of surrender.

"How do you want it?" So asks as he starts to fumble with ribbons on the table, trying to pick a color, and catching her by surprise.

"Eh? You just have to comb and dry it. No need to make any complex hairdo."

"I'll just make a simple one, then," he shrugs and takes out two yellow ribbons, walking to his former position behind her, "Why would you let your hair down if you're going to feel hot and bothered later?"

So is not very knowledgeable in such things, but his hands move with ease as he parts her hair in two parts, tying the upper part as a ponytail, and then pulling all of her hair together at her nape in a simple and only knot.

The hairdo is indeed simple, but he also takes her flower hairpins, and decorates it carefully, as if he's painting a piece of art.

"Don't you feel like a queen?" He says softly and she smiles.

"Still trying to marry me?"

"You know me too well."

"I think I'm better than a queen," Soo says wistfully, looking back to him, and taking one his hands to bring it closer to her face, "I feel like the owner of the world."

"Shall I give it to you then?"

"Maybe later," she smiles and uses his arm as a support to stand up, her stomach roaring in protest, "Your child demands to be fed."

"I told you to stop blaming the baby."

.

.

.

.

Her sleep is disrupted by the faint movement of someone sittings next to her. But before Soo can complain, his voice hushes her and his arms pull her back to her pillow.

"Sorry," he apologizes softly, but she doesn't mind the disturbance, "I didn't mean to wake you up."

"So-nim?" her groggy mind tries to catch up with what's happening, but she remains confused, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm with a small party, heading to Silla," So explains, laying down beside her, caressing her hair softly, "We're camping nearby so I slipped out to see you."

Soo smiles, but grumbles in a low voice through the mist of sleep.

"You just can't stay away, can you?"

"Of course I can't," he smiles as well, wrapping his arms around her, while she does the same, "Now say, are you happy to see me?"

"Of course I am," she really is, even though her exhausted body seems to tell the entire opposite, "But I really can't stay up to entertain you, I'm way too tired."

"That's okay. You need to rest," his lips grasp at her hair as he speaks, "I'll just stay here for a while and I'll be gone when you wake up."

Soo sighs, pulling him closer, grunting in comprehension. It's not like she wanted him to be gone, but she knows better than to complain and argue.

Before sleep takes over her, however, a sudden memory takes over and she starts to speak, despite the weariness.

"I was having a dream," she says in a low voice, her fingers drawing shapes on his chest, "A really nice one."

"Really?" He asks and she smiles, nodding with her head.

"You were there. The little one too, I think," she frowns, fighting to grasp the details of her already fading dream, "But I remember that I was under a tree, and you were trying to sleep in the shadow. The weather was really nice. So I just watched you in silence. We were married and had our own house. It wasn't as big as the palace, but it was nice and comfortable." The truth was that they were back to her time, in a modern house, wearing modern clothes, but she can't possibly tell him that, so she focuses on the other aspects of the dream, "It had a lovely backyard, full of trees you planted, and a few herbs for myself. The walls were high and made of stone, and there were plants climbing it," she sighs, as she remembers the sweet illusion it was, "I don't remember much, but I do recall wishing over and over that it wasn't just a dream."

The King doesn't say or do anything for a while, but then he kisses her forehead softly, wistfully.

"It sounds wonderful," he whispers and she can sense the sad smile on his face, "Sorry for waking you up."

"Don't be," she kisses his chest tenderly, "The real you is better than any dream."

.

.

.

.

"Was I dreaming, or did you really pass by last week?"

"Spent the night. You told me about your dream."

"Right, the dream."

"We should build a house like that one, run away and hide in it for the rest of our lives."

"It would be hard to do so. The house wasn't exactly conventional, you know?"

"Why? Was it too extravagant to be built?"

"It just was too peculiar. Like it was from a whole different world."

"An underwater world, perhaps?"

"An overwater world, actually."

"You know, I always wondered something about that story you told me."

"What is it?"

"Why did the woman fall in the lake?"

"Didn't I tell you to decide that on your own?"

"I'd say she tried to save someone from drowning. I have the impression she would do something reckless and selfless like that."

"Too bad we can never know for sure."

"If one day I meet that woman, I'll be sure to ask her."

"She's a character of a story, where could you possibly find her?"

.

.

.

.

"What did the 14th Prince have?" Soo asks Baek Ah during a meal, and he winces.

"Why are you asking this now?" The 13th Prince's voice is exasperated, as if he's not used to this kind of behavior coming from her, "I thought we had decided we wouldn't call him."

They had indeed. But even though Soo is now free to have her baby out of the palace, there are other worries plaguing her mind. She wanted to make sure everything was set and ready, should the worst happen during childbirth.

"We might need his help," It's all she says. He knows what she means, and that's enough, "We have to think about every option."

"I told you already. Jung's way out cannot help you now. We have to think about something else."

"We still need him. If not him, then who?"

That makes Baek Ah pause. It's at moments like this that they realize how utterly alone they are. How so few of them have survived, and how so many changed so much. He pauses, trying to come up with someone, just one single person who can help them to get out from Soo's insane plan, but he ends up giving up and sighing long and deeply.

"We might have to redesign part of Jung's plan," he gives in and starts to brainstorm with her as well, "You know, like, most of it. And hyungnim might not like it."

"We'll talk to him. He'll see the reasoning behind it."

Soo smiles, finishing the rest of the meal with a clear mind and a confident posture. They would have to wait for So to arrive until everything is decided, but she is sure he will agree.

.

.

.

.

"Why would I agree with such a stupid idea?"

The King's undignified scream makes Baek Ah wince and look at her as if to say _I told you so_ , but Soo doesn't back down.

"Because you love this baby," she retorts, livid as well, "Because you want our child to live."

"There are better options…"

"Then tell me one." His mouth hangs open, as he tries to come up with something, anything, that might change her mind, but in the end he can't, so he grunts in frustration, "So-nim, we've been talking about it for so long now, if there was another way, we would have found it already."

"I don't like it."

"Neither do I. But it's necessary."

So looks at her desperate, as if she's asking him to stop breathing for the rest of his life, and try to keep living so.

Maybe she is.

"We still have time," he says weakly, and Soo decided to not push him further than his breaking point.

"Alright," she concedes, placing her hands on both sides of his face and making him face her directly, "But we should at least be prepared for it."

"Yes, we should."

.

.

.

.

"I really shouldn't be here," Jung argues for the nth time, finding it hard to break the habit he formed when they left his residence in Chungju.

Riding by his side, Baek Ah chuckles sardonically before retorting.

"When did that stop you?" He says without looking at him, "We're almost there, so hang on a little more."

True to his words, a little while afterwards, his 13th brother slows his pace down, taking a side path hidden by bushes and tree branches.

"Where are we going?" Jung calls out to his brother, but doesn't get any answer, "Yah, hyungnim!"

The silence is all there is, so he decides to just keep on until they arrive wherever they are going, never mind that they are way too close to Songak and the palace.

Their destiny, Jung soon finds out, is a house. Big enough to not be labeled as a deposit, but small enough to not draw too much attention. Even though it is the only residence in the clear that opens on the side of the mountain.

"Why are we here?" he asks as he climbs down from his horse, eager to understand his brother's behavior, but failing before he even tries.

"Go in," it's all that Baek Ah says, and Jung is way too curious to not follow his command.

He walks up the short stair that raises the house just above the ground, carefully touching the handle of the door his brother indicated. He draws it open and enters the building before the wind blows out the candles spread around the room. And then dread fills his entire being when he sees the King sitting down on the other side, wearing commoner clothes, but still acting like the ruler of the nation.

"What is this?" he hisses, unable to control his anger towards his brother, "You haven't done enough? What could you possibly want with me?"

So's face is unbothered, as if he's indifferent to anything Jung says. He closes his eyes, and then opens them, completely at ease and free of worries.

"I'll ask you to forget any grudges you hold against me," he speaks in that cold, formal and distant tone that always sets Jung off, "Hae Soo needs you."

At the mention of Soo, Jung's cold anger turns into a hot wrath. His mind is filled with different possibilities of why would she need him, even though her lover was the King, and all of them have the same source, "What? You have caused misfortune to her again?"

"Sit down," the King's command resonates firmly, as he evades his question, "And listen."

"I don't want to listen to you," Jung remains standing up, stubbornly, "If you're really thinking about Soo, you should just let her go freely, and not resort to smuggling me here to ask a favor. I'm leaving."

He turns around, walking away from his brother and towards the door, marching as he muses if he should yell at Beak Ah or just jump onto his horse and go back to his house. However, before he can reach the handle, So calls him out behind.

"I'm afraid that's not an option."

Jung still doesn't return, nor does he look at him when he speaks, impertinent, "So you'll kill me too?"

"If that's what it takes to stop you from leaving," So's retort shows how easy killing someone is for him, "I'd be willing to try that."

He doesn't have his sword with him, so he decides he's going to face the King with his fists alone. Whatever punishment comes over him later will be worth it.

"Are you that confident in…" Jung walks back to the man sitting calmly at the center of the room, but before he's halfway to reach him, the side door opens, and he freezes.

"Hello, Wangjanim," Hae Soo speaks softly, smiling as she bows to greet him, "It's been a while."

Any other day, Jung would have smiled and greeted her back, or at least answered her properly. He would have given any sign that his mind is present and that his head is not about to erupt from the shock and surprise, so they could engage in some kind of conversation.

But unlike any other day, there's something different with Hae Soo this time. She looks a little tired, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Her complexion is somewhat pale, but he's sure that wasn't exactly new for her, who was always in the insides. Her clothes are not as rich and elegant as the ones she wore back in the palace when he last saw her, but that wasn't concerning.

What made Jung shock, was the clear and prominent belly she carried. An obvious sign of her condition.

"Soo-yah… You…" He tries to find his words as she walks closer, fumbling to balance the weight of the advanced stages of her pregnancy, but none come to him.

"I'm sorry for calling you here like this," Soo speaks, and he knows she's trying hard not to laugh about his reaction, "But can we talk?"

"You…" Jung's eyes are still set on her stomach.

"Yes, you're going to be an uncle soon," She chuckles, but when Jung's eyes dart to hers, dumbfounded, it turns into an apologetic smile, "Sorry for letting you know this way."

 _An uncle._

The words seem to lose meaning to him. He can only notice the movements around him, but can't make sense of anything.

Jung sees So helping Soo to sit down, and when he notices it, he's sitting as well, keeling down right in front of her, watching her try to accommodate her body on the small pillow on the floor.

"So-nim, please," Soo speaks looking up and his brother nods in agreement.

"I'll be waiting outside."

Jung doesn't see him leaving. He continues to watch the woman before him, and the only sign that they're alone is the sound of the door closing.

There's a moment of silence, as he tries to assimilate the sudden revelation. But she interrupts his reverie and tries to bring him back to the conversation he was having with So before she jumped in.

"You're the only one we can trust," she says, no longer smiling, but he's still trying to grasp reality.

"Where is Baek Ah-hyungnim?"

"Probably making tea? He hides in the kitchen whenever there is too much tension here."

Jung takes a deep breath, certain that leaving to the kitchen sounds like a much better option right now. But he doesn't move from his place.

"How long have you been here?"

"Two months? Maybe? I keep losing track of time." Soo's gaze is wistful and her small caress at her belly doesn't go unnoticed by him, "Things are peaceful here, unlike the palace."

For the first time in years, Hae Soo looks free. Just like he always thought she would be the second she stepped out of those cage walls. She looks more like the girl he first met at his 8th brother's residence, and he's happy.

But an irrational part of him also feels jealous, because she's been here for two months, and never even tried to contact him.

"If you wanted to leave, you could have just asked my help." He's still not telling her what his way out was. He didn't want her to feel pressured by the idea of marrying him and ended up in the palace out of sympathy for him or fear.

"I'm not leaving," she shakes her head and speaks as if she's talking about the weather, "I'll return to the palace after the baby is born."

Jung blinks at the absurdity of what she says, his voice going up again, before he can control it, "Why? Soo-yah, you hate that place, why would you go back?"

"Because I love him," Soo says simply, and it shouldn't shock him, nor surprise him, but he still winces. Even now, years later, it still hurts him to see her talking like that about his brother, and she knows it, "Sorry."

"It's alright." And it is. It hurts, but it's alright for him, "I'm just worried about you."

"As long as the baby's fine, I can't ask for anything else. That's why I asked Baek Ah-nim to bring you here," she says it all in a single breath, and it shows how desperate she is. But then Soo hesitates, and her voice falters, "I'm sorry. I keep hurting you, and yet I shamelessly keep asking favors."

Her face shows just how much Soo needs him, so Jung puts all of his sorrow aside. He ignores his antipathy towards his fourth brother, and his disapproval of her choice to return to the palace. He forgets all about the world and focuses only on her, not because of his romantic feelings, but because of who Hae Soo is.

"You're my friend, Soo-yah," he says softly, but reassuringly, "You can tell me or ask me anything."

"Very well, then," Soo takes a deep breath, her hands clenching and her fingers fidgeting, and suddenly he feels that his guard is up again, "But first, I have to tell you something else."

.

.

.

.

Time seems to drag for Wang So, as he waits for his brother finish his conversation with Hae Soo.

He stands far enough from the room they are in so he won't eavesdrop on what they're saying, but still close enough to barge in if Hae Soo has another crisis. At least, that's what he tells himself, but the truth is that he's still jealous of Soo with his 14th brother.

He still remembers the night he spent just outside of her room, eager to kick down the door and barge in. But just like that day, he doesn't do anything. So just waits.

After what it seems like an eternity, Jung finally walks out. He pauses next to the door when he sees So standing there, and then marches up closer to him. His eyes are red and still teary, and So doesn't need to be told what he just heard, and what he has decided.

"I'm only helping because of Hae Soo," Jung's voice is shaky, but it still shows confidence, "You don't need to thank me."

"I'm still thankful," So says truthfully, "When I return we'll decide what to do."

There are pressing matters waiting for him back at the palace, so he can't stay the rest of the night and have a nice family dinner with his estranged brother. But before he can leave to his horse, Jung speaks out, making him halt in his tracks.

"I still don't support your rising to the throne."

"But that doesn't matter, does it?" So retorts, turning around slowly to face him, "If I am not king, then who will be? You? Wook? Maybe Won or Baek Ah?"

Most people would just abandon the conversation at his intimidating glare and pointedly question. But Jung was a general of 300.000 men, and he doesn't back down easily.

"The higher the position, the more you should care about justice, isn't that right?"

So scoffs, remembering when he first those words come from Hae Soo, and then when he repeated them for Jung not too long afterwards. So much has changed for them since those days, and he wonders what Soo would say now about the things that happened in the past.

Maybe if he could find an underwater kingdom, he would finally see the utopia she preached around. But for now, ever since he decided to sit in the throne, he has given up on protecting a corrupted law.

"There is no justice in this world. Only the one we create in order to judge men," he explains, but does not hope his brother understands him, "If people are suffering because of this so-called justice, shouldn't we change it with our own hands?"

His brother looks at him like he has gone mad, and So wonders if he really hasn't. If Soo's vision wasn't just a glimpse out of context, but the prophecy of a harsh, relentless and ruthless tyrant.

Then he holds on to that part of him that wants to make her proud, to make this world a better place for his child, and he's sane again.

"After the baby is born and you return to the palace, I'll go back to Chungju," Jung says pointedly, setting his position down before walking away, "I have no wish to be part of your justice."

.

.

.

.

"I never wanted any of this to happen."

Soo's voice reach him just as he's about to climb on his horse, and he turns around to see her one last time.

"None of us did," he says, trying to reassure her worries, smiling to give her confidence, "We only wanted to sit under trees and watch over our children."

She smiles, but it slowly fades as sadness takes over her.

"I'm sorry," she whispers, reaching out to adjust his robe, using his disarranged clothes as an excuse to touch him.

"So am I," he whispers back, placing a hand over hers, "Jung is partially right, forgive me."

"Jung-nim is completely wrong, ignore him," she retorts and a tiny laugh escapes from his chest, "He's still bitter about what happened in the past. Even before what happened to your mother."

So knows what she means, as the moment his last bond with his 14th brother was severed is still clear and vivid in his mind. He can't blame Jung for that.

"It was my fault."

"I'll hit you if you say that again."

And because a pregnant Hae Soo's hits actually hurt a little, he changes the topic.

"He said he'll return to Chungju after the baby is born."

"He might, we haven't decided it yet."

"But he has to be ready. In case we follow your plan," Her insane plan, but that had a better chance of success, "He might not accept."

"He will. He just needs time."

"We all do."

So is tempted to bring her closer to his chest and ravish her lips, but he feels Jung watching them from a distance, and since he needs his brother on the best mood before Soo drops her next request to him, he settles with a soft kiss on the top of her head, and a light touch to her belly.

"I'll try to convince him not to despise you so much," she tells him after he's on the top of the horse and he scoffs.

"Don't bother."

"I love you."

"I loved you first."

"It's not a competition," she screams undignified and he can't stop teasing her.

"Of course it is."

So laughs and rides away, his heart heavy with worries and troubles.

* * *

 **Rito Dey  
** ** _We're not at the ending yet, so don't worry. I never thought about them having twins, and that's actually really interesting. Also, sorry for taking rather long to write such a short chapter._**

 ** _..._**

 **Clavel  
 _So, you were talking about Jung? Maybe that's why he showed up? How will that be for everyone?  
_ And yeah, SoSoo is a heartbreaker...  
**


	15. once i called you brother

Jung still has a hard time to assimilate things.

It's been a few weeks already since he joined Hae Soo and his 13th brother on their insane strategy to keep a low profile and avoid that the people in the palace found out about her baby. But every time he sees her with her pronounced belly, he feels like he's seeing it for the first time.

They hadn't seen each other for a while. His last memory of her was when he left his mother's chambers and she offered him a few words of comfort. She looked so thin and distressed back then, the contrast with this round and bubbly Soo is unsettling.

Yes, she is round and bubbly, and Jung doesn't want to think about what her pregnancy implies, so he won't.

But he can't seem to be able to look away from her.

Soo is sitting across from him, on the edge of the porch, enjoying the warm sun of the afternoon. Her legs are stretched in front of her, her spread skirts making her belly even more prominent, as she fiddles with her feet - she always complained about her feet -, humming to herself with her eyes closed.

It doesn't help him that she looks eerily gorgeous. And it doesn't help him that she looks so happy as she caresses her belly.

Once she told him to let go of her, that that was the only way he could stop hurting, but he doesn't think he can do that.

Soo seems to feel his intense gaze, as she opens her eyes and immediately meets his, her soft smile growing into a big and bright one.

"Jung-nim," she exclaims as if they're meeting after decades apart, "You were there."

He knows there is no ill meaning behind her words. But Jung feels a little useless for sitting around doing nothing after being called to help around in the small house, so he hurries to justify his presence.

"Hyungnim says I shouldn't be allowed near food," he grumbles, looking away from her blinding smile, "I was expelled from the kitchen."

"I guess they don't teach cooking in the military," she muses teasingly, and he looks up, feeling his face blush.

"I know how to cook. Especially if it is my hunt. He's just being annoying."

At his mention of the word hunt, her face to glow a little less, and he flinches, afraid he said too much.

"Sorry for making you go out," she says and he finally understands she's feeling bad for making him spend the entire morning in the woods, hunting for food, just because she complained about how she craved for something that didn't have roots and leaves.

"Don't be," he says earnest and honest. He has already witnessed what Hae Soo was capable of if she got too worked up, and he does not wish to see it again just because there is no meat in the house, "You're carrying a little one inside you, are you not?"

The truth is that Jung would have gone hunting, even if she wasn't pregnant. And by her soft bow of her head and the soft smile, he knows she knows that as well.

"Thank you. Before we could only eat vegetables and whatever Baek Ah-nim found in the closest village. I've missed fresh meat. Ouch," she jumps startled, her face contorting in pain, but then she chuckles and caresses a hand on a spot of her belly, "And I guess someone else missed it too."

Soo isn't talking to him anymore. She's talking to the baby inside of her, and her expression changes in a heartbeat. Jung feels awkward watching her like this, so he tries to bring Soo's attention to him again.

"Does it hurt a lot when the baby kicks?"

"Not a lot," she shrugs as she looks back at him, her hands still on her belly, "It just bothers me a little. But sometimes it comes out of nowhere and it surprises me." Soo stops her explanation with an expression that, he's learned, means she's about to take him out of his comfort zone, "Here, give me your hand."

Jung is out of her reach, but he still puts his arms behind him, his eyes bulging and his head shaking energetically, "You don't have to, I'm fine."

"It's alright, Jung-nim," she smiles and pouts at the same time, her arm stretched out, waiting for his hand to reach for hers, "It's just your niece or nephew wanting to say hello."

And because he can't ever deny her anything, he moves forward, giving his hand to her, and letting her place it on the same spot she was rubbing just a few seconds before.

At first, nothing happens. He raises an eyebrow and is about to ask what exactly he should be expected to feel, when it hits him and he gasps in surprise.

"Was that him?"

"The little one is asking for food," she says and laughs as she nods cheerfully, talking to both Jung and her child, "And he won't be silenced until he's satisfied."

"He always does this when he's hungry?"

"And also when he hears So-nim's voice."

This new information about the unborn baby awes him so much, that he doesn't even find the time to be bothered by the mention of his 4th brother's name, "He hears?"

"Yes. He's hearing you right now, by the way. Say something."

"Uh," Jung hesitates a little, but then he leans a little closer to the spot his hand touches Soo's belly before speaking, "Hi?"

The same hit he felt before touches his hand, a little firmer than before. As if the child in there is reacting to what he said and is trying to show that, yes, he can hear him perfectly fine.

"Strong, huh?"

"A brave fighter. Just like the mother."

"And the father."

The baby is still kicking around, but this time, Jung's face fall and he feels an awkward silence settling down on him.

He doesn't mean to make Soo uncomfortable for talking about him. But he doesn't know what to say about the King that isn't remotely negative, so he just keeps quiet.

Soo takes a deep breath, and he prepares to be reprimanded and for her to start crying in the middle of her inspiring speech. But then Baek Ah comes outside, screaming as dramatically as he can as he carries a tray with their meal, and Jung quickly takes his hand away.

"Apologies for the little one and the expecting mother! Sorry the food took long."

"It's alright," Soo laughs and makes space for him to put the food and their plates and cutlery, "Sorry for not being much help."

"Don't worry about that and let's eat."

The three of them sit on the outside, as Soo says spending such a beautiful day on the outside is a waste. And when they are already settled around the dishes, their chopsticks and rice bowls in hand, she inhales sharply and makes them stop before they're even started.

"Wait. I just had an idea," Soo starts to stand up as quickly as she can with her heavy belly, "You two are going to say I'm crazy, but I don't care."

.

.

.

.

Apparently, Soo also has a hobby of coming up with crazy ideas.

He and Baek Ah try to convince her, to number all of the possibilities that it could go wrong, but she's relentless. And in the end, Jung ends up carrying a big and heavy basket of food, Baek Ah helps Soo to put on her shoes, and they slowly follow her through the small path climbing the rocks, until they are at a clearing, watching the view of the other mountains around them.

They can also see Songak at a distance, and Jung wonders if she wanted to go there because she missed his 4th brother.

"Soo-yah, we really shouldn't be this far," Baek Ah complains and reprehends her, but Soo only shrugs.

"It's all right. We can see the house from here," she points out as she starts the slow process of sitting down with the extra pounds, "And if we meet someone, we'll just pretend to be a group of siblings."

"Two brothers keeping company to their pregnant sister?"

Baek Ah raises an eyebrow to her, and Soo blinks, noticing the frailty in her plan. But before they can convince her to go back, she shrugs and presents an alternative.

"Fine, one of you can pretend to be my husband."

"You can call me out of that," his brother shrieks in protest almost immediately, but he sits down soundly, "Have Jung as your fake husband and let him receive hyungnim's anger this time."

Jung doesn't say anything as he sits quietly, his back turned to the city at a distance.

"That won't do," Soo sighs in defeat after a second of consideration, "If it's you, at least I know he won't kill you."

Jung is in the middle of taking the dishes from the basket and spreading them across the ground they're sitting on, but his arm freezes midair and his eyes fly to Baek Ah's at Soo's comment.

He waits for his brother to retort teasingly, so he'll know she doesn't actually mean what she said. And when the only thing that follows is silence, his eyes go to Soo's figure, peacefully rubbing her belly. The sight should be enough to reassure him that she was kidding before, but with his fourth brother, he's never sure.

"What kind of joke is that?" Baek Ah finally says, laughing awkwardly, and Jung feels even more unease than before.

"Let's forget about that and eat quickly," Soo evades giving a direct answer, taking her rice bowl and her chopsticks nonchalantly, "That way, the less are the chances of someone seeing us."

Soo devours the food almost immediately. Taking a bite of the meat before anything else, and smiling cheerfully. Jung continues silent as he takes a piece of something he's not very sure what it is, and his brother refuses to move.

"I'm almost sure you only came here to see the capital."

His thirteenth brother's comment means to only tease Hae Soo, and he knows it But knowing that Baek Ah also thinks the same as he only hurts him a little more inside, and he continues to eat in silence.

"So what if I did?" Her sulky confirmation doesn't lift up his mood either, "Forgive me if I'm pregnant and full of selfish wishes."

"There's nothing wrong with wanting to come here, you know?" Jung hears his brother's tone go from teasing to comforting, and then flaring up with indignation, "You're just trying to make me feel bad."

"Of course I do."

"Let's eat."

"Wait. Isn't that hyungnim over there?"

"Where?" Soo drops her food, trying to jump at her feet in a second, all while she looks around the point Baek Ah was looking before. Jung doesn't even bother to move.

"Oh, never mind," his brother can't hide the smile as he speaks, "It's just a tree."

"You're mean."

"Back at you."

"I thought he had a schedule to come here," Jung says calmly, still eating, but already tired of being out of this conversation.

Soo only shrugs as she resumes her meal, Baek Ah doing the same by her side, "So-nim doesn't believe in schedules."

"Yeah," Jung snorts before he can help himself, "He doesn't believe in most things."

That's a hurtful thing for him to say it and he knows it. And if he didn't, Hae Soo's expression would tell him immediately, as her eyes fall and her face loses the glow she had earlier in the house.

But before he can apologize, his older brother chastises him with a hard voice.

"If you're going to make things awkward for everyone, then you can go back to Chungju."

"Sorry for being a bother," he says truthfully, looking at Soo, and yet, still refusing to abandon his beliefs, "But you know what I think."

Soo's smile is sad, and her eyes seem to beg him a thousand things. Her request, however, is quite simple, "Can you believe at least in me?"

He can, and there's no doubt about it. Ever since she jumped to risk her life and saved him from the thugs in the forest, he has vowed to be by her side no matter what. She has his entire and complete trust, and everyone knows that.

"Of course I believe you."

"Then believe me when I say he didn't steal his place from anyone."

That is something completely different, though.

Jung despises the kind of machinations that lurk in the palace. He can't stand people wearing layers of mask and offering fake pleasantries and smiles. And while he believes in Soo, she's the only one in that place he would be willing to blindly follow to the end of the world.

Soo is the only one he would be willing to follow at all.

"Soo-yah, these things are complicated."

"Do you recall I was there when the last two kings died?" She interrupts him, and he looks away, already knowing where she is going, "I know what a thief looks like, Jung-nim. And your fourth brother isn't one."

"So you'll continue to support him?"

"Just like you supported our third brother," Baek Ah joins the conversation, apparently finished with his meal, "Am I wrong?"

Jung doesn't miss the hostility in his brother's voice. And he also feels affronted for being accused for something that was completely out of his control. His eyes sting with anger as he justifies himself to Baek Ah, his conversation with Hae Soo completely forgotten.

"I didn't support Yo-hyungnim."

"You didn't try to stop him, either. So-hyungnim on the other hand…"

"Alright, that's enough, both of you," Jung feels a sharp tug on his ear when Soo shouts angrily, and that's when he realizes he and Baek Ah were standing up to a physical engagement, and she pulled at their ears to pull them apart, dropping after they are back to their places, "That's how wars start in the palace. Useless fights about who's better than who. Baek Ah-nim, don't try to make Jung-nim feel guilty. Jung-nim, don't try to picture So-nim as the villain here. Grow up, both of you."

He's too shocked by Soo's outburst to say anything at all, and feeling too ashamed after her words to be able to come with a retort, so he keeps quiet. Before him, Baek Ah seems to be going through the same process and there is silence between them for a while.

"But he's more at wrong than me," Baek Ah blurts out and Jung sniggers.

"You only say that because our fourth brother favors you."

"He favors me because I don't treat him like a bastard monster."

"Well, that's what he is."

The hand at his chest is expected. But what surprises him is that the one pulling at his hanbok isn't his brother, who actually looks quite shocked as well, but Hae Soo, making him turn around and look at her.

Her eyes are icy cold and they seem to cut through his very soul as she stares down into his, and Jung wonders if she learned to be this intimidating with his brother or if she was always this scary since the beginning.

"I'll tolerate anything you might think of him, even your disapproval of your brother," she says slowly and in a low tone that only scares him even more, "But I will not accept you insulting him like that."

Jung nods heartedly, "Sorry. I'm sorry for that. It was wrong of me."

Soo lets go of him, and she sighs as she leans back, lying on a stone behind her and closing her tired eyes.

"Stop picking fights you two," she says softly, and they all breath, even though she just reprimanded both of them, "It's bad for digestion. And Jung-nim..."

"What?"

"Please try to understand your brother," there is no anger or irritation in her voice, only an honest and truthful request, "I don't ask you to be his friend. Just look at him without all the prejudice your mother and your brother fed you."

Before Jung can say anything, Baek Ah interrupts with a loud voice.

"Wait. Isn't that hyungnim over there?"

"I'm not gonna fall for it twice."

"No, Soo-yah," Jung says, following with his eyes the figure his brother is pointing at, "It's really him this time."

And before he knows it, Hae Soo is back at her feet, all of the exhaustion gone from her body as she waves a hand above her head and shouts in pure glee and delight, "So-nim!"

The King, coming on a horse and just passing near the beaten path they took to climb up the small slop, stops at her call and dismounts as he sees her bubbly form going to his direction. Jung can't see his face, but he wouldn't doubt he was smiling, even though he couldn't properly imagine it.

"Hey, you're gonna fall," Baek Ah shouts behind her, still not moving, and she makes a scene to pretend she's walking slowly, despite still running without a care to the man down there.

Jung watches them. He doesn't mean to, but he can't look away.

He observes from afar when Soo jumps at his brother's neck and he wraps his arms around her waist to stabilize her so she doesn't fall.

They both look happy. When they turn around and head back to the house, walking side by side, So pulling his horse behind him by the reins. Their simple clothes for commoner disguises make them look like a married couple of villagers heading back home.

He keeps watching until it gets excruciating to stand.

"Let's go, hyungnim," he starts to stand up, but Baek Ah doesn't move.

"Give them a moment. They haven't seen each other in a while." His brother leans back, closing his eyes before he continues speaking, "And they have a lot to talk. They do have a child who's about to be born."

Jung follows his brother's example and settles down back to his place. His brow furrowing in distaste.

"Can't we be a part of the conversation?"

"We don't know all there is to know about their story. So how can we know what's best for them?"

That is a surprise for Jung, who would always see the three of them hanging out together ever since Soo lived in his eight brother's house.

"I thought you've been their friend from the beginning."

But Baek Ah only shrugs before clarifying, "When I started to hang out with Soo and hyungnim, they had a past already."

He tries to picture So and Soo becoming acquainted back when Soo was a cheerful and feisty young girl, talking about everything that came into her mind, and his brother was a broody and scary lad, who refused to look at people and stared coldly to the ones who dared to invade his personal space. And when Jung attempts to imagine two people with such contradicting personalities becoming friends, he realizes that when So came to the forest to save him and Soo from the thugs, they had something between them already.

"How did those two even meet? I thought they hated each other."

"That's what everyone thought about her and Eun-hyungnim too," Baek Ah retorts, and Jung has no way to argue with that, "It's what I'm telling you, we don't know everything about their past. We don't even know how they got to meet and fall in love with each other."

Jung looks back to the small house in the distance and muses out loud, "A matter of timing perhaps?"

"I don't think so. She had someone else before they were together."

In that case, she already loved someone when he confessed. She already loved someone when he fell for her. Jung already knows who this someone else is, and it doesn't make things better for him.

"Then I guess there was never hope for me."

The confession comes out easily. He has been holding back all of these negative feelings, not talking anything about his broken heart ever since he came here and found out about Soo's pregnancy. And now, it is easier to open up and vent than to sit down moping and letting his heartbreak make him angry and bitter.

His brother seems to understand that, despite being shocked and mesmerized by the nature of his feelings. Baek Ah sits up slowly, as if Jung might jump away at any moment, and he's afraid to do or say something wrong. But then his gaze softens and he speaks in a confident tone.

"Does she know?"

"I told her," he nods, but his eyes remain lost, "But for her I was always a younger brother, so it doesn't matter."

"Isn't that why you're so averse to our 4th brother?"

"You think I'm that petty?"

"I think you're jealous, and that's expected. I also didn't appreciate my 8th brother when he married Myung Hee-nui."

"I never thought Soo would like me back. At least, not how I like her," Jung still remembers what his late sister-in-law told him to have faith, but his hope of being with his first love died with her, "I just didn't want her to choose him."

"It's the person she loves. And it's your brother," his brother says, and unlike his previous reprimands, there is a soft tone of consolation in his voice, "If you create unnecessary fights, you'll only make her hurt."

.

.

.

.

"We have to talk," Soo says as soon as the door is closed behind them, jumping straight into business the second they have total and complete privacy, but So shakes his head

"Not right now."

"So-nim…"

"In a second, I promise."

His soft tone dissipates her anxiousness, and she doesn't resist when he pulls her to sit on the bed as he kneels before her, leaning his head on her lap so he can kiss her belly and caress it softly.

"Do you think it's a boy or a girl?" He looks up at her with inquisitive eyes, and she shrugs.

"I haven't thought much about that," she answers, smiling, "I was too busy planning stuff behind your back."

"Then what have you thought about all this time you've spent here?"

"Names," she replies brightly to his reprimanding question, "I managed to sew a few clothes too."

"Have you improved in any way at all?"

"You'll be surprised."

He really will and she knows it. Neither Go Hajin nor Hae Soo had experience with sewing before, besides that pillow she didn't think about much nowadays, so her first attempts to make small and tiny hanboks didn't turn as well as she expected. But after a few days of practice, she managed to develop her new skill and improve it until she became an expert.

So smiles at the conviction in her voice, and then looks back to her now quiet belly.

"I guess someone is calmer today."

"I guess someone thinks your voice is soothing," she replies, placing a hand on top of his, "The little one was throwing a tantrum the entire morning, but now he calmed down."

"I missed you too. Both of you."

"How is the palace?"

"You don't want to talk about the palace."

"How are you?"

"I don't want to talk about me."

"What a pity," she pouts humorous, "I love hearing about you."

He chuckles and stands up to properly and deeply kiss her, his hands cupping her face and his fingers grazing her nape. But before they get too lost and go too far, he pulls away, and sits beside her in bed, his back leaning against the wall as he pulls her close to his chest, and takes one of her hands to his, interweaving their fingers together.

"Okay," he says, taking a deep breath, "Now we can talk."

Soo takes a deep breath as well, bracing herself for what's sure to be a hard and painful conversation they've been avoiding for too long now.

"First," she enumerates pointedly, as it's better to decide on one thing and then the other, rather than talking about all of it at the same time, "Do you really think the new treatment will work?"

"I think it's worth a try," he says without certainty, but his voice has the same conviction of when he told her the doctor may have found something in his researches, "What's the worst that could happen?"

"You're not just desperately grasping at things, are you?"

"I am, most definitely, desperately grasping at things," the hopelessness is evident in his voice and on his touch, "It's the only thing I can do."

"But will it change anything?"

"Why are you so stubborn about something that could save you?"

"The doctor never said anything about saving me."

"Having more time is better than dying right after childbirth, isn't it?"

"I don't want false hopes."

She doesn't want him to think everything is fine and they'll be happy forever, just to see him crash down again after it turns out to be just an illusion.

"It won't affect the rest," he says eagerly, apparently knowing what she fears of happening, "I just want to know I did all I could do." He clenches her hand, and she looks into his eyes. He is desperately grasping at things, indeed, but only just so he won't go mad from watching her slowly wane until she's gone.

Soo can't possibly take that away from him, so she nods in agreement, "Alright, then."

"Thank you," he says in a low voice, but his relief is evident in the way he exhales as if he just let go of a heavy burden upon his shoulders. Then he takes another deep breath, and it's his turn to call on their next topic, "Have you told your plan to Jung?"

She winces and he scoffs, already knowing the answer. However, she is quick to justify herself, so she doesn't have to be scolded.

"I'm still trying to make him accept you."

"Then you can forget his help."

"It will be fine," she continues positive despite his attitude, "And besides, you told me not to do anything before talking to you."

"I thought you had made a decision already."

"It's not that I don't want you to be with our baby," Soo cries, and she moves around so she's facing him. Her hands wrapping around his neck and his face, trying to make him turn his eyes from the floor to her, "And it's not that I don't trust you or that I think you'll be a bad father, please…"

"I know," he mutters, but it doesn't ease her.

"So-nim, look at me."

"I'm not mad," he answers softly, taking her hands from him and holding both of them together, but he still doesn't look at her, "Just conflicted."

Soo hesitates at that, trying to understand why he looks so down all of a sudden, when her realization comes, "Then you thought about it."

"Didn't arrive to nice conclusions, though," So says as he nods, and then he raises his eyes to meet hers, "Once you told me you're the one who decides how you'll live, remember?"

She remembers. It was back when she thought she believed she would be fine in the palace and his main goal was to be accepted by his mother, "That was a long time ago."

"But I doubt that when you said it, you ever thought your life would end up like this."

She didn't. But that didn't matter anymore, "No one ever does."

"If you could go back in time... I'm serious, don't laugh," he nudges her rib and pinches her hand when she makes a funny face, "If you could go back in time, what would you change in your life?"

That was, surprisingly, an easy question for her. Not only because she had experience in the whole time traveling thing, but because she had asked that to herself so many times that she already had the answer on the tip of his tongue.

"I'd save lives. I wouldn't repeat my mistakes," Soo doesn't have to elaborate on whose lives would she save and what mistakes she would avoid. He knows all about it already, "What about you?"

"I would kidnap you and run away from Songak."

His simple and direct answer makes her snort.

"What if that made me hate you?"

"You could never hate me," he retorts with a tone that says something obvious, "You'd lecture me about not stealing things just because I wanted them, but you'd eventually fall for me. And that way, we wouldn't repeat the same mistakes, and lives would be saved."

"Where would we live?"

"Right here. In Baek Ah's poor excuse of a house."

"This house is perfectly fine."

"And then your life wouldn't be ruined after meeting me."

"It wasn't your fault."

"It was the palace's. I know that," he explains it himself before she does it, "You hate that place. I hate it too. It took so much from us, and made us what we are today." So then pauses, he raises a hand to brush a strand of hair away from her face, and leaves it resting on his chin. He looks at her with sad eyes and a bitter smile, holding her carefully as if she might break any moment, "If I could go back in time, no matter what, I'd take you out of that place and we would find our happiness somewhere else."

"So-nim…"

"I can't let you go."

She tries to smile, but only grimaces instead.

"And I can't let you go either."

"I don't want to have the same regret with this baby," So says, his hand moving to her belly, "Years in the future, I don't want to keep thinking how I wish I never brought my child to the palace. I don't want to bring someone I love down with me."

He doesn't have to say anything else for her to understand. So she just hugs him, her arms enlacing his neck and bringing him close.

"I'd go to the end of the world with you."

"I know."

"Thank you," she whispers softly, trying to ignore her tears, "I love you."

"I know that too."

.

.

.

.

Jung jumps out of the house before he even finishes eating. He doesn't mind the calls behind him, he doesn't mind anything. He marches to the night winter, with no direction in mind, just as long as it is far away from this madness.

Then he stops, freezes still in the shadow of Baek Ah's place. Because even though it is madness, he can't go back on his word like that.

There's a movement behind him and he turns around to see his fourth brother, somehow looking at ease and regal on his commoner clothes, walking and standing by his side. His face void of expression only irritates Jung even more and he blows up.

"You can't possibly agree with this!"

So doesn't seem bothered as he answers coldly, "I already have."

"So you're insane too!" Jung throws his hand up in the air, filled with exasperation and frustration with the people around him, "Don't tell me Baek Ah-hyungnim also agrees with that."

"Baek Ah knows better than to judge the actions of others."

He's dumbfounded. Completely aghast with the kind of decisions the man before him keeps making, the nonchalant tone he uses to talk about his own family, about his own loved ones. His aloofness that once impressed him as a kid only shows now how deprived of common sense and discernment his fourth brother really is.

"It's your child," Jung argues, trying to stick some sense into his head, "You two are talking about being separated from your child, as if that baby is nothing to you."

"No," So cuts his argument with a sharp voice. "It's because that baby is everything to us."

"Bullshit."

He gives up on making his fourth brother and goes back to his initial plan of sitting outside until he figures out what to do. He turns his back to the King and to the house behind them, trying to forget Hae Soo's new request and ignore the promise he made to be on her side no matter what.

"Do you know why I returned to the palace?" So speaks to him, clearly indifferent to his silent request to be left alone, "Because I wanted a family. Do you know what I got?"

"The throne."

"A slap in the face," he corrects with a snap, his cold tone showing a bit of harshness, "Look at this, we share the same womb and you can't have a conversation with me without shaking with anger."

"That's because of your bad choices."

"No. That's because of that seat," So walks around until Jung has no other choice than look directly at him, "Perhaps, if we had met in another place, under different circumstances, we'd get along. Perhaps I wouldn't be estranged by mother, and I'd grow up with our third brother. Perhaps many of us wouldn't have died if we didn't live in that cursed place."

"Are you saying you fear you be a neglecting father? Like our father was?"

"I'm saying the palace corrupts and taints even the innocent ones," he retorts quickly, and then he pauses, taking a deep and erratic breath, his eyes starting to show a hidden sadness he never saw before, "I don't mind anything that comes to me. But Hae Soo has never done harm to anyone, and now look where she is. Her knees still hurt from being tortured, her heart is about to stop beating. And I can't bear to see it. It kills me inside."

Jung has seen a few of Soo's pain crisis, and it always seems to tear his heart a little bit. He can't possibly understand what it's been like for his brother all these past months, but can understand the origin of her condition and knows what is the solution for that.

"You should just free her."

His suggestion is a broken whisper, but it seems to damage the King even more than any other iron weapon could. His head hangs low and his imposing posture becomes too fragile and delicate to be the body of a warrior. He's a crushed and beaten man, with nowhere to go.

"That was my goal before. But where could a bird with a broken wing fly to? I can only tend to her, until the time comes," So closes his eyes hard, and he shakes his head as if he's trying to erase or eradicate something on his mind, before taking a deep breath and continuing, "That's why I also want to entrust my child to you. To have a free life, free of worries. To have a life I failed to give to her. I'll sacrifice what's left of my heart so our baby doesn't grow to a dreary and scarred victim, or a cunning manipulative snake."

So doesn't have to say names. They both know who he's referring to with his description alone, and Jung can't deny nor retort to any of that.

If Jung had children of his own, there's no way he'd easily raise them in a place like that. He himself only came out alive because of his mother's cocoon around him, protecting him from the rivals of their clan and his brother's marriage work as a shield.

 _I guess the cunning and manipulative snakes were all_ _dreary_ _and_ _scarred_ _victims before._

"Was that how she convinced you?"

"Actually, she only managed to convince me after a long and heated argument. Baek Ah was at risk of living in the kitchen forever," he smirks a little bit, finding his attempt of humor funny, "I thought about that myself. I've been lonely in the palace, so I have a lot of free time to think."

"But why me? Baek Ah-hyungnim could help you with that."

"Baek Ah refuses to settle down. He'll end up as a wandering musician one of these days, I swear."

"So I'm more stable."

"And because Hae Soo trusts you."

Jung blinks dumbly, unaware of how to react to that, "But you don't."

"We never got to know each other properly, did we?" And his answer surprises Jung once more, as he's basically talking about leaving his child to the care of a virtual strange, "I trust her judgement, and if she says you're up for the job, that's enough for me. Despite all that happened between us, you have a good heart, Jung-ah."

"Yeah, you just need to practice on opening it for more people."

So and Jung turn around to see the intruder, and see their 13th brother on the porch, smiling carefully, as if he's afraid of coming down to see what's happening between them.

"Since when are you there?"

"Eh? Just now. I don't like to eavesdrop," Baek Ah shrugs, walking closer to them, "Soo got worried because you two were taking too long. She feared you two were starting a nasty fight, so I told her to calm down and that I would come to check on both of you."

"You're part of this, aren't you? That's why you brought me here," Jung narrows his eyes in suspicion as soon as Baek Ah is close enough to understand his muttering, "All along you two have been plotting this."

"Hyungnim is innocent," his 13th brother's loyalty to the King never wavers, "I'm the only Soo's accomplice." Baek Ah sighs, and Jung already knows enough about his brother to understand his gathering his strength to do something difficult. But there's no way he's ready for the next words that leave his mouth, "Hae Soo won't live long."

"If you would just…"

"We haven't stopped looking," Baek Ah interrupts him once again, "But we have to accept how things are, otherwise we'll really grow mad."

"Still…"

"Even if I find some miraculous cure for her, she won't be living more than a decade," So rejoins the conversation after being silent for a while, "That means that, in the best case scenario, our child will be ten or nine years old when she passes."

"That's ten years he will spend with both of you," Jung sees the necessity of pointing out the obvious, "And then he will have you, won't he?"

"That's not the point."

"You're here, you're seeing her everyday," Baek Ah argues in a loud voice and an exasperated tone, as if Jung was the one being foolish, "Do you really think she'll live ten years?"

"Why are you being so pessimist?"

"Stop whining."

"Stop acting as if she's going to die tomorrow."

"She won't. But still, it won't be long. Can't you see that Soo..."

"Can hear you?"

The three of them freeze, and they turn around so quick it would be comical if it weren't for their current situation. Soo, however, doesn't seem bothered by their heated debate and giggles at their reaction.

She stands where his 13th brother was when he barged in moments earlier. But instead of restarting and dragging their previous argument, Jung looks away.

Baek Ah doesn't bother to continue his sentence either. He looks down and speaks quietly, "Sorry."

"You shouldn't be out here," So complains, walking up to her and placing his hands on her shoulder, trying to maneuver her around and back to the palace.

"It's alright. It's nice and warm outside," she retorts, pulling his hands away, and then looking around to properly observe their faces, "But the food is getting cold, so let's come in." Hae Soo looks around, analysing their faces and their postures, and he feels her scrutinizing gaze inspecting his very soul and very heart to the core, before she speaks in her soft and motherly tone that always seem to sothe and convince him, "Jung-nim, are you joining us?"

 _Are you going to help us?_

 _Are you going to join us in an insane, ridiculous and dangerous plan?_

There was never really a choice for him. Soo's life was already his, and he was too tied to her to simply let go like this. He couldn't just ignore her request and her situation and go back to Chungju like none of that just happened.

Not after she looked so desperately for his help.

"I'll agree to think about it," he reluctantly opens the door of a possibility, but refuses to be a blind follower, just so he doesn't feed his negative feelings and ends up like one of those people his brother didn't want near their child, "But you have to answer my questions. All of them. Truthfully. And vague answers don't count."

The King looks down at him, his aloofness and nonchalance back. But before he can come up with an answer, Soo replies on his place.

"He will," she speaks brightly, and it shocks all the present.

"What?" The three men echo dumbstruck, and Soo's laugh only seem to aggravate their situation.

"Let's go," she grabs So's arm and pulls him behind her and into the house, "I'm starving. It's not good for the baby."

"Soo-yah…" he hears his brother complaining as they walk out of sight, and he feels he gained a small victory.

Jung stares at Baek Ah, apparently too amused by the sudden turn of events and heads back to the inside, even though he has no intention of eating. He's going to clear a few points and come to a definitive conclusion, he would analyse it all with the critical mindset of a general and make his own decisions.

And after that, nothing Soo or Baek Ah said would change his mind.

"You'll see So-hyungnim is a great person, Jung-ah… And I'm not saying this because of Hae Soo or her baby."

"We'll see about that," Jung retorts, without looking back. And without making an attempt to understand why Baek Ah seems to be smiling so much.

* * *

 **A\N: I have no idea of which pronoun to use with unborn babies, so I went for he/him because that's what we use in Portuguese.**

 **Clavel**

 _ **Baek Ah is a peaceful child, he doesn't like conflict. :) Well, the delivery date is approaching, and you'll know the answer very soon.**_

 **...**

 **Vero Diaz**

 _ **For me, raising So and Soo's child was what redeemed Jung in the end. I don't know what Soo would have done if So had read her letter on time, but after suffering so much in such a short time, she was only trying to protect her daughter.**_

 **...**

 **Rito Dey**

 _ **Happy and carefree SoSoo is best SoSoo! :D**_


	16. we are loud like love

**A\N: I know it's kinda late, but I had to make a extensive research for this. And I think I still messed up. Also, there are, once again, a few timeskips during the chapter. Oh boy...**

 **Anyway, have a nice reading. :)**

* * *

Wrapping up the meeting and finally putting an end to it is an immense pleasure to So. When all the topics are closed and none of the ministers or clan representatives can think of something to drag the talks even more, he feels a wave of relief taking over him, and all the duties of the rest of the day seem to become a paradise.

So feels like he's floating when he walks out of the throne room. He's in high spirits and even in the mood of having some tea as he catches up with his reading. To make things even better, he only needed Hae Soo to be here right now.

But as soon as he enters his chambers, the doors open and Baek Ah walks in. And immediately his relaxation turns into apprehension, and he feels like the world is about to end. Because if his brother's here, then something happened to Hae Soo. Something bad and horrendous, by the urgency in his arrival and his erratic breathing.

However, before he can ask or do anything, Baek Ah bows deeply to greet him, and with a soft smile he speaks in a cheery tone, "May I dare, Pyeha, to ask you to join me in a hunt?"

So blinks in confusion until the words sink in. Then his doubts fade away

"A hunt?"

"Yes," Baek Ah replies as if his request is nothing out of the ordinary, "I have been notified that a large boar has been seen in the northern area of the woods surrounding the capital."

"An unusual area for a boar to wander. But a fine prey nonetheless," So shrugs, as if there's nothing extraordinary in his brother's offer, "I'll accompany you."

The eunuch behind him give one step ahead, ready to go outside and summon the palace guards and the servants to join him. But So stops him before without a second thought.

"I'll go alone this time, so there will be no escort," he orders in his scary voice and the man freezes, "I've been missing the challenge of a lone hunt, so it's better the rest of the palace doesn't know what I'm to."

The message is not lost to him, as he bows deeply, his eyes looking down, "As you wish, Pyeha."

So looks back to his brother, who didn't move from his place ever since he arrived, and smiles warmly, "I'll be changing my attire, so wait for me at the stables and we'll go together."

Baek Ah bows and leaves without saying a word, and So dismisses the servants that are following him as well. Then he begins the begins the mission of changing into his hunting clothes in less than two minutes and jump out of his room.

Five minutes later, he's joining Baek Ah, who's looking anxious next to the two saddled horses. He climbs up on one of them and gets ready to leave the second he sees him, So following his lead as they gallop hurriedly to his brother's house.

"For a second I thought you forgot the code and really thought we were going to hunt," Baek Ah shouts above the trotting of the horses as soon as they are far enough to not be heard by anyone.

In front of him, his brother scoffs and shouts back without turning around, "I was the one who came up with the code."

"You also forgot to tie your hair properly."

"Shut up and ride faster."

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.

.

.

The wait was killing him.

As Jung sat down on the floor, his hands shaking and his head banging against the wall as he tried to control his nerves.

He tried not to, but the only thing he could hear was Soo's whimpers back in her room, and the soft murmur of the midwife, though he couldn't distinguish any words. And from time to time she would shriek in pain and Jung would feel as if he had been struck by a lightning.

He has already walked from one side to the other in the kitchen. Then he tried to eat something and distract his mind, but he couldn't even force his mouth to swallow the food. Then he resumed his walking, which eventually tired him, and let himself fall to the ground.

He could only wait, even if the wait is killing him.

But before he can lose all of his sanity, the doors open and his brothers barge inside, panting and huffing.

Jung jumps to his feet, ready to ask what took them so long to arrive, but So marches up to him and asks eagerly before he even has the chance to open his mouth, "How long has it been already?"

"I don't know for sure," he shrugs, trying to remember how much time he has spent in the small room, "A couple of hours?"

"That much? What happened?"

Baek Ah walks to their side, after closing the doors So left wide open, and takes the King's hands away from Jung's shoulders, which neither of them had noticed were there in the first place.

"Women usually take a long time to give birth, hyungnim," his 13th brother explains with a calm voice, but it doesn't seem to calm anyone in there, not even himself, "It takes time for… you know… the child…"

As if on cue, Soo screams in the other room. That soul piercing shriek that sends chills down Jung's back, and the three of them look petrified with horror, anxiousness taking away any sort of calmness and relaxation they might have had from Baek Ah's interference.

"I'm going there," So exclaims sharply and starts to walk outside, but Jung is quick to recover his senses and jump in front of him, blocking his exit.

"You can't."

"Move."

The King's command is deep and threatening, but Jung doesn't bulge. Any other day he wouldn't step in between him and Hae Soo, but if his brother lost his senses, it was Jung's duty to not allow him to do anything reckless.

"It was hard enough to find a midwife without raising suspicion. If you walk in there right now, you put to waste all of your and her sacrifice," he says it slowly, trying to make him calm down and act rationally, "Now sit down, and wait. She'll be fine."

Baek Ah watches their exchange in silence, waiting for them to cool down before he says anything. And after So sighs and lets himself fall back and leans against the same wall Jung was reclining himself on before, he visibly relaxes. His head falls, even though his eyes continue sharp and attentive and his shoulders show he's alert and ready to jump into action, despite his silence.

He doesn't say a thing, and Baek Ah assumes he won't start threatening them to let him see her, so he mentions to step outside.

"I'll wait out there," his 13th brother says in a low voice, and he doesn't wait for their brother's reply before leaving, "When it's safe, I'll come fetch you."

A couple of seconds later, Jung and So are alone. The silence settles down between them, and Jung finally goes back to his initial routine of walking back and forth in the small room, trying to calm down his heart. Then he stops and watches his brother, who hasn't moved ever since he found his support, and he feels like the man's tension is emanating to him.

"Do you want it to be a girl or a boy?" Jung inquires quietly, trying to distract his mind from Soo's cry of pain, but his 4th brother doesn't look amused.

"Is that even a question?" He glares at him, and Jung shrugs, knowing So is the one who has his nerves more shaken up.

 _It's not like I can blame him for that._

"I don't know what else to ask," Jung says miserably, "Or to say."

"Then don't say anything," So retorts, his hands covering his eyes, the inner turmoil evident on the way his hands tremble and his erratic breathing comes out of his mouth, "I'm on the edge of sanity right now."

Jung can understand and respect that. Even though some small talk could distract his mind, he wonders if it would actually increase his brother's anxiousness. It would be much better to wait outside with Baek Ah, but if the midwife came to see him and recognize him as the banished 14th Prince, things could get complicated.

 _For now, that's all I can do_ , he thinks reluctantly, as he resumes his walk around Baek Ah's kitchen.

And the waiting starts to kill him again.

.

.

.

.

The doors open as So allows his lungs to finally breath. And his head seems to grow dizzier as he starts to take in the view before his eyes.

The room is dark, as the Sun has set a few hours ago, and only a few candles were lit after the midwife left. But his eyes are quick to adjust to the lack of light, and he carefully strides inside, holding his breath once again.

Soo lays unmoving on the bed, her white and pale face contrasting with her black hair, spread around the silky blankets. For a while he just watches her, unsure of how to approach, or of what to do. He breathes in and out slowly, trying to gauge his mind around what just happened.

She seems to hear him, even though he was careful to not disturb her. But then he sees her smile, and his hesitation shatters as he smiles back.

Hae Soo sits graciously, as if she didn't just give birth. Her eyes shine with joy even in the penumbra, as if she wasn't grunting in pain just a few moments before. She looks at him as if she knows the biggest secret in the world, and then she raises her hand, beckoning him to sit beside her.

"Come see your daughter, So-nim," she says, and as if caught in a trance, he walks to her.

 _Your daughter._

The world seems to stop, and that word is all that matters.

He is a father now. He has a daughter. A daughter that's Hae Soo's as much as his. He has a daughter and nothing else matters right now.

Wang So is not a king, he is the father of a baby girl.

She's tiny and precious, her clenched fists and her tightly closed eyes make her look adorable. Wrapped around her is So's first gift to the newborn, a soft piece of purple fabric, embroidered with white flowers. Her head has a small and light tuft of black hair, her face is wrinkled and crumpled, and she's perfect.

So realizes he's holding his breath again, out of complete awe from seeing his daughter for the first time.

Then he breathes out, and his daze only seems to grow as he lets the concept that he and Hae Soo are now the parents of such a precious little thing.

"If the world was right," he says wistfully when he manages to speak at last, "Goryeo would have gotten a new princess today."

"If I am your queen, then she is your princess," Soo says quietly to not disturb the infant, leaning against his side, "She's our princess. That's more than enough."

"Gwangjong's first princess." He whispers softly, then turning around to face her, and when their eyes meet he leans his forehead on hers, "Thank you."

Before Soo can say anything though, there is a small squealing sound next to them, and they both instantly turn to the small bundle next to them.

Her eyes are open and there is a frown on her brow. She's only a few hours old, but she makes an expression so similar to Hae Soo's discontent pout, that he feels he knows all there is to know about her.

"Here," Soo says as she takes the baby on her arms and offers her to him, "Take her."

Wang So has never held a baby before. Let alone a newborn. People don't exactly offer their child to a wolf dog.

But Soo helps him, guiding his hands and carefully puts the small weight on his arms. And suddenly, So can't breathe again. He can only watch those dark eyes that stare back at him, and he can't move. He can only feel her weight, and feel her touch, her grasp on his fingers.

"So this is the little one who didn't let you sleep properly at night?" He muses out loud after he manages to speak again.

"Yeah," Soo agrees, giggling as she fumbles with her scarce hair, "This is the guilty one."

"She's so tiny and adorable," he retorts, still gazing down to her soft gaze, "She doesn't look the part."

"She'll most likely still keep me up at night," The complaint comes out affectionately, and So smiles as well, "Did you hear those lungs?"

The memory is still fresh on his mind. He's almost sure it will be even years down in the future. The second he first heard his child's voice, and how it seemed to reverberate through every muscle on his body. It was a magical moment, and it filled him with a joy he never felt before, not even when he found out about Soo's pregnancy.

It also filled him with a bit of dread and horror, as it was incredibly loud and sharp, piercing him like a lightning.

"I never knew newborns possessed such power."

"Just remember her kicks," she pokes his side and he grins, nudging her back slightly with his elbow, "And now she's got this powerful crying that won't stop until she's satisfied."

"She's not crying now."

"Of course not, she's happy now. Aren't you?" The last question is for the blinking baby, shifting her gaze back and forth from them, and Soo giggles when her question - a little louder than her normal voice - makes the tiny little human turn her eyes to her. After a few seconds, however, she continues her instructional speech, "But a few weeks later, she'll be waking up late at night and demanding to be changed and fed. Newborns sleep a lot, so, for now, she'll only stay awake for a little while."

"She'll fall asleep soon, then?"

His question is not exactly a question and they both know it. And they also know that he won't be there through most parts of the crying fits Soo just described.

But that's not the time to talk or think about such things, so they both just keep watching over their daughter while she's still up and curious, getting familiar with the people she could only hear the voices until a few hours before.

.

.

.

.

"Can babies be outside?" Jung asks, worried, unsure of how to behave around the infant sleeping soundly in his brother's arms. Ever since meeting his niece, he has started to find all things dangerous, even the softest whiff of breeze against the group that has been waiting for Soo to finish changing inside her room.

Looking as nervous as him, So brings his daughter closer to his chest, mindful of the wind as well, but he frowns and replies bitterly, "How would I know?"

"Don't babies develop an instinctive nature on parents?" Baek Ah asks dumbfounded, taken aback at their sudden bickering.

"I feel the instinct to refuse you two to hold her," So retorts, holding the little one protectively, as if demonstrating his point, "But that doesn't explain anything about babies."

And, before Baek Ah can intervene and suggest something that could ease both of them, and him as well, as he is also worried about the girl, the baby starts crying and another ruckus starts.

Him and Jung were keeping a respectful distance from the new father and daughter, but as soon as the piercing squeal fills the night, they are all over her, trying to see what's wrong, what's upsetting her, and finally make it stop so she will sleep peacefully again.

The truth is, the three of them are panicking, and the little girl is not feeling very pleased with their feeble attempts to pacify her.

"Give her to me." A sudden voice freezes them all, as they look back to the now opened door to see Hae Soo standing there, her arms outstretched for her daughter. It's too soon for her to be walking around like this, especially with the wind probably not doing any good to her illness - more evident in her body after an exhausting day - and they all start to feel anxious for her.

"You don't have to…"

"You can't…"

"Soo-yah…"

"She's hungry," Soo explains, and Baek Ah wonders why not one of them thought about that possibility, "And unless any of you have developed the ability to produce milk, it's better to give her to me."

With no arguments left, So walks to her, giving her the crying and fussing child, and Jung and Baek Ah remain frozen in place.

"You should eat too," he says sternly before she goes inside, "Baek Ah will prepare you something for you."

And he will, indeed, not only because his brother asked - sort of ordered - but because it's already time for all of them to eat - especially her. Soo hasn't eaten anything since early morning, just before her water broke and they started running around places, and the midwife had told him to be extra careful with her, as the birth had taken a large amount of strength from her.

She also shouldn't be walking around, but resting in her bed. And he should be telling that to his brother, not keeping to himself.

But this is no time for sorrow and needless worries. Hae Soo will be fine, as long as she takes it easy and he manages to correctly prepare the porridge the elder woman taught him before leaving.

 _Things will be alright_. Baek Ah keeps repeating to himself as he goes back to the kitchen, Jung following him. _Things will be alright_.

.

.

.

.

"Why are you all here?"

Soo asked to the sudden entrance of the three men, as soon as she finished changing the clothes of her little girl.

"Making sure you eat," Baek Ah says austere, carrying a tray of smoking food.

He puts it next to her bed, and sits down on the floor. This kind of method is common for him, as he simply refuses to refuse until she finishes eating, but the other two following his example is something new to her.

She turns her eyes to So, who sits at the edge of her bed, looking at her in the stern manner she finds adorable, but doesn't say anything to not hurt his ego.

"What about you?" Soo asks him instead, "Weren't you leaving at dusk?"

"I was. But then I remembered someone has to hold her while you eat."

True to his word he raises his arms, coming a little closer so she can safely pass the baby to him, and she only smiles as she yields, knowing he is actually dying to hold her again, and can't possibly leave until he does so.

"Isn't that why we're here, hyungnim?" Jung complains from his place, next to Baek Ah, who cries out in protest as well.

"Yes, it is. Give her to me, Soo-yah."

"No, I'll take her," Jung stands up before Baek Ah has a chance, "I was the one who was up when Soo began to feel the pain."

"No, I will," Baek Ah pulls down his brother, his height giving him an advantage, "I was the one who called for the midwife."

"Nonsense," So speaks firmly, cutting out their fight, "I'm her father. I'll hold her."

"If you don't come back to the palace now," Baek Ah tries to argue, not even trying to hide his true intentions, "They'll think you're a poor hunter."

"See if I care," he scoffs, then calls her attention to him once again, moving his still empty arms, "Soo-yah."

And, because she loves him more, Soo passes the baby to him. It is also because he'll have to leave sooner or later, and she wants him to have as many memories with their daughter as possible.

His brothers, however, do not seem to see that fact.

"That's not fair, hyungnim," Baek Ah whines and Jung nods beside him.

"We want to hold her too."

So cradles the sleeping girl closer to his chest, sneering to the pouting duo as he mutters in distaste, "As if I'll let anyone hold her."

"Don't worry, Baek Ah-nim, Jung-nim," Soo can't wipe the smile off her face, "You'll get plenty of chances to hold her when So-nim goes back to the palace."

At that she takes her bowl of rice and starts to eat calmly and slowly, watching the transformation on their faces - Baek Ah and Jung smiling elated, and So's eyes bulging in shock as he cries out.

"Soo-yah! You can't!"

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.

.

"First you complain you're hungry, and then you take half an hour to get ready for breakfast?"

Jung is visibly annoyed at her tardiness, as it means he will have to make another fire to reheat her food. But when he comes closer he sees that Hae Soo is with a huge grin on her face, and she jumps up and down in the small room.

"Jung-nim!" She turns around to face him, unaware of his irritation, "She lifted her head!"

And suddenly Jung's discontent fades away.

"What? Really?" He moves in closer to the baby, who stares up at them with inquiring eyes, as if trying to understand what all the commotion is about. A part of him hopes she would do it again, but knows that is to expect too much from such a young child.

"She woke up when I was about to leave the room," Soo explains, trying to calm herself down a little, sitting back in her bed beside the little girl, "So I turned her on her belly, and then I called her and she lifted her head to me."

"No way!"

"Yes, she did!" Her smile grows fonder when she looks back to the baby, and she starts to coo over her, "Didn't you? My precious little girl..."

"I'm gonna tell Baek Ah. He'll never believe it."

.

.

.

.

Soo holds back the giggles, contenting herself with a large smile as she watches them.

She already finished her bath and changing her clothes a while ago, but when she quietly stepped out of the room, afraid to disturb her sleeping daughter, she found out she wasn't asleep at all.

The little one was laying in one of the blankets So bought, her light and colorful clothes moving quickly as she kicked her arms in the air. Next to her, Baek Ah was in charge of watching her, and he entertained her with a silk ball.

At least, he was supposed to entertain her, but ended up starting a fight with a baby.

Soo watched Baek Ah offer the girl the small and colorful ball - her favorite - but he would pull it out of her reach just before she could touch it. Then, in an annoyed fit, she would start to kick and shake her arms, opening her hands as wide as she could, her high pitched voice whimpering in distaste.

Then, when it seemed like she gave up on the toy, Baek Ah would offer it again, and her smile would grow bigger as her voice changed to a more pleased tone.

That is, until he pulled the ball away again.

By the third time he does it, she can't keep her giggles at bay anymore, and bursts out laughing, making both of them to look away to her.

"I want to reprimand you for being a meanie, but that's too cute," Soo gushes, walking closer to them and sitting down beside him, watching her

"I know!" Baek Ah agrees grinning, as he resumes his game of teasing, "I promise I wasn't trying to tease her, but look at her!"

He presses her nose, laughing at how indignant she sounds with the gesture, and demands her toy back.

"If your brother sees you, he'll forbid you from coming closer to her."

Soo's warning comes through smiling lips, but Baek Ah shrugs with a smug smile, "He won't know if you don't tell him."

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.

So has developed a habit. Which means that, by now, he does it subconsciously, without even noticing his surroundings.

He starts to talk to the baby.

Now, there's nothing wrong in talking to a baby to start with, Soo herself does that all the time. But there is a large difference between her soft and squeaky cooing whenever she's playing with their daughter and his serious, in-depth exchanges.

She doesn't know how he manages to keep a straight face when he does it, but every time he holds their daughter while she's awake and babbling a bunch of nonsense, he furrows in brown in a deep concentration, as if she's telling him the biggest secret in the world. And when she pauses, most likely to take a breath and rest her vocal chords, he makes a comment or another question, to which the little girl resumes babbling happily once again.

"Ei, Hyungnim! Stop!" Jung complaint is directed to Baek Ah, but both So and Soo turn around to them. And taking into account what was happening just a few seconds ago, and also how both brothers struggle to not burst out laughing, it's not hard to understand what was happening.

"You two mock me?"

So raises an eyebrow, trying to look as intimidating as possible while holding a smiling baby. It seems to work somehow, and Jung shuffles in his place awkwardly, and Baek Ah is suddenly too focused on his rice bowl.

Soo smiles discreetly and chews on her food slowly.

"Baek Ah-hyungnim is the one making fun," Jung tries to evade by accusing his brother.

At this declaration, Baek Ah shrieks in outrage, pointing an accusatory finger at him, "But you think is weird too."

"But I'm not saying or doing anything."

"Stop, both of you," Soo breaks in before a brotherly bickering escalates into a serious fight, then turns around to face the King once again, "And, So-nim. I think it's great that you are eager to speak with your daughter so early, it helps her development. And it's also really adorable."

Jung and Baek Ah cough to cover up the sudden laughing fit that comes upon them, but Soo manages to keep on her serene and polite smile.

So's eyes narrow at them, clearly displeased at how he seems to be a minority right now, and mutters in distaste.

"None of you have respect for the king," he tsks in disapproval, and goes back to his conversation with the baby, "Except you, right, little one? You don't think I look silly, and you won't ever laugh at my costs."

"Little one," Soo intrudes in their conversation, her smile growing larger, "Why don't you tell your father that he looks really goofy and adorable when he's talking to you?"

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.

"So, when are you two deciding on a name?" Jung asks them after they finished talking about how their daughter is growing up so fast that they can't barely notice, "Or are we to call her 'little one' until she's a grown up?"

Baek Ah, who was starting to drift off at his place, leaning back against a pillar on the porch of the house, perks up, blinking his eyes curiously.

"We've decided already. This morning," Soo answers and then giggles at Jung's and Baek Ah's baffled look, "We're just used to 'little one'."

"You two are weird." It's his verdict, but it's not like So or Soo disagree with him, so they just shrug the comment off.

"Then, how is my niece to be called?" Baek Ah aks enthusiastically and Soo smiles to So before looking back to them and answers.

"Seol."

"Seol?"

"It is written as 'snow'," So clarifies, looking down to the smiling girl on Soo's arms, "The snow of the first day of the year."

"That's a pretty name." Baek Ah has that dreamy expression he always makes when he plays his gayageum or draws, and So and Soo are trapped in that exchange of looks that makes him feel a bit awkward. And they all smile as if they know a secret, and he is the only one out of it.

"But it's summer," Jung finally gives up and voices his confusion, "And it's the middle of the year."

His argument earns him a punch on the head from his 13th brother, and a reprimand from Hae Soo, "Just because you don't get the beauty behind her name, you shouldn't be skeptical about it."

"I think it's perfect," Baek Ah says, earning a grateful nod from her.

"Well, you're not the one who's going to be called like this for the rest of your life," Jung continues to retort, brushing the spot his brother hit him, "Have any of you asked the little one how she feels about it?"

Soo opens her mouth, probably to tell him how ridiculous his idea is. But then she closes it and turns to his 4th brother.

And because So is the one with more experience in the area, he leans a little closer to the baby who watches them with curious eyes, and asks.

"Seol-ah?" The name slips out of his mouth naturally, "What do you think about your new name?"

So's face is looking away from him, so Jung can't see his expression. That means he could argue that his brother was cheating so the little girl would react in a positive way, and demand a proper way to gauge the baby's reaction.

Jung doesn't know what his brother did, but investigating it was the last thing on his mind after what happened next.

The baby laughs. Not a giggle or a smiling babbling sound, like they were used to. A real laugh, full of mirth and joy, coming out of her little lungs, filling up the space around the grown ups as they all stare astonished at her, an unique event happening for all of them.

The moment of amazement seems to only last half a second, as Seol's laugh seems to contagiate all of them. And soon the room is filled with laughter and joy.

And that's when Jung realizes how much he's happy for having a family once again.

* * *

 **A\N:** **Sorry, it's a mess. This was supposed to be two different chapter - one with the birth and one with the happy moments -, but for the sake of not dragging this story too much (and because of something that will happen in the next chapter) I chose to fuse both chapters into this one.**

 **AND YAY! THE BABY GIRL IS FINALLY HERE! I thought about changing this part of the story as well, but I couldn't fit any changes to my outline of the next chapters. BUT LOOK IT'S SEOL!**

 **Now, to clarify things - Seol is like 3 and half months old by the ending - so yall can have an idea of how much time passed.**

 **...**

 **Vero** **Dias:** **_That's okay. We all see things differently._**


	17. river, deliver her there

**A\N: Apologies for the long wait and the short chapter. Yall know how life gets sometimes.**

* * *

It's still dark when the room is filled with the whimpering of a waking child, and then with the hushing coo of her mother. Seol doesn't cry, as she is taken from the bed almost immediately, and buries her face in her shoulder, rubbing her eyes.

"Hello, Seol-ah!" Soo says in a motherly and cheerful tone, "Did you wake up to say good morning to your father?"

"I'm sorry, Seol-ah," her father apologizes quickly, caressing the baby's cheek softly with his hand, his voice in a tender that most people couldn't possibly imagine he was capable of having, "Did I wake you up from a good dream?"

Hae Soo shakes her head and answers in the place of their child.

"Nonsense," she smiles, as if his question is silly and groundless, and then starts to talk with the baby girl once again, "You just love to wake up before the sun, don't you?"

"Does she really?" So is impressed at the girl's habits.

"All the time," Soo replies, but doesn't move her eyes from her daughter, "A morning person, just like her parents."

"She always sleeps late, though…"

"Because she wants to stay with her father as much as she can," she explains as she rubs the girl's back. Then turns around to Jung, as another recommendation for him immediately slips from her lips, "But that will end up becoming a bad habit, so don't let her nap too long during the afternoon, and if she refuses to sleep in your arms, lay her in bed anyway."

"Alright," Jung nods and reassures her, but Hae Soo still has a few more worries and thus needs to make proper reminders for him.

"She's also starting to roll around while she sleeps, so keep an eye on her during the night."

"I will."

"And also…"

Soo's voice breaks and she sobs, fighting down the tears. She takes a deep breath and tries to speak again, but she closes her mouth as soon as she opens it. Then she gives up on saying anything at all, and, not trusting herself to continue strong, she quickly passes Seol to So's arms before hurriedly leaving the room.

Neither Jung nor his brother say anything. The silence weighs upon them while So holds his daughter as tight as possible without upsetting the kid. And then, with a low and controlled voice, he finishes Hae Soo's disrupted speech.

"Make sure she's eating well," he says as he stares piercingly into Jung's eyes, "And don't forget to take her silk ball. It's her favorite."

"I know," Jung nods once again, saying he has everything under control.

After a few more moments of silence Seol starts to sleep once again, and So approaches him, carefully passing his daughter over to Jung, who has enough practice of holding her to not disturb her sleep.

Without saying a word, his brother leaves the dark room.

On the outside, he can hear Soo's muffled words, but they are too faint for him to know if she's crying or not. And even though he wanted to bid goodbye properly, along with Baek Ah, he knows that bringing Seol outside right now would only make things harder for her parents, so he doesn't move at all.

After the sound of galloping fades into the distance, his 13th brother walks in, his face somber and gloomy.

"They're gone," he says and Jung nods, the little girl in his arms becoming too heavy all of a sudden.

"This is too absurd," Jung complains, not for the first neither the last time, and Baek Ah scoffs humorless.

"Tell me about it," he mutters, and then starts to pick Jung's stuff, helping him to go back to his move, "Let's go now. You have to arrive in Chungju before it's time for her to eat."

.

.

.

.

The sun seems to take forever to rise. And when it does Hae Soo finally speaks.

"I know that I did what was best, but why do I feel that it's so wrong?"

"That's what I've been thinking all this time," So says, his arms tightening around her, his head leaning in her nape, "Stop stealing my lines. You're supposed to be the optimistic one."

"I just want my daughter."

"Me too. I want her too," he sighs and kisses the top of her head, "But she'll be fine. Jung already adores her."

"But I wanted her to be fine with us," she confesses finally, losing her battle against her tears that start to pour and turning around to bury her face in his chest - she has no interest in the ocean or in the sun, "I wanted to marry you. I wanted to be your wife and grow old with you. I wanted to keep her by our side. I wanted to see her grow up. To see her talk, and walk. To see her having her own thoughts, getting into her own little adventures and laugh. I wanted to be with both of you."

It's hard to hold his tears back, but he and Soo have an unspoken deal to not cry when the other one is crying, so he keeps strong and just rubs her back, trying to comfort her.

"I know," his voice comes out somewhat hoarse from his tightened throat, "Trust me, I know."

"Why can't we have nice things?" She complains with tears and sobs, and he can't answer her.

That's something he's been asking himself for a while now, but no matter how much he thinks about it, he can't come up with a satisfying conclusion.

So he only lets her cry and put out all of her tears, until she is empty and numb on his arms.

Only then he finally speaks, softly, next to her ear, "We should go back."

Soo nods, but she still sounds miserable when she speaks.

"I'll suffocate in there."

"Do you want to go to her?" He asks, not for the first time, holding her face carefully as he wipes all traces of her tears and she pouts.

"But then, who'll take care of you?"

"I can take care of myself."

"Nonsense," she chastises him, raising a hand to pat his face, and for a moment she's the old Hae Soo once again, "Your makeup is getting fainter right here."

"Soo-yah…"

"Let's go back," she puts an end to the conversation, wrapping an arm around his as she drags him back to his horse, "I think the girls in the Damiwon are going crazy without me."

He doesn't protest; he doesn't say anything at all. He just watches her carefully, afraid that, anytime, she'll shatter into a thousand pieces.

.

.

.

.

The second they cross the walls of the palace, Soo feel her her heart tightening in her chest. The moment So helps her to climb down the horse, she feels like she can't breathe.

She holds on to him, her hands clenching his robes as she takes a deep breath. Then she opens her eyes and tries to smile, just so he won't look so terrified and worried about her.

It's hard, but she manages to.

She manages to keep her emotions inside as he takes her back to the room she didn't step in months - that still looks just like she left it - and only after he helps her sit down, does she cry again.

This time there are only silent tears streaming down her face, and So wipes them away without saying a word. He just sits down next to her, until the palace is pulsing with life and activities once again, and he has to leave.

A few court ladies come, bringing her meal and something to drink, but she doesn't feel the taste of the food. She doesn't even feel the funny look some of them have when they see her back. She doesn't feel hunger or thirst at all.

She doesn't feel anything.

 _If you were going to just give up, then you shouldn't have returned at all._

She's miserable, but so is So, and crying alone won't help her condition.

She's miserable, but she's still alive and her daughter is safe; crying alone won't change the way things are.

She repeats this same mantra over and over in her head, until she gathers enough strength to stand up.

.

.

.

.

Walking around the hallways and courtyards after so long feels weird, especially when she thinks about how many things have changed. And, as she walks further ahead and away from her stuffed and confined little room, she feels herself breathing with more ease.

Maybe this is not so bad.

Maybe she can survive this.

But then she stops on her tracks, finally noticing the woman standing before her.

Soo only bows out of habit, her mind and soul somewhere else entirely, and waits until Daemok leaves to raise her eyes and continue her lonely walk. She doesn't want any unnecessary drama, and she's not in the mood to endure or retort Yeon Hwa's poisoned words.

That, however, doesn't stop the queen from standing her ground and studying her with a scrutinizing gaze, and then finally speaking with a condescending tone.

"It must be hard for you, Lady Hae Soo."

It takes all of her might not to flinch and hold her position steady, prevent her emotions from surfacing to her face. It takes all of her inner strength to maintain her voice firm and stable, her tone neutral and her expression intrigued as she speaks.

"What do you mean, Hwanghu?"

"Oh, you don't have to act like that," Yeon Hwa smiles patronizingly, and Soo wants to slap it off her face, but her next words make a chill run down her spine, "You know, I always wondered how Pyeha would try to protect you if you ever came to conceive. Then I can say that I wasn't that surprised when he suddenly sent you away from the palace," Soo doesn't move, she doesn't dare to. She can only continue to listen to the woman's triumphant speech, "Though I am surprised with how long you were away. I have not yet carried a child, but I'm sure that it takes more than six months for the gestation to be over with."

Hae Soo's eyes, who were fixed and unmoving until that moment, finally perked up and she blinked rapidly in surprise. Yes, the queen suspected of her pregnancy. But now she believes Soo had a miscarriage and returned to the palace in shame. Apparently, she thought it would be great to gloat over Soo's misery and throw some salt in her wounds.

It seems like her plan worked better than she expected.

If Yeon Hwa thinks she has no children at all, then Seol is safe. And just like that, a shadow dissipates from Soo's heart.

The other woman, however, seems to think that her words hit a nerve on Hae Soo, and takes her reaction as an incentive to keep going.

"I should thank you though, as I believe it was your idea to get away from this place to try to have your baby. Had you lost your child anywhere near me, Pyeha could have believed that it had been my doing. We know he couldn't forgive that," Her fake smile fades away, and she puts on a sorrowful and pitiful look, "Oh, do not worry. I do not wish to spread anything about it. Especially since this loss must be very hard on you. I don't think I can understand it."

Soo's eyes harden after the woman has finished speaking, and she puts on a condescending smile similar to the one Yeon Hwa had a few seconds before, and she speaks with the sugary tone that irritates everyone off.

"Thank you for your kind words of consolation, Hwanghu. But you are right: you cannot understand my loss. Especially because, even though you've been married long enough, you have yet to conceive and hold your first-born," she pronounces the last words articulately, just so she can use them as nails on the woman's pride and her ego, "But thank you once again for your concern."

Soo bows graciously, smiling as if the woman is her best friend in the world, and walks away first without waiting for a dismissal. Her heart and her mind lighter than before, since seeing Daemok's outraged face revitalizes her more than she expected.

.

.

.

.

The sun has just raised on the palace, and there aren't many people walking around when Soo joins him right beside the external gates.

She brings a small basket with fresh pastries for him - her sleeping habits were still used to Seol's pattern of waking up in the middle of the night demanding to be fed, so she had a long time to spend alone in the kitchen of the Damiwon - and smiles brightly all the time he takes to prepare to depart.

"I envy you," she complains as she carefully tidies his clothes, pouting slightly, "You can freely ride around the country and ignore things in the palace."

He knows she's not really complaining, but he still sounds wistful when he pulls a strand of hair behind her ear and whispers, "I wish I could take you along."

"I know," Soo pats his chest, finished with her inspection, "And I wish I could sneak out and go to Chungju unnoticed, but I think I've overdone it."

She doesn't like to comment on how weak her body is or on how tired and sore she feels, but he made her promise to always talk about such things, so she stopped trying to hide them.

"Stay put and rest," he nods, agreeing, also worried about her condition, and then narrows his eyes to scold her, "You shouldn't even have come here right now."

"I have yet to see someone daring to stop me from approaching the king," she raises an eyebrow and defiance, and he laughs, even though he's still not satisfied with her restless habits.

"Then I'll assign guards to stop you from stepping out of your bed."

"You know it won't work."

It really won't, and they both knew it by experience, as she had managed to avoid and escape from the watch he placed outside her bedroom a few days before.

So he only sighs, giving up on making her stay put in her bed or even in her bedroom, despite the odd hour and her deteriorating health, and asks in an inquisitive tone.

"What is it that you want?"

Her eyes lighten when he sees behind her behavior, and she reaches inside her robe to pull out a white envelope, "Just for you to deliver a letter."

His gaze softens as he takes the new letter she wrote for her daughter, and folds it carefully in his basket as the guards finally get ready and set the royal entourage behind him.

"Very well, I'll take it with me."

"I'll wait patiently," she yields to his previous insistence and reassures him cheerfully, "Don't worry, I won't overwork or anything."

"Can't you promise me you won't work at all?"

She laughs out loud then, nudging him slightly.

"Do you even know me?"

.

.

.

.

Jung finds him standing by the crib, looking down to the small sleeping infant.

He knew his brother would show up in Chungju sooner or later, but he never thought the man would also go into his house without warning and just wait for him to show up as he stood before his daughter.

Of course, he's smart enough to not complain.

So, after he recovers from the fright, he cleans his throat to draw So's attention and walks into the room he had set up for Seol, trying not to flinch at the stare of his brother for being interrupted.

"I still don't like this," he tells his brother, still upset with the arrangement he and Soo came up with, but unable to fight back.

The other man seems to share his discontempt with the way things are, as he grunts and turns his longing eyes back to Seol, "There's no other way."

"Are you sure?"

"I kept you away from mother," he nods quietly and speaks softly as to not disturb his daughter's sleep, "Now you'll keep me away from my daughter."

Despite all the time they spent together in Baek Ah's small recluded home and all the conversations Soo made them have, their mother is still a sensitive topic between them. So Jung falters, casts his eyes down and holds back the angry response that's desperate to clash and start a fight.

Not only for Seol, but also because he's tired of the nonsense fights between his brothers.

And right now, his brother is hurting more than Jung did back when their mother died. No matter how much he tries to, he will never be able to understand what kind of inner strength he had to muster to be able to willingly part with his daughter. All along knowing and watching Hae Soo wane and slowly die.

He sighs and then looks back to the man, who's watching Seol with a fixed gaze, "What are you here for?"

"I've come to officially restore you to your old titles and position," he answers in a heartbeat, his eyes never returning to Jung as he speaks.

"You didn't have to…"

"But the truth is that I came to see my child."

"Oh," Jung blinks after the man finishes speaking, but he can't really say he's surprised by the man's risky actions

"I need to leave now," So says after another moment of silence, walking away from the crib and towards Jung, a pointed look in his eyes as he gives out his instructions, "But you're expected to come to the palace as soon as you can. The court knows that I'm planning to give your old status back, but there's not to be any suspicion of the real reason."

Jung nods firmly, fully committed to his task, despite his discontentment, already ready to do anything for Seol, even if it was against everything he believed in.

"Of course," he says, resolute, and So's intense glare softens as he nods in satisfaction.

Then, out of nowhere, he pulls out a letter in a white envelope, and Jung immediately notices that it's a new addition to Soo's stash of letters to Seol, carefully and secretly tucked away in a black wooden box.

"This is to be kept with the others," So explains as he passes it to him, "I trust you hid it well, as she instructed?"

"Of course I did," Jung replies once again, but the second he touches the letter, his worry grows too much to be contained, "How is Hae Soo?"

He asks even knowing exactly what kind of expression his brother makes whenever they talk about Hae Soo, even knowing very well that he won't like the answer.

"As you'd expect her to be," So says anxiously, no liking his own answer. And with no heart to say anything else afterwards.

So, with a small nod and a swift move, he's gone once again, leaving his daughter behind and trusting Jung to protect, care and raise her.

No matter what, he doesn't feel what he's doing is right.

"Tell me, Seol-ah," he whispers to the sleeping girl, "There really isn't anything we can do?"

.

.

.

.

It's late when So arrives, but she is still awake.

This time, however, it's not because she's stubborn, or because she's conditioned to wake up and sleep at odd times of the day. It's because she had another crisis of pain that left her breathless and unmoving on the floor of the Damiwon, and it took quite a while for it to subside.

Minji had panicked when she saw her like that, and Yoobin had a rare worried frown on her face, as they discreetly helped her to get back to her room, and then poured a cup of calming tea for her.

It took a while for Hae Soo to calm them down. A long while. And multiple cups of tea.

But even after she convinced them that she was fine, that she could be alone and they were gone, she couldn't fall asleep. Her chest would hurt, no matter the position she lay. Her lungs didn't seem to breathe easily, no matter how loose her clothes were. Her mind wouldn't settle down, no matter how long she stared at the dark ceiling.

That's how So meets her, spread all across her mattress after a fistful sleepless night, when he carefully walks in to see her without waking her up.

She giggles when he stares reproachfully at her, clearly unamused by seeing that she's, once again, up late at night.

But the furrow of his brow disappears as soon as she enlaces her arms around his neck to kiss him.

So leans back and lays down beside her, and Soo finally finds a comfortable position, nestled in his arms, her head buried in his chest.

She knows he's about to nag and tell her to go to sleep at once, so she speaks up, before he even tries to pull away.

"How big is she?" She asks quietly, her voice muzzled by his robes, "How much is she weighting now?"

She feels his silent chuckle resonate through his body.

"It's only been a few weeks," he teases, caressing the back of her head, pulling the strands back in order.

"Really?" she smiles, but her voice still cracks and suffocates on her throat, "I feel like it's been a lifetime."

There is a pause and a moment of silence. Soo knows he's trying to calm himself down, but she also feels the way his arms tighten a little around her.

"Still not feeling too well?" His voice is controlled, but he can't pretend his heart is not jumping quick and hard in his chest, especially when she rests her head on him and listens the loud thumping clearly.

"I'll be fine," she smiles and rubs her hand on his chest, whispering to his anxious heart, "Stop worrying."

So hums in accordance, but doesn't ease the strength of his hold.

"Let's see the doctor again in the morning," The same anxiety of his heart echoes on his voice when he speaks. And even though Hae Soo knows the doctor can't say anything positive about her condition, she also knows he won't rest easy if he doesn't know everything.

"Okay," she agrees, and then snuggles closer to him, "Can you sleep here tonight?"

"Not going to chase me away?"

"Not today. I'm feeling tired and gloomy," she says, even though she's actually afraid that she won't be able to find a comfortable position and be able to sleep if he leaves, "I think I need some comforting."

So immediately relents to her wishes, bringing a blanket over both of them, and then settling down for the night, slowly caressing her head to ease her down to sleep.

She's enjoying his soft touch, her eyes closed in delight, despite the aching of her body and the exhaustion of her mind. But before she finally falls asleep, his whisper jolts her awake.

"She still looks a lot like you."

Soo smiles widely, her eyes filling with tears as she tries to imagine how Seol looks right now, compared to how she looked when she last saw her, picturing that smile in her mind, the same one he always told to be just like hers.

"Does she?"

She can feel him nodding, but still has her face buried on his chest, and then there is his soothing touch on her cheek, wiping tears she didn't realize had fallen, but he already knew to be there.

"But I'm starting to see bits of me as well," he finishes saying and she giggles at his way to admit she was right all along, those ears definitely came from him.

With her mind calmed after receiving news from her daughter, Soo feels peaceful enough to drift away with no pain. Happy that, even though distant from them, their daughter is safe and protected, growing up outside the shadow of the palace.

She sleeps and dreams the world is simpler, and her family can finally be together.

.

.

.

.

 _That snow came to me during summer._

 _The timing was off, and the lives of many would be troubled by it, but I loved it._

 _I loved the snow as it slowly came from the sky and descended gradually until I could hold it with my hands. I loved how the white snowflakes contrasted with the landscape and skimmed on my skin, making me feel a new and deeper emotion. I loved how the day was filled with a different kind of happiness just because of that snow, and how the empty nights were filled with a pristine laughter._

 _But the days were hot, and the snow eventually melted, and before I could fully embrace it, the snow was gone._

 _Now I wait for winter, even though my body is cold. I wait for winter, hoping to catch a glimpse of that snow before my body freezes and there are no more season left. I wait for a chance to see that snow that came to me during summer, even though I know it won't be the same as it was back then. And that, after winter is gone, the snow will disappear again._

 _But as long as I know the next winter might carry it, then I don't have to worry. Just because the snow isn't here now, it doesn't mean it will be gone forever. And just because I might not be here when it comes next time, it doesn't mean it won't skim on others._

 _That's what I want to believe. As I bid goodbye to the snow, that's what I wish for._

 _To that snow that came to me during summer, I send all my love._

* * *

 **A\N:** **Now, I apologize for the angst. Sorry. I just couldn't fit too much fluff in there.  
**

 **What's going to happen now? Well, with Soo back to the palace I'm sure you have noticed that I'm finally getting closer and closer to the end. You could wait, I guess, five more chapters or so? Not sure when I'll be able to update though, as there are other stuff going on. Including my other works. *sigh***

 **Sorry once again.**

 **...**

 **Clavel : _Well, there you, some massive angst after a happy chapter. At least you could prepare yourself for it, right? Writing the WangBros together with Seol and Soo was great and fun. I'll try to include at least a few happy moments in the final chapters. Thanks a lot! (also, I keep forgetting where I'm getting the reviews from, as I just read them on my email inbox)_**

 **Myrka : _Gracias! I think babies' laugh are one of the most beautiful things in the world! I remember the first time I heard the sister of a friend laughing, but I couldn't recall how old she was. Sorry for the late update!_**


	18. life goes on, people sing their songs

**A\N: I know I said I didn't know when I could be able to update. But I truly didn't expect to be so long. And I didn't expect to go into the new year without completing this work. However, life is the way it is. I even tried to update at least in Christmas, but even during vacation my schedule was full.**

 **So, enjoy the last chapter of the year, which I hope will be better than the previous one. And hopefully I'll be back soon.**

* * *

Jung walks into the morning meeting expecting his death.

Not that he thinks he'll actually die in there, but he knows by now how intense the smallest affair gets once you're the assembly of the King, surrounded by the prying eyes of the ministers and clan leaders. The hall of the throne room is like a group of merchants, evaluating a piece of meat or a sack of potatoes, Hae Soo said to him once, and they'll protect or reject according to their own needs - the lives of the other's held little value to the leaders of rich clans. So, as he walks up towards the room, he keeps telling himself that this place is dangerous and that he'll hold his ground better if he has his battle senses active, and his mind fully alert.

On the outside, though, he maintains his cool posture. The serene look of a general who has full control of the battlefield.

To be honest, Jung would very much prefer to go to the battlefield.

But the battlefield doesn't need him right now. Hae Soo does, and her daughter Seol. Even his brother, despite being King and all can't take matters into his own hands and solve the situation all alone, so he needs him as well. They all need him even though So and Soo are being to stubborn to realize that.

They need him to do the right thing, and Jung will do it, even if he feels like dying in the process.

To be honest, Jung doesn't know very much all the details of the process.

As he stands before the gates of the room from where the voices of the King and the ones present echo, it finally hits him that he came to Songak with no complete idea of what's going on.

He knows that there is a story about him that So and Baek Ah came up with, but Jung never really bothered to get the details - too angry or too worried about the other aspects of Hae Soo's long and intricate plan (Good or bad? Jung will come to that conclusion later) that involved him taking an infant child and suddenly become a father without even getting married first.

Now he only curses at himself silently, racking his head as he tries to remember even the smallest detail of the story Baek Ah tried to pass to him once. And that he completely forgot to ask his brother when he last came to give him the notice.

 _Did I put down a spy or a coup?_

Before he can fully remember, though, the doors open and he has to stride inside.

 _I really hope Pyeha doesn't make me narrate my achievement._

It's been a while since he strode in front of the ministers and clan leaders before kneeling to the King. He can't deny he looks a bit awkward as the crushing silent atmosphere makes his few steps seem like a long walk upon blazes. And when he kneels down, his fast-paced heart drums on his ears.

"14th prince Wang Jung," the King's voice finally resonates around the room, and Jung silently awes at how different he sounds from their last secret meetings, when he went to visit Hae Soo and their daughter, "I expected you to arrive sooner."

"My apologies, Your Majesty," he still remembers the protocol and doesn't look directly to the man sitting on the throne, "I was obliged to travel slowly as I come with delicate company."

Jung can almost picture the expression on his brother's face, although he has never seen So acting all poised during meetings. He wondered before coming if he should send some sort of message to explain his delay, but for things to work out smoothly, it would be better if So acted just a bit surprised when Jung delivered the news.

Now, if he would actually die afterwards was a worry for later.

"I'm afraid I do not understand," So's confused voice soon breaks the brief moment of silence, never once losing the imposing volume. His words seem to reflect the question in the eyes of the bystanders, and Jung knows that this moment will define everything.

And yet, he's completely at ease.

He knows a winning strategy when he sees one. And, even if it costs him his life, this plan will definitely work.

"I have taken in an infant to raise in my personal house, Your Majesty," Jung answers lightly, trying to gauge So's mood without seeing him. Another short pause and another confused mutter between the onlookers, and Jung has to hold back the smirk.

"Any reason for this sudden act?" Only Jung can notice and understand the uneasiness on the King's question.

"It was a blessing sent from the Heavens. They guided me to the poor family's house just in time to help save the girl's life and hear the last words of her mother," Jung well-practiced lie slips easily from his lips, "And although my initial plan was to find a suitable home for the baby, it only took me one day to be fully captivated and decided to take her in as my adopted daughter."

The touching story makes all the present mutter approvingly, smiling at the soft-hearted and generous (he also manages to hear a 'naïve' and a 'gullible' among the whispers) prince and his great gesture. But Jung's only concern is the man sitting on the throne, whom he's not allowed to look at in any circumstances.

"And I understand you have brought her with you," So's voice is now fully veiled as he uses the polite, distant and cold tone, finally recovered from Jung's surprised.

"Yes, as I have yet to completely settle her back home," Jung pauses and takes a deep breath before continuing, "I decided it would be appropriate to introduce her to you first."

"I take she's being properly cared for as you attend this meeting?" The threat is not lost for Jung, even if the King's words aren't menacing.

"Yes, I have already seen to it."

"Very well," So dismisses the topic and repeats once again the amount of good things the 14th Prince Wang Jung has done to the crown. And once again Jung's mind is too far away to pay attention to the fabricated details So and Baek Ah pulled together to allow him to roam around freely in the country.

However, the second the words ' _putting an end to a coup_ ' reach his ears, his head is back to its place.

.

.

.

.

After the meeting is diminished and the ministers start to scatter around the palace, So nods for Jung to follow him without saying a word. The silence continues as he walks by the hallways, followed by a long line of eunuchs and court ladies, and Jung starts to feel worried about what his brother is thinking.

There must be some sort of sign language between the King and his trail of eunuchs and servants, and a very secret and discreet one. At some point of the route all the people trailing behind them stop walking simultaneously and stand in their positions, without a word from So or even a clear gesture. Taken aback by the behaviour he never bothered to notice in the servants of the palace, he fails to notice where they are headed to until his brother stops walking as well.

Jung stands before him, finally realizing they are in the middle of the East wall of the palace. Which is great, because the walls are probably the safest place to have the conversation So wants to without risking being overheard; but it also isn't so great because the walls are also the best place to get rid of someone without raising suspicion.

For the first time on the day, Jung looks into his brother's eyes. They're not really happy, but that was to be expected.

Years ago that very same glare coming from his father would make Jung back down and cast his eyes down. But he's now a Great General, and he knows how to look intimidating as well.

So when the King finally speaks, he doesn't flinch and doesn't show any signs of being fazed.

"That was reckless," So grunts in a low voice.

"You can thank me later," Jung retorts in a similar tone.

A deep sigh shows that his brother is not amused. But it's not like that would stop him and So knows it, so he changes his strategy.

"You should have told me…" he tries to argue, but Jung is quick to debunk him.

"You wouldn't let me."

"For a good reason."

"She deserves to know you," Jung has a hard time to hold back his frustration, and it takes all his self-control not to scream at his brother and let the entire palace know what they are talking about, "And you two deserve to know her. Even if you can't claim her as your own, you can have her nearby."

There is a moment of silence between them as So looks away from him and to the vast building in front of them, with an expression that Jung can't quite understand.

Then, when So finally speaks again, his voice has an entire different tone, "It's not good to raise her here."

Jung can understand his worries, so he's quick to offer the solution he came up with.

"She's still an infant. When the time comes she may leave to Chungju, but even then she'll come often to visit the king."

 _That way she won't become a dreary scarred victim or a cunning manipulative snake._

 _That way she'll remain pure and untouched from the life inside the palace and still be able to know who her parents were one day._

 _That way, everyone wins._

"Jung-ah…" his brother tries to protest, but Jung notices his hesitation and his conviction starting to crack.

"You're reprimanding me, but on the inside you're happy, aren't you?"

So can't deny it, and Jung knows it. So is happy, and his smile threatens to break his cold and rigid façade, his tapping foot showing his eagerness to go see her this instant. But at the same time, a furrow deepens on his brow, and he looks conflicted. As if there's something else holding him down.

Before Jung can ask, though, So starts to reminisce the past.

"I tried to help Hae Soo to escape from entering the palace years ago," He continues to look away to the main building of the Cheondokjeon, but his eyes seem to see something else, "Oh Sanggung even wanted to take her away once. And yet, she thought that as long as she worked hard enough, she could manage to live well here. In the end she was tortured and almost executed." Jung waits in silence when So looks back to him, the clear signs of conflict and the yearning subduing the regal mask he bore just a while ago, as his brother continues to speak, "Hae Soo wanted to leave the palace before. I told her no, and promised her that I would make her happy here. And now she's dying."

A part of Jung tries to understand what his brother means, tries to think what he would feel if he were in his place. But despite all the guilt So might feel, Jung's still not convinced by his train of thought.

"Things are different now," he argues softly, hoping that it will be enough to sway his brother without starting another argument, "Why wouldn't you want her to be here, even just for a while?"

"I don't want her to despise me."

 _Like our mother despised me._

 _Like our brothers despised me._

 _Like you did._

Jung can't possibly say she won't. And that's not because he despised So once, but because there's no way he'll know for sure what will happen in the future. Empty words won't put his brother at ease, and Jung knows him well enough to understand that.

So he wonders what Hae Soo would do in his place and tries to go on with that.

"Then talk to her," Jung shrugs, not sure if that's really what Hae Soo would say, but still the best he can think of right now, "Let her know who you really are."

"I don't want her to know what I have done. That only causes unnecessary grief."

And then Jung's peaceful thoughts and efforts to not lose his temper are extinguished in the blink of an eye.

"We make mistakes to learn with them, not to repeat history. You and Hae Soo need to stop being so afraid all the time and look to the future with hope. If not, then why did you become a King for?" So opens his mouth, most likely to say another nonsense, but Jung is quick to cut his chance to speak, "I agree that this place is dangerous, so I'll continue to take care of her. I'll follow this arrangement you two came up with and do everything to keep her identity a secret. But that doesn't mean you two should leave her behind," he stops speaking and notices that So's eyes are back to him, although he can't read his expression, then he thinks of something else, "And she's technically my daughter now. So there. I'm the one who decides where she goes or not."

The last bit might have been too much, but it's already out, so Jung has no option but to hold his position firmly, staring back to the King's hard and cold eyes.

"I could banish you again," So says in a clear voice, but Jung only shrugs at the threat.

"It's not like that stopped me from coming here before."

He expected lots of different reactions from his brother, but Jung's still surprised when he sees So smile.

"Jung-ah."

So's actions scare him, so he has his guard up, fearing what's about to happen, "What?"

The patting on his shoulder makes him flinch, but So continues to smile as he speaks softly.

"Thank you."

.

.

.

.

"Are you the baby's nursemaid?" So asks the young woman with plain clothes. He fights to focus on her first, instead of rushing to his daughter and cradling her into his arms.

"Yes, Pyeha," the girl whose name So had forgotten a second after Jung told him bows slightly, "Have you come to see her?"

His nod is subtle, as if he's talking about a stranger, and his voice sounds almost indifferent when he speaks, "Since she's the adopted daughter of my younger brother, she's my adopted niece as well."

Taking that as a confirmation, the nursemaid goes up to the girl who's playing quietly on her blanket with her new wooden toys. He watches in dismay as Seol goes up in the woman's arms without protesting for being separated from her entertainment, but then they are turning around to face him and So's heart melts in his chest.

Of course, it could be just an impression or his wishful thinking. He doesn't have enough experience with babies, so he has no facts to support what he sees, but the second Seol's eyes meet his, her face lightens up, and for a moment he's sure that she recognized him.

Then the apprehension builds up inside him, because if others realize that Seol knows him they might start to see the familiar traces on her face and link her back to him and Soo, and thus she'll be in danger and will live under a present and constant shadow of fear, never knowing what is like to be free and safe.

But the nursemaid doesn't look surprised when, after smiling to the man she supposedly just met, Seol goes up in his arms without fussing or making an expression of confusion. On the other hand, the woman looks as if that's what's expected from the girl.

"Is she usually this easygoing?" So asks with a confused voice, and this time he's not faking it.

The woman nods and smiles, clearly delighted with his reaction but trying her best not to show it.

"The 14th Prince constantly takes her out," she explains calmly, looking at the girl with fondness, "So she's not shy with strangers and doesn't have a hard time to get used to a different place."

"Is that the reason why?"

"I'm sure it helps, but she's a sweet and calm baby by nature."

"I see."

Apparently, that part of Seol was a blessing for the woman who had to take care of her. So tries to imagine what it would be like to tend a baby that keeps crying whenever they're in an unknown environment, and concludes that yes, the nursemaid must be deeply grateful for Seol's personality.

Then, just because he wants to sound like he doesn't know much about the baby girl, he asks a more well-mannered and common question, "How old is she?"

"We estimate she's around nine months," the nursemaid replies promptly, quickly providing all the information needed, "As we didn't find any living relatives, we can never know for sure."

So's heart gets a little bit heavier, as he holds his almost eleven-months-old daughter. The day of her birth will be unknown to almost everyone, and to the eyes of the strangers she'll always be an orphan.

There's a bit of sadness in his chest when he keeps thinking about what kinds of problems she might face in the future because of their intricate web of lies, but then he remembers that the misfortunes of an orphan taken by a Prince are far less than the bastard child of a king with little support from his own ministers and clan leaders.

"Maybe that's for the best," he mutters under his breath, patting Seol's back gently.

"I'm sorry?"

"It's nothing. This child will surely be blessed by the Heavens," The cold and distant tone of the King is back, though it carries a bit of polite warmth, as he gives the girl back to her nursemaid. He's about to turn around and leave the room, but then a sudden idea strikes him and he looks to the young woman that takes care of his daughter, "If there's anything you need and you can't reach the 14th Prince, make sure to send a direct message to me. I'll do whatever I can if I'm available."

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.

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.

After his brother leaves, Jung knows it's only a matter of time until Soo finds out as well, so he starts to prepare himself for the encounter.

However, only a few minutes after So steps out, and when he's all alone and holding the baby in his arms, Soo is already knocking on his door and barging in. Unlike the cold and detached façade of the King, she doesn't try to conceal the excitement that even makes her bounce slightly as she walks.

"Pyeha told me you adopted a little girl," she jumps straight to the point and Jung braces himself, not trusting the smile on her face.

"Are you also going to scold me and tell me I was irresponsible?"

He pulls up all of his defensive instincts, gets all of the arguments he used previously with his brother, and braces himself for another lengthy and extended discussion with her. But her next words disarm all of his preparations.

"I was," she shakes her head, dismissing the tiring talk, "But he was so excited about the baby, so I'll thank you instead."

Soo's eyes shine, just like So's did a while ago. And since the nursemaid has stepped out for a second he doesn't go through all the etiquette of introducing the girl as his daughter and just comes closer to her, turning Seol to face her.

"Here, hold her."

He doesn't have to say twice.

Just like he used to do back in Baek Ah's secluded house when Seol was just an infant, Jung watches them in silence. Soo talks to the girl in the cheerful and bright tone people use to talk to babies, and plays with her hands and her nose, tickling her belly and making the girl laugh and squirm.

A few moments later she seems to have caught up with Seol and starts to speak with him again.

"If my child had lived, then I would be giving birth around today," Her tone is wary, and by her words, Jung knows she's being cautious of possible passersby overhearing their conversation so he gets ready to the conversation through secret codes and indirect words, "I always thought I would have a girl."

"You can be her mother if you want to." He still has the decree his 3rd brother gave him, in case she needs to challenge So to go away from the palace, but his offer is null, as he's sure she won't ever leave him.

"I'm sure you can find a much better one."

Soo's rejection doesn't hurt him. And her smile doesn't feel like a deep cut into his chest. Lately he has come to understand there are worse fears and deeper pains to worry about. He doesn't get angry for her lack of self-preservation instincts, and her foolish acts.

After all, Jung did promise he would be by her side through thick and thin.

He's about to say that yes, he'll find a good mother for Seol, someone just like her, who can help him to raise her to be a good person, when the doors open once again, and someone unexpected walks in.

"Hwanghu!" Jung greets her politely, but still surprised by the sudden visit, "I didn't expect to see you here."

"She's my niece as well, isn't she?" The woman raises an eyebrow, as if she is speaking something obvious and he's a fool for not realizing.

Anything else she could possibly say would have been alright for Jung. But he already had a small antipathy for his sister, and seeing her act all high and almighty didn't help Yeon Hwa to be seen any more favorably. So he drops all the pretense to act as a humble subject.

"I'm not sure of high in esteem you hold your family."

He smiles lightly when Daemok stares coldly at him, and speaks in a sulky tone, clearly taken aback by his implications, "You too."

"What did you expect?"

The woman's silence makes his smile grow even larger, and he can see her fits tightening under her rick silk robes.

"I'm surprised Pyeha brought you back," she changes the topic and tries to put him down at the same time, then turns around to the woman holding the baby, who has been watching their argument in silence, "Aren't you surprised as well, Hae Soo?"

Soo shrugs, showing she's not surprised at all, and that Yeon Hwa is crazy for assuming so.

"I've been trying to convince Pyeha to bring the 14th Prince back from the day he was banished."

"And just like that, he fulfilled your wish."

Soo's smile is not polite, unlike Daemok's. And Jung is once

"He only restored Wangjanim's titles and position after his contributions to the crown," she points out calmly, and Jung wonders when she became so good at lying like that, "As much as he favors me, Pyeha is a fair ruler, and he will punish and honor accordingly. Even if, to those used to a corrupted ruler, find him too harsh and too cruel."

"Like that court lady?"

"And like the 8th Prince."

Both of them fall silent but continue to radiate murderous intent from their eyes, and Jung worries if they'll start a physical fight, like the one his 13th brother told him about once. His arms are ready to take Seol back and away from the sight of the Queen, when Yeon Hwa speaks, still looking directly to Hae Soo.

"Let me hold the girl."

Jung notices Soo tensing with the woman's words, but she still manages to look composed and collected, even when she turns to him so they can keep up their charade.

"Wangjanim?"

"Go ahead," he replies unwillingly. Of course, he doesn't want Daemok to hold Seol either, but to evade the woman now might draw unnecessary attention to the girl.

And she obviously has no interest in Seol, and only showed up to be a nuisance and maintain her appearance of a potential mother. So, the sooner she got what she wanted and left, the better.

Yeon Hwa holds Seol carefully, although a little awkward, tries and fails to capture her attention, but manages to still look graceful and regal the entire time.

"Luckily, she's fair and healthy," she comments with Jung, acting as if Hae Soo wasn't there at all, "It would be hard enough to raise an orphan, let alone an ill one."

"So I've been told."

And because the room wasn't feeling crowded already, his 13th brother decides to come in as well.

Just like Hae Soo, he barges in as soon as he knocks on the door, but unlike her, he arrives loudly like a storm.

"I came as soon as I heard," he exclaims with a bright smile, his eyes immediately closed on the girl in the arms of the Queen, whom he smoothly ignores, "So it is true!"

"How did you know?"

"I went to greet Pyeha and he told me. Wah! I can't believe you had a kid before me!"

"She's not really mine, though!" Jung jumps at Baek Ah's attempt to clear the mood and gives continuation to the bickering.

"She might as well be, otherwise she'd be all alone."

"Does she have a name already?" Yeon Hwa, asks annoyed, but unable to do anything about the brothers' behavior.

"I've named her Seol, Hwanghu."

"Seol?"

Daemok's question should be considered natural, but Jung tenses on the inside. Could she really be suspicious of Seol's mother?

On the outside, he shrugs, "I thought it was a pretty name. It fits."

"Are you really sure she's not really yours?" Baek Ah teases him, starting another side conversation, "You two are quite alike."

"Eh! Jung-ah, where did you find her again?" Soo decides to join the fun as well, as they all pretend not to notice the twitching eyebrow of the Queen.

"Hyungnim, stop it. They'll believe you."

And Jung is sure they would continue like this, but Seol starts crying and he's jumping to his feet and taking the girl from Yeon Hwa.

 _Yes, baby, you can cry. She is a mean and scary woman. Cry, so I can finally rescue you from her._

"Is she hungry?" Baek Ah is the one who asks, but Soo is the one who looks more afflicted.

"No. She's sleepy," he explains softly as the girl's whimpers, rubbing her back soothingly and wiping the tears off her face, "Lately she only sleeps on her own bed. Excuse me."

He steps out hurriedly, his heart still throbbing violently after the encounter, grudgingly leaving Soo and Baek Ah alone with a cunning and manipulative snake.

A very poisonous one at that.

.

.

.

.

Baek Ah's body is still tensed, even after Jung leaves with Seol.

The truth is, he had only rushed over when he heard that the Queen would also be visiting the adopted daughter of the 14th Prince, whom the King had recently restored to his former position, and would give the girl her blessings.

Dread had filled him, and for a second he thought everything was over. But then a small bubble of relief surfaced when he arrived and saw that the woman only wanted to cause a ruckus and not investigate the girl's real parents.

And then he feels the same dread once again when, after Jung left with his adopted daughter, Yeon Hwa remains unmoving in the same spot.

 _What does she want?_

He's about to walk away and drag Hae Soo with him, never mind the proper greetings and salutation they own the woman due to her social position, but before he can move, the Queen breaks the silence.

"It's a pity that we didn't get to meet your child as well, Hae Soo," she says in her pitiful tone of voice, and he's sure he can also see a smile starting to form on her lips, "I'd love to also hold your firstborn."

He's about to jump in, do something, say something to Yeon Hwa that might make her stop with the cruelty act, but Soo's actions stop him.

She drags her eyes slowly from the closed doors that Jung passed by a few moments ago and finally meets the other woman's. Then she smiles softly and gently, looking calm and serene as she speaks, "You'd never hold my child, Hwanghu."

"Oh, I didn't mean that I would actually want to hold your baby," Daemok's smile finally grows large enough to be classified as sardonic, "I just wanted to remind how unfortunate your situation is."

Soo sighs, her serene complexion turning into an expression of pity and condescension.

"That's the best you can do?" She shakes her head as if she's lecturing a child, "The musuri from the Gyobang had better ways to bring me down."

That's all it takes for the Queen to lose her composure and break her character, her pride too precious and fragile for her to resist even one insult to it.

"Are you putting me in the same level of a maid?"

"Oh no, I couldn't ever, Hwanghu," Hae Soo becomes serious all of a sudden, rising from the chair she had been sitting all the time Baek Ah had been in there, and walking closer to her rival, "I'm saying you're worse than them. And, honestly, my situation here right now is highly satisfactory. But I guess that someone who's satisfied with a mere title, no matter how empty it is, could never understand."

When she finishes speaking, she tilts her head in curiosity, as if wondering what the other woman's next move might be. And honestly, Baek Ah has already forgotten all about protecting or rescuing Hae Soo, he's just enjoying the spectacle before him.

Daemok's scorns and smirks with disdain, but it's only a desperate attempt to show indifference, and everyone knows she won't get anything from her harsh words, "Your words are bold as ever."

"And yet, you keep trying to pull me down with your arrogance and your bad attitude. But that's okay, that's expected from you." Soo's relaxed smile returns and she even chuckle, what seems to disturb Yeon Hwa even more, "You're mad, aren't you, Hwanghu? No matter what you do, I just keep coming back. Well, even if you kill me with your own hands, you'll never get rid of me. After I'm gone, I'll keep haunting you; my memory will be your worst nightmare."

"We'll see about that," It's all the Queen has to say as she starts to leave the room, but Hae Soo doesn't let her have the final word.

"You will," Soo's words make Yeon Hwa freeze briefly by the door, "And when you do, you'll realize that your situation is more unfortunate than mine."

The Queen finally leaves then, and Baek Ah releases a breath he didn't know he was holding, and Soo walks back to the chair, sprawling down on the seat, looking drained and exhausted.

He walks up to stand before her, worried about her condition and about her behavior, but she doesn't seem like she's about to pass out or jump after the woman and tear down her hair, so he allows himself to relax.

"Are you sure this won't come back to you?"

"So what if it does?" Soo shrugs, and smiles smugly up at him, "She can't actually harm me."

"You seem braver now."

"It's because my time is almost finished," she says, so naturally and casually that it makes it sound even more disturbing and dreary than it should be.

The way she says it makes it sound like this is the last time they see each other. And that scares him.

"Don't say it like that," he chastises her weakly, but she can only continue to smile, bitterly this time.

"It's the truth, though," the words roll down from her lips easily, no signs of tears on her eyes, "Now I fear nothing, since I'll be nothing very soon as well. Now every time I close my eyes, I'm surprised that they open again. My love is safe, my child is free. I won't leave any regrets behind. I'm not afraid to die anymore, so that only means that I am ready to die." She takes a deep breath and he can't do anything but watch her stunned, "Anytime now, Baek Ah-nim. Anytime now."

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"She likes you already."

Soo turns around when she hears him, her face illuminated. But So is pretty sure that's all thanks to the baby girl she's holding and not because of her natural brightness and cheerful character.

 _Lately she had been smiling less and less._

"I'm great with children, didn't you know?" Soo beam up at him as he walks closer, shamelessly boasting her abilities.

"I'm a witness of that," he smiles as he praises her performance of keeping their daughter entertained for an entire night, as Jung reported to him, without having to ask for the nursemaid's help even once. But then a small regret "You'd make a great mother."

"I'd also make a great wife, but I'm not complaining."

He knows what she means. Stop worrying about things that are out of your control. We should be glad we still have each other after all that happened. We should be glad Seol is alright and safe.

Still, part of him can't be satisfied with this arrangement, no matter how relieved she seems to be.

 _And besides, she would definitely make a great wife._

But So smiles softly, putting his concerns and his insatisfaction aside so he can spend some peaceful time with them, just like they used to back in the minuscule hut Baek Ah had in the mountains for some reason.

"When I came by earlier she didn't laugh like this."

"Maybe because she was wondering what is that shiny thing on top of that man's head?" She nods to his golden hairpin, and then he realizes that yes, Seol's gaze is fixated on it, her eyes bulged in curiosity.

"Should I take it off?"

"She'll take it off herself if she's strong enough to do it," Soo guesses, reminding him of the strength of her grip, "But then, she might lose interest."

"I'll keep it out of her reach," he concludes quickly, "You think she'll come to me?"

"Hold this. It's how I tricked her."

She hands him Seol's silk ball, and So's heart warms when he notices that it's still the very same toy he gave her months ago. He shakes it softly in front of the girl, who finally looks away from the top of his hair, her attention captured by the bright colors of the silk.

Besides teaching him the new trick, Soo doesn't have to guide him on how to hold the girl. He had enough practice already, and with Seol older, it was actually easier to know which areas to support and the correct position of his arms. But she still gives pointers to him anyway, and he's not sure if it's because she's too deep into their acting or because she just wants an excuse to keep touching him and Seol, but he doesn't complain.

However, right after she's done with helping him, she drags herself to the other side of the room and lets herself fall down to a chair, trying her to not grunt in protest as her body slumps on the seat. And that's when he notices how demanding the day was for her, especially on the way her eyelids seem to heavy and her breathing too erratic.

So, despite being glad that Seol is finally playing lively with him, a few moments later he walks up to her, sitting on the floor next to her, leaning her head beside her knees.

Seol doesn't mind the new position, and she seems to enjoy sitting down and bouncing the ball in the space between her legs. And unlike Soo, he chooses to watch her play rather than start games with her, content with having to fetch the ball for her from time to time.

"Don't you think Jung was reckless?" He speaks up finally, looking briefly at her before turning his attention back to his daughter.

"When you first told me, I did. When the Queen came by…" He tenses up, his alert eyes turning to her immediately, and she smiles, softly patting his shoulder to calm him down, "We handled it. But well, I almost thought it once again. Now I'm glad he did it," she looks to Seol with glowing eyes, but he continues to look at her, "She should grow up next to her family. And the daughter of a prince with no intentions of raising to the throne has no fears here."

That's what he has been telling himself. That's what his thoughts have been ever since Jung caught him by surprise by bringing her to the very same place they did everything to send her away from. That's the part of him that's glad with this new turn of events, and that keeps telling himself there's absolutely nothing to worry about.

However, there are a few insecurities and uncertainties that stir inside him as well, and another part of him can't help but wonder out loud.

"I'd like to see her come here more often," he caresses Seol head softly, stroking her faint hair, "But what about the sins of the crown?"

"Worry about that when she's old enough to understand them," Soo half chastises half reassures him, the patting on his shoulder replaced by a more aggressive slap, though it still holds some tenderness, "By then, you'll know her well enough to understand the best way to do it."

He doesn't reply. He doesn't need to. He doesn't even want to think more about the distant future. He continues to watch the baby girl, and gets ready to fetch her silk ball once again.

But then Seol does yet another thing that surprises him.

After rolling it between her tiny hands for a few moments, she holds it tightly and, with a large and contagious smile, she offers up her ball - her favorite - to him.

He's flabbergasted, and he takes the toy almost reverently, an aura of stupor and awe surrounding him.

That is, until Soo whispers next to him, breaking his daze, "Pyeha…"

"Hm?"

"I think you'd make a great father."

* * *

 **A\N: While I love fluff, I still feel that my writing is a bit awkward on those bits. But anyway, look, it's SoSooSeol! Finally!**

 **Happy New Year, everyone! :D**

 **...**

 **Anagail: _Thanks a lot! Sorry about the late update, but I hope you continue to enjoy it!_**

 **Myrka Crdenas Garzn: **_**Sim, a neve é Seol. Foi bem triste escrever aquela carta. E não posso falar mais nada sobre o que vai acontecer, apenas continue de olho! (Consegue entender minha resposta em português?) Muchas gracias!**_

 **Vero Diaz: _I think I probably didn't make it clear enough - and omitting their conversation didn't help much - but Soo decided to stay in the palace because she's dying soon and it's safer if Seol has no noticeable relation to her at all, and her conversation with So is just a giant euphemism._**


	19. don't let the color of my eyes fade

The touch on her wrist is soft and gentle, Hae Soo knows it; she has felt it before. Back when her illness was only an occasional discomfort in her chest, and her biggest worry was not to cause a ruckus in the palace, she wondered how the man felt anything by tapping it so lightly. But now, it doesn't matter how careful the former royal doctor is, his fingers feel like two heavy iron bars on her fragile arm.

Ever since she the sunrise she felt her entire body ache, the shivers climbing up and down her spine were a clear sign of her fever, and her heavy eyelids struggled to remain open. She felt as if there were nails hammering against her skull, and she wanted to keep her eyes closed for the rest of the day, without leaving the safety of her dark room and the comfort of her blankets, but the visit to the doctor was an urgent matter.

The problem, however, wasn't her muscles protesting, the sudden fever or even her head threatening to burst. The real issue was the long and sleepless night she had because her chest didn't stop to clench in extreme pain.

The King had ordered someone to bring the doctor when he started to panic after they realized the crisis was taking longer than usual to stop, but the man wasn't in the palace and took the rest of the night to arrive. And until then she had to endure the aching and the short breathing, coming to the point that she thought she was really about to die.

Now that the pain subsided, her body was complaining. All the symptoms now were more of a protest for spending the entire night up than an evolution of her illness. Soon her muscles would relax, her fever would break and her eyes and head would feel better after a short nap.

The pain in her chest, however, was a whole different matter.

Soo watches the old man as attentive as she can, trying to gauge his reaction and understand what's going on his mind. She tries to count her heartbeat as well, but she only does that to keep her mind awake; her body had already told her long ago, and that night she knew what all of this meant right away.

After the doctor lets go of her arm, he remains silent, eyes cast down.

"Please, be free with your words," Soo requests, but not for herself; for the man standing behind her, supporting her against his chest. If the doctor doesn't say it clearly, he'll keep on trying to find cures and come up with more solution. That stubborn man needs to hear it out loud.

There is a moment of tense silence before he finally says his diagnose, his eyes glued to the floor and a small hesitation in his voice as he tries to come up with the right words.

"My Lady will be lucky and far graced by the Heavens if you see the next full moon."

So would have jumped to his feet and started to walk around the room, trying to come up with a way to change the situation if Soo wasn't leaning on him, but she can feel his anxiousness in the way his arms tense even more around her. Behind her, So's heart increases its pace, violently crashing against his ribs and hammering in her back. After the silence that follows, the doctor feels free to continue.

"I'll prepare some powder for you to take with your tea every morning. The treatment will help with the pain and the debility, so you'll be able to sleep at night and carry on during the day in some small activities. I'll also ask the court ladies to bring medicine for your fever right away."

Soo nods slightly, thanking him subtly and without words. She's too tired, even to form a small and a polite smile. But So struggles to accept this outcome.

"Is this really all you can do?" His voice doesn't resonate around the room when he speaks and his words come out through a contrived throat. She can't see his face, but the devastation in his voice makes tears come up to her eyes.

Despite not being an order or even a reproach from the King, the doctor bows, asking for forgiveness.

"The illness has progressed too far," he explains slowly and miserably, "And the pregnancy took most of her strength," He raises his head and looks into Soo's eyes, sadness and grief on his face, "At this rate the only thing that could save you would be a new heart."

After adjusting to Goryeo's lifestyle, Hae Soo didn't spend too much thinking about the commodities of the modern life. She was happy to live one day at a time, and to just enjoy the present of the second chance at life that she had. But ever since her first diagnosis, she couldn't stop herself from wondering if the medicine of the future could save her. A new heart, in the 21st Century would be hard, but not impossible. In Goryeo, it was only a polite manner to announce a death sentence.

Soo doesn't notice when the doctor leaves. She's too focused on So to pay attention to her surroundings.

She caresses the arms wrapped around her, afraid to hold her too tightly, and yet desperate to bring her even closer. After a few moments of silence, she gathers all of her strength to turn around and kneel before him, holding his face gently and wiping off the silent tears.

Soo wanted to smile as well, to encourage him, but the smile doesn't come. She only wraps his neck with her arms and pulls him closer to her embrace, lets him cry in silence as they hold each other, just like the day she first told him about her condition.

It seems like an eternity passed by when she finally hears him speak again.

"I'd give you my heart, if I could," his low voice comes out muffled by the fabric of her clothes, but it still manages to crack a smile from her, although it's sad and bitter.

She kisses the top of his head, rubbing and patting his back, waiting for him to calm down.

"I know you would."

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.

.

Baek Ah was a great babysitter, he knew that.

He could make his niece laugh and knew what her different ways of crying meant. He knew how to feed her, bath her, change her clothes and the right way to pamper and give attention without spoiling her too much.

(Though he would always spoil her too much, deliberately, despite Soo's constant warnings that, in the future, it would come back to bite him).

That being said, he was rather upset with his 14th brother for hiring a nursemaid - a woman clearly well-prepared, but who had no relations with the girl's parents and relatives - instead of him.

Of course, he would never say it out loud.

And, of course, he would take as many opportunities as possible to take care of Seol.

He'd leave the girl's room if Soo or So (or even both of them) were with her, enduring his desire to play with his niece to give some time alone to the parents. Otherwise, he'd just barge in and spend all his free time (which was a lot) with the little girl.

That being said, he was rather distressed when he found out that Jung had taken Seol out that day.

"Are you sure of that?" He asks the nursemaid one more time - maybe the third time? - just to make sure.

"Yes, Wangjanim," The girl replies, clearly not sure if she should be annoyed by his constant questions or scared by his pointed glare.

Baek Ah sighs in frustration, as he never expected Jung to do something so risky as removing Seol from her bedroom and taking her out in the palace, especially after Yeon Hwa had visited to spit some venom.

He starts to walk out, ready to run around the entire Cheondokjeon looking for them, but then he stops and turns around, back to the nursemaid who was already letting her shoulders relax and fall down in relief.

"Did he say when he was returning?" His question makes the woman bow once again.

"Forgive me, Wangjanim," she speaks unapologetically, but Baek Ah decides to ignore that, "Our Prince was with her the entire morning, and after I fed her, he said he was going to be with her during the afternoon as well and dismissed me."

"Where did he go to?"

"I don't know," And if she did, Baek Ah was sure she wouldn't tell him. Mostly because of his pestering questions than because of any orders or warning Jung may have given to her, "I assumed he wanted to show little Seol to someone, as he asked me to dress her in her festive clothes."

And then, after he concludes he has nothing else to draw out from the nursemaid, Baek Ah leaves the room pouting, almost grunting in distaste. If he took her out with her special clothes, then she's most likely going to visit her parents, and it's not like he can interrupt their meeting.

Going back to his room, the 13th Prince settles himself with an afternoon of boredom and solitude.

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.

It took every last bit of self-restraint for Jung not to run through the palace as he went to Soo's room. And the only reason he managed to hold his excitement back was not the protocol or the prying eyes, but the soft and delicate child in his arms.

Seol seems to enjoy her ride, however, laughing whenever he goes up the stairs in a hurried pace, making her bounce against his chest, and simply admiring the view when they stride more peacefully whenever there are people passing by. She also points to things, trying to say their names and call them out to play, and even though Jung thinks it's adorable, he really can't stop and let her talk to her new friends.

Inside his chest, his heart flies like the wings of a hummingbird.

Finally, he arrives at his destination, his breathing erratic after carrying Seol for so long and so fast - she's getting heavier as the days pass by - but he manages to look calm and composed in front of Hae Soo's room.

That's when he notices and finds strange the silence of the place. As he stands before the doors, he feels a strange aura surrounding the room, and he hesitates for a few moments before knocking.

The fact that is So who replies from the inside, telling him to come in, doesn't surprise him. What does is his brother's voice, barely loud enough to be heard from the outside.

So never sounds like that when he's with Hae Soo.

Jung opens the door reluctantly. He's afraid of going inside, but he has to. And Seol is starting to squirm and whimper in protest on his arms, so he doesn't really have a choice.

The room is dim, despite the sun still set high up in the sky, so it takes a few seconds for his eyes to fully see and understand what's on the inside.

When he finally does, his heart sinks a little bit.

Soo lays on her mattress, looking feeble and frail, the dark and deep circles under her eyes contrast sharply. Her eyes are closed, and by her breathing he knows she's asleep, but she doesn't look peaceful or at rest.

It's been a day since he last saw her, and yet she has changed so much.

"Is she…?"

 _Is she alright? Is she okay?_

His question stops midway. Hae Soo is not alright, he can see that. There's no reason for futile questions.

So is sitting beside her. His eyes are focused on the little person on Jung's arms, but he looks beaten down and wretched.

"She had a fever this morning and is resting now," he answers Jung's half question anyway, trying to break a smile for the small girl's sake, "Let me wake her up, she'll want to see you."

He holds her as if she's made out of porcelain, adoringly because she's precious, carefully because he's afraid she'll break. He shakes her shoulder lightly, careful not to hurt her and apologetic to disturb her rest.

"You have a special visitor," So whispers when her eyes flutter open slowly and then helps her to move into a sitting position.

"Hm? Wangjanim?" Soo's voice sounds weak, and yet she manages to smile and sound excited at the same time, so, no matter what, Jung has to ignore the dispirited and sickly complexion she has and smile as well, "Oh, and Seol too!"

She starts to stand up, with his brother as a support, but before she can even come to her knees Jung remembers what he came for and quickly raise his free hand to stop her.

"Wait, don't move. Stay right there." Soo stares at him, finding his behavior weird, but still stopping anyway. She watches with confusion as he kneels down and puts her daughter standing on the floor, her face turned to the parents, "Now call her."

So and Soo blink, puzzled, at the same time. He tilts his head sideways and she tries to come with a question, but she's lost for words.

"Wangjanim?"

"Go ahead," Jung nods impatiently, "Raise your arms and call her."

Still not quite sure of what he means, Soo obeys him, raising her arms forward and smiling brightly at the girl who's already showing her teeth in joy to her mother and babbling in her high pitched voice. Then, in a cheerful voice Soo calls out her daughter's name.

"Seol-ah!"

What happens next leaves them both shocked and their expressions of confusion are replaced by awe and wonder.

The little girl smiles largely to her mother, stretching her little arms forward and then, finally, she takes one step in her direction. And then another. And then another.

Seol walks out from Jung's arms, taking wobbly and yet firm steps until she has reached the woman. She shrieks in excitement, eager to play some more, and knowing very well that Soo is the best person to play games with. Meanwhile, So and Soo finally overcome the shock and start to laugh in amazement.

When she reaches Soo and falls into her embrace they turn to him at last, the most obvious question in their eyes.

"I've been helping her practice," Jung answers even though they don't say a thing, "Today she finally got the hang of it."

The truth is that he wanted Soo to see Seol's very first steps, but the girl had decided to walk for the first time late at night, and he just couldn't fetch her to witness that milestone in time. So he decided to only tell them when she finally knew how to walk properly, or at least more properly than the hesitating first steps that made her look like a newborn duck.

He wondered many times if that would be alright, but just one look at how Hae Soo's ill complexion has a little bit more of life and color puts his heart at ease.

"Look at that," she exclaims in admiration, but her eyes are still fixated in her daughter, whom she tickles and hugs tightly, trying her best to make her laugh without using any toys, "Seol-ah, can you do it again?"

So only needs one look to understand the woman's request, and he quickly takes a few steps back before crouching down and stretching his arms to the girl.

"Come," It's all he says, and Jung thinks he's lucky that Seol loves that shiny thing on the top of his head. Honestly, he sees no other thing in the man that may look attractive or fun for a baby. Especially when Seol goes up to him with the same delighted face she had when she walked towards Soo.

But then, when she finally reaches his arms, So laughs, holds her from under her arms and raises her from the ground and as high as his arms allow. All the time Soo smiles up lovingly at them and Jung makes a mental note to himself: Seol loves high places and jumping around.

So swirls a few times, making his daughter laugh out loud and fill the dark and gloomy room with some joy and comfort, and then comes back to Soo, who manages to stand up and take the girl into her arms.

"I could see you walking! Seol, I just saw you walk!" Soo laughs and cries at the same time, burying her face in the girl's tiny head, kissing her forehead and caressing her hair, "I could see you grow, even though it was just a small bit, even though you never knew I was your mother. I'm grateful, Seol-ah! I'm grateful for seeing you smile, hearing you laugh and listening to your voice. I'm so happy! I'm so happy for you!"

.

.

.

.

After going from Jung to Soo, Seol still walks a few more times back and forth between her mother and her father before she's done walking for the day. She sits down the second she's put in a standing position, and whenever they try to hold her up, she complains and lets herself fall to whoever is holding her.

Soo laughs at the girl's protest, and doesn't fight So to keep holding her when he takes her from her arms. Instead, she busies herself with an improvised game with her colorful hairpins to keep the girl happy and content.

"It turned out that my plan was excellent," Soo finally speak, smiling down to the girl who is mesmerized with the intricate shape of the shining thing in her hand, "And Jung-nim had a great idea."

So's soft gaze doesn't change, but his lips purse in distaste when she brings up The Plan, clearly bothered by memories who were better left untouched in the back of his mind.

"Your plan was far too extreme," he complains, but doesn't rises the tone of his voice, "And I could have come up with Jung's arrangement myself."

She knows he's still bitter, and she doesn't blame him. But she can't help but tease him, a grin spreading on her face as she looked up to him.

"And why didn't the greatest planner come up with this solution earlier?" Soo asks with a mocking voice of awe and wonder, bowing slightly and trying her best to not burst out laughing.

"We were all afraid before," So replies earnestly, not minding Soo's attempt to play around and laugh at his costs, and ignoring her smirk as he continues, "Also, there was that plot to assassinate you."

She stops smiling when he reminds her of that, and gives up on messing with him. Instead, she begins to worry again.

"I shouldn't have told you," she winces when she remembers the impulse that came over her to tell him about that, "Now you have one less minister."

"He's been replaced already," he shrugs, completely focused on preventing Seol from putting the pins in her mouth, "And because Jung was restored to his titles and positions, the Yoo clan and their allies won't dare to start another uprising. Meanwhile, the Kang's choices right now are to support me or to go into war with the Yoo again, and because of the new arrangement of the income of finances, they can't afford it. With the Hwangbo alliance, I'm untouchable," he says it all at once, but then he smiles again when the girl stands up to put the pins on his hair, "Although I still can't do much changes, I can start to do small things. You're completely safe."

" _We're_ completely safe."

So looks up to her at last when she makes her correction, taken aback and puzzled, "What?"

She laughs at his expression and at the mess Seol is making with his topknot, so she decides to join her and add a few more flower and butterfly pins to his hair ornament.

"It's not only me who needs to be safe," she says absent-minded when Seol investigates the remaining hairpins she took into her hands, "You have to be safe too."

 _Both of you._

 _I can die with no regrets as long as both of you are happy and safe._

 _I can't afford to lose more people in here. At least you two, you must promise me that you'll both be happy._

Soo always tried her best not to think about the future like this - about her dying and them continuing to live without her -, but after her last crisis and her last visit to the doctor this worry has been growing more and more in her mind.

He seems to notice this, as he smiles reassuringly at her, even though there is a certain sadness in his eyes.

"We're completely safe," he takes a pin from his own hair and puts it on hers, making a simple hairdo with it, to which Seol beams with joy, "We are safe and you don't have to worry about us anymore."

.

.

.

.

"You really shouldn't be out here," So's admonishment brings her out of her deep thoughts and back to reality. She was so absorbed by her contemplations that she didn't even realize when he approached her, and he had to speak up to catch her attention. When she finally looks up to So she meets his reproving gaze, and yet she can't help but smile, despite him being right, as she really shouldn't be outside.

She had to drag herself from her bed and for Min Ji's help to get dressed. The steps she usually took with ease had become heavy and strenuous, and the once pleasant road to her praying stones seemed to be even more distant and rough. It took all of her strength to reach that place, and she was out of breath when she finally did, so she decided to spend a while longer in there to make the journey worth it.

So must have panicked when he came back to her room and found her missing, so her smile is a way to reassure his anxious heart, and nods to her stones when she replies to his unspoken question.

"I had a few things to be thankful for."

"Thankful for what?" He sounds incredulous, but that's to be expected. However, she continues to smile, feeling more relieved than she even did in years.

"For Seol to be growing healthy; for you to be close to Baek Ah-nim and Jung-nim despite all that happened," Tears come up to her eyes, but they're not from sadness or despair, "For me getting to know our daughter and knowing she'll have you in her life."

He still looks serious, but his eyes are less stern than before and his voice sounds more lenient when he speaks, "Is that all?"

Soo's smile grows larger as she walks up to him and takes his hands in hers. Her eyes are still flooded with tears, but she doesn't mind them. She lets her vision be completely occupied by the man before her, until he's the only thing she can see.

"I'm also thankful for getting to know you, for being your friend and then for falling in love with you," For a second she's back to their first encounters, with him treating her like a piece of luggage, and her nagging him about his behavior and his attitude. Then she amazes at how different things are between them now, "For you to have loved me."

If she had to endure everything once again - the betrayal and the unfair debts from Seoul, the heartbreaks and the misery from Songak, the burden of traveling a thousand years in the past and knowing too much, seeing too much, interfering too much - to be reunited with him, she would do it. No matter what, she'd never regret the decision of standing by his side, even if that was what eventually killed her.

So doesn't react for a few moments, but suddenly he pulls her to his chest and embraces her by her waist, bringing her even closer. He presses his cheek to the side of her forehead and inhales deeply before he speaks.

"I'm thankful too. I'm thankful that you came to my world and saved me," he whispers gently, softly, wistfully.

* * *

 **A\N: Sorry? You're welcome?**

 **...**

 **interstellarpirate: _Thanks a lot! I'm glad you're enjoying it so far!_**

 **Myrka: _Yes, it's sad and relieving at the same time. And I can't decide in which language to reply to you, but I can't write in Spanish without a dictionary. Thanks for your review!_**


	20. i pile dirt onto your corpse

"We're breaking tradition," Soo apologizes, although there's nothing she could do about it, "Sorry about that."

"Traditions are created to be broken," the 13th Prince shrugs in reply, raising his small cup of tea, "That's how they are born in the first place."

She looks down to her own cup, feeling a little bit miserable that she couldn't recreate their first bonding moment properly. And also a bit sad as she actually misses drinking alcohol.

"Is that what we're doing now? Creating a new tradition?" Her sober self can't help but being sarcastic, but the 13th Prince doesn't seem to mind.

"We could be," he answers sincerely, gulping his tea and then pouring more into their cups, "We can do anything we want, so let's enjoy ourselves."

His smile makes her smile back. 'Do anything you want' was her first advice to him, and, although it wasn't very wise, it brings warm memories back to her. It brings back the innocent Hae Soo, and how happy she was for finally getting a new friend in Goryeo. It brings back the bright Wang Baek Ah, and how he was inspired to fight for his own freedom because of her words. And they are more than enough to make her forget her disappointment by the loss of the most vital piece

"Then it's settled. We have a new tradition," Soo's smile grows larger and she raises her own cup, touching it with Baek Ah's. But after trying to gulp it at once, she complains once again, "Though I still think it would be better to drink alcohol right now."

"Are you in pain?" He seems to misunderstand her words, taking her fallen down expression and her dropped down shoulders as a sign of another crisis coming over her. His eyes begin to tint with worry, so she's quick to dismiss it with a shake of her hand.

"Not at all, I just feel too peaceful," she sighs, remembering the old Hae Soo once again and how she used to jump into action quickly, run around like a child and move frenetically around the places, eager to learn more, to know more, to help more. She likes being peaceful, but when she looks to the quiet trees around them, she can't hold back the feeling of nostalgia, "I'd like to be loud and cheerful once again."

She would like to laugh out loud, heartily and fearless once again. She would like to wear her old colorful clothes and have her hair falling loose around her shoulders. She would like to love freely, to show her affections

"I could sneak out some for you," he whispers, although there is absolutely no one around them, raising an eyebrow mischievously.

Soo muses about his proposal for a few seconds, weighing the pros and cons of this smuggling, but then sighing in defeat. No matter how much she craves a sip of alcohol, she's fully aware of her condition.

"Pyeha wouldn't be satisfied with neither of us if you did that, despite his leniency for my whims," she refuses his plan, disheartened, already imagining So reprimanding look. And besides, if she skips her medicinal tea, there will be problems later in the day. And they aren't in the slightest related to So's disapproval.

"I think that, after everything you've been through, we all tend to let you do whatever you want," Baek Ah argues, apparently still eager to drink a few bottles of alcohol as well, despite saying earlier that he didn't mind having only tea.

"I'm not the only one who suffered, though." She thinks about the deceased once again. It has become a habit lately, her mind always going to them whenever she feels too miserable or too beaten down.

"But the truth is that no one should suffer at all," Baek Ah argues and she can't retort. Even though she knows that suffering follows everyone, not only those who live in Goryeo.

Life itself carries the sufferings. Big and small, long and short. And when life is over, so are the sufferings.

No one should suffer at all, but that truth is that everyone wants to live.

Everyone wants a bit of happiness to hold on while they suffer.

"Then, can you indulge me one more time?"

The 13th puts down his cup and prepared to stand up, his eyes already glinting with mischief, "How many bottles do you want?"

"It's nothing to do with that," she laughs at his reaction, his disheartened face when she crushes his dreams, but then gets serious, making him pay careful attention to her request, "I know you don't want to stay in the palace anymore. I know it hurts you, and I know you're only here because of me. But even after I'm gone, I want you to never go too far or for too long."

Soo had been mulling over whether to ask for that or not for a long time already. Back when she thought she and So would be forever separated from their daughter it was a vital part of her plan as a way to make a bridge between Jung and So after she was gone. Now, it was a true and deep desire on her heart, that at least part of this family sticks together.

"I would do that without you asking for it. Really," he replies and then reassures her when he notices her guilty expression, "Jung-ah and So-hyungnim are both actually helpless when it comes to babies. Especially girls. I'll keep an eye on both of them."

They both know it's not only because of Seol. And at the same time is mostly because of Seol. Baek Ah couldn't be too far from Seol, at least not for long. And she knows that So and Jung will be taking full advantage of that.

She also knows that, even if she wasn't about to die from an incurable disease, he would be coming back to the palace all the time

"Thank you, Wang Baek Ah-nim. For being a friend. For helping through all of it, despite my insane plans. I'm sorry, that my gratitude is all I that I can give to you in return."

"You could give me nothing, I would still have done it all," Baek Ah smiles and raises his cup for another toast, "We're both lucky to have met each other early on the road. Thank you for being my friend as well, Hae Soo."

.

.

.

.

"Was that the last one?" Hae Soo asks when Yoo Bin puts the new scrolls in a small wooden box, washing her brushes and putting them away to dry.

"Yes, my lady," the senior court lady confirms as she serves a cup of tea for Soo, a new task she took upon herself after the King began to feel anxious, "All the other recipes have been safely kept in the storage. These two were the only ones missing."

Soo nods, reassured, but doesn't drink her tea immediately, preferring to ask a few more questions for the older woman.

"How are the girls?"

"We're not receiving any new apprentices for the time-being," Yoo Bin updates her promptly, "All of our new girls have concluded their training last month, and you've seen their performance in the tea making and also on their production of soaps already."

The brush in Soo's hand is finally dry, and her ink tray is dry by the time she finishes her drink. On the outside the Sun shines brightly, the weather still nice and pleasant, but she can't feel its warmth. She feels all cold and bleak, and her hands move restlessly on the top of the table, as if they're still looking for more work to complete, more tasks to finish.

Soo sighs, trying to ease down her restlessness by counting the number of leaves in the closest flower arrangement, but her mind is still resisting to drift away.

"It feels weird to not have anything else to do," she muses out loud, catching the court lady's attention.

"You should just take some time out, my lady," the woman admonishes and recommends at the same time, "The Damiwon sure is important, but so is your health."

Soo's eyes still focus on the green leaves, a tear coming up, but not falling - never falling -, when she replies.

"I don't need to take some time out," she says it softly, as if she's talking to the small plant, afraid to disturb its peace and stillness, "I'll be resting soon enough."

Her words seem to disturb the court lady, who moves a bit closer and looks at her with a tactful show of concern.

"My lady?" Yoo Bin's voice makes Soo's eyes move from the flower arrangement and back to the woman.

Soo smiles softly, thinking about the first time she struggled to make a decent floral decoration, back when she was a newcomer at the Damiwon. Then, as usual, her mind summons the deceased - more specifically, the days she spent with people that were now all gone.

"Before her death Oh Sanggung told me she had no regrets, as she had protected what she wanted to protect," Soo explains carefully, although her hands are still unrest, "I guess I could say the same about me."

There is a moment of silence in the room. The singing of the birds is cheerful, but it doesn't quite reach Soo's ears. The breeze is refreshing, but it doesn't seem to touch her.

"Not everything about Oh Sanggung applies to you, though." Yoo Bin finally speaks, her professional face not flinching even once.

Her words have multiple meanings, as Oh Soo Yeon and Hae Soo had indeed quite different lives. She knew that all the time, despite the late head court lady once saying that Soo reminded of her younger self. They were different, and that's why Soo wasn't afraid of following her master's steps when she decided to stay in the palace with So when he became king. But lately, she can only see the similarities between them.

With a slow movement of her hand Soo dismisses the woman's sort of compliment, a modest smile replacing the polite one.

"Anyway, neither of us had stars of a queen," she says with a scoff, "So we'll be forgotten and erased from the memory of the world."

"The memory of the world doesn't matter for those living in the present," Yoo Bin replies quickly, bowing and then pouring a new cup of tea for Hae Soo, and finally smiling bitterly when she gives it into her hands, "Thank you for your hard work, my lady."

.

.

.

.

"Are you sure you can be outside?" Jung asks, worried, already fussing over her. It reminds her of a lifetime ago, when he was the one running around recklessly and she would be the one reprimanding his behavior.

Soo smiles, the welcomed feeling of nostalgia had come to her that morning and it doesn't seem like it will disappear any sooner.

"Does it matter?" she asks sheepishly, just because she knows it will aggravate him even more.

"Soo-yah…"

"We're almost there," she speaks in her most calming voice in order to reassure him, but that doesn't seem to work - probably because she has to lean on his arm in order to keep walking, her strength already leaving her legs, "You don't have to freak out."

"You're awfully weak and pale today," he tries to argue with her, panic starting to show in his voice, "Maybe you shouldn't..."

"Wangjanim..."

"Your hands are cold."

"Wangjanim…"

"And you can barely walk."

"Wangjanim," Soo silences him at last, grasping his shoulder firmly with her free hand, her wit not dimmed in the slightest, "I'm going whether you help me walk or not."

"Soo-yah…"

He sounds even more worried after her ultimatum so she feels a bit guilty. Then she resorts to teasing him in an attempt to lift the mood a little bit.

"You're not going to start crying now, are you?" Soo nudges at his side, and although it is a faint touch he sways a bit, making her giggle a little, "Didn't you say you wanted to become a man who could support me?"

The reminder makes him perk up his chest and deepen his voice when he speaks proudly, "I'm not going to cry," what, honestly, only makes her laugh even more.

"Good,' she exclaims happily, "I don't want you to."

The rest of the walk is quieter, as the 14th Prince stops bothering her with annoying remarks of her body's well-being - or lack, thereof - and Soo feels too out of breath to keep teasing him or reminiscing about the past. However, their pace is still quite slow, and at some point on the path she has to use both of her arms to support on him, and her feet start to drag even more.

She sits down on the ground when they arrive - her knees are aching, they couldn't possibly support her weight despite her being thinner than ever - and her skirts spread around her.

Soo doesn't mind if they get dirty.

"Why do you even come here at a time like this?" Jung worried fussing is back, and he's already scolding her and trying to help her to get up, to go back the way they came even if he has to carry her.

Soo doesn't blame him. She's sure she would do the same had it been him in her place. So, despite finding the nagging a bit overbearing, she doesn't tease him this time, opting to only accept his help to stand up and then firmly refusing to return to the palace before she does what she came to do.

Of course she knows she's being reckless. The past few days she had been cautious and hadn't dared to even step outside her small room in the palace. She would spend most of her time sleeping and losing the notion of time, only rising from her bed to share a meal with So or to play a while with Seol, at times even greet Baek Ah and Jung, drinking from more and more teas and medicines to attempt to subdue the pain for a little while, just so she could sleep a little more.

But it doesn't matter the pain. She feels completely at peace when she gazes at her praying stones.

"I don't know what will happen after I die," she speaks up to the 14th Prince, who hovers beside her with wary eyes, after she finishes her prayers, "But I hope that my remaining friends may find happiness somehow, and smile when they think of me."

Jung blinks and then realizes she's finally answering the question he had made when she went down from exhaustion after arriving by her stones. But then he squints his eyes in distaste.

"That's not how it works," he retorts, and she knows he's about to cry once again.

"If we part with a smile, Jung-nim," Soo speaks louder and with a higher pitch, and for a moment she feels the cheerful girl who saved him from thugs in the woods, "Then you have to smile every time you talk about me. I won't accept anything else."

Her expectant gaze finally makes him crack, and he nods, still a bit reluctant, "Fine. I'll smile every time I think of you."

The Soo from the past would have hoped in excitement. But the current Soo can only smile, pat his shoulder in gratitude, and hold his hand to make another request to him.

"Here, I want Seol to have this." Soo takes the pin from her hair, the one with the white peony and the butterflies, and places it gently in his hand, "Don't keep it with the box, give it to her as soon as possible. It was a gift from Pyeha."

 _He gave it to me when he confessed his feelings._

 _I only put it on it when I was ready to accept them._

 _It was my wish to also wear it in our wedding._

Jung doesn't know all the story of that hairpin, nor does he know just how much she truly values it. However, he knows it is something important and dear to her, so he closes his hand around it firmly and gently, almost reverently.

He takes a deep breath and she can see a conviction forming on his head before he finally speaks.

"I'll tell Seol all about you one day," he declares, without asking for permission or approval, "You can't make me promise otherwise," Jung stops her from speaking, and his eyes show he's adamant on this, and not even Hae Soo's stubbornness will convince him otherwise.

"What if I make you promise to make her happy?"

"You don't have to. I'll do it, no matter what," he shrugs, a bit relieved that she didn't try to change his mind, his face lighting up at the mention of the little girl, "Besides, Pyeha would kill me if I didn't."

His mention of So reminds her of something else and she speaks quickly, allowing herself to be his stern older sister once again.

"Also, don't cause trouble to your brother."

Jung scoffs at her scolding, "As long as he doesn't start."

He pouts and crosses his arms, but she knows he's not as bitter as he used to be.

Lately So and Jung's relationship has become more friendly, although not tender and more affectionate. But still, it's not like any of them had ever been skilled at cultivating and maintaining amicable relationships, so she won't complain about the current bond between the two brothers.

"You could have come with me back then. When he became king," he still remembers the day he offered her a way out of the palace so they could both be free and travel around the world, "Then, maybe, you wouldn't be as ill as you are now."

"But then I wouldn't be living either," she smiles gently, grateful that he has always been thinking about her well-being, but unable to think about a life that she would leave So behind, "You'll understand it one day."

"I already do. Sorry, I won't cry," he reassures her quietly when she notices there are tears coming up to his eyes once again, "Soo-yah, thank you. For the joys and for the pains. Thank you for saving me back then."

"Thank you for your constant helping, Jung-nim," she speaks softly, wishing that he could have a good life someday, "And thank you for your pure heart."

.

.

.

.

"Where's Jung?"

"Lurking somewhere, keeping watch," Soo answers So's question without looking away from Seol, who's currently busy trying to figure out the function of a jade ring, "He thought we could enjoy some time alone."

"He has a great strategic mind, doesn't he? Remind me to reward him later," He doesn't ask her what she's doing there, how did she get there and fussing about her being in bed. On the contrary, he only talks about casual stuff, keeping their conversation light and as mundane as possible.

He sits beside her on the floor, and accepts the ring that Seol rejects by offering up to him.

They both laugh at the girl's antics, and gaze adoringly when she stands up, walking to her box of toys - even though it's only three steps away - and coming back with a new and more interesting plaything.

"Ooyah!" Seol exclaims, trying to call Soo the same way Jung and So call her, as she invites her to play with her wooden horses.

She doesn't have to say it twice.

So joys the play, taking another wooden animal from Seol's box - maybe a cow? Soo isn't sure - and the girl's laugh only seem to get louder. She hasn't learned how to call him yet (maybe Pyeha is too difficult for her to pronounce), but Seol likes him nonetheless.

However, Soo starts to feel a bit tired and lays down on her side, trying to rest for a bit and keep her daughter entertained. Had it been any other place and any other time, So wouldn't mind her actions, but her movements make his eyes move to her immediately.

That's when she notices he's been avoiding to look her in the eyes.

That's when she realizes he's afraid.

She smiles to reassure him and he breathes out in relief. Yes, she's tired, but that's normal after expending so much time with a child. A child that, thankfully, is starting to show signs of sleepiness.

A while later Seol is finally laying on her bed, her little eyes closed as she sleeps quietly. And yet, her parents show no intention of leaving the room any sooner. They sit by her side, eager to touch her, but afraid to wake her up. For a few moments after the girl drifts away there is silence, but So soon breaks it, whispering next to her ear.

"It's almost like we're back to Baek Ah's shabby house."

Soo smiles at his comparison, but chides at his criticism, "It wasn't that bad."

"It was tiny and old," he argues and she can't deny that.

"Weren't you the one used to living in bad conditions?"

"Yes, that's why I can recognize a shabby place when I see one. Not a place I would want you to stay while expecting a child."

She sighs and he beams for having the last word, although it is a silly discussion. And pointless, when even Soo admits the conditions of the shack weren't ideal for her situation.

But even with all the adversities and hindrances of the place, she has nothing but good memories from it.

"I wouldn't mind living in a shabby place if it meant I could live with you," she whispers softly, her eyes still focused on Seol, but her fingers interlaced with his, "Both of you."

"Neither would I," he sounds as wistful as her when they talk about the possibilities of a different world and a different life, "But still, I would probably make a few repairs. Make it warmer and cozier. I would make it feel like a home."

"A home for the three of us?"

"The best home. Like that one from your dream," So sighs as he reminisces the dream she had a long time ago now, "Peaceful and quiet, unlike this place. Comfortable and steady, unlike Baek Ah's."

"You really didn't like it…"

"The truth is, I would want our home to shine beautifully, just like the both of you."

"And I'm sure you already know that we would only ever want you to be there all the time."

She feels his hand tightening around hers, and that's all the confirmation she needs.

Outside, the moon is waning.

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.

She couldn't walk anymore.

Sure, her legs did work, and she felt them very well - not that she was any glad for that, as her knees decided to be a particular bother on that day - but she had no strength left to even stand up.

Her mind is spinning, she's losing the hold in life itself, but she's mainly upset because she can't walk.

She had to walk slowly from her bedroom to the Damiwon. She had to lean on the 14th Prince to go to her praying stones. She had to be carried back to the palace and to Seol's room.

This time, however, So doesn't scold her for being out so much when her body is clearly being strained. When it's time for her medicine, he pours out her tea himself. When she feels cold, he goes to fetch some blankets. When she whispers that she wishes she could see the stars, he wraps her in a few more covers and carries her outside.

At first, she thinks he's only moving her to an open and isolated space somewhere in the palace. After he walks past the buildings she starts to believe he's taking her to the garden. But then he goes closer to the lake Dongji, and carefully puts her down on his boat.

She doesn't make question. She doesn't say anything at all. She only watches him as he rows the boat farther from the shore, his face in the rigid and cold mask he uses to wear whenever he has to hide his emotions.

It's difficult to keep her head up, and she can't barely see him in the darkness, but she keeps her focus on him. Her mind, always rewinding the past, can't help but wonder about the way things they were between them years ago, how things are now, and how she wishes things would be.

In all of these scenarios, however, she can't deny he's someone important to her.

 _Did I travel back in time only to get to meet you, after all?_

 _Only to get to be loved by you?_

 _Only to love you?_

These are the kind of questions that made her lose her sleep at night, but now she wants to be selfish. She wants to be self-centered and say that yes. All of this, all that happened to Go Hajin, all that happened to Hae Soo, all the twists and turns in their lives and all the events in the universe were conspiring so that they could meet and fall in love.

That's all that their story is about.

After a while So stops rowing and moves closer to her slowly, careful not to rock the boat. He helps her to get off her seat and lay down on the wooden hull, holding her gently and finally readjusting the blankets around her to protect her from the night wind. Then he lays down as well beside her.

Above them, the stars shine.

The dark sky seems to have even more stars on that night. And for a couple of seconds she feels like she's flying above the earth, above all the worries and hardships she has ever faced. She's flying towards the stars and for a moment she feels peaceful and calm, her body lighter than when she drowned, her mind more at rest than she ever thought to be possible.

After the moment is gone, she is back to So's boat in the middle of the lake. She's back to his side and her eyes have finally adapted properly to the dark as she starts to discern the contours of his face.

She smiles softly and takes out one hand from the cocoon he built around her to hold his, the one laying softly above her thorax.

"Do you remember that song? The one I sang in the 10th Prince's birthday?" she speaks softly, as if to not disturb the night and the stars, "They say it was what made you fall in love with me."

His eyebrows furrow at that new piece of information and he sounds suspicious when he retorts her question with another question, "Who told you such nonsense?"

"So it's not true?"

"Well, in part it is true," So quickly changes his tone and sighs after her dejected and disappointed reaction, "But how did people get to that conclusion?"

His frustrated questioning only makes her smirk and tease him even more.

"Maybe because my singing voice is so amazing that people were convinced that you could love me just for it."

"It _was_ a nice song, though," he smiles back at her, unable to deny or argue against that, "I'm pretty sure that many others fell for you as well."

The small note of jealousy does not pass unnoticed by her, and she's sure he's already thinking about people that he definitely shouldn't be thinking about, so she shakes his hand slightly, anchoring him to the present.

"I would gladly repeat the performance for your ears alone," her voice comes out raspy and just after a short conversation she's already out of breath, "But I'm sorry, I can't sing now."

"It's okay," he hushes her unsettledness with a kiss to the forehead and that's when she notices she has tears in her eyes, "I remember it. I remember every single word."

"Just don't forget me…"

"Like I would ever do that," he reassures her, and the determination in his voice sets her worries away, makes her uneasiness disappear.

And still, she can't help but voice her concerns about him, although a bit hesitant, "If you… If you could find someone after I'm gone."

"Not a possibility, Soo-yah."

"But Pyeha…"

"How could someone ever replace you?"

"I just don't want you to be alone and cold."

"I'm not alone, remember? I'll have Seol. And my brothers."

"But what about your heart?"

"The memory of you will keep it warm and alive," his warm voice and sweet words are all that takes to tranquilize her heart, and he smiles as he does so, patting her belly softly and caressing her head with his other hand, "Now hush. Save your strength for happier matters."

Soo smiles and looks back to the stars. Before she would point out a few constellations and comment about others that she couldn't see due to the clouds, but now she feels glad in only watching them in silence and in once again feeling that sensation of being closer to the sky. This time, however, she also focuses on the man beside her, and she imagines that they are flying away together.

"If anything, even though it lasted so short, I'm glad I could find you," Soo breaks the silence and then turns her head to see he's already looking at her. This time she can't hold back her tears, "I'm grateful we could love each other."

"Me too, Hae Soo," So nods slowly, using his thumb to wipe her face dry, "Me too."

"Wang So-nim, thank you for everything," She smiles and cries at the same time, happy and heartbroken at the same time, "I don't know what will happen to me, but whatever it is, I only hope I can see you again."

"Maybe we'll meet again in a world above the water," he replies calmly, and it's so different from the scene she had in her mind for this moment that her tears seem to hesitate for a few seconds.

"Really? And how would you do that?"

"Leave that to me," he speaks with so much certainty that she can only believe in what he says, "That is, if you don't forget me in your next life."

"I won't forget you. I won't ever forget you," she promises, the tears finally gone and her face illuminated by this compromise between them as her hands start to lose the grasp around his, "I'll be waiting for you every day."

 _I'll be waiting, no matter where I go to._

 _No matter what comes to me afterwards, I'll always be waiting for you._

She can't say all of it, though. Her breathing becomes shallow and she can only inhale just enough to keep her lungs working. Her hands are already growing numb, and she can barely feel his hand by her fingertips. Her mind focuses on retaining his face, his voice and his touch.

Then her vision begins to fade.

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Yoo Bin is sitting quietly on the stairs of the main bath at the Damiwon when the King arrives, carrying Hae Soo on his arms.

One would think she was sleeping, but the court lady doesn't have to touch her to know that she is cold, rigid, and that any form of life has long ceased in her body.

She no longer has a breath.

She no longer has a heartbeat.

As the King approaches his face is rigid, void of any form of emotion or expression, and if it wasn't for the previous times she saw them together, she would think him to be completely indifferent to the previous Sanggung.

One silent look and she follows his indirect command, going to the room Hae Soo lived in before, and quietly opening the doors. She bows when the Kings passes by her, and she doesn't look up when she hears him move around the place, placing her on the bed and folding the blankets she was wrapped with. She doesn't leave her position when he walks out and closes the door, her eyes set down on the space between her feet.

"Hae Soo told you could be trusted to do this," the King addresses her in a low voice, and she bows more to show she's fully aware of the importance of the task, "Do not spread the word in the Damiwon. I'll take care all the funeral rites, so prepare her. If you need to, you may ask someone's help. Just don't interrupt the customary activities."

"I understand, Pyeha." Yoo Bin's voice is as firm and steady as the day Oh Soo Yeon passed away and she wonders just how many more Sanggung the Damiwon is doomed to lose.

 _How many more innocent girls will lose everything in the palace?_

 _How many more will I see to die?_

After her words the King begins to leave. Walking gracefully and regal, although the court isn't watching him right now. His shoulders rigid in an intimidating pose, although his enemies aren't crowded around the place. His head is kept high, although he lost his reason to live.

One could easily think, just by watching the scene, that Kings have no tears at all, and that their hearts are armored with iron and stone without a single drop of blood.

One could just as easily find out that, in reality, they break down and crash down harder and louder than anyone else.

Yoo Bin didn't have to know the King as well as Hae Soo did to know that, despite the cold and calm character he played right now, he's about to collapse.

He's about to have a meltdown and she's not sure when - if ever - he'll be himself again.

She's not sure if anything will ever be what it was again.

When the morning comes the palace and the Damiwon will be filled with the noise of life, as people ignorantly move on without knowing what had happened that night. When the news finally spread, the Cheondokjeon and the rooms of the court ladies will be filled with the noise of grief. But by then, Hae Soo's body will only be a layer of ashes upon this ephemeral world.

The silence had swallowed her.

The silence would reign forever.


	21. an endless rain fills my heart forever

"This is not fair, Pyeha."

"Are you sure you want to start a discussion about what's fair and what's not, Hwanghu?" So speaks in a lower tone, compared to the one his wife has been using ever since she barged into the throne room to complain about yet another thing she was unsatisfied with, but it still carries enough intimidation and menace to make her pause and take a deep breath before continuing.

"You didn't even give Ju-yah a chance to prove himself."

Oh yeah, she was talking about her son, So remembers. Lately he managed to develop the ability to ignore everything she says in order to focus in more important and more urgent things, but since she summarized her speech and looks at him with expectant eyes, he has no choice but to acknowledge her.

"I've let you in charge of everything, and yet the boy doesn't show any progress," he reminds the woman, unmoved by her teary eyes, "If this isn't enough indication, I don't know what it is."

"He is an ill child; you can't expect him to be at the same level…"

" _He_ is the next _king_ ," So finally lets his voice rise as he cuts Yeon Hwa crying argument, but then he resumes his usual aloof tone as he continues to read his scroll, "He has to be above average if you want him to rise to the throne. Wasn't that your wish? Why are you protesting now?"

"You don't think him as your son at all, do you?"

"If I didn't think of him as my son would I name him my heir and find good wives for him?"

"What about his sisters?"

"They're living well, aren't they?"

"You become more and more like the late king Taejo as the days pass by."

Her comparison makes him halt and shot his eyes to hers. Yeon Hwa squirms a bit under his pointed stare and she has the tact to look away and down to the floor, but So still is unsatisfied.

He is tired of her tormenting him every single day, tired of her machinations, tired of her foul plays and her grand spectacles as she tries to guilt trap him, calling him out in the public view and victimizing her son. Tired of her teary speeches, her teary eyes and her pleading voice when he knows it's all an act, all a plot to get what she always wanted.

He is tired of her making him play the part of the villain, making him act more like a tyrant and a bloody king, turning him into the man that despised his own children and wouldn't hesitate to kill them.

Meanwhile, Daemok will be the victim in all of this. She'll be a poor woman who was married to a monster and struggled to raise her son into a wise and good man, who wouldn't be as cold and vindictive as the King before him.

So isn't sure how this will help her after he is dead, but that's the plan she's been following ever since he emancipated the slaves and took away the power that the clans had over him.

The truth is that he doesn't care how the world sees him now or a thousand years in the future. The ones who really matter know who he truly is and know how perfectly crafted Yeon Hwa's mask is. The others are the others, and he owes nothing to them.

Ever since he buried his gift to his mother, So has decided not to seek approval of people that only seek to satisfy their individual needs.

A bit of silence, on the other hand, would be much appreciated. And since Yeon Hwa has already achieved at least one of her goals, he has no reason to let her stay in his throne room any longer.

"If I'm really just like father," So acknowledges her accusation and she flinches a bit, "Then you know I won't take it easily the next time someone like you barges in demanding fairness from me," he makes sure his threat isn't subtle this time, and that he's not even one bit convinced by her poor acting skills, "Go back, Hwanghu. Think well about your next move, and come at me with better machinations. How long will it take for you to replace me, I wonder?"

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"Does the pain ever leave, Baek Ah?" So can't help but wonder out loud after a long and tiresome day as they walk down empty and cold hallways.

Beside him his brother seems to be bothered by his question. He remains in silence for a few moments and So can see that he's trying to figure out the answer as well.

Baek Ah's eyes go out of focus for a while, and he knows that he's trapped in some deep and long past memory, then he blinks and looks down to the floor, musing about his feelings and his state of mind, until he can come to a final conclusion.

"Sometimes you feel like it did," he finally answers, looking back at So with a regretful look, "But then you realize that no, it hasn't. You just grew stronger to bear it better."

So had cried that morning. He had woken up from a nice and comfortable dream and couldn't hold back the tears when he opened his eyes and found her gone with the rising sun. It had been years ever since he last felt her warmth, and yet his chest ached as if it had an open wound.

In no way was he growing stronger, and he knows he never will.

"Then I guess I'll be like this forever…"

"Hae Soo wouldn't want you to remain the rest of your days alone," his brother suggests, despite his hesitation, pausing between words, speaking slowly as he offers another solution, "You could, maybe, find someone else."

So doesn't reply to that, as he knows that Baek Ah knows very well that that is not a possibility for him.

In fact, maybe there shouldn't be a possibility for recovery to him.

"Soo told me once that the loneliness is the price a person pays to sit on the throne," he explains his situation to Baek Ah as he once again has his mind clouded by things she said or did before leaving him, "The price I paid for having a daughter was to lose the one who should have been my wife. The price I'll pay for changing the nation will be to never be loved again."

There is one more moment of silence when he finishes his short speech, and despite knowing that it's because of what he just said, he can't bring himself to take his words back. And when the affected silence is followed by an awkward silence, he knows that it's because Baek Ah has found no way to refute his line of reasoning.

"Still," his brother mutters after a while, a bit awkward, "We don't want you to suffer."

"And I don't want you to become a wanderer for the rest of your days, so promise me something."

"What is it?" His sudden request seems to scare Baek Ah as he flinches in defense, getting ready to escape and run away, and So can't help but smile at his reaction.

"Nothing you haven't been doing already," he tranquilizes the younger man, who even after years traveling around the country still wants to explore some more, "The Seja has a weak health. He may not live long in a place like this if the nobles decide to take over. The alliance with the Hwangbo does not guarantee anything. Should the boy fall from his position, Jung-ah and my child would be in danger."

So doesn't have to specify that that's when he's gone and his son finally rises to the throne.

"Why are you worrying about this now?" Baek Ah asks in chastising voice, and he knows it's because he broached the topic again, "You still have plenty of time ahead of you."

He doesn't know that. No one knows that.

Losing so many people so early on his life made So realize that one never knows how much longer they really have. The future is always something uncertain, no matter how many plans you make for it. That's why, instead of planning on how to act better as a King, he needs to make sure that the ones he cares about will be safe and protected.

Maybe his request is something similar to what Hae Soo asked him before she passed away as well.

Maybe that's why Baek Ah is looking at him with such an apprehensive face.

And because his worries shouldn't his brother's worries as well, So feels to need to reassure him, put a hand on his shoulder and pat playfully, as if his own death isn't a frequent thought in his mind.

"Just so I can remind you about it every time I see you," he smiles, teasing him so he can relax and not spend the rest of the day worrying about things that aren't even a problem yet, "You don't need to get involved. Just watch over things. I'll feel better when I pass."

"You're not going anywhere anytime soon," Baek Ah points out firmly, although he is smiling as well, "But I promise you that."

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"Do you have any reports?" So asks Jung before he can he even bow to greet him, already doing a poor job to conceal his restlessness, and his brother smirks in comprehension.

"From the borders? Not even one," he replies slowly and with plenty of leisure, clearly trying to provoke So even more, "What brought me here today were actually family matters."

And because two can play this game, So continues to conversation with as much patience and calm as him, "Is your wife still anxious about you becoming in-laws with the King?"

Jung smug expression fades when he touches on a sensitive topic for him and his wife. Apparently the marriage of So's son to his daughter started a rift between them, as the woman didn't think it would be safe for Seol, and caused a few arguments here and there. But when he went ahead with it anyway, despite her dissatisfaction, a fight without precedents broke, taking a long time for the couple to stop fighting and living as if they were at war.

Jung hates to fight with his wife.

"Wrong," he replies with clenched teeth.

"You really should stop spoiling her like this," So reprimands him, and he doesn't have to say that he's talking about Seol this time, "Will you move the entire guard and servants of the palace every time she says she wants to come?"

"Well, she'll come whether I do all of this or not."

"It draws attention."

"Only if she arrives alone," he exclaims, tired of this repetitive argument every time he brings Seol drops by, "You really should stop worrying every time she visits. You look even scarier when you're in that anxious and overprotective mode."

"Any word from the Yoo leaders?"

Yes, one could argue that he was evading the topic by changing it for something completely unrelated. But the truth is that every time he thinks about Seol being out there alone, he thinks about any possible schemes the clans might be harboring and if she's going to be caught in the crossfire.

Just like her mother.

No one besides the ones directly involved knows that she's his and Soo's daughter - well, except maybe for Jimong, but one can never be sure about the astronomer - so he doesn't fear for her life directly. His only concern is that, if he falls, Jung's position would be put in danger or he would be forced to take the throne from the Hwangbo, and thus, endangering Seol as well

His worries, however, are not shared by his 14th brother.

"I told you already. Their hands are tied. Not only theirs, every other clan was restrained after what you did years ago," he speaks with a sigh, as if he's tired of repeating the same thing over and over again, which might be actually true, "There's no imminent danger. Now just relax and make sure you live well."

"What about the Hwangbo?"

"Isn't Baek Ah-hyungnim your spy? I told you, there's nothing. They're not stupid, and your son is their best shot of getting the throne."

The words make absolute sense, but ever since the plot to overcome and dethrone him had come to surface and more than half of his court was sentenced to death, he had become a bit paranoid.

"Lately I feel like I've been losing my mind."

He takes a deep breath, trying to calm down, and looks to the distant trees on the outside of the Cheondeokjeon halls. Their leaves shine brightly under the afternoon sun, and they contrast vividly with the clear blue of the sky.

He blinks once and he's caught in a dream. He blinks twice and he's back to the dire reality.

Beside him, Jung seems to understand the places his mind travels too, and instead of speaking with the argumentative and commanding tone of the general, he walks a step closer and talks with a lower and gentler voice.

"Her death anniversary is coming up, isn't it?"

"It still feels like it was yesterday." So doesn't move his eyes away from the trees, although they now cause more pain to him than the temporary relief of a memory.

"If Soo were here now," his brother says with a soft smile, "she would tell you to take things slowly. Not only for you, but Seol as well. She barely has you as it is."

So nods quietly, finally looking back at Jung before quickly dismissing him.

"Send my regards to your wife. I'll be going now."

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He finally finds her next to the gardens, but she's not admiring the flowers or enjoying a peaceful walk in the pleasant weather.

So watches from up the gazebo and tries to understand what she's up to down there, then his curiosity makes him give up on trying to figure out ask in a loud voice, "What are you doing?"

Seol looks up when he calls out, but looks more pleased than surprised by his arrival. Her face lights up and she smiles and beams, raising her arms above her head and waving her hands so he can see what she is holding.

"In order to build a perfect praying stone, I need to find the perfect material," she explains why she was down to her knees in the dirt as she carries her sack of stones and walks closer to him. Without saying a word, he reaches out, taking the heavy load as they both set on walking to the praying tower, "Now that I'm getting ready to be married, I don't know how often I'll be able to visit you, so this one has to be special."

"Don't you have enough praying towers, already?" His tone is of a scolding, but he smiles - he can't help but fondly and sincerely smile whenever he is alone with her - and she giggles back at him, not minding his teasing.

"There is one more missing."

So doesn't complain any further and settles with accompanying her to the place of her newest creation, listening attentively as she relays the news from her home and the places she visited with Jung. He's so immersed and absorbed by her voice and her words, that the walk to the praying tower seems shorter than it really is. And he's actually a bit upset that, when they arrive, she stops talking and takes the selected stones back from him.

"What are you praying for this time?"

Seol pauses before putting down the sack on the ground and then smiles as she straightens up and finally answers him, "For you and for my mother."

He feels shivers climbing up and down his entire body whenever she refers to him as her father. Even after years of her knowing all about it, knowing the story of her mother, he can't calm down the jumping heart every time she doesn't talk to him as an uncle or a king.

But still, her new mission puzzles him a bit.

"Don't you have towers for us already?"

"I have one for your health and one for her memory," Seol points them out and then uses her feet to level down the ground on the spot she'll start a new one, "This one is so that you two may find happiness together, in another life."

She speaks naturally and effortlessly. As if she's certain that their reunion is something that will definitely happen someday and it's her responsibility to pray for the Heavens so that they have more time and more happy memories in their next chance at life.

Whenever someone mentions Hae Soo his heart aches, but this time he manages to smile as well as he thinks about the possibility of seeing her once again.

 _How does one travel between worlds?_ he asks himself not for the first nor the last time.

"You're going to dirty your clothes," he points out to his daughter, pointing to her clean and light-colored hanbok.

She shrugs, just like expected, and dismisses any kind of protest with a determined, "It will be worth it."

A very brave attitude from her part, considering the fact that Jung's wife tends to fuss about her lack of manners and etiquette in public, and about how difficult it will be to find any good family willing to accept her in marriage. The sight of her adopted daughter covered in dirt and with disheveled hair would probably make her go ballistic, and then complain to him and Jung, saying that they shouldn't be spoiling or condoning her behavior like that.

So, on the other hand, likes to watch when she's wild and passionate like that. She looks innocent and delighted, unlike the usual aloof demeanor she uses when she's around strangers; and her lips are curled in an honest and truthful grin, unlike the polite and tight smile she uses when she doesn't trust those around her. She looks carefree and joyful, just like the child she once was.

It reminds him of her mother.

However, before she kneels down and starts to work on the base of her new tower, So speaks up and stops her from moving at all.

"Shouldn't you be there as well?"

"Hm?" His question catches her by surprise and she halts as she turns around to face him, her eyes bulging and blinking rapidly in confusion.

"If you want me and your mother to be reunited," he elaborates further, his smile growing larger as his words evoke an image in his mind, "Shouldn't you wish to be there as well?"

That's not a common topic for them at all. Usually they talk about the present or about the past. They either talk about their daily activities and about poetry, books, weapons, war, tea and make up recipes; he listens to her doubts and complaints about her family and the world, and she helps him ease down the frustration of trying to change old man from their destructive habits - she asks for stories about Hae Soo and her prince and he tells her the one about the bunch of brothers who didn't seem to understand how families work.

They never talk about other possibilities for them. They never talk about So and Soo actually getting married and living happily ever after, they never talk about Seol growing up with both of them instead of being raised by her uncle.

They never really talk about being a complete family.

"Do you think she would want me?" she asks with her eyes cast down, a rare expression of insecurity from the feisty and rather confident girl, "Would she be alright with me?"

So can't blame her anxious behavior. After all, no matter how many stories he, Jung and Baek Ah tell her, no matter how many times they say that her mother would be proud, it can't change the fact that, for Wang Seol, Hae Soo is a stranger, a person she never and never met - and yet, the one who gave her life and was willing to sacrifice everything just so she could save her.

"Getting to know you would make her greatly happy. Seeing the person who you are now would be your mother's greatest joy," he speaks wistfully and certain, wishing once again that Soo could be there with them, or that time had been kinder to them and let Seol have at least a few memories with her mother, "She loved you. Your happiness and well-being were her biggest worries before she passed away."

"Not yours?"

"I know how to take care of myself," he scoffs, trying to look completely aloof with a goofy expression on his face.

Seol laughs, and all of her tension and uncertainty seems to wash off her with her father's tranquilizing words.

"I would like to know her. She seems to be a formidable woman," she sighs in wonder and smiles as she tries to imagine how Soo looked like, "I'd also like to be your daughter properly, without having to hide from the public eye."

"I would like that too," So wishes as well, his voice a bit pensive and nostalgic, and Seol's smile goes from excited to bittersweet as she leans down to take a few more stones in her hands.

"Well," she says with a sigh and a soft smile, her eyes apparently lost on a thousand of possibilities before them, as she sets the first rock down, "Maybe in another life."

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After she finishes her new praying stone towers, Seol has built five in total.

Soo built six before passing away.

The spot where the two of them chose to dedicate their prayers looks a bit crowded, despite the towers not being too high and the stones not too big. But So has forbidden anyone from taking them down. He likes to go there, near the lake Dongji, where he spread her ashes, and gaze upon the wishes his lover and his daughter made.

Wishes for their dysfunctional family, that was disrupted before it even became one.

He thought about building one as well, but the more he thinks about what to ask for, the more wishes he has in his heart, the more things he worries and fusses about, the more things he wants to protect.

 _Is this what she felt when she found out she was ill?_

After she builds her newest praying stone tower, Seol stays in silent meditation for a while beside him. After the Sun is dyed with orange, she excuses herself and runs back to her room, where she'll certainly receive another scolding for being late for dinner. After the stars appear on the horizon, he begins the arduous journey back to his empty and cold room.

The day she passed away, half of his heart died as well.

He parted from her with a smile and a kiss to her temple.

He carried her back to the Damiwon with heavy steps and a heavy heart.

He collapsed and broke down in sobs and tears when he reached his room. Clenching his fists and wrapping his arms around himself, trying to find some sort of comfort, some sort of reason to stand up again and keep on moving. He cried and wailed until his eyes were swollen and his throat was coarse.

His mind fell back into the vertiginous darkness, the lack of warmth and the lack of sound. And he made no effort to climb back, because his reality wasn't any better than that place of madness.

Despite knowing for so long, and even bracing himself for it, he wasn't ready to live in a world without Hae Soo.

He couldn't ever live without Hae Soo.

After the meltdown subdued, he found himself all alone, empty and cold inside. His room and his appearance were as disheveled as his mind, heart and soul. He had no energy, no will to rise from the floor. He only had his tears and the sound of his hoarse voice whispering, calling out her name.

After his storm passed, he was all alone.

So didn't remember sending the servants away, but they weren't there anymore - they didn't even come in to bring his dinner - and he was left alone with his grief.

Baek Ah had to come in to coax him into eating something that tasted like grass and felt like sand as he chewed and swallowed, but it took Jung's audacity and physical strength to make him dress up and leave his room. Because after the tempest died down, there was only a trail of destruction that he could only watch in dismay as he realized that the chaos would no longer be a transitory state of mind, but a permanent scar, a devastation that, no matter how much he tried to rebuild, would never be the same again.

Half of his heart died with Hae Soo, the other half had to keep beating for the sake of Seol.

So, after his tears were dry and the love of his life was an urn full of ashes, he tried to keep moving forward. He put on the mask of the wolf dog and the ruthless king, so one could read into his heart. He decided to be stronger than ever, so that Soo's fate couldn't ever repeat itself and touch their daughter. He vowed to never cry in front of his people so that they wouldn't worry about him and everyone could move on with their lives.

He would go to see and hug Seol in the mornings. He would have dinner with his brothers in the evening. He would put their daughter to sleep if the nursemaid wasn't around, and then he would sing her song - Soo's song - until they both had drowsy eyes.

Then he would go back to his room, and try not to cry too loud.

One heavy step after another.

And yet, up to this day, whenever the date of her passing is near, he follows the same path over and over again, from the lake to the Damiwon and then back to his room, where he falls into a catatonic state of grief and misery.

He stops at the gate for a while, staring directly ahead and letting his memories be flooded with a day of a heavy rain. So had stood there, in that exact same spot when he was younger, unbothered if the water would clean off the makeup and expose his scar. That day, he was only focused on standing by her side and keeping her safe from the cold wind and the strong pouring rain.

Today, he only focuses on keeping the memory of her as fresh as possible.

He focuses on the feeling of having her beside him once again, just enough to continue sane.

And when he looks to the palace engulfed in darkness, for a brief second, he's deep enough into his memory that he can even hear her voice. He can hear her calling out her name.

 _Wang So-nim_ , the voice says behinds her, and even though he knows _she_ isn't, he turns around anyway.

He turns around, thinking - hoping - it will break the illusion he is in, and he'll be back to the dull reality of the masked snakes that surround him. Because no matter how happy listening to her voice makes him, it's always a strong tug on his heart when it stops.

But right when he turns around, the voice calls him again, softly and dainty, already disappearing in the air.

 _Come to me_ , it says, and it is so sweet and so bitter that he stops breathing for a second, _I'm waiting._

No matter how hurt he was after Soo's death, he would protect and love their daughter for the both of them.

No matter how long he was condemned to keep on like this, he would never forget the promise they had made for each other.

His hand covers the concealed scar, wiping away Soo's makeup, standing bare and open before the place he once thought to be his home. So wipes his insecurities and fears off, feeling his heart strong and certain after years of longing and anguish.

No matter how long it took, he would see her again.

 _I will find you._

 _My Soo._

* * *

 **A\N: One down, one more to go... So, how was it? Anything like you expected?**

 **...**

 **cyberacksmusic** **: _Sorry for the sad parts, but I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter as a whole - believe me, it was hard to write Soo's demise as well; despite knowing what happens next. Thanks for your review! :)_**


	22. i still feel that we're tied

**A\N: OH WELL LOOK WHO'S BACK!**

 **Sorry for the long delay, especially since it was the FINAL chapter. But, thanks to all the setbacks, my original chapter of 5k words kept growing more scenes to the point that now it is a 9k one - and officially the longest I've ever written.**

 **At last, please enjoy your reading. And I hope you all like it!**

* * *

When Go Hajin wakes up, she feels like something is missing.

The bright lights blind her and the smell hurts her nostrils. She looks around bewildered for a while until someone collides into her, arms wrapping tightly around her small figure, and before she can utter a single word of confusion the reality around her sinks in, as the familiar smell of the person hugging her bring her sleeping brain slowly back to consciousness.

"Umma…" she has difficulty to speak. Her throat hurts and all the muscles she needs to use are sore. She coughs a little, her vocal chords protesting from being dormant for a while, and then she realizes that her mouth is dry.

The small cough then becomes a coughing fit, and her mother is fussing over her, before finally giving her a cup of fresh water. After she finally calms her lungs down she falls back to the bed, staring to a white ceiling, her brain trying to understand what's happening, where is she, what is going on.

Hajin hears her mother speaking, and she nods to a few questions. Yes, she understands what she's saying. No, she's not feeling any pain. Yes, she's fully awake. No, she doesn't remember what happened before everything went black.

 _Actually, wait._

 _I think I do._

 _Jaewoo and Hyemin were going out behind my back and I confronted them. But they took all I had and only left me with their debts._

 _The creditors were chasing me all night and I ended up staying the night in the streets._

 _There was a lake, and a homeless man who liked alcohol but didn't like to talk. There was also an accident with a kid falling in the water, and me hopelessly trying to help him._

 _And then there was an eclipse._

 _And then there was…_

 _There was something, wasn't there? I'm sure there was._

 _What was it, I wonder?_

The doctors come and go in a haze. They ask her questions, touch her body and prescribe some medicine. They recommend treatments and diets and tell her to live a good life, a normal life.

Despite spending a year unconscious, she has no grave sequelae. Only debts under her name, that her parents tried their best to settle after their daughter jumped in the water to save a child and didn't wake up after drowning.

A few weeks after she came out of the comma she is released from the hospital and told to not push her body before they are absolutely sure there won't be any consequences or overexhaustion - her vital signs are okay but her muscles were laying still for a long time and that might take a while to be recovered.

But it's not her body that bothers her. It's the weird dream she has been having ever since waking up.

The first time she mentioned it, her parents looked worried and a bit apprehensive. A psychologist was brought to her hospital room and made her talk about the constant nights seeing the bottom of lake, a sun disappearing from the sky and later a man with long hair pulling and carrying her on a horse.

Her mother and her father were worried that drowning had caused some sort of trauma on her. The doctor smiled and said that it was nothing to worry about - _it's just a dream_.

If Go Ha Jin was worried, she could start another treatment, but with a psychologist. The woman smiled and explained calmly the benefits of having a few sessions, and how the dreams would soon be gone if she had a professional counseling, but she refused it.

After all, the dream doesn't bother her. And she doesn't want it to disappear.

Unlike nightmares, she doesn't feel anxious or afraid when she's trapped in it. And when she wakes up she doesn't feel a surge of panic, or any relief that she finally woke from it, whatever it was.

The problem is, she's not so sure what her dreams are about either.

Despite the little information she manages to gather the first few times, there aren't any new details she can remember after she opens her eyes. She's sure there are many other things, but she can't say what they are, nor why she cares so much about them.

A week after leaving the hospital the dream is still like a lost memory; like a word she has forgotten, but that she feels it to be right at the tip of the tongue. Even though it follows her when she sleeps ever since waking up, the things she sees continue to be only a dream that she remembers she had, but cannot grasp her mind around what it was actually about.

One day, already going mad trying to remember what else was in there, she makes her mother sit down in her bed with her.

Hajin lays her head in the pillow, staring the ceiling as if she's trying to go under a hypnosis session, and her mother tries to suggest things that she may have seen or not while sleeping. And although she started by being very constructive and patient, soon enough her mother was about to go crazy herself, as she started to shout her guesses.

"Well, I don't know Hajin-ah," her mother sighs, moving impatiently on the bed, as much as frustrated as Hajin herself, "You have never even been on a horse in your entire life, I don't know why you keep dreaming about them. Maybe you were dreaming with a forest or something?"

"A forest," Hajin repeats deadpan so she can see just how ridiculous the idea is.

She hasn't been on that many forests either.

"Yeah, a forest," her mom insists, spitting out all the characteristics she can remember about forests, "You know, with all sorts of animals, non-existent electrical sockets and no piped and running water. Only those tall and old trees."

She's about to scoff and tell that if she doesn't want to provide actual help she doesn't have to stay there any longer, but something that the older woman says makes something click in her mind.

 _There were many trees._

"Trees? There were trees," Hajin sits up abruptly and her mother goes silent beside her, but she's too focused on trying to see past the blurred memory that is already starting to fade away once again, "There was also a house. It was small and kinda old, but there were lots of trees around it. He loved those trees."

"He?"

"Yes, you know…" She turns around, irked that her mom doesn't know who he is, but when she opens her mouth to say what should be obvious, no name comes out. Her lips try to form any sort of sound, but none seems correct, and before she can try to spill what's on the tip of her tongue, she continues where her mother's last clue left her, "He loved trees. He knew their names and he…"

She grabs a pencil and begins to draw them, trying to give them life before they are gone from her mind as well. She draws all kind and shape of trees, trying to find the right one, that one tree which will finally make it all have some sort of sense on her mind. She forces her brain to come up with every single detail, every single piece of information, every single clue about who _he_ is.

Beside her, her mother looks clearly invested and calmer now that the situation is showing progress, "He loved trees, was he a gardener? A naturalist, maybe? An ent?"

"There was also another tree," Hajin speaks in a low voice, more to herself than to anyone else, and more things roll off her tongue without her even trying to think about it, "A white birch tree. Three men could hang from it and it would not budge."

"Well, that's remarkable, I guess?"

Her hands stops drawing altogether, and that's when she realizes that, despite knowing about it, she can't come up with the birch's image in her mind's eye.

"He burnt it," the explanation comes from Hajin herself, and she looks away from the paper, away from the drawings and doodles, and up to…

 _To where?, I guess._

 _To whom?_

"He again?"

"I should forget about it now."

"What? Forget? Hajin-ah, you're almost getting there."

Her mother's squeal sounds just like when she is infuriated with some character or plot twist in her favorite drama, and is loud enough to bring her back to reality. She blinks once, then twice, and when she looks back to her mother's agonized and eager eyes, Hajin realizes that she was in a trance.

And that's when she begins to cry.

The tears come before she notices them. They fall heavy and slow at first, but then they pour out in torrents, and before she controls herself she's already sobbing and trying to wipe her face dry.

"What does all of this mean? I was supposed to know," she cries out miserable, hating and agonizing the feeling that there is something missing, disappointed that she only finds dead ends.

"I don't know, darling. I don't know," she feels the warm and safe hug and the soothing taps on her back, as her mother tries to comfort and come up with an explanation or a solution to a problem she has never even seen before, "Maybe it's better this way?"

Go Hajin can't seem to agree with that. Because the people and the things she sees in her dream shouldn't be forgotten, and it feels wrong that she doesn't remember them. Especially when remembering was the only thing she had to do so they could continue to live, at least in her memory.

And know she can't even remember their names.

"Say, umma… Is it okay to miss a dream?"

.

.

.

.

The dreams aren't the only thing she feels different after she wakes up from the coma.

But of course, she only notices it later, when she's all focused on acting normal and not like someone who's been sleeping for an entire year and woke up with dreams that make her cry until she falls asleep once again.

But, unlike the dream, which would come back every night and refuse to pass by unnoticed, she only realizes this new change when her when her colleagues from work drop by to pay a visit.

Hajin manages to carry on a conversation without sounding or looking crazy, and for a few minutes she even feels like the dreams didn't even exist in the first place. They sit in the living room, and her mother brings them snacks as her friends update her on all that has happened at work and with their common acquaintances in the past year.

Hajin laughs and gasps as their stories make her realize just how much changed in such a short amount of time, but she's actually more surprised about the changes in herself than anything else.

Of course, that passes by unnoticed until one of them mentions her bastard of an ex-boyfriend and her double-crosser ex-best friend.

"It seems like I missed a lot! So much has happened, I can't seem to keep up," Hajin's remark is playful and lighthearted, as anyone would say when returning to their hometown after some time away, but it stops the laugh in the room and makes her friends evade their eyes and look down to their hands in distress.

She blinks, failing to see what's so wrong about what she said, but then realizing that, although it was like the blink of an eye for her, they had to endure an entire year of her sleeping in a hospital bed, not even knowing when she would come back.

"And to think none of this would have happened if you weren't being chased out that night," Siyeon says after a few seconds of silence, because that's the kind of thing a friend says when trashing and a pair of liars and deceivers.

"Well, I don't think any other scenario would be better," she replies in an attempt to lift up the mood in the room, already regretting her last words, but also truly believing that whatever happened to her was the best outcome.

"Hajin-ssi!" her other colleague, Handong, reprimands her, looking miserable as Hajin remembers the anguish all of them had been through when she drowned and didn't regain consciousness for a year, "What if you never woke up again?"

"Me? Like I'd give up that easy," she dismiss the possibility as she tries to cheer them up, changing the topic before all of them start crying and reminiscing the bad days, "But I do wonder, what happened to them? I never thanked them properly for ruining my life that day."

Handong and Siyeon share a look, their sad expression swapped by looks of sadness and revolt.

"They ran away after you went into the comma."

"I talked to her once," Siyeon continues, taking a cookie into her hands only to break it in half angrily, "But all she did was cry and say that she was sorry."

That would be a different setting from Hajin's last conversation with her, which involved a few slaps in the face and too many self-indulging speeches and belittling words from her so-called best friend and best boyfriend. Never once did she hear anything remotely close to an apology from any of them.

"Was she really sorry, though?"

"For you almost dying? Probably. For betraying you? I doubt it," Siyeon rolls her eyes, clearly done with Hyemin's nonsense as well, "If she was, she would have broken up with him already. Last I heard they're still together."

"Enjoying their honeymoon phase with your hard earned savings…" Handong ponders out loud, shakes her head and sighs, before speaking with a gentle voice, "I'm sorry, Hajin-ssi."

"Me too. We should go after them and find a way to make them pay you back."

"Don't be," Hajin flicks her hand, not wanting to keep talking about them, "I'll earn ten thousand times more than what they stole from me. I'm going to be rich and successful without needing even one penny back from them."

There is a long pause in their talking, as the girls look at her with a cautious and sympathetic expression, and when Hajin begins to wonder if she said something wrong, Handong breaks the silence, speaking slowly.

"We're not only sorry about the money, though."

"Oh," Hajin blinks, realizing they're actually talking about the betrayal and her being left behind, although she doesn't feel fazed by it, "Yeah, I don't really care about the rest of it."

Except that she should.

A long relationship broken so abruptly, and with so many lies surfacing, with more betrayals and back stabbing than a TV drama, would surely leave someone with a broken heart. A resentment so deep that it would take a long while for her to be completely over it. A pain so heartbreaking that would certainly make her wish for her life to be over already.

 _Have you ever wanted to sleep for a hundred or a thousand years?_

 _Why did everything in my life go wrong?_

She remembers asking those questions to a drunk homeless near the lake she drowned. She remembers crying the entire night and drinking to try to ease the pain. She remembers being devastated by Jinwoo and Hyemin betrayal that day, but why can't she bring herself to even care about them right now?

Handong seems to have been wondering about it as well, as she blurts out laughing, "Being in a comma really made you forget about Park Jinwoo?"

"I don't know. I suppose it did," she laughs as well and then makes an expression of anger, following Siyeon's example and breaking a cookie in half, imagining it's his face, "Or maybe it was after I found out what a cheater lying thief he was."

And, just like this, they're back to laughing together, breaking a few more cookies in support to their deceived friend.

"We'll help to get on your feet again. Don't worry."

"With friends like you two, I don't have to," Hajin says, relieved that, despite all the changes in her body and in the outer world, she still has someone to rely on beside her parents, "Just promise none of you will ever steal my man and my money one day."

She's only teasing, and they know it, as they all laugh and raise their hands to swear solemn oaths with a mix of playfulness and gravity, but Hajin's mind has already drifted away with her last sentence.

She contemplates on the betrayals and heartbreaks she went through, and how, after a very long nap, she has the joy and relief of a finally restored and healed heart. She thinks about people who could never let go of old passions and were determined to never be separate from them. She remembers the sight of a haughty woman with an arrogant smile declaring war against her, trying to come between them and to snatch _him_ away from her, and her skin itches.

But the woman isn't Kim Hyemin.

And _he_ isn't Park Jinwoo.

 _Where are these feelings coming from?_

.

.

.

.

The third change in her takes a while to surface, but after it does, it won't go away.

She's cleaning her makeup brushes, wiping the excess of the cleanser off in a handkerchief before putting them back on the counter, doodling hearts and flowers on the fabric when she starts to feel bored and her mind begins to drift away. But then she draws something else.

The strokes were made unconsciously, and only after she raises the brush she notices what she did.

It could be some random lines.

But Hajin knows exactly what it is, although that doesn't explain why she just wrote Hanja. Or why she can read it.

After checking on many online dictionaries and online translating tools, she confirms it. The size, the alignment, and even the order of the strokes are correct. After confirming it, she tries to write the same character again, with another brush, with a different material serving as ink, with a pen and later a pencil, and they all come out effortlessly, in a beautiful calligraphy she never had before.

First, it is only one character - 昭 - in different sizes and in different intervals. Sometimes she writes lots of them side by side in the margin of a notepad, other times she carefully traces it down over and entire page. And when she realizes she has tons of papers written with it around her bedroom.

Then, it's an entire poem.

Her mother, of course, freaks out and starts to worry once again when she finds it - them, many copies of them - lying around her desk, coming out from under books and boxes, and her expression when she sees it is almost as if she just found out stolen money in her room.

"Hajin-ah, what's this?" she holds one of them up, and Hajin wonders why did she ever write so many, and why she never bothered to keep them away.

"If I'm not mistaken," she replies her mother with a smile, trying to ease her already anxious heart, "Those are Chinese characters."

"Yes, but why did you write them?"

"Oh," the question sounds distressed, as if she's already expecting something abnormal as an answer, so she comes up with an excuse that sounds plausible, "I thought they were pretty, so I was just trying to copy them down to, you know, practice my wrist muscle."

Her mother looks a bit relieved them, as she now looks as if she found out legally earned money in her daughter's bedroom, her eyes glinting as she appreciates her hard work and precise calligraphy - which means that she's recovering fast and that soon enough her rehabilitation would be finished.

"What do they mean?"

"I don't know, umma. I can't read Hanja," she shrugs, a sign of indifference towards the characters, the writing, and the poem itself, "But I know it's something about rivers and clouds, you know, just the appreciation of nature."

 _It wasn't for nature._

 _It was for her._

 _It was an explanation for her._

"When the water dries, I sit and watch the clouds," Hajin whispers to herself, tracing the contours of the characters with her finger, "When the water dries, I sit and watch the clouds."

.

.

.

.

A month after she's discharged from the hospital, Hajin regains her conviction.

Ever since waking up and realizing there was something wrong with that dream, something wrong with her feelings, something wrong with her ability to write and read Hanja, she had been too wary and too uncertain about herself.

Every time she wondered about these changes, she would be cautious, afraid to go too far, worried that something would break inside her and she would come to regret ever going too deep into them. But everything changed when one of her former classmates got married and asked her to do her makeup for her big day.

Hajin managed to hold back her expression of astonishment and surprise when she applied the concealer. She smiled with her old friend when they talked about the groom and the bride's expectations of her new life, and didn't shake the brush when she dusted the foundation. But after the woman was bright and radiant, she had to come with an excuse, saying she was feeling a bit lightheaded and that it was better if she went back home.

The truth is that, even now, as she's walking in her room and falling back in her bed, her hands are tingling. She had felt a strange spark at her fingertips when she spread the BB cream on the back of her hand and then used her hands to apply it to her friend's face. Hours later, she feels like her fingers are still touching something.

 _Someone._

Before she realizes it, she falls asleep. And when her mind drifts away, she's back in the dream.

Only this time is different. This time she's aware of all things that surround her.

Hajin feels a face under the palm of her hands, hair strands tangling around her fingers. She hears a few sweet words as the fine scent of aromatic oils fills a warm room. Then there are hands on her own hair and she savors the feeling of them playing with her scalp.

She feels strong arms wrapping around her, warm lips grazing her forehead lightly. She hears the sound of laughter and feels a heartbeat close to her ear. Then her own arms moving to envelop a bigger and sturdier body underneath her.

She feels a hand wrapped around hers, fingers interlaced in a firm grasp, as her head leans on someone's shoulder and they look out at the stars. She narrates stories from old myths she read in modern books, and for a second she hears a low humming and a soft whisper next to her ear.

Hajin wants to look up and see who is this, why is he so important that she keeps dreaming about him, hearing his voice and feeling his touch, but never seeing properly his face. She wants to turn around and have a proper look at his face, but she can't control her movements, she can't make any use of her voice. She's like a spectator of the dream, trapped in someone else's body.

Then, suddenly, her arm is raising up and her finger is pointing somewhere in the sky.

Hajin follows the direction where she is pointing to, trying to see what is it, if it is important, if it is relevant, if it is a clue to who is this man she's sitting so close to. She only sees stars in the night sky as her mouth starts to open to say something.

And then she wakes up.

.

.

.

.

The dream still lingers, follows her back to reality.

Her fingers continue to tingle, her hands feels others cupping them, her hair is caressed by soft hands, she feels the contours of another body on hers as the sound of a heartbeat and a deep and gentle voice seems to echo inside her room.

Hajin opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

She doesn't know what to say.

She knows there's something there. Something she's forgotten, but shouldn't have. Something she can almost see, almost touch, almost hear. Something she can almost recognize, but not yet. Something about her that no one knows, otherwise they would have told her.

Something important for her, and that her subconsciousness seems determined to point out that she needs to remember.

In this case, she needs a trigger.

 _I won't forget you_ , she said in her dream, but she keeps forgetting about him when she opens her eyes.

Hajin feels a bit guilty as the sleepiness finally begins to fade away from her body. She doesn't even know why she's having those dreams, why she can't remember them, and why she even made such a promise to a person evoked by her mind. And even though the doctors did tell her that she might feel a bit out of place for some time as she rehabilitates, that she might face a few struggles until her body is back to what it used to be, she can't help but reprimand herself a little bit.

She promised she wouldn't forget, so she should at least not forget it for too long.

 _Come on, Hajin-ah. You have to set things straight. Right now._

It's still early, so she stands up, sneaks out of her room and leaves her house in silence, trying her best to not worry her parents by telling them she's going to find an answer to an enigma of her dreams and finally find out who's the person she keeps seeing while she sleeps.

Her first lead are the stars, so she goes to best place to observe all of them at once, her mind solely focused on the details she managed to keep fresh in her memory from the last weird dream, keeping every single sensation alive.

The planetarium is almost empty when she arrives.

The projection room is closed for the day, and now there are only a couple preparing to leave, a group of students and a few other people spread around the murals and panels in the hall. It's peaceful and quiet, and not so distracting, so she marches to the closest panel, the one that replicates the sky in Seoul, if it weren't for all the street lights outshining the stars.

This one looks more similar to the one she saw in her dream, the kind of sight you'd only have in the countryside. Hajin pays careful attention to it, her gaze scrutinizing every single white dot contrasting with the black background, to see whatever the person she became in her dreams was trying to show, trying to tell.

She's so focused and fixated on the stars in front of her that she can barely notice when someone approaches and stands near her.

"You seem to like the stars a lot," the man beside her comments, taking her by surprise, and she smiles, hoping she didn't just look like a crazy person.

"Stargazing is a hobby," she replies politely, looking back to the sparkling spots on the panel, "But I ended up learning the names and the position of the constellations."

"All of them? I only know the Ursa Major, and I still take a while to find it."

"I know at least the ones that rise in Seoul," Hajin replies good humoredly, repeating something she heard somewhere, and then raising her finger to point the closest one, "See this one there? It's called Cassiopeia, for the Greek myth. And that one that looks like a square is called Pegasus."

 _That one that looks like a square is called Pegasus._

 _Pe. Ga. Sus._

Hajin feels all of her surroundings fade. All the sounds and all the colors disappear and the world around her becomes nothing. All there is is her and the constellation, a freezing feeling down her stomach, and the sudden chill climbing down her spine.

She taps the glass and whispers, "Pesus."

 _Pesus_ , she hears someone saying it right beside her, but she doesn't have to look up to see that there's no one standing there, and that what she hears is only a memory.

Because after that memory, another one follows.

It's the sun being covered by the moon, it's a bath with half-naked men, it's a home with gentle smiles and then it's a place with many strict rules and few loving people, it's a ritual for rain and it's a banquet with dancing gisaengs filled with laughter.

It's a walk on the snow, then it's a ride on a boat; it's a heartbreak on the rain, then it's a kiss under the sun by the lake.

It's a long sequence of images, sounds and experiences, coming out from a hidden spot in the back of her mind at a vertiginous speed. It's the epiphany that brings sense to all things, that makes her realize that there was a room hidden in the corner of her mind. It's the reliving of ten years under ten seconds.

And then she breaks down, falling to her knees, tears running down her face.

A month after she's discharged from the hospital, Go Hajin regains Hae Soo memories.

.

.

.

.

She doesn't see Choi Jimong again, or whoever was the man with his face. And the truth is that she's too busy to care about him.

As soon as she manages to stand up in her feet and return to a sane state of mind, she takes out her phone and starts to look up for sources and pages on historical subjects to know what happened after she came back to the 21st Century.

History had never been her favorite subject in school, so, aside from Gwangjong's ruthless reign, there wasn't much stuff she knew about the Goryeo era. She confirms things she witnessed, and corrects mentally other things she knows to be false. She checks new information and verifies them in other sources, starting to make a list of new priorities in her head.

She feels like she's a bit older, like she's almost a different person.

Hajin only comes back home when her mother calls her worried, and that's also when she notices she has spent the last few hours still standing in front of the panel of the planetarium and browsing names of ancient people. She's the last to leave the place, and when she walks her steps are slow and careful, as all of her surroundings seem to have dislocated from reality in just a couple of hours.

With Hae Soo's memories from Goryeo, Go Hajin has a new perspective on things.

 _It wasn't a dream._

 _All those feelings and those events weren't a dream._

 _He's not a dream._

She makes up an excuse to ease her parents and to be excused back to her room. There's no way she'll be able to say she spent ten years living in Goryeo while lying unconscious for a year, and that she just got her memories from that period back. They'll only get more worried and try to find a doctor to check if she doesn't have any sequelae from the coma. And then the doctors will be sure that she's crazy and put her under meds or in an asylum.

So, she empties her face and her body expression from any signs of the impact her new discoveries had on her - a trick she learned while she lived in the Damiwon - and manages to deceive them. Although that doesn't stop her mother from reprimanding her for leaving so suddenly and not answering her phone for hours.

After the door is closed and she's left alone with her thoughts and memories, Hajin lies in her bed in the same position she slept a few hours ago.

Her mind is immediately flooded by the images she saw in her dream earlier, only now she knows where they come from, and is able to recall vivid details.

She feels his hesitant stare as she traces his scar up and down his face, then his relieved gaze as she lets his hair loose to comb it and tie it up for the day. She blinks and another memory surfaces, and this time his hands are in her hair, weaving a braid zealously.

She feels her heart fluttering when he kisses her brow, and then the rumble in his chest when they laugh in excitement as they both ignore the world outside, and she can only hold on tightly to him, the two of them lost together in a bubble of happiness as they rejoice over the life growing inside of her.

She feels his warm hands wrapped around hers. His lean shoulder under her head, and his comments to the stories she tells him with the stars, as a thousand and one nights merge together and become a never ending moment in which they're always together.

He's all she sees, as the promise Hae Soo made within the walls of Goryeo's palace is renewed in Go Hajin's tiny room in the suburbs of modern Seoul.

He's all she sees when, before she falls asleep and dreams about her life a thousand years in the past, she strengthens her conviction, her spirit, her heart.

She'll hold on tight to his promise and will wait for him to show up.

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.

.

.

Despite her new behavior being more cheerful and active than before, her parents are worried.

At first they only glance in confusion at her when she's leaning over books and making notes in the margin of the pages. When she takes out her phone during the meals she notices that they share a look, but prefer not to make any comments. After a week of her leaving home early in the morning and only returning late at night, they finally

"Hajin-ah, are you sure you're okay?" Her mother breaks the silence first, the pretense that she didn't find anything odd about her daughter's new behavior breaking at once.

She smiles and puts her phone away for the time being, just to ease her parents' mind.

"I'm sure, umma." Hajin takes her cup of coffee, trying to look natural and at ease, but then realizes that she spent so much time reading the article that had come out that week that it got cold.

"We're worried, darling," her father says at last, "We're worried and we don't want you to keep things away from us. You can tell us anything."

Part of her wonders if they would believe her if she told them all that happened after she drowned in that lake. And also, if they did believe, would that make them feel any better? Would they treat her as if their beloved daughter was gone forever, after the life-changing decade she spent in the past?

But she knows that's not even a possibility. She won't ever tell them, there's no way she can.

"It's nothing, appa, I promise." Once again Hajin thanks Oh Sanggung mentally for training her face to become a hard mask that concealed all feelings, "I just found a new hobby, that's all."

"A hobby?"

"History," she explains carefree, shrugging to show to her parents how silly their worries are and how ordinary are her new odd habits, "You know, after that drama we watched I want to know all about what happened to everyone. The only way is by the artifacts and the information in the books."

Hajin's mother seems to see some logic in her reply, but her father's still not convinced, and he asks, full of suspicion, "What about that dream?"

"It stopped. I can't barely remember it at all."

"Good," he says after a few seconds of contemplation, having nothing else to say, "It's best to forget things you have no control over."

.

.

.

.

Her father means well, and she knows it.

Once she also thought that the best way to begin anew, to truly start again, was to forget all the hardships and the shortcomings of the past. To pretend that all of it was a bad dream, or someone else's story - something she would see happening in a movie rather than to herself.

But now, her memory of him is the last thing she has left.

She doesn't want to forget her life in Goryeo. She wouldn't want to even if she didn't promise to wait for him and he didn't promise to find her.

She doesn't want to ever forget their life together.

However, her father's words still stir some of her insecurity in her, and her skeptical side starts to question everything about her memories and her promises.

 _How would he even show up here, in the 21st Century? Even if he knew where to look for you, how would he find you?_

Hajin ignores such thoughts when they come, because she knows Wang So - not the one depicted in the books, the real Wang So, her Wang So - and she knows that whenever he says something he means it. Whenever he makes a vow or a promise, he finds a way to make it happen. Whenever he has his heart set on something, he moves the heavens and earth to achieve it.

 _Hajin-ah,_ the voice in her head says disapprovingly, _you're wishing too much._

She shakes her head, hoping to silence the doubts hidden deep in her mind. If she, somehow, managed to go back and forth in time, then he'd be able to do it as well. Moreover, Choi Ji Mong was still in the palace when she passed away, and judging by his sudden appearance and odd conversation a few weeks ago, then maybe he could learn how to do the same and come after her.

 _It doesn't work like that, Hae Soo_ , the annoying voice continues to nag.

 _But still… he promised_ , she reminds herself, and the doubts and anxieties are silenced.

She could never doubt him, she could never question his word. So, whenever Hajin wonders about the possibilities and impossibilities, she cleans her mind and focus on his words alone.

His promise is all that she has.

His promise is all that she needs.

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.

As she continues her much less chaotic life in Seoul, Go Hajin keeps her eyes open, attentive to all of her surroundings, hoping to catch a glimpse of that familiar face, trying to find someone she doesn't even know if is there.

She follows the traces, visiting every location that is even remotely related to Goryeo, looking for online group chats that like to discuss history and waiting for some sort of sign or confirmation. She visits museums and filming locations, landmarks and ancient buildings; she goes to the lake where she drowned, the hospital where she woke up and the planetarium where she regained her memories.

She even rejoices when the makeup store she works for is invited to participate in a Goryeo themed event, and her colleagues laugh at her expression when she hears the news.

"Yah! Hajin-ah!" Siyeon reproves her jokingly, "How come you're so happy to be working on a weekend?"

"You're only mad because you don't appreciate the history of your country," she retorts, not minding their teasing and still able to rebuke their comments.

The rest of her colleagues can only laugh when Siyeon cries out, "I'd appreciate it more if I were at home!"

Go Hajin despises extra hours and extra work days as much as every other sensible human being. She dislikes working on weekends, even if it means some extra money at the end of the month.

But she doesn't feel even a tiny bit tired as she stands by the store's display, watching carefully every single person that comes in, every single one walking leisurely around the exhibit, even when she's busy demonstrating the products or doing someone's makeup.

She doesn't even feel disappointed when her shift is over and her search turns out to be fruitless, because, as she strolls around the painting from the Goryeo era, she finds a few of them to be quite familiar.

At first, she thinks it's only the scenarios - the gardens, the halls, the buildings and the courtyards of the palace - but soon she notices something else about them and her heart is filled with joy and longing at the same time.

The doubtful side of her wonders and questions how could Baek Ah's paintings end up there, but the truth is that it doesn't matter. She has stopped trying to look for logic explanations, and takes it as a sign that she's close.

She's close, and soon she'll be reunited with him.

The bliss that comes upon her is so great that she doesn't even feel the negative side of her come up with more questions.

Hajin stands by the last painting, the one closest to the exit, and lingers for a bit before finally leaving, already anxious for the opening hours on the next morning, and smiles to the dark back figure of a man standing in front of the Cheondeokjeon, imprinting it in her memory before leaving.

She doesn't need a tag to know that this one is the 4th monarch of Goryeo, Gwangjong.

"Come to me," she whispers softly, wishing that her words might be carried out to him somehow, "I'm waiting."

.

.

.

.

It turns out that he finds her first, chasing after her like he always did.

Of course, if she ever said that aloud, he would argue that she had spent her own share of chasing as well. And considering the fact that, throughout the three days that the event took place, she had come early in the morning to the exhibit and would leave only late at night, that wouldn't be a lie at all.

Her parents were worried at first. No matter how interesting someone's hobby is, spending three entire days at a Goryeo era event sounds like an unreasonable plan for a young woman to spend her weekend, but Hajin manages to make a few excuses to escape from the reprimanding looks and the inquiring of her mother, and leave quickly before they change their minds.

On the last day of the event, however, there are even more people than usual, making it almost impossible for her to monitor the place. But when the workers start to clean the place, she still hasn't found anything. At the end of it all, she only has a few pictures of the paintings hanging on the walls, and one more item to cross out on the very short list of places where she might find him.

Still, Hajin refuses to be disheartened.

She manages to walk out from the exhibit with a light heart. She didn't find him, which is a pity, but she found Baek Ah's paintings, which is something to be happy with. It's not the scenario she envisioned, but it's still something more than what she had before. She's so happy that she even decides to go for a stroll and visit the lake where it all started.

She walks with light steps, the warm wind caressing her neck and unraveling her loose hair, that falls loose down her back. The pleasant weather making her choose to stop for a moment and just relax for a while in that calm and uneventful evening, to breathe for a second before the next day comes and she has more work to do.

Hajin approaches the fence leisurely, looking at the dark water and the moonlight reflecting peacefully on its serene surface. With the street lights dimmed in that area, she could almost pretend she was back at the lake Dongji, back in Goryeo, back at his side.

It's at times like these, when she's all alone and very deep into her thoughts and memories, that she feels the weight of her travel to the past.

Officially, Go Hajin is 26 years old. But Hae Soo lived ten years after drowning, so she's technically 36 by now. Thankfully, after traveling to the body of a sixteen year old, her brain is not blown away by the paradox. Her mind feels a thousand years old, although her full recovered and healthy body lacks all the scars and traumas - She's dislocated from time and space, she's a makeup artist from the 21st Century and a noble lady from the 10th Century at the same time, with all the losses and gains, all the joys and pains.

Now, gazing at the quiet and dark lake, she even feels that she'll last forever, detached from the frame of reality, always carrying the burden of a knowledge that she couldn't ever share with anyone.

 _That seems good… Lasting forever._

His voice echoes back to her from the lake in her mind and she smiles, her existential contemplation fading away and bringing her back to the very solid present.

Hae Soo still needs to find Wang So in the 21st Century, so she shouldn't be acting all gloomy like this in an empty dock. There's work to be done, more places to visit and new websites to read - to look for him. So she takes another deep breath, to regain her determination this time, and nods encouragingly to herself, repeating the same words of self confidence in her mind: that he promised, that she promised, that they'll find each other. No matter how long it takes, Go Hajin is willing to wait and look for him.

When she turns around to leave, though, she sees him.

She thought that her memories were fresh and pretty nitid, that all traces and details were engraved so deeply in her mind, especially after seeing him every night in her dreams, that his face would be the one she knew the most.

And yet, when she sees him, after months of longing and searching, it's like she's seeing him for the first time all over again, and she stares.

(Her memories don't make him justice.)

He stands behind her, and she wonders when did he show up there, how long has he been there, why she didn't even notice his presence before, especially when he's considerably close, why he's being so quiet and didn't acknowledge her first. Actually no, she wonders a thousand things a thousand times, to the point that her mind shuts down completely and she can't do a thing except to open her mouth only to close it again. Any sort of rational thought she might have had is shattered and turned to dust. All she can see is his eyes, his face, _him_ , and the words disappear from her mind.

 _Because he's here. He's right here. He's standing in front of her, and there's no way she could ever mistake him._

 _It's him, and they are together once again._

 _They're together, and this time is not Goryeo, it's the 21st Century._

 _He's here and she can finally stop looking for him._

However, the seconds seem to last longer as they stare at each other. Hajin is sure her face fully shows just how much shocked she actually is, but his remain cold and unmoved, as if she's just a passerby that happened to cross paths with her. And she's about to burst out crying when he doesn't say anything.

 _Has he forgotten all about her, just like she did in the first month after waking up from the coma? Is that even him at all, or just someone who looked like him, just like Go Hajin looked like Hae Soo? Is he even real, or is her brain starting to collapse at last and is making her have illusions?_

She starts to panic as her brain regains its ability to think and starts to wonder about the sort of scenarios that didn't even cross her mind before. She looks around, trying to figure out what to do next, trying to come up with a solution, with some sort of action that will turn things around and maybe trigger all his memories back or switch the man before her - with no scars, she notices - with the one she left behind in a cold and lonely palace.

And then he speaks.

"Have you heard that a woman fell in this lake a couple years ago?" His voice is the same as she remembered, but it seems to hit her even harder than it did before, so she takes a while to fully register his words.

And when she does, her mind starts to shut down again.

"Really?" Is all she can say in return, a little bit out of breath, her legs shaking and almost losing balance.

The man nods slowly, his eyes drifting from hers to the lake behind her, before he continues to speak in a careful and gauging tone.

"After she lost everything she came here to contemplate on how everything went wrong with her life when she fell in it."

Hajin is running out of breath once again, and staring into his face is not helping her at all, so she turns around - her back to him and her eyes back to the lake, hands grasping the fence tightly, afraid that she'll lose her balance altogether - and decides to continue the conversation.

"Why did she fall?" She wonders how her voice does not shake, how her words are easily spoken and how she doesn't even bite her tongue when she speaks.

"Who knows?" He walks closer, standing right beside her as his hands move to the fence as well, and she feels her insides starting to melt, "Maybe she slipped, maybe she was pushed in by her envious colleague," he pauses, but she doesn't look at him just yet - and even so, she can feel his gaze on her as he continues, "maybe she wanted to do something stupid like saving someone who was drowning."

"Which one do you think it was?" She told him to decide back then, but he never said what his guess was.

"I suppose it doesn't matter, as long as it doesn't affect the rest of the story," He says immediately and she laughs a little bit, finding his bluntness amusing after missing it for so long, "But I can't help but wonder. Probably to save someone? She was selfless and helpful like that."

When Hajin is sure she's not about to pass out, she turns her face to look into his eyes as she asks, "Was she?"

"Well, she still is." He leans in closer and she's no longer sure that she won't pass out, "Up to the end, she's the kind of person that would be willing to sacrifice everything for others."

"Really?"

"Really. It makes me love her even more."

Her heart flutters even more, her thoughts being extinguished when her mind flies high yet once again as his hand reaches out for hers, and then pulls her close to him, wrapping his arms around her waist and she feels his warmth all over her body, melts against it, and before she notices it, her own arms are coming around him as well. An electrical current seems to climb up and down her spine, shivers creeping in the back of her neck, but it's a welcome sensation after only feeling his touch in her dreams.

 _This time, it's not a dream_ , she reminds herself as she breathes his scent in, her eyes lost deep into his. This time he's not a dream, and although she's already drunk in happiness, she feels her joy increasing when the confirmation hits her

"So which one was it?" He asks her after an eternal loving gaze, and this time she can't escape from giving him the answer.

"She really was stupid," she replies and sighs, looking back to the lake and to the spot she was at that morning, sitting beside a drunk Jimong lookalike, thinking that her life was over and that she would never be able to trust and love someone again, and yet acting all heroic to try to save a boy, "She could have warned somebody. The place was full."

"Aren't you glad she did it, though?"

For years, living in Goryeo as Hae Soo, Go Hajin cursed her decision to jump in the water. Whenever her life got too unbearable, too sorrowful, she would blame herself for her own state, reprimand her for not acting logically back then and ending up traveling to the past. For years, she regretted ever sitting by that lake, giving Jimong - or whoever he was at the time - a bottle of soju, or even turning around when she heard the sound of splashing in the water.

For years, all that she wanted was, if she couldn't go back to her time, that she could at least forget all about that new world she was forced to continue living in.

That is, until he came in.

"Well," she sighs contentedly and wraps her arms tightly around him, thinking about how she doesn't mind all of the sorrows she had to endure in Goryeo, as long as she ends right there and then, "Now I am."

He smiles softly, and after a few more seconds he turns his eyes back to the lake, as he continues even more on the story, surprising her that he's able to remember so many details of a tragic tale she came up with to explain his condition to him.

"And then she traveled to a different world under the water…" he scoffs at her narrative, remembering how nonsensical it was even a thousand years ago, "You know you could have just told me that it was the past, right? It would make your narrative more credible."

"I didn't want to crush your little world with that piece of information."

"No world is little with you in it."

She's about to swoon and to blush, smiling sheepishly and averting her eyes from him. But something from his line makes her remember something else, and she can't hold back the confrontation when she finally puts the memory in the right place.

"You… Have you been watching modern TV dramas or something?"

He laughs at her question, and that's all the confirmation she needs.

A bizarre image starts to form in her mind, that seems to be more extraordinary than him actually finding her, of sitting down on a couch and holding a remote control, shouting excitedly with the fictional characters on the screen - Gwangjong watches modern TV dramas, and watches enough of them to memorize and quote lines.

"That's a long story, actually," he says and scratches the back of his neck, a bit embarrassed, "Even longer than yours."

"Tell me," she asks, urges him, her mind immediately filling up with more questions, more requests, feeling like someone who couldn't read the final chapter of a book, "Tell me everything."

 _Tell me all about Seol, all about Jung and Baek Ah that's not on history books. Tell me all about your days in Goryeo and your new life in Korea._

 _Tell me how you found me._

"In a bit," he promises, cupping her face with his hands, and they feel the same as a thousand years ago, "I'll tell you everything later. After all, we have all the time of the world."

She holds his hand. He holds her face. They hold each other and feel their heartbeats.

His kiss is just the same, although the body in her embrace feels slightly different. But that's okay, because it's him. It's her king, her prince. Her Wang So. And she could finally love him; truly love him, with no fear of nothing.

She feels him smiling as they kiss and she smiles as well.

Their eternity has only just begun.

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Outside, the moon is new.

* * *

 **A\N: How was it? (as if I wouldn't reunite them in modern times...)**

 **Now, there's only the epilogue left. Which is written, btw. Just not edited ( :P ) but soon to come here.**

 **...**

 **cyberacksmusic : _it might be a ~little_** ** _late, but there you go, the actual ending. THANKS A LOT i'm really glad you enjoyed it :)_**


	23. the time we always wanted

When he first met her, she was about to fall into a lake.

One could argue that it was partially his fault, but he still holds the opinion that she should have been more careful about her standing. Especially when walking so near a high edge. Had she paid the tiniest bit of attention to her surroundings in the first place, like everyone else did, she wouldn't have lost her balance.

(And yet, a few months later, he was glad that she had been so careless back then. Even though he had to endure a few scoldings here and there for pushing her down the horse.)

From that first encounter he couldn't say just how much he would love her. And he couldn't ever believe that one day she'd love him back. After acknowledging his feelings for the girl and storming out to sit by another lake, he still couldn't possibly know how many memories of them together he would have to treasure one day.

A couple of years later, they were sitting in that same spot, her arms comforting him as he broke down, both of them watching the stars as he silently listened to her foreign stories, occasionally just talking in private to each other as they avoided the scrutinizing gaze of the people in court. A couple of years later, she also first kissed him by that lake. (Of course, when _he_ first - and second - kissed her they were there as well, but she said it didn't count, and he always listens to what she says).

By that same lake he left her behind, saved her life, asked for her hand in marriage and heard a heartbreaking revelation.

On that lake he watched her die, held her as her heart slowly stopped beating, and later spread her ashes - trying to set her free at last.

For decades after she left, he would walk down that path they walked when they were young, trying to keep the image of her face as vivid and clear as when he last saw her, never once forgetting the promise they made for each other. So he can't help making another connection when they are reunited once again.

Because, when he first met her again, she was wistfully gazing at a dark lake, as if she could last forever.

He's still adapting, still trying to make sense of this new world that surrounds him. He still feels that this life is more like a dream, that he's dislocated from a frame that used to enclosure reality. He can't stand on both of his feet just yet, as he still walks with hesitant steps in a world that seems to be above the surface of his old one. But as long as he has her by his side, he wouldn't mind lasting forever.

So he takes one step forward, a firm and decisive one, and towards their eternity.

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.

.

.

When Go Hajin wakes up, she groans in discomfort and tries to fall asleep again.

She rolls around her sheets, shutting her eyes tightly, hoping that the sweet dream she was at will take over her once again, and that she'll gain a few more hours in a peaceful rest. But of course, the bright sunlight coming in from the open curtains of the window makes it impossible.

Soon she gives up from sleeping and rises from the bed, groaning once again when she takes her phone and sees how much early it is to be waking up on a Saturday morning.

She keeps reminding him not to leave the curtains open, but he always forgets.

After tying her hair up in a bun and changing out of her pajamas, she goes downstairs, looking for him. The bright lights blind her once again, and she admires just how much he likes to wake up early in the morning - and apparently waking her up as well, probably to keep him company.

He had worked until late last night and she was already in bed when he arrived and climbed to her side, her mind half asleep as he curled against her side. She remembers muttering something to him, her mind still clouded and her eyes heavy with drowsiness.

But she remembers what she didn't tell him, what she actually wanted to tell him, but couldn't because he took longer than expected to arrive home. What she has to tell him right now, if he were anywhere to be found in the house.

Hajin ends up finding him in the garden, his clothes dirtied and his tools set aside as he lays down in the shade of the trees.

There's some urgency on the matter she wants to talk to him about, but Hajin pauses when she sees her husband like that. She appreciates the view before approaching, finding the sight of him amongst the trees and plants he doted upon one of the most beautiful things she has ever seen.

He loves those trees. Sometimes she would joke and say he loved them more than her, and he would joke back, saying that it was because they were easier to keep and to handle with. But the truth is that she loves them as well, although she still isn't as skillful at keeping them as well as he does.

She loves those trees, and loves the entire garden. She loves watching him finally at peace, and doing something because he wants to, not because he's needed or because he has to survive.

Usually she would stand or at most crouch down whenever she went to talk him and he was either resting or working on the saplings. But today is not any day, so she resigns herself to dirty her clothes as well and lays beside him, leaning her head on his chest.

As soon as she gets closer, his arm is already ready to take her in, and when she finds a comfortable position it wraps around her slowly. He doesn't even have to open his eyes, this kind of interaction always happens naturally between them, but he does kiss her brow softly and leisurely, his hold tightening when her own arms hold him as well.

"Remember that dream I had back in Goryeo?" Her question is almost a whisper, as if she's afraid to disturb the quiet atmosphere between them. It makes him open his eyes and turn his face to look down at her.

He squints, trying to recall the details of their past life together, and then replies with another question, as he tries to confirm what she's talking about.

"Back in Baek Ah's shabby house?"

Hajin laughs and smacks his chest playfully, as she protests in defense of the 13th Prince, "It wasn't that bad."

"Whatever you say."

"But do you remember it?"

"Which one?" He smiles and she knows he's only teasing her, especially after his next comment, "You had weird dreams all the time because of the hormones."

She has to count to three so she doesn't smack him for real this time.

"You said they weren't weird!" She exclaims with an undignified gasp.

"I valued my life."

"I wasn't that crazy!"

"I don't blame you for being crazy."

Hajin holds her tongue back. He's having fun at her outburst, and if it's up to him, they'll keep going back and forth like this until the sun goes down. So she takes a deep breath and falls back to his chest, resuming the topic she had started with before, knowing he would be serious if she demonstrated that she was serious as well.

"But my dream…"

"Yes, your dream," he speaks with a more committed tone, and for a second she actually believes he's being serious, "That one with the old lady weaving flowers by the lake, but when she gave them to you they turned out to be peaches?"

She's about to burst out once again, tell him to stop mocking and teasing her, smack him and go back to the house, but her mind finally registers his words and she pauses.

"Wow, they really were weird."

"Just like your cravings."

"We're not going there." She nudges his chest to stop him. He treads on a minefield with this one, so she decides it is best to avoid a topic that would only end with further discussion, and she wouldn't tell him what she wanted to in the first place, "Anyway, do you remember that dream I had that we were married and owned a house and everything?"

"There was also an orchard, if I'm not mistaken."

Hajin remembers when she couldn't even say what kind of house she had seen in her dream back then, and how she couldn't make herself believe him when he said they could run away to a place like that together, that he would make a home for them.

"It seemed to be something so far away back then, and now it's reality," she sighs and knows that he understands what she means, "It's crazy, you know? It was a dream I had a thousand years ago, and now it's repeating exactly like it happened in my dream. Do you think it was a vision?"

Did I see the future we would have after my time in Goryeo was over, or did I wish so much for that scene to be real that I ended up making it happen?

"Wasn't the little one with us as well in your dream?" He asks, using Seol's affectionate nickname, remembering details someone else probably couldn't ever recall.

He probably wants to point out the inconsistencies in her theory, and his tone of voice is back to tease her. But when he says that her face lightens up - a grin spreading on her face until her cheeks start to hurt.

 _After all, how else could this happiness be even more complete?_

"And she is," she replies, looking at her hands, now caressing her belly protectively, "Well, sort of."

It takes a few seconds for her words to sink in.

And when they do, it's like he's hit by a lightning. She watches as the confusion merges into shock, which then becomes awe and wonder with a tinge of joy and excitement. His eyes shine as bright as they once did a thousand years ago, but since this time there are no heavy burdens on his shoulders, nor there are invisible bars and cages around them, so he jumps up, bringing her along, swirling her around their backyard as he laughs out loud, brilliantly and vividly, and she laughs along.

"Thank you," he whispers, breathing out in what sounds like relief, like delight, like fulfillment, and like happiness, all at the same time. And she knows he's thanking her for everything, for their life in Goryeo and their second chance in Seoul. All of her choices and sacrifices, all that she lived and endured by his side.

So, when she kisses him, she thanks him as well. She has no regrets choosing him and sacrificing for him. And she's also grateful for all he ever did for her, even when all he could do was just stand by her side.

"It might not be her, though."

"I'm still happy." He shakes her head, laughing as he dismisses her warning tone, "If it's Seol or not, I'm happy." He doesn't need to say what she already knows. If it's Seol, growing inside her belly once again, then he'll be the happiest he has ever been.

And she also doesn't need to say what they both already feel and believe, although it is too soon and they have no way to prove. That it is Seol, it is their daughter, their little one. It's her, and the three of them will be finally reunited, finally have a life together. Just like they wished for once.

"Kim Hyeonjin," she whispers, her tears finally coming down slowly as her smile shines brighter than the sunlight, "Thank you for coming to find me."

"Thank for coming to me first, Go Hajin," he follows her example and uses her full modern name as well, making her heart flutter away.

Anytime. She'd go to him anytime.

She'd always go to him.

* * *

 **A\N: And it's done.**

 **This was my first time writing a multichaptered fanfic, and I have no words to express myself how thankful I am for everyone's support - even if it's just reading (honestly, I check the traffic stats every single day). Thanks a lot for your patience, as I know I take too long to write, edit and publish. And thanks for not wanting to kill me at certain points of this story - I sometimes ignore that line called limits.**

 **Ugh, it's my first time finishing a story, so I don't know what else to say...**

 **Wang So's modern name was the main cause for the epilogue to come so late. Blame him. Also, that name might change later.**

 **I did have a more beautiful and grand thing planned, but I had this scenario kept away for so long, and it fits so well with the rest, that I just went ahead and used it. It might be confusing, but hey, this is the future all of us wanted for SoSoo, so yes, they have a comfortable and peaceful life, their baby is Seol and they'll have plenty of other children in the future.**

 **Also, happy families. No more drama.**

 **And that's it.**

 **God, I can't believe it's 2019 and I'm not over Moon Lovers yet...**

* * *

 **Rito Dey** **: Hey, I have other wips after this ^^ Stop giving me ideas! (i made a note, and i'm going to sit down and work on it when i have time) Thanks a lot for keeping up with the story, it means a lot!**

 **Wolf lady 1974 : Sorry for the delay, but here it is. Thank you for reading! :D**


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